Outta Controllll
I hate that I always let everything turn into a mess. I wish I could start over with a new body, mind, and fricken bedroom.
Seriously, my body must be disgusting on the inside. I need to eat well and exercise, but it's too much effort. I wish I could cleanse my entire insides, completely empty myself, and start over. I want to eat right; follow a diet high in all the things humans need to function properly, including more Vitamin C and D, fiber, calcium, zinc, just...everything! I'm sick of always feeling crappy because of how I take care of myself, or don't.
I want a healthy mind. I hate looking at my pill box with 9 different medications and supplements in it, knowing that I could have avoided that, and still can, with a little effort. Half of them aren't necessary, or shouldn't be, but I feel like I still need them because I'm all for quick fixes and taking a pill to solve my little body-annoyances, that's how I think of them. I want to get out of that mindset, but it's just SO EASY to rely on pills that probably aren't doing ANYTHING.
I don't want to sleep in until 3 anymore. I hate it I hate it I hate it, but I just can't make myself roll out of bed until it's official that I'm gonna be late for work.
I want my room to magically be spotless so I can try the whole keeping it that way thing again without having to do so much (literally 10 loads of) laundry and straightening up. It's gotten to the point where I'm gonna have to get down on my hands and knees and wash the floor. It makes me feel exhausted even just THINKING about changing my bedsheets or bringing all the Coke cans downstairs.
I hate that it's one big vicious cycle. Not taking my medicine makes me feel like absolute, worthless shit, making me unable to get out of bed in the moring, get the things I NEED to do done, have fun with my friends, and think clearly at work. But I never take my medicine because I'm supposed to take it at 7AM and 3PM and I'm always asleep for 7AM (I can't even force myself to sit up for less than a minute to take the 7AM med) and don't usually take it at 3PM cause it's when I wake up with an empty stomach (and usually feel too shitty and worthless to bother to eat or take medicine). AND because I don't take the right doses at the right times, I can't get back on a regular sleep schedule, end up sleeping in all day, and feeling like shit. I just need to take my neds. That and one day full of motivation. I could fix almost everything that's bothering me.
Sorry if that big long explanation didn't make sense. Basically, I feel worthless and lazy and like complete shit and I can't end it because I'm stuck in a frustrating cycle, which makes me feel even MORE worthless.
PS I know I'm not actually worthless, I just feel really, really, really down and I hate myself for letting everything get this bad when I saw it happening.