(Untitled)

[cnaorte]

I haven't updated this thing in forever...Oh well.

Do me a favor, Taylor, and pray for me to die.

Anyways, here's something that I wrote.

Comments

[obsessive24]

From what I've seen of the girl so far, I don't know if shrill is a good way to describe her laughter. The word has a bad connotation to me, and so far she's been lovely.

For a second I’m pretty sure a deer looked up from grazing somewhere, perhaps to discover the source of where the far-off sound was coming from.
The content confuses me somewhat. How did you know a deer looked up 'somewhere'? For this to work, the deer probably needs to have a more precise location (within sight), otherwise the narrator just ends up sounding eerily omniscient. ;) The structure seems flawed; you're saying "the source of where the sound is coming from", when it should be "the source of the sound [itself]". Does that make sense?

because once I stop running the awkwardness will return, just as your hand will return to your side.
I quite liked this sentence.

Around the tree. Under the limb. Through the spider webs that are nested between long forgotten trees.
I definitely liked the sentence fragments. The only reservation I have about this bit is that tree is repeated in quick succession and it sounds a bit unpolished. Consider another word in the second instance? Perhaps... a particular kind of tree? Oak, pine, elm, etc.

probably close to (what seems like) a million years
I like the sentiment in this phrase, but once again think there are too many descriptors. "Probably". "Close to". "What seems like". You should be able to cut out at least one, maybe even two, to make the whole thing tighter.

I collapse onto the mossy forest floor, pulling you down next to me. Laughing, choking, wheezing. Perfect.
Really liked these couple of sentences. You seem to have a knack for writing good descriptions of action, which I'm quite jealous of.

your crimson hair flows out underneath your head
Where else would it flow out from?

I fall asleep next to you. And you fall asleep next to me.
Love the ending. The two sentences play off very well against each other.

Hope that was helpful and not too harsh!
Nicky

[cnaorte]

Thanks! Yes, I definetly agree with you on just about all of those, especially about the repetition of the word "tree"; once you pointed that out it just drove me crazy.

Where else would hair flow from?
Scary question.

I'll work on clarifying the sentence about the dear. It's a little abstract, and not necessarily even needed, so I'll see what I can do.

And about "I’m not worthy to break the silence that encases us like a child clasping water in the makeshift goblet of her hands," the silence is what is encasing us like the little girls hands, and we are the water that is being encased.

Basically it seems like I just need to find a good medium on how descriptive to be. I either don't do enough sometimes, or I try to compensate for that by doing too much. So I'll work on that.

Thanks for taking the time to critique it so much. And no, it was not too harsh at all.