'hanging on by a thread'
So i think i'm just on the verge of a mental and physical breakdown. i'm tired, i sleep through clas then i come home and take a 3 hour nap. I just dont feel happy and i cant really explain why. i mean its a combination of things. school is far more stressful than its ever been before. and i'm dreading finals. i've never had to worry to hard about doing good on finals cuz usually i do good most of the semester so if i do ok on the final it wouldnt usually affect my grades. but this year i'm on the brink of going down in a few classes,or well i guess just brit lit. and i know i didnt do good on the last essay test we did, but hopfully the ode and the grecian urn essay will balance that out and i can get up to like an 84%. i would be satisfied with that, insead of the 80% i'm at now. i cant get a c. i already feel like a failure because of pre calc. there is no possible way i can pass that final and i just pray that i keep a c for the semester in that class. i had a tutor come today, but it didnt really do much good seeing as i didnt understand a semester of work and now trying to understand it all is impossible. but i've come to the conclusion that my unstable mental status is probably being caused my low grades. and they arent low in many peoples' standards, but to me they just seem shitty. i feel like a failure who will end up not getting into a college and not doing anything with my life. i hope that doesnt happen. i'm sure it wont, i mean 10 previous years of acedemic success cant be completely wipped out by one semester of so-so grades. i mean something above a 3.5 maybe closer to a 3.8 if i do well on finals, but with 3 honors classes i wish i could get a 4.0. thats my goal for next semester. which means that i will have to spend less time hanging out with friends or on the internet and really focus on school. i've just been stressing out so much lately. i'm still talking to chris. i do like him. he said something last night about 'what we were' but then he like changed the subject. i dunno what he wants it to be. i mean laura said he doesnt ask girls out, or maybe he just doesnt want a relationship like that with me. maybe he thinks we are better as friends. at this point i dont care. i mean i do, i like him. and i wanted to call him tonight just to say hi and stuff, but cuz we arent like anything more than friends tecnically i'de feel weird calling him. he is like out with his friends i dont wanna bother him. and then he sent a text message today that was mean, but i was sleeping so i didnt ask if he was serious or not. and i get so paranoid that all of a sudden he is gonna realize that he doesnt wanna waste his time with me. i dont know why i think like that or get so worried, maybe its all in my head or maybe not. alright well i'm gonna write my journalism project bio, which i am very happy to say i'm almost done with and happy with it. so i guess i'll update some other time