April 28th, 2006 - Newsletter Part 2
March 29-31 and April 11-13
Date: Wednesday, March 29, 2006
Guests: Ray Romano, Sue Johanson, Jose Gonzalez
Conan started the show with his jump and spin then pointed to random audience members and did his politician fist wave. Conan told Max they had a fantastic show tonight, and Max agreed then did a rimshot. He did another rimshot after Conan asked how he was doing and said he was doing well. That was odd.
On to the monologue.
-- During his trip to Mexico, President Bush promised that FEMA would help the Mayans rebuild.
-- Kate Moss warned Lindsay Lohan about the dangers of drugs by saying, “Stay away from my drugs.”
-- Three of Britney Spears’ former bodyguards are suing her because she owes them money for overtime; Kevin Federline’s bodyguards are suing because they’re bored.
-- Barry Manilow has agreed to keep performing until 2008 at the Las Vegas Hilton. Intriguingly the deal was arranged by Caesar’s Palace. That joke was followed by “a quiet you only hear in deep space.” Conan informed us that his way of knowing a joke didn’t work is when he can hear the air conditioning fan above him and his heartbeat.
-- The billionaire founder of Ikea says he built his fortune by being frugal. For example, his coffee table is a Bjorn when he could have easily afforded the Gunter. I thought at that point I was going to be writing about the failed monologue on Wednesday night. Conan admitted he had a great monologue going but took 2 hard punches to the stomach, but, “Like a cat, I’m going to spring right back.”
-- In Illinois a coach at a Catholic high school was in trouble because he appeared in a gay porn movie; so is the parent who spotted him in the gay porn movie. The audience seemed to like that joke or just gave Conan a lot of pity applause. Conan jumped around, pounced, hissed, and exclaimed, “The cat is back!”
-- There was a tense moment on “The View” when Star Jones called Joy Behar a bitch. Behar responded by calling Star the worst name should could think of - Star Jones. Conan leaped and pounced once again. Conan asked Max if he was scared for him when the monologue was going badly, and Max said he was scared “for a moment”. Conan said, “the cat is back … what am I even talking about?” And so ended the monologue.
At the desk, Conan mentioned everyone at Late Night was excited about the week of shows they’re doing in Chicago from May 9-12 at the Chicago Theatre. He told viewers to go to nbc.com/conan for tickets. Logging on for tickets is so easy, even Max’s mom can do it. Max’s mom was onstage and Conan was going to tell her how to go to the NBC website for Chicago tickets. She was having trouble understanding how to get from Google to the NBC website on the internet and couldn’t find the “dot button” on the keyboard, so she finally admitted, “I don’t know what I’m doing.” Conan said it was ridiculously easy, but since she was having such a tough time, he was just going to give her tickets. In spite of that, Max’s mom was so frustrated she said, “Hmph. I hate this show” and stood up to leave. However when she tried to open the door to get out of the room, the door would not open. So she walked to the right where we could see her walking around the set to get out. She couldn’t get out that way either so she had to exit on the right side of the curtain. Meanwhile, Conan was holding his stomach, leaning back in his chair, and laughing hysterically. After he was done laughing, Conan told Max that was some house he bought for his mom - “One wall and a freakin’ door that won’t open.” He also said, “I have rarely been happier.” It was one of those things you just can’t make up, and one of the funniest show moments in recent past.
Moving on, Conan asked if any Lord of the Rings fans were present, and that got a big cheer. So in his nerd voice Conan said, “I’ll smite thee with my bag of magic powder, troll!” A new Lord of the Rings musical opened recently in Toronto but it got terrible reviews. To see if the show was good or bad, Conan invited some of the cast last night to showcase some of the musical numbers. Conan showed a clip and admitted it was pretty bad. So since then, the producers of the musical completely overhauled it; they fired some of the cast, changed the songs, and hired the guy who created “Movin’ Out” - a musical built around the songs of Billy Joel. Tonight we saw the reworked, revised Lord of the Rings musical. The cast performed dance numbers and sang lyrics to the tunes of Billy Joel songs such as “We Didn’t Start the Fire”, “I’m Moving Out”, and “Pressure”. The best part was when Gollum ran out wearing a bowtie and loincloth. Conan stopped them and said they were probably fine performers but that this was just awful. Gollum said that was because Conan hadn’t seen the big finale yet. The cast then sang and danced to “Uptown Girl” and Gollum ripped off the loincloth. Brian Stack as Gandalf and Little Jay Leno dressed as a hobbit made the sketch all the more visually hilarious.
Ray Romano came out in Act II. First he discussed life after “Everybody Loves Raymond”. He said he was in therapy by 4 months after the show had ended. His wife is no longer thrilled he’s home all day either. He walks around all day and throws bologna at the dog. By the way, it’s a good way to tell if your dog is on his way out if he can no longer catch a piece of bologna. Conan said even neurologists should use that system. Ray tries not to watch reruns of “Everybody Loves Raymond”. His wife gets upset if she sees he’s talking to his wife on the show for longer than he’s talked to her in the past week, but he explains to her there were writers on that show. The night of the finale, Ray’s wife said it felt like the other woman was leaving because of how much time Ray spent at the show, so Ray asked if he’s had two women all this time, why doesn’t he ever have sex?
