(Untitled)
I haven't updated this thing in forever...Oh well.
Do me a favor, Taylor, and pray for me to die.
Anyways, here's something that I wrote.
( A quick glance )
Do me a favor, Taylor, and pray for me to die.
Anyways, here's something that I wrote.
( A quick glance )
You should know by now that I'm always watching your eyes; their two-step romance as they dart back and forth from your feet to my face and then back to your feet. [The second phrase isn't a complete sentence, so you can't use a semicolon.]
Silly girl, what's the point of hiding it? Oh well, I love it. ["It" repeats; I suggest taking out the first one.]
The leaves crunch soundly [word choice] underneath our feet, yours clad in brand new tennis shoes, mine barefoot as always. The leaves emit only one last cry as their majestic life from treetops to footsteps ended[tense shift] below us. [Also, I agree with Nicky's comments about this section.]
“They deserve better than this, you know?" My voice sticks out like a soar[sore] thumb in the midst of the serenity resonating[verb choice - when I hear "resonating" I think sound, and you want the opposite.] amongst the trees. I’m not worthy to break the silence that encases us like a child clasping water in the makeshift goblet of her hands[I think you overdo it a bit with that simile. The rest of the sentences are pretty plain, and then there's this.]
You laugh a little bit, flick back your hair. "What in the world are you rambling about?"
I just smile back["back" repeats]. I know you weren’t really expecting an answer, just as I wasn't really expecting you to understand what in the world I was rambling about.[That didn't really work. There's too much repetition: you repeat both "really expecting" and "what in the world...rambling about", so pick one.]
You put your hand on my shoulder, look me in the eyes, and then push me to the ground.[Show, don't tell!] By the way your[you're] laughing I can tell you think this is funny. And I'll admit, it is (a little.) Extending my hand towards you, and presenting you with my best pity-me face, I know you will help me up.[Break that into two sentences, because it's not parallel: "I extend my hand towards you, presenting my best pity-me face. I know you'll help me up."] You always have been a sucker for the pity-me face.
And in that moment that our hands interlocked [tense shift], our eyes met.[tense] And again you let your eyes dance away from mine; twirling and dipping, finally coming to a standstill on your brand new tennis shoes.[You can't use a semicolon there; the second fragment is not a complete sentence.]
Your windswept crimson hair catches a glint [phrasing is awkward, maybe something like: "Golden sunrays glint on your windswept crimson hair. Light cascades to your cheeks..."]of golden sunrays and the light cascades to your cheeks (either that, or you are blushing.)[I don't really understand the parentheses. This works, but I think "You always have been a sucker for the pity-me face" would also work well in parentheses, and I don't like "what seems like", later.] Whichever it is, I am lost in an auburn sea. Drowning. But drowning [not necessary] always has seemed to be a romantic, poetic death to me.
The awkwardness of the moment slowly creeps into my mind. Panic soon follows. What do I do? I mean, we're only 12. Well, there is only one thing to do in a situation like this. I run. [I want more! There's not enough build-up to the moment. You've only been panicking for a line, and I didn't even get to feel any of that.]
For a second I'm pretty sure a deer looked up from grazing somewhere [Is the "for a second" misplaced? I don't really understand what it's contributing.], perhaps to discover the source of where the far-off sound was coming from.
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I'm not positive how long we've been running, probably close to (what seems like) [Why say that? The reader knows you're not being literal.] a million years. And I'd say that's about long enough for now. I collapse onto the mossy forest floor, pulling you down next to me. Laughing, choking, wheezing. Perfect.[For what, nefarious plans?] Your cheeks are red from exhaustion (either that, or you are blushing)[I like that repetition.] and your crimson hair flows out underneath your head, as though you are floating on your back in the ocean. Your chest rises and falls, as though ocean waves grace your very flesh.[that's awkward - "ocean waves grace your very flesh"]
There's occasionally a sense of disconnection, especially once the characters start running. Try fleshing out that transition so it doesn't seem disjointed. For the most part I liked the repetition, but sometimes you accidentally repeated words, so watch for that. I liked the sense of movement and description in sound, but I'd like to see more description in general. How did the trees look? Colors? Scents? Touch?
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Yes, I do agree with you on just about everything you said. There were a few word choices and repititions that you were opposed to that i happen to like, but i believe that's just a case of personal opinion.
I do agree with the fact that i need more description in general, instead of just a few places with so much description that it becomes convoluted.
Ah, but now, after you pointed it out, that "You laugh a little bit, flick back your hair. "What in the world are you rambling about?"
I just smile back" part just drives me insane. Thanks for pointing it out.
I'll definitly take what you say into consideration when i do my next revision of this.
THANKS! ^_^
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