(no subject)

[cnicholls4life]

i love him, and thank him for what i have, yet i blame him for everything. i barely ever talk to him. hes in my heart though. i know this. i just hope he forgives me for everything ive ever done to hurt him, and let me in. im such a depressed person. everyone sees me as a nobody. i know now that im forever dirt. i dont exist. since i am non-existant. i shall put forth all effort into making myself feel so. i let the water out until i drown in it. one session is never enough. im going tomorrow. im going to tell her i need help. i need someone. but not just anybody. what im going through, MOST, NOT ALL, MOST could not imagine. hating your father, wanting to die, wanting others to die, missing someone so terribly hes one of the only things on your mind besides the love of your life and your lack of happiness. you cry every night for him. you just think about him and start crying uncontrollably. it takes a man with knowledge beyond his years to help you grieve. yes, you are a man, i must say. you havent always been. but you are. you are my man. always and forever. and that, indeed, is the only thing that makes me happy. except for the unknown, hidden love, that you have finally found for someone you never though possible. well, maybe possible, but definitely not probable. that has also made me happy. im grateful for you. you made my weekend much less miserable without him. and i cant thank you enough. and for someone else. i finally felt genius because i knew the help you needed. and i was available and able to give it to you. it feels good to help someone you thought you could never have such luck with. but only i find the improbable, yet so simple, little things. tomorrow is going to be a great day. i can guarantee it. i dont care what goes on. but god dammit i am so sick and tired of being jealous of you. i fucking detest you and your friend. and your other friend. i absolutely loathe all three of you. im so tired of hating you. but i cant help it. i see you in the hallway and cant help but think 'wow, shes so much prettier than me, yet, shes hideous, uglier than me.' whats wrong with me? i have such a split opinion about you all. god i cant stand it. im without my alfredo for a total of two days now. that sucks. the only thing i have now is capone. how lovely. i think i am done now.
hmmm...
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yeah. im done. g'day.