(no subject)
There is a lot of stuff going on in my life right now. Crap mostly. Or well, at least . . . I don't want to talk about it. Which is weird. When I do talk about any of it, it comes across as angry or bitter, which I don't think I am, which usually just means that the subject is under-processed in my mind. I usually need time to sort out things and to find the best ways in which to say them. People have been getting mad at me because I haven't been talking, in fact I have been yelled at for giving up on friendships, which is completely what I don't need right now. I try to explain that I feel like I am face-planted into rock, and instead of finding the support I could use, I get . . . more frustration. None of this is making any sense, but at least I am journaling exactly what is going on in my head, cuz nothing is making sense there either. I have found myself feeling hurt by friends just because they don't already know where I am at. I don't want to explain, but I need them to know how to support me. I also got really mad at my mom today, and I looked at a friend with this look that was to say "can you be-lieve her?!?" and my friend calmly said, "Ari, I think a good rest will do you a lot of good" All that to say, that I am sure the problem is to be found in me, but I don't really know what to do about it. I know I am sounding angry and bitter now, but it isnt the problems that are making me like this, it is the constant "Why are you angry?" that is making me angry. and no, i am not going to explain any better than that. The only people I have found that are actually easy for me to talk to right now, are the people that are new in my life, the people who don't already know, and shouldn't have any reason to know the past. Maybe talking to them is easy just because they don't know me well enough to ask questions, I can tell them what I want, put the spin on the story as I see fit, and they won't know any better. Could that really be it? putting it that way just sounds like I am hiding something, I don't think I am. I think I just need a change, a fresh start. Which also sounds silly since I am at a mid-point in so many things, nothing is changing for a long time. I think I just said it best when I said the subject(s) are under-processed in my mind, i think I need time to think, and I am not getting it. of course normally I think best out loud. Nothing is normal.