Ray said he doesn’t go to bachelor parties anymore because of the interrogation afterward. The last time he was at a bachelor party, all the married men had to meet at the end of the night to discuss what they’d say they did. They decided to say they were in a fight with some guys who ripped their underwear and threw glitter at them. Conan said he was familiar with that gang. Conan found that as he got to a certain age, bachelor parties went away. He was gently saying they were old / in midlife. Ray says he thinks of midlife like half time: they should go back into the locker room and assess the first half. Then the coach comes in and says, “What the @*$^ was that? You call that puberty? Who masturbates to Jeopardy? Don’t get caught up with ‘oh - I’m going bald or it hurts when I crap’ ‘cause we’re going to lose this game!”
After the commercial break, Conan asked how Ray is enjoying fatherhood since Ray has 4 kids. Ray told a story about explaining to his kids that when you play golf you’re really only playing against yourself. So one day when on a family vacation, he had just gotten back from playing golf and was walking by the swimming pool, and one of his sons yelled to him, “Hey dad, were you just playing with yourself?” which was a little embarrassing. Conan then asked about when the kids are at a really young age, since he said that’s where he needs the advice. Ray said that 2 ½ year olds in diapers are fun because they go standing up and they’re always running around, but you can tell they’re “going”. Ray acted it out: you sense a slowdown in the action, they get that look on their face, the back of the pants goes out just a little, then they hide behind furniture.
Next they discussed “Ice Age: The Meltdown”. When Ray reads movie scripts he gets excited if there’s a love scene because that’s not cheating; that’s finding a loophole. When reading Ice Age 2 he got excited because his mammoth has a romance scene, so he said he’d do the movie. They also discussed “95 Miles to Go” which was a documentary about Ray that was shot on the road during a month off break from “Raymond” during Ray’s standup tour. The movie only opens in 2 theaters - 1 in NY and 1 in LA, and they showed a clip of Ray eating a Subway sandwich. Conan said he enjoyed a scene where Ray was carrying 9 bags on his own; Ray said he was keeping it real. “Ice Age: The Meltdown” opened March 31 and beginning April 7 the documentary “95 Miles to Go” opens in select cities.
Sue Johanson from “Talk Sex with Sue Johanson” stopped by in Act IV. A lot of people - like Conan - don’t talk about sex often so Conan said this was their chance to learn. First Sue dispelled some common myths - such as that men need humongous penises with erections so hard you could strike matches on them. Another fact is 87% of females reach orgasm by clitoral stimulation, so Sue showed Conan & Ray by pointing in the air - “the clitoris is up here and the vagina is here.” Conan said “I’ll take your word for it… I have no idea.” Sue said men think women want a man with a big penis, but it’s just that women see an erection and they think “boy, am I good. I really know how to turn him on” and then made a panting noise. Conan didn’t like the noise she made at the end so Sue said, “Been a while since you’ve heard it?” OHHHHH! Conan! Sue also said orgasms are overrated. Sue said women are not going to have a cataclysmic, earth-shattering, 10 on the Richter scale orgasm every time they have sex. Conan disagreed and said he could make it happen - because “I’ve got the goods.” Sue is a big proponent of sex toys, and Conan said there are a lot of people who don’t want to go buy a sex toy - they’re known, they’re on TV every night - and he asked for her suggestions for those people. Sue said last time she was on the show, she brought the “chin dong” and left it specifically for Conan. Ray said she was mistaken and that was Jay Leno. Conan busted out laughing! Sue said that if you look around the house, you can always find things you can use as a sex toy, such as an electric toothbrush. Conan was appalled by that idea. Ray told a story about his single days when he was at a hotel with his girlfriend who was in desperate need of a vibrator, so he went to the gift shop and bought a toy monkey with the clanging cymbals. Sue said that was a good idea because it left him with 2 free hands. Sue also told Conan that you can duct tape bubble wrap to your hand and use it for masturbation. Conan thought the popping sounds would ruin the mood. They were all out of time by that point, but Sue brought out a goodie from the hot stuff bag nonetheless. She showed Conan the Royal Butler - which you can even stick on the wall of the shower. Conan said “please tell me for hanging a towel.” Conan & Ray refused to touch it. Finally Sue brought out the Happy Rabbit but Conan didn’t even want to know what that did. Though he did seem quite interested in it as they cut to commercial. Haha. “Talk Sex with Sue Johanson” airs Sunday nights on the Oxygen Network.
After the commercial break, Conan said they were finally going to clean up the show. Jose Gonzalez closed the show with the performance of a song from his album “Veneer”.
-- conansgoddess / Amanda
Date: Thursday, March 30, 2006
Guests: Josh Hartnett, Paget Brewster,Editors
Thursday's episode had guests Josh Hartnett from the new movie "Lucky Number Slevin," Paget Brewster from the TV show "Huff," and musical guest Editors.
