~~Caution~~
I am starting to loath holidays. Mother's day was bad, and today was actually worse. Today was actually the first day that I thought about suicide in a long time. Before I have had thoughts like "Lord, now I understand why people could think that suicide might be an answer." Today was more like, "I wonder what I would have to do to keep from waking up in the morning. I really don't see any point to waking up." Now, before someone calls Charter (maybe that is just a Muncie, Indiana thing) on me, keep listening (reading). The convo went a little something like this:
Me: blah blah blah waking up . . .
Me (a few minutes later): OK, Lord, you know what you are doing (almost rolling my eyes with the thought) so I know this will all work out for good, so I give it all to you. I just don't see the point in going on.
GOD: Ari, have you ever once, anywhere gotten the idea from me that suicide might be in my plan?
Me: No . . . . bu (pretend I was gonna say but, and then God interrupts me)
So, God didn't really say anything there, but I was hit with His peace again, and was suddenly without rebuttal. Then I realized that Job made it through and was blessed, and all he had been left with is the thought that having God is better then having anything. This is where the idea of loosing Andee hit. Since I am already being completely honest, I am just going to admit that for a millisecond I thought, "If I didn't have Andee, I could . . ." I didn't really complete the thought on that this time, but for more on that see the entry for May 10. And yes, I felt dirty for even starting to think that way. I realized that if I did lose Andee at this point I think that I might really just lose my mind. I can only pray that if that does happen I will be able to say "YOUR will be done."
So, a little while later I am thinking and yes, I am crying again. It hits me, maybe God just really wanted me at my lowest. Maybe I needed that to see that I really am nothing without Him. Maybe it really was the only way to remind me that I have to give EVERYTHING to Him. We are talking a total wipe out of Ari's financial, emotional, physical, and intellectual resources. After getting towed not just once, but twice this week. First was because my car broke down on the way home from Florida. Turns out I was out of gas, but the gage was still reading a 6th of a tank left. And then getting towed tonight for parking in the wrong spot . . . yeah that one cost me 101 dollars. And walking down to my car with a hand full of sleeping Andee and a bag full of stuff for the pool only to find out that my car wasn't there really was the perverbial straw that broke the camel's back. This on top of emotional drama that I really don't have the restraint needed to go into without saying things I will regret, so I just won't go there. Along with pain in most of my body from too much hiking after way way too much inactivity, and the serious head ache from stress and the left-overs of last-night's fiasco. And the intellectual strain of over-analyzing everything, especially how I am going to flunk out of college, how I am the worst mother ever, the worst ways to lose a best friend, and . . . so, I thought . . .ok Lord, I believe you will work it all out for good. Here I am, I am yours. I don't have much left, but before it takes everything to teach me this lesson, I am yours. I have been abused, broken, and discarded, but I am . . .
So, all that is evil in me jumps in the fun here. Next thing I know I am actually convinced that I am so worthless that not even God could use me. Thoughts like, "God 'says' he uses the least, but Moses was just stupid, and you're worthless" and "no wonder . . . picked someone he has seen 7 times over your complete trust and dedicated friendship, because you are worthless" You can substitute other words for worthless too, in those few seconds, I was slammed with the most vile thoughts I have ever had about myself. Here is the reason for tonight's whole entry though. You see, I said "those few seconds", because almost the same time those thoughts entered my head, my Father put down the checkmate. I love the term checkmate, but for those non-chess-players out there, it means that there is absolutely nothing you can do to get out of it . . game over, this wins all.
I wish I could highlight this for you, because it really was amazing. It was like a breath of fresh air after being in a car with the windows up with Joel, Carmen, and Holly for a few hours after we have all been hiking for a long long time. The evil voices stopped and that still small voice said, "Now you will know that what happens is ME in you." It was pretty much "I love you" and "you are not worthless" and "I am about to do amazing things in you" all in one. I have no idea what is around the corner, but I am looking forward to tomorrow.
Me: blah blah blah waking up . . .
Me (a few minutes later): OK, Lord, you know what you are doing (almost rolling my eyes with the thought) so I know this will all work out for good, so I give it all to you. I just don't see the point in going on.
GOD: Ari, have you ever once, anywhere gotten the idea from me that suicide might be in my plan?
Me: No . . . . bu (pretend I was gonna say but, and then God interrupts me)
So, God didn't really say anything there, but I was hit with His peace again, and was suddenly without rebuttal. Then I realized that Job made it through and was blessed, and all he had been left with is the thought that having God is better then having anything. This is where the idea of loosing Andee hit. Since I am already being completely honest, I am just going to admit that for a millisecond I thought, "If I didn't have Andee, I could . . ." I didn't really complete the thought on that this time, but for more on that see the entry for May 10. And yes, I felt dirty for even starting to think that way. I realized that if I did lose Andee at this point I think that I might really just lose my mind. I can only pray that if that does happen I will be able to say "YOUR will be done."
So, a little while later I am thinking and yes, I am crying again. It hits me, maybe God just really wanted me at my lowest. Maybe I needed that to see that I really am nothing without Him. Maybe it really was the only way to remind me that I have to give EVERYTHING to Him. We are talking a total wipe out of Ari's financial, emotional, physical, and intellectual resources. After getting towed not just once, but twice this week. First was because my car broke down on the way home from Florida. Turns out I was out of gas, but the gage was still reading a 6th of a tank left. And then getting towed tonight for parking in the wrong spot . . . yeah that one cost me 101 dollars. And walking down to my car with a hand full of sleeping Andee and a bag full of stuff for the pool only to find out that my car wasn't there really was the perverbial straw that broke the camel's back. This on top of emotional drama that I really don't have the restraint needed to go into without saying things I will regret, so I just won't go there. Along with pain in most of my body from too much hiking after way way too much inactivity, and the serious head ache from stress and the left-overs of last-night's fiasco. And the intellectual strain of over-analyzing everything, especially how I am going to flunk out of college, how I am the worst mother ever, the worst ways to lose a best friend, and . . . so, I thought . . .ok Lord, I believe you will work it all out for good. Here I am, I am yours. I don't have much left, but before it takes everything to teach me this lesson, I am yours. I have been abused, broken, and discarded, but I am . . .
So, all that is evil in me jumps in the fun here. Next thing I know I am actually convinced that I am so worthless that not even God could use me. Thoughts like, "God 'says' he uses the least, but Moses was just stupid, and you're worthless" and "no wonder . . . picked someone he has seen 7 times over your complete trust and dedicated friendship, because you are worthless" You can substitute other words for worthless too, in those few seconds, I was slammed with the most vile thoughts I have ever had about myself. Here is the reason for tonight's whole entry though. You see, I said "those few seconds", because almost the same time those thoughts entered my head, my Father put down the checkmate. I love the term checkmate, but for those non-chess-players out there, it means that there is absolutely nothing you can do to get out of it . . game over, this wins all.
I wish I could highlight this for you, because it really was amazing. It was like a breath of fresh air after being in a car with the windows up with Joel, Carmen, and Holly for a few hours after we have all been hiking for a long long time. The evil voices stopped and that still small voice said, "Now you will know that what happens is ME in you." It was pretty much "I love you" and "you are not worthless" and "I am about to do amazing things in you" all in one. I have no idea what is around the corner, but I am looking forward to tomorrow.