Pine Cove
Last week the children and I went with my parents and sister to a Christian family camp in east Texas called Pine Cove. Having little else to do in the evenings, I did some writing. Quite a bit of writing, actually. I'm fairly sure there was some rambling involved, but if you care to wade through it, here it is!
______________________________________
6-30-08
The fact of the matter is, until you have sung the National Anthem at a Texas rodeo, you haven’t had the full American experience. It is one of those things so fully American that you can hardly help but feel a surge of patriotism.
I am always pleasantly surprised at how much I enjoy the rodeo. I seem to forget from year to year. The idea of it sounds somewhat unappealing - sitting out in the sticky hot sun, watching a bunch of sweaty animals and sweaty people running around, kicking up all sorts of dusty allergens. Yuck. But once I get there I hardly notice those things. Instead I notice the line of children eagerly pressed against the fence, wearing their little hats and boots. I notice the pure blue sky dotted with cotton ball clouds. I get caught up in the air of happy excitement among the adults, remembering a time when we were the ones pressed against the fence, dreaming.
Then the riders come out, and I am delighted at their skill. A horse is a big animal, powerful and impressive. To see the way the riders move so fluidly with the horse, both seeming to act as one always impresses me. I am always fearful for the bull riders. I know that they know what they are doing, but it looks so scary! I always hold my breath until after they are flung off and get safely away.
I was glad for the rodeo tonight. It was the first time I have been able to relax since we got to Pine Cove. I have been tense and anxious, wondering what questions will be asked about my life and who is secretly judging me. I am hypersensitive. I automatically infer the most negative connotations from questions or statements. I keep telling myself to relax, that these are good people who are well intentioned, but it is difficult.
Things with an old family friend are strained. I am not sure if it is just on my part, or if it is mutual. In this case I think it is likely mutual. Mark always liked Daniel. He tried to be a positive role model and influence in his life. He often invited us to visit his family in Dallas on our way back to Kansas. Additionally, Mark and his family go to a very strict, very fundamentalist church. Their church is modeled after John McArthur’s church, just like the one that kicked me out. Last summer he strongly encouraged me to try to work things out with Daniel. I feel that at the least he is disappointed in me, and at the worst he thinks I am a terrible sinner, destined for hell, dragging my family down with me. In truth, his opinion is probably somewhere in between those.
This place is just so very Christian. And not only Christian, but family oriented, which means anti-divorce. It’s all about loving Jesus, loving your spouse, and loving your kids - in that order. I am trying hard to make this week about focusing on my kids, and spending time with my parents and sister. It is hard though, with so much Jesus and marriage stuff.
I have already lied to one person. This cute little happy counselor was driving our boat today for water rocketing. She asked me all of these friendly get-to-know-you sorts of questions about my spiritual walk. I told her about my salvation experience, going to a Christian school, working at Pine Cove, teaching at a Christian school, yaddah, yaddah, yaddah.. Then she asked me what my very favorite characteristic of God was. I told her love. It used to be true. I used to feel that God loved me when no one else did. I used to try to model my life after the teaching of Jesus when he said “The greatest commandment is to love the Lord your God with all your mind, soul, and strength; and the second one is like it - love your neighbor as yourself. The law can be summed up into these.” My favorite Bible verse was “But God demonstrated his own love for us in this - while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.” I used to cling to those messages of love. I thought that the rest of the Bible should be viewed through the context of this message. I would get angry at Christians that were judgmental and harsh. It worked out nicely for me for a while. I was surrounded with a comfortable little Christian bubble, where I assumed everyone thought the same way I did. I thought everyone knew that the message of the Bible was love. My disillusionment was slow and painful. It still hurts some. In this place where I once felt so close to God, I now feel a sense of loss. I am relieved to no longer feel confined to the strict rules where I could never measure up, yet I feel sad that I cannot pray and feel that I am never alone. It’s kind of nice to think that the god who created the universe loves you deeply, listens any time you want to talk, and will make good things happen in your life. Then again, it is also nice to feel like you have control over your own life and are free to make your own choices.
Later that day….