The monologue started with Conan telling the audience that their cheering was "borderline inappropriate." The jokes included were two about President George Bush, Barry Bonds' steroid use, Las Vegas' plans to make bigger ambulances for obese people (which is already funny enough), Tennessee's state prison system ban of large jars of peanut butter, and Katie Holmes' baby shower.
After the walkover, Conan told Max he looked good tonight and asked him what he was wearing, to which Max replied, "A brown suit...with four buttons." Conan did a few car analogies about how good the show was tonight and then mentioned how “Late Night” was doing a week of shows in May at The Chicago Theatre. He told the viewers how to get tickets by going to www.nbc.com/conan and introduced the Late Night Sausage Choir, who sang a song about Chicago. "Conan's coming out for a week to sing and to dance. Max Weinberg's probably gonna put me in his pants."
Conan asked the audience if there were any “Lord of the Rings” fans in the audience and talked about the new musical that has been getting terrible reviews. He showed a clip of Tuesday and Wednesday night's shows of the actors from Toronto performing a selection of the musical. He then said he got another phone call from the producers saying they redid the musical again by incorporating the Blue Collar Comedy Tour in it. The musical consisted of characters from the Lord of the Rings acting like rednecks, telling unfunny jokes. Gollum came out as usual and took off his loincloth, making him naked for the big finale to convince Conan that it was a good show. Conan then joined them and danced to "Sweet Home Alabama."
Before Josh Hartnett came out, Conan told the audience that tonight was the night of the Complete Vigodal Eclipse that takes place right in the studio. This is where actor Abe Vigoda crosses in front one of the studio cameras and obscures the view of the show. The last time it happened was on the Jack Paar show, so it is a pretty big deal. The eclipse began with Abe's ears in view. People from all over the world were watching, including China and Egypt. Abe's eye and cheek started to come in view and the band got themselves ready for eye protection. Max began looking through exposed film, Jimmy put on a welder's hat, and instead of looking at the eclipse, LaBamba stared longingly at a picture of Harry Hamlin. Then, within a few seconds, Abe Vigoda's head was in complete view of the camera and lights lit up. It was a glorious sight to witness for everyone.
Josh Hartnett came out after the break and sported his new long hairdo. Conan told him how he didn't want to look the way he does and that he really wanted to have a buzz cut and a long, handlebar mustache. They also talked about "Hartnett" being an Irish name and Conan told him how everyone in Ireland has the last name "O'Brien."
They then talked about his new movie "Lucky Number Slevin" and showed a clip of Josh in a towel. Conan: "I know if I were wearing a towel around here, it would be five minutes before LaBamba ripped it off." Josh: "Good thing LaBamba wasn't on the set." Conan: "Trust me, he tried to get there. Security did everything."
Paget Brewster came out, hugged Conan, sat down, and then slapped his knee repeatedly, asking him if she should pose for Playboy. She talked about how she got the offer and that she wasn't sure if she should or not. Conan said he'd have to see her naked first to answer that question. She told him that that was fair since she saw him naked. It was during the time when Conan guest starred on "Andy Richter Controls the Universe" and he was doing the "nude" scene. They had an object right where his Cone Bone was and they needed a bigger object to cover his
"Conanie." :P Other names she used to refer to his penis were "Salad Shooter" and "Barbarian." They also talked about Paget's past jobs, including when she worked in a whorehouse answering phones. She was told to hang up the phone if someone called asking for things like the "Hendrickson Flapper." Conan joked how it sounded like a dirty 1920's move. "I'm going to make you do the Hendrickson Flapper now, see!" After that, they discussed her show Huff.
The musical guest was Editors and they performed one of their songs.
-- conanincharge / Maria
Date: Friday, March 31, 2006
Guests: Antonio Banderas, Seth Meyers, The Little Willies
Friday's show featured: a short and sweet Conalogue, lots of sketches and segments, including Abe Lincoln's Chicago ticket fiasco, "If They Mated," actor Antonio Banderas teaches Conan to tango after giving him a new nickname, our introduction to Eye-Fi, laughs with actor Seth Meyers, and musical guests The Little Willies.
Beginning with an extra-long intro from the Max Weinberg 7, Conan began his monologue by mentioning Bush's trip to Mexico. Next, we heard of lawsuits over breast implants, Daylight Savings Time's approach much to a lazy Kevin Federline's dismay, scandal for a former New York Mets baseball player, a faster airplane inspired by the likes of Geraldo Rivera, and the David Hasselhoff divorce. In between, we saw O'Brien spin around like a preschooler, a subtle Pimpbot 5000 "Feelin' fine and cherry wine!" quote (Pimpbot's one of my favorites, did they think I wouldn't notice? Jeez. I miss you, dear Pimpbot.), and in reference to Antonio Banderas, I just had to quote this for you guys:
"Women want to be with him, men want to be him, LaBamba wants his number. You know what I mean? Zzzzing!"
In Act I, Conan mentions the weather, followed by the oh-so charismatic exchange between he and Max: "If we could bottle that chemistry... if we could bottle it, we'd throw it away."
