Is endurance worth it?
I have said a hundred times that I wear myself to a point beyond real life. I seem to have found myself once again in this limbo of forces where I am being torn. I am in a "situation" if you will, that is wearing me down all too quickly. When does one decide that the perverbial light at the end of the tunnel is still worth the journey there, and when does one decide that the current stuggle is not worth it, and you should cut your losses and run. My life style seems to have worn this line down into a vision of a line on paper drawn in pencil, that has been erased and redrawn so many times that the paper is forever smugged and torn in places and desperately frayed. I feel so forever exhausted, that I am no longer able to make healthy decisions. Everything I see lies in this devouring grey area. It is starting to hurt.
I have been afraid that people see me as someone who can't deal with stress well at all. I don't konw why I worry about this, except that I want to be transparent, which would usually translate into wanting people to see me for who I am. I think I deal with stress better than most. The problem is that I have so much stress in my life sooo often that now any little new thing that comes along can tip the scales. A friend of mine recently said she could relate now that she is deep into med school. She is so buried in stress with classes now, that any little conflict can send her over the edge. Conflicts that could have easily have been resolved before. I am so overjoyed to feel like I have a friend who understands this finally. I feel like a juggler with 10 active chain saws in the air. Someone might throw a ball at me and then get upset when I drop it all. If one were a great juggler a simple ball should be easy right? But they are failing to see that I am now mangled and drowning in a pool of my own illustrations.
So, I add to my life some color. Vibrant color. Baskets and pockets and cards full of hope. Hope of restoration. Hope of fullness. Hope of what all I can't seem to articulate. I see it modifying my future. I see this job bringing some of my dreams to new fullnesses. I pour myself into it.
This brilliance has become disappointment after disappointment. Maybe I was too broken. Maybe I just saw it for what I wanted instead of what it was because I am so ready for this stage in my life to be at an end. The delima is that I still feel like it has hope. I see beauty. There is just so much distance between me and that hope now. It has become a light at the end of a tunnel filled with more disappointments. I want to hold on more than ever because I want the light and beauty that I had for just a moment. I desperately want what is on the other side of this mountain, and I have been telling myself it would be better, eventually, if I just kept at it. I even pushed forward with a good attitude for awhile as I reminded myself of how the struggles were making the product so much more worth it. But I am sooo tired. If I had known of these battles before I began I would NOT be here. I knew that my life couldn't handle this extra challenge. I am so confused. I want to write forever in hopes of suddenly typing the answer so that I can read it and follow its direction. But the truth is that I am running out of ways/cliche's to say it. I want what I was promised and yet I don't have, and I don't know how to determine how much more is worthwhile. If everytime a promise is made, it gets delayed, how much longer to you wait.
And when do I get to break something with a sledgehammer? Ha
I have been afraid that people see me as someone who can't deal with stress well at all. I don't konw why I worry about this, except that I want to be transparent, which would usually translate into wanting people to see me for who I am. I think I deal with stress better than most. The problem is that I have so much stress in my life sooo often that now any little new thing that comes along can tip the scales. A friend of mine recently said she could relate now that she is deep into med school. She is so buried in stress with classes now, that any little conflict can send her over the edge. Conflicts that could have easily have been resolved before. I am so overjoyed to feel like I have a friend who understands this finally. I feel like a juggler with 10 active chain saws in the air. Someone might throw a ball at me and then get upset when I drop it all. If one were a great juggler a simple ball should be easy right? But they are failing to see that I am now mangled and drowning in a pool of my own illustrations.
So, I add to my life some color. Vibrant color. Baskets and pockets and cards full of hope. Hope of restoration. Hope of fullness. Hope of what all I can't seem to articulate. I see it modifying my future. I see this job bringing some of my dreams to new fullnesses. I pour myself into it.
This brilliance has become disappointment after disappointment. Maybe I was too broken. Maybe I just saw it for what I wanted instead of what it was because I am so ready for this stage in my life to be at an end. The delima is that I still feel like it has hope. I see beauty. There is just so much distance between me and that hope now. It has become a light at the end of a tunnel filled with more disappointments. I want to hold on more than ever because I want the light and beauty that I had for just a moment. I desperately want what is on the other side of this mountain, and I have been telling myself it would be better, eventually, if I just kept at it. I even pushed forward with a good attitude for awhile as I reminded myself of how the struggles were making the product so much more worth it. But I am sooo tired. If I had known of these battles before I began I would NOT be here. I knew that my life couldn't handle this extra challenge. I am so confused. I want to write forever in hopes of suddenly typing the answer so that I can read it and follow its direction. But the truth is that I am running out of ways/cliche's to say it. I want what I was promised and yet I don't have, and I don't know how to determine how much more is worthwhile. If everytime a promise is made, it gets delayed, how much longer to you wait.
And when do I get to break something with a sledgehammer? Ha