Uneasiness
I should move on...I have to move on... I'm not a quitter though...I can still hope right? Is it healthy though? Is it still healthy to continue hoping in spite of the knowledge that it's not going happen in this lifetime or the next because of a certain view they have towards me? ...why...why deny that which could make me happy (in a "whole-ness" sense)? It's not like I won't return the feelings, if anything I'd actually give out ten-fold more than what I could be receiving... Or is it just "not my shoes to fill"? Maybe I just want what I can't have. Is that wrong? I would've been better off if I didn't go to that one party a year or two ago...I wouldn't have remembered that feeling...that crush. I had good three years of no contact that I would have cared less of how I felt...I screwed that up for myself accepting the invitation. Then again, it would have been rude if I didn't go...but, they weren't really expecting me to be there... I don't know how to move on. Well...I don't know of a positive way to move on. I'm creating drama for myself...I can't help it. It's actually a genuine emotion. I guess in a way...I'm mimicking the same thing the other went through at one point in their life, though not exactly the same, but still in it's essence very similar. I could use some of my own advice right now... It's not gonna help me much though... I know what I'd say. I would never say "if it's meant to be, then it will be"... I excerise my will to choose. It may have helped if at the time I was given a reason why "it can't be." ...to tell you the truth, I don't even know a legit reason "why not?" Any kind of reason could help the process of moving on. Physical, mental, emotional, finacial, spiritual, hell I'd buy any type of "---al" reason...at least that'll get me started. I know that the person I am refering to will read this entry eventually. I'm hoping she will. I need her to know my thoughts that have been going on lately. I don't want to call her. Hearing her voice will make it worse for me. And it's already bad that she may even reply to this...I don't even know if she will though...but I still would rather communicate through here...or email. I may soon be saying "good-bye" to livejournal...no real point in me keeping this thing... Anyway...yeah, I really want to hear from you, but also not...I just want to know "why?" You know who you are...