Then onto plugging the Chicago trip and ticket information. Everything seems like business as usual, but then I realize this is going somewhere. Somewhere Abraham Lincoln-y. In comes a sketch where John Wilkes Booth begins to assassinate Lincoln, gets asked randomly if he would like tickets to “Late Night” in Chicago, and alas, gets shot by Lincoln. His coveted tickets in hand, Abraham Lincoln shouts the infamous "Sic simper tyrannus!" previously known to come only from Booth, and then we watch as Abe makes his escape. Onto the stunt mat lying on the floor below. For complaints, Conan recommends you send all comments to conanhaveyoueverreadafrigginbook[at]nbcuni[dot]com. XD Nice, right?
Finishing up a lengthy Act I, "If They Mated:"
Teri Hatcher + Ryan Seacrest
Denise Richards + John Stamos
Kate Moss + Jack Osbourne
Pamela Anderson + Kanye West ("It's Dennis Rodman!")
Jessica Simpson + Jude Law ("This kid likes corn on the cob." *gnawgnawgnaw*)
Winona Ryder + Liev Shriver
Ice Age 2's Female Wooly Mammoth + Male Wooly Mammoth = Kirstie Alley (a-HA.)
Jessica Simpson + President George W. Bush = Larry the Cable Guy
In Act II, actor Antonio Banderas stops by to promote his new film, “Take the Lead”. In the mix, Antonio inadvertently gives Conan a new nickname: Orgasmo. It kind of happened in a step-by-step process, so here goes:
1.) Antonio mentions the word "orgasmic" in reference to his relationship with wife Melanie Griffith.
2.) Conan utters the word somewhere between 5 and 246 times, then asks what "orgasmic" would translate to in Spanish.
3.) This brings us to "orgasmo."
4.) Conan: "I wish my name were Orgasmo!"
5.) Various name placements ensue: Orgasmo, Orgasmo O'Brien, Conan Orgasmo.
6.) End result: Conan Orgasmo.
Oh yes. Banderas mentions being the voice of Puss in Boots for “Shrek 2”, but more importantly, during the premiere of the film, he sat next to Justin Timberlake. And they held hands during an alleged emotional scene. Wow. Are you readers getting this? Watch out, Griffith. As if the Banderas interview couldn't get any more entertaining, he decides he wants to teach "Orgasmo" a few tango steps. As the interview wraps up, Banderas mentions he and Conan doing Brokeback Mountain 2. Moving on.
In Act III, we're introduced to Eye-Fi, which enables you to watch pornography from a device implanted into your brain. Other than the "eye" gadget looking insanely gross, not really a highlight.
In Act IV, Conan interviewed Seth Meyers (and his cool stripey shoes) about his many Brian Williams impressions on Saturday Night Live, getting threats from Williams thereafter for doing so, wearing a chicken costume, the inspiration behind the Needlers SNL sketches, and his new movie coming out, American Dreamz. He also mentioned being in awe when me first met costar Hugh Grant, complete with British accents XD.
Finally, In Act V, musical guest The Little Willies performed a selection from their self-titled CD, which came out earlier this month.
-- redhotpolkad0ts / Wendy
Date: Tuesday, April 11, 2006
Guests: Hank Azaria, Mimi Rogers, P!nk
Tonight, Conan welcomed Hank Azaria, Mimi Rogers, and P!nk.
Topics in Conan’s monologue included Arnold Schwarzenegger’s editorial in the Wall Street Journal about immigration, President Bush’s house being turned into a museum, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s visit to Africa, a prison official showing “Brokeback Mountain” to a group of inmates, and Vice President Dick Cheney throwing out the first pitch at the Washington National’s home opener.
In Act I, Conan did Celebrity Survey. The questions asked were:
When I get tired of public attention, I…
- Tom Brokaw: go home and read a book
- Harrison Ford: go for a walk in the woods
- Sharon Stone: make “Basic Instinct 2”
America’s immigrants need…
- Senator John Kerry: a fair shake in the land of opportunity
- Senator Bill Frist: to become legal and legitimate
- President Bush: to go back to Immigra
When I really want to pig out, I…
- Drew Barrymore: down a pint of Ben and Jerry’s Chunky Monkey
- Mandy Moore: eat a sleeve of Keebler’s Fudge Stripe Cookies
- Nicole Ritchie: sniff beans
You know baseball is officially underway when…
- Derek Jeter: you hear the first crack of the bat
- David Ortiz: the smell of hot dogs fills the air
- Barry Bonds: the blood carries synthetic anabolic compounds to your tissue, creating new cytoplasmic proteins which increase muscle mass
I don’t go to the beach anymore because…
- Sarah Jessica Parker: the sun cam damage your skin
- Gwyneth Paltrow: I just don’t have the time
- Kirstie Alley: Greenpeace kept pushing me back into the ocean
I’m constantly asking the question “What do I need to do…”
- Simon Cowell: …to be the best that I can be?”
