What now?
I got this thing, so let's use it.
Life has somehow gotten away from me.
I miss who I used to be.
But I never want to go back.
Why does time have to continue forward?
Fuck.
What am I doing?
Where am I going?
what is the point?
I started this journal to be a more stream of conscious, kind of place. So I can keep doing that.
I work, too much. I miss my kids.
I miss being able to spend time with them.
But why? even when they are home we often aren't together, we each go into our own room and do our own thing. Why do I miss that?
Maybe it's just their sound, their energy, their being.
I need to go to bed, so I can't write long, but hopefully I will again. I need somewhere to put this energy, this feeling of being cooped up in my own skin.
Where will tomorrow be? the same place it is today, things change with such small steps, why are there such big gaps in what was, and what is?
Why do I have so many questions but so few answers.
Why do I feel like a failure at so many things I've never tried?
I wish I was better, better for my friends, better for my family, better for the people I've loved and lost, because I feel I lost those people because I wasn't good enough, and now I fear not being better well make me lose the ones I still do.
I'm scared of being alone, because I know it will be my own fault, and all I will have is that feeling that I caused all my own pain. I blame myself already for the pain I have caused others.
Fuck I need to wake myself up, get myself going, and fucking do something with my life.