a new season
Some time an overwhelming desire or need to disappear overcomes me. This drive to be alone without worry or concern is frustrating and debilitating. It pushes me into situations where my decisions are based on the fact that I’ve stopped functioning because I just don’t want to exist. These thoughts drive my decision making and can be beyond overpowering.
Because of these thoughts recently, I’ve found myself considering what I’d chosen as my life long occupation and questioning the validity of this choice. I know over the course of the last several years, I’ve struggled. I’ve tried to push myself through this but the depression is too deeply rooted and too overpowering for me to struggle through. I’ve decided in the last couple of weeks that it is time to slay this demon and to change careers. In my counseling sessions, almost every episode seems tied to the occupation that I’m abandoning. I don’t believe for an instance that it is the only demon that I carry but at this moment seems to be the most debilitating.
I guess giving some background would be appropriate. In July of 2005 I had weight loss surgery. It has been a successful adventure for me. I’ve lost nearly 200 pounds and have perhaps 100-150 more pounds to lose before I am out of the “over weight” category. Over the last 14 months, I’ve changed many things about myself, not only the size clothes that I wear but how I eat, what I eat and even how I look at myself. It’s brought into focus a desire to take better care of myself than I’ve done in the past. This includes making decisions based on putting myself and my needs first. This is a little surprising to some of my friends at first but hopefully as they challenge my decisions they will understand my motivations and accept that I’m not making frivolous decisions but am still thinking them through as thoroughly as I ever have.
As my self perception has changed I now recognize some of my needs and desires that remained dormant and hidden through many years of my existence. Now, I’m working to satisfy some of these desires. I’m not going to allow conventional wisdom to dictate to me what can and cannot work, nor would should nor should not. I’ve found someone about whom I care very deeply. These feelings are new to me. I’ve never experienced emotions as deep as these. I’ve never experienced a desire to be with someone like I’ve experienced with these new emotions. It’s time for me to try and fulfill these needs and desires.
To those I know and those I don’t, I hope you realize that my thoughts reflect what I’m thinking and feeling. They represent my own attempt to justify to myself the decisions that I need to make. They represent me trying to work my way through my thoughts, desires and emotions as I make more life altering decisions. I’m here. I’m thinking and I’m deciding which direction I should select. Don’t we all approach life’s crossroads?
Once upon a time I’d established goals and objectives for myself. Many of them I achieved. Some disappeared. Today, I face an open highway. It is devoid of goals and objectives. Well not really devoid but the ones that exist are being approached. There is a plan in place and I’m working to achieve them. There are other deep seated goals that have never crossed my radar until recently (I’m old, recently is relative.). Now, my challenge is to design a plan which allows me to achieve these goals.
Looking back at the past five years or so, it’s this path with these or any other goals that were missing from my life. Life demands that I set down a path. I need a direction. That’s why I’m typing in circles and facing these difficult decisions. Bear with me as I publicly procrastinate and examine the decisions that I’m making as I design my plan to approach the next stage of my life.
Walk with me and hold my hand,
Observe the changing of the seasons.
The time has come for summer to turn to fall.
The crops are harvested.
The fields lay fallow as they are prepared for the next planting.
The soil is rich and fertile.
The seeds are gathered.
Plant these seeds in the fertile soil of my being.
Watch these crops grow and blossom.
Walk with me and hold my hand.
It’s time for a new day, a new way.
Because of these thoughts recently, I’ve found myself considering what I’d chosen as my life long occupation and questioning the validity of this choice. I know over the course of the last several years, I’ve struggled. I’ve tried to push myself through this but the depression is too deeply rooted and too overpowering for me to struggle through. I’ve decided in the last couple of weeks that it is time to slay this demon and to change careers. In my counseling sessions, almost every episode seems tied to the occupation that I’m abandoning. I don’t believe for an instance that it is the only demon that I carry but at this moment seems to be the most debilitating.
I guess giving some background would be appropriate. In July of 2005 I had weight loss surgery. It has been a successful adventure for me. I’ve lost nearly 200 pounds and have perhaps 100-150 more pounds to lose before I am out of the “over weight” category. Over the last 14 months, I’ve changed many things about myself, not only the size clothes that I wear but how I eat, what I eat and even how I look at myself. It’s brought into focus a desire to take better care of myself than I’ve done in the past. This includes making decisions based on putting myself and my needs first. This is a little surprising to some of my friends at first but hopefully as they challenge my decisions they will understand my motivations and accept that I’m not making frivolous decisions but am still thinking them through as thoroughly as I ever have.
As my self perception has changed I now recognize some of my needs and desires that remained dormant and hidden through many years of my existence. Now, I’m working to satisfy some of these desires. I’m not going to allow conventional wisdom to dictate to me what can and cannot work, nor would should nor should not. I’ve found someone about whom I care very deeply. These feelings are new to me. I’ve never experienced emotions as deep as these. I’ve never experienced a desire to be with someone like I’ve experienced with these new emotions. It’s time for me to try and fulfill these needs and desires.
To those I know and those I don’t, I hope you realize that my thoughts reflect what I’m thinking and feeling. They represent my own attempt to justify to myself the decisions that I need to make. They represent me trying to work my way through my thoughts, desires and emotions as I make more life altering decisions. I’m here. I’m thinking and I’m deciding which direction I should select. Don’t we all approach life’s crossroads?
Once upon a time I’d established goals and objectives for myself. Many of them I achieved. Some disappeared. Today, I face an open highway. It is devoid of goals and objectives. Well not really devoid but the ones that exist are being approached. There is a plan in place and I’m working to achieve them. There are other deep seated goals that have never crossed my radar until recently (I’m old, recently is relative.). Now, my challenge is to design a plan which allows me to achieve these goals.
Looking back at the past five years or so, it’s this path with these or any other goals that were missing from my life. Life demands that I set down a path. I need a direction. That’s why I’m typing in circles and facing these difficult decisions. Bear with me as I publicly procrastinate and examine the decisions that I’m making as I design my plan to approach the next stage of my life.
Walk with me and hold my hand,
Observe the changing of the seasons.
The time has come for summer to turn to fall.
The crops are harvested.
The fields lay fallow as they are prepared for the next planting.
The soil is rich and fertile.
The seeds are gathered.
Plant these seeds in the fertile soil of my being.
Watch these crops grow and blossom.
Walk with me and hold my hand.
It’s time for a new day, a new way.