- Kelly Clarkson: …to remain true to my fans?”
- Justin Guarini: …to get you behind the wheel of this fully-loaded Kia Sportage?”
When it’s really sunny out, I often…
- John McEnroe: play tennis
- Zach Braff: go to the beach
- Conan O’Brien: burst into flames
I think the glass is always…
- Diane Sawyer: half full
- Felicity Huffman: half empty
- Geraldo Rivera: half full…or a den of strippers? Find out tonight on “Geraldo at Large”
It really hit me that I was going to be a parent when…
- Jennifer Garner: I first got morning sickness
- Reese Witherspoon: I looked at the Sonogram
- Tom Cruise: Emperor Nordix of Sector 5 granted us the birthing rods
Out of my entire body of work, I’ll most likely be remembered for…
- Stephen Spielberg: Schlinder’s List
- Ed Harris: my portrayal of Jackson Pollock
- Tara Reid: that time my boob popped out
Sometimes I check into hotels under the name…
- Halle Berry: Carla Reeves
- Josh Hartnett: Jed Hartford
- OJ Simpson: Slasho McMurderson
You know the honeymoon’s over when…
- Elizabeth Taylor: he spends the weekends with his friends
- Barbara Streisand: he leaves the house without telling you where he’s going
- Michael Jackson: his voice changes
Act II began with Conan interviewing Hank Azaria, who he worked with when he wrote for “The Simpsons” in 1992 and 1993. The interview began with Hank Azaria doing two of his most popular Simpsons voices, Apu and Moe the bartender. Mr. Azaria then shared stories of his experiences with a man he met in New York who asked him why he spoke like “his people” (referring to Apu), and meeting Jack Nicholson and Burt Reynolds. The interview closed with Conan and Hank reminiscing about the days Conan worked on “The Simpsons”, and how he would say odd, random phrases, such as “jub jub.”
Act III was an advertisement for a new sponsor, TruShoe, that explained their product. Since science has proven that the “bigger the man’s shoe, the larger his penis” isn’t always true, TruShoe allows one to send in pictures of “what God gave you.” 6 weeks later, one will receive the shoe that is appropriate size to the pictures sent in.
In Act IV, Conan interviewed Mimi Rogers, from the show “The Loop”. The two shared that Mimi was one of the earliest guests on the show, because when Conan was testing for “Late Night”, he interviewed her along with Jason Alexander. Also, Conan revealed that he would pose for a nude magazine if he could get his head put on Fabio’s body. The interview was closed by Conan and Mimi talking about how she could intimidate men by wearing four inch heels, a slinky black dress, and stepping out of a white limo.
In Act V, P!nk performed the song “Stupid Girls” from her latest album, “I’m Not Dead.”
-- CrazyforConan / Laura
Date: Wednesday, April 12, 2006
Guests: David Schwimmer, Patton Oswalt, Melissa Cross
Tonight's episode included actor David Schwimmer, comedian Patton Oswalt, and scream expert Melissa Cross.
The show began by Conan stumbling out from behind the curtain and diving into the monologue. As usual, Conan's monologue filled us in on the big news stories of the day, including that plans are being made to turn the President’s childhood home into a museum. He hopes that they remove the scary things from under the bed. Also, Arnold wrote a ground breaking article on immigration reform. He was the first man to use the word “Klaasfklsdidfn” (Arnold impression) in a newspaper article. Iran announced that they were able to enrich uranium, and that they didn't need help from the girls at all (I'm impressed). A Star Wars fan is sued a classmate over pictures of him holding a light saber and fighting. The nerd intends to buy a life with the money he receives. Don't think that joke didn't bring on an impression, because it certainly did. Conan also informed us of Tom Cruise's claim that he can get someone off of heroin in 3 days. According to Conan, Cruise can suck the fun out of anything. This joke caused 3 entire people to do the wave. Hey, it's not much, but 3 people are better than 2.
After the monologue, Conan ventured to his desk to talk about Katie Couric leaving the Today show. He then went on to show us the domino effect of her leaving. Bob Sheifer leaves CBS nightly news and Katie takes his place. This causes Meredith Viera to leave "The View" and join "The Today show". Tony Danza then has to leave "The Tony Danza Show" to fill in for Meredith. Bob Barker now takes over for Tony Danza, and Regis takes over "The Price is Right" for Bob. Kelly Ripa now becomes Regis and Judge Mathis becomes Kelly. Judge Brown fills in for Judge Mathis and Papa Smurf takes over for Judge Brown. Brainy Smurf takes over for Papa Smurf and Dog the Bounty hunter takes Brainy's place. Magruff the Crime Dog fills in for Dog and Alf fills in for Magruff. Now, Conan takes over for Alf and Bob Sheifer takes Conan's place resulting in "Late Night with Bob Sheiffer". Confused yet?
After this amusing look into the future Conan moves on to the Satellite TV Channels sketch. Highlights included
the "Barry Bonds Never Live it Down Channel" (Bonds is constantly being reminded of his steroid use with strategically-placed syringes (pen, car, menu)
"The Jar Barf Channel" (jars with mouths and google eyes were squeezed to make them look like they were barfing. It was all done to a catchy jingle)
"The Outsourced Bar Mitzvah Temple Help Desk Channel" (A boy calls the helpline for assistance with a song. It was funnier if you saw it.)
And finally, a channel that allowed Conan to show off his college education, "Croak and Poot TV" (It featured a frog doing exactly what it sounds like).
After the break, Conan welcomed the first guest, David Schwimmer. The interview began with Conan talking to David about his haircut. This made Schwimmer uncomfortable and the conversation transitioned to the subject of "Friends". They discussed awkward moments of watching their T.V. shows on planes. The interview moved onto the subject of Schwimmer’s new project "King Mutiny Court Marshal" and how he broke down the script. After a relatively chemistry-free interview, Schwimmer presented Conan with a present. The present was a pair of steel balls to help keep him from "losing it" during an interview. Conan thanked Schwimmer for his faith in him, and the interview ended.
The middle sketch included Jon Glaser playing a new concierge to the studio. He interrupted Conan at his desk claiming he had a message for him. Conan took the message that read: "Dear Conan, you're great, really great. P.S. you're the best." Conan then thanked the messenger for the letter but told him to not interrupt the show. Glaser reacted by calling Conan up to tell him how great he is. Glaser then sang a song about Conan, but was stopped when he reached the line "running together naked in the woods". Conan then threw him out and he was next seen serenading Schwimmer in his dressing room.
The next guest was Patton Oswalt. He began the interview by telling his pet peeves. Oswalt's main pet peeve is the grammar in porn spam emails. He always wonders why a "Mexican duke wants to slober on his pens". Another annoyance is when TV shows want him to make filthy jokes G-Rated. His example of a perfectly fine thing to say on TV was "I'm gonna fill your hoo-ha with goof juice". We were then urged to use the expression at home, because we would learn the wonders of mace. Conan decided to move onto more pleasant things after that discussion. They talked about food. Oswalt told us of his annoyance with fancy descriptions on menus. Oswalt then told an example of the descriptions that annoyed him and Conan replied with "I'll try the pudding". They then decided that "I'll try the pudding" would be Conan's new catchphrase, and it was used in many different contexts for the next few minutes.
Finally, Conan brought out Melissa Cross. She is a scream expert who taught various heavy metal frontmen (Andrew W.K.) how to scream. Conan began by showing off his voice. Apparently he has a very nice pitched falsetto. Melissa began to tell Conan about the different kinds of screams and demonstrated one that resembled a dog barking. This example led to a bark off between Conan and Melissa. After that little distraction she revealed the secret to screaming is to not do it loudly. She then went on to demonstrate some more. This time, they sounded like pterodactyls. Demons were watching this in disgust. The show soon began to resemble something that would be on Nickelodeon. Disappointingly, the show ran out of time, but Conan claims that she'll be coming back soon. You can check her out on www.melissacross.com.
-- _cant_explain_ / Caitlin
Date: Thursday, April 13, 2006
Guests: Jarod Miller, Regina Hall, Teddy Thompson
Tonight, Conan came howling into the monologue (seriously, he was howling). The monologue began with an Easter, Passover, and Bush joke all rolled into one: Bush gave out a Passover card about the Jews being freed by the Easter Bunny. Conan had no transition after this joke and decided that it was now LaBamba's job to facilitate when it's time for the next joke. He did so by yelling "NEXT JOKE". The next joke was about Iraqi's changing their names so they can't be persecuted. A popular new name is "Muhammad O'Reilly". "NEXT JOKE" Now we have another gay pentagon joke (No new terrorist cells, but they did learn round-toed pumps are coming back!). "NEXT JOKE" Here we have a TomKat joke. I guess Tom made Katie stop her piloting lessons to have the baby which limits her to escaping by land or sea. That joke got a great response so no "Next Joke" was needed, but since LaBamba had been doing such a great job Conan announced that he would be paid tonight in cash (not croutons). Finally, Conan told us of the feud between Alec Baldwin and Paris Hilton. Alec said that Paris put the "d" in dumb, and Paris responded by telling Alec that he put the "g" in jerk. Conan now instructed LaBamba to yell "Monologue Complete"
Over at the desk, Conan decided that it was time to play patterns. Here are some of the highlights:
A loofa, a female contraceptive, and Kevin Federline are more and more likely to be mistaken for a sponge. Martha Stewart, an old arthritic Pueblo women, and the NY Nets are less and less likely to make a basket. Oatmeal, creamed corn, and Tom Delay are more and more likely to be spooned in prison. A state college, an online university and Pavarotti are more and more likely to have 150 courses. Mike Mulligan and His Steam Shovel (pg. 31), Mike Mulligan and His Steam Shovel (pg. 17), Mike Mulligan and His Steam Shovel (pg. 4) are more and more likely to be where President Bush falls asleep tonight. Steven Todd Daugherty, Samuel Timothy Dawson and Paris Hilton are more and more likely to have STD on their towels. A bungee jumper, a rock climber, and naked Larry King are more and more likely to repel. Hair spray, tanning oil, and Clay Aiken are more and more likely to be found on a male model.
After the commercial break Conan welcomed animal expert, Jarod Miller. Jarod first brought out a sloth which he put on Conan. It latched on to him, and Jarod claimed that the reason for this was that it needed to "defecate" (classy, Jarod, real classy). After, the sloth went on to attempt to slit Conan's throat. Before things got too messy, another animal was brought out. The new animal was a honey bear and it was rather fond of Conan. It jumped on Conan and headed south. Conan was warned to watch out because it has an 8" tongue. Jarod wanted to demonstrate this tongue with a bottle full of honey, but like always the demonstration failed and a mess was made. The next animal was a kookaburra. Conan immediately jumped into the Kookaburra Song, only to be told by Jarod that was really old. Jared wanted to get the bird to sings so he brought out a mirror and instructed Conan to squawk like a bird (which he did unsuccessfully for 5 minutes). A porcupine was now brought out. Conan was told to pet it from the front to the back because the porcupine "doesn't like it from behind". Finally, Jarod brought out a Siberian Lynx. The cat immediately starts to growl at Conan so Jarod instructs him to headbutt it. Once again, this was unsuccessful, proving that Jarod Miller really doesn't know what he's doing.
After the break Conan announced next weeks guests and was interrupted by "tax carolers". These wonderful people turned Christmas carols into songs about taxes.
The next guest was Regina Hall. The interview was based mainly on her dating life. She revealed the only men that hit on her are missing teeth or homeless (promising future, huh?) She also told Conan her method of getting out of a bad blind date.
The musical guest was Teddy Thompson who preformed a song off of the album Separate Ways.
-- _cant_explain_ / Caitlin
Date: Friday, April 14, 2006
Guests: Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Jason Sudeikis, Daniel Powter
Conan began the show with some boat-rowing and a swanky walk back and forth in front of the camera. Some of the monologue jokes were:
Former President Clinton was giving a speech earlier this week in Washington, D.C. and someone in the crowd yelled out, "We miss you!" Conan informed us that Clinton was giving the speech in the champagne room at Crazy Girls. Then Conan did an impression of a girl who works at Crazy Girls telling Bill we miss him... too funny!
One of the tabloids says Angelina Jolie recently gave Brad Pitt a mohawk -- not the haircut. She adopted a Mohawk Indian.
Katie Holmes was recently spotted shopping for shoes that are fashionable enough for evening wear but comfortable enough for an escape attempt.
According to a new study, boys who play with action figures with large muscles suffer from decreased self-esteem. Boys who are taking notice of their action figures' large muscles are also suffering from increased gayness. Conan then pointed out it may have been a mistake that when he said "large muscles" he pointed to his own arm "which looks like a pipe cleaner".
At the desk, Conan talked about a TV commercial he saw that morning for Bruce Springsteen’s new album "We Shall Overcome the Seeger Sessions". Conan showed us the commercial which features Bruce and his 13 member band, a band which happens to include LaBamba and Pender from the Max Weinberg 7. The commercial had footage of LaBamba laughing his ass off next to Springsteen, yet Conan said LaBamba doesn't even crack a smile during any of his monologues. Conan told LaBamba that Bruce must be "a real chuckle factory". Conan said he wanted to take that footage of LaBamba laughing and have it digitally placed over LaBamba's face every night during Conan’s monologue from now on.
Next Conan mentioned that this past week, the headlines were dominated by the fight over immigration reform. Conan thought he should talk to President Bush about the issue; thus began Clutch Cargo. President Bush appeared on a TV monitor and greeted Conan as "Cone on the cob". Bush said he can identify with the struggling immigrants who are far from home, in a strange place where no one thinks you belong, where people speak and read a language you don't understand. Conan asked when Bush was in such a situation, and Bush replied, "I've got two words for you: Yale." Bush admires that the immigrants come to the US at great personal risk to do all the jobs that we can't send to India. Bush advocates sealing our borders and building a wall around the entire country, beginning with the eastern seaboard, despite the Atlantic Ocean already being there. He ended by calling Conan "Chilly Cone Coney" and discussing freedom seekers / freedom seeking freedom haters and ended up reciting a line from "Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers."
Next Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger shared his stance on the immigration issue.
He thinks immigrants should be kept out of the US because "they can't speak the Englishes" and their diction can only be described as "flagengropenschleitzen". He further backed up his argument with more nonsense words in his barely understandable German accent. Arnold admires the immigrants who go to great measures just so that their children may one day see his all time holiday smash hit classic "Jingle All the Way"! That is the American Dream, after all. To keep America safe, Arnold believes we must build a fence around the future. That's where the real enemies (an advanced race of unstoppable mechanized immigrants such as Chinabots and Mexiborgs) are. Arnold wants to be sent to the future to disguise himself as the Mexiborg Raoul 5000 so he can blow all the Mexiborgs and Chinabots away in slow motion, then take the cigar out of his mouth, turn to the camera, and say, "Now that's a blast from the past!"
In Act II Julia Louis-Dreyfus joined Conan. Julia got scared rather quickly after Conan began the interview by making random "oh yeah" noises and purred at Julia. She tried running away but quickly returned. Since Conan has 2 children of his own, he asked about Julia's 2 children and if she can make time for the kids/show while still pampering herself. She does sometimes pamper herself and discussed her spa adventures. Se was recently in the middle of a bikini wax at a spa when the woman who was doing the wax randomly said to her, "This is a lovely area... it's absolutely lovely." Julia said no one had ever said that to her before and she was rather surprised someone would be talking about her "area" in that way. Then the woman said, "Yes, the trees... the houses… are beautiful!" Turns out the woman was talking about Beverly Hills. Conan said having an experience like that is why he avoids spas at all costs. Julia thinks a man going to a spa is a complete turn-off anyway. Conan said his wife occasionally suggests he should get a pedicure, because he likes to grow his toenails out until they curl up. But he doesn’t like the idea of reading an Allure magazine while getting a spa pedicure. Julia said she'd pay big money to see Conan get a facial mud mask so they agreed to go to a spa together, even though Conan has an oddly-shaped face for such a mask.
Back to the kids - Julia's kids are 8 and 13 years old. Conan said right now his kids are so cute and say "hi daddy" but he is scared of when they get to be 13 and say/think "you're an ass." Julia's scared by the fact that her son is smarter than she is, so she has to behave as if she understands his math homework and such. Conan said when he has no idea what's going on, he takes the last word a person says and just repeats it.
Conan & Julia discussed that this coming Monday (April 17) at 9:30 on CBS, Andy Richter will be guest appearing on Julia's show "The New Adventures of Old Christine". When Conan was plugging Julia's show, she thought he said "CB-ass" instead of "CBS", so Conan had to confirm that he did in fact say "C-B-S" with the crowd.
When they came back from commercial, the band was on camera but Max had disappeared! Conan said since it was the middle of the Jewish holiday Passover, Max had to leave early to go to a Passover Seder. As Conan was talking, Pender (apparently short for “Penderstein”) got up to leave for the Seder as well, since he's also Jewish. Conan said he never knew Pender was Jewish, but he excused Pender. Then the rest of the band walked in front of the camera for the door, started muttering Jewish phrases, and LaBamba even shouted "bagel!" Conan told them, "You can' just shout out words like 'bagel' and that means you're Jewish." Conan told them to just finish the rest of the show, but Max emerged from the studio doors, drumsticks in hand, dressed as Moses saying, "Let my people go!" He was commanded by God to return for his band. He threw down one of his drumsticks, and it turned into a snake. Conan blatantly pointed out, "That snake didn't even slither, and you could see the string (pulling it), for God's sake." Conan gave in and said they could go, but he didn't know how they'd get past the 2 office water coolers (labeled "Red Sea Water Company") in the hallway. Max pointed his drumsticks at the water coolers, and they miraculously parted, allowing the band to run out of the studio. Conan said this happens every Passover, so he was prepared and pulled out a boom box from behind his desk to provide music for the commercial break. He pressed a button to start playing the music but accidentally pressed the "eject" button on the tape player. The music started to play anyway.
Jason Sudeikis joined Conan in Act IV. Jason joined the cast of "Saturday Night Live" last year and was a writer for 2 years before that. Conan & Jason were discussing pronunciation of "Sudeikis" and Jason said he was sure Conan would at least get it right next time. Conan jokingly replied, "There will be no next time" and mimed pulling on his desk mic to open a hole in the ground beneath the guest chair. Conan said, "I'd kill for one of those" referring to a guest ejector. Jason said a great part of working at SNL is hearing Don Pardo say his name, and wandering around saying his name over and over again when he first joined the cast to get it right.
Jason does a Dr. Phil impression but Darrell Hammond does a "much better impression" of Dr. Phil so Jason doesn’t do it on the show. His Dr. Phil impression is actually just his impression of his high school basketball coach, who would say things like, "You can get a dog to bark by grabbin' on his ding-dong, but you ain't always gonna get the kind of bark you want." Jason has never met Dr. Phil, but he has a friend in Texas who was walking around listening to his head phones and went to cross the street during a red light, when suddenly a yellow Ferrari honked at him and the driver yelled, "Get out of the way, idiot!" He looked up at the car only to see Dr. Phil behind the wheel giving him the finger.
Jason’s favorite celebrity interaction behind the scenes at SNL was with Snoop Doggy Dogg when he was a writer and Snoop was hosting. Snoop was dropping little pearls of wisdom throughout the meeting with the writers, and at the end, Jason and his friend suggested to Snoop that Saturday after the show, they should party and get a ho. Snoop replied, "Why get only one ho? Why not two or three? Don't put limits on your life. Dream big; you may never wake up." Conan said that sentiment was right up there with "reading is a right, not a privilege."
To close the show, Daniel Powter performed the song "Bad Day" from his self-titled album.
-- conansgoddess / Amanda
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