I feel like a whiny brat. I keep getting grumpy about everything. I walked out to the parking lot to make a couple of phone calls, and couldn’t find reception anywhere, which was very frustrating. I really don’t like feeling so cut off from the world. My dad just brought in my beach towels that I left hanging over the railing to dry and I was like “Why did you bring in my beach towels? I don’t have any place to hang them in here.” and he was like “They are pretty dry, and they will just get wetter with the dew.” And I was like “Fine. I guess I’ll just throw them on the floor.” But like, my dad keeps trying to be helpful and it just keeps making me grumpy. I feel like he is trying to step in and take over the male role for my family. He keeps doing stuff that he never would have done when Daniel was around. He even spoke for me during the sharing session today without asking me if I wanted to talk or not. I didn’t particularly want to talk, but that’s not the point. That stuff makes me feel like he thinks I can’t handle being the head of my household and that I need a man to do things for me. He keeps making little comments that make me think he is sexist and I never realized it. Like, we took Lydia on the water rocket for the first time today, and afterwards he was like “Lydia, you were really brave for a 6 year old girl!” I know he was just trying to be nice, but it irritated me that he threw in “girl”. Why was that necessary? So I was like “She was brave for any 6 year old, boy or girl! Lots of boys would be scared of that too.”
*sighs and grumbles*
_____________________________________
7-1-08
I prayed today. It was the first time in over a year. I did it because I care about Robin. Tonight after the evening speaker session, Dutch told us to gather in small groups and pray aloud for each other. I was caught off guard and felt rather put on the spot, but then it occurred to me that it wasn’t really a big deal as I knew all the right words to say. As Robin prayed over me, pouring out love and blessings from her heart, I was humbled. When it was my turn to pray for her, it felt slightly awkward at first, but then the words flowed more easily. It was strange, because as I prayed, I felt since of sincerity. It wasn’t that I believed that god was listening and would answer my prayer, it was that the things I was praying for Robin I genuinely want for her. It occurred to me that the purpose of this type of praying out loud is really to be an encouragement to the people around you. I felt like I could do that for Robin, and she was also an encouragement to me. It was an overall pleasant and somewhat surreal experience. I had never really considered any function of prayer outside of direct communication with god, even though I had engaged in this type of prayer of encouragement before. Interesting.
I was glad to have the opportunity to talk with Robin. I have always admired and looked up to her. She is closer to my mom’s age than mine, and has kids between the ages of 13 and 27. I was fairly close with her oldest daughter growing up. I have grown closer to Robin since I have had children of my own, my oldest not much younger than her youngest. I feel an even greater since of camaraderie with her now as she is also fairly recently a single mom. It makes me sad because I know that she and her children are very upset about the divorce. Her situation is very different than mine. Although this is not how I wanted my marriage to end up, I came to a point where I decided that a divorce was best for me and my children, so I left. I tried to make a clean break as much as possible, and have been moving forward with my life since then. I feel like my children are happier and healthier in most ways now.
Robin found out a couple of years ago that her husband had been involved in drugs and numerous affairs over the years of their marriage. They split up, but tried for a couple of years to work things out. Robin worked so hard at forgiveness, and was incredibly patient, giving him time to the changes she felt were essential to make their marriage work. Her husband Raul was broken up about losing his family, and tried to change, but in the end he was unable to break ties with his old life. Their children run the gamut from the older ones being furious with him for treating their mother and family in such a way, to the younger ones being incredibly hurt that he left them. It makes my heart sad that the situation has gone so badly for them. I hope I was able to give her a small bit of encouragement tonight.
______________________________________
6-30-08
The fact of the matter is, until you have sung the National Anthem at a Texas rodeo, you haven’t had the full American experience. It is one of those things so fully American that you can hardly help but feel a surge of patriotism.
I am always pleasantly surprised at how much I enjoy the rodeo. I seem to forget from year to year. The idea of it sounds somewhat unappealing - sitting out in the sticky hot sun, watching a bunch of sweaty animals and sweaty people running around, kicking up all sorts of dusty allergens. Yuck. But once I get there I hardly notice those things. Instead I notice the line of children eagerly pressed against the fence, wearing their little hats and boots. I notice the pure blue sky dotted with cotton ball clouds. I get caught up in the air of happy excitement among the adults, remembering a time when we were the ones pressed against the fence, dreaming.
Then the riders come out, and I am delighted at their skill. A horse is a big animal, powerful and impressive. To see the way the riders move so fluidly with the horse, both seeming to act as one always impresses me. I am always fearful for the bull riders. I know that they know what they are doing, but it looks so scary! I always hold my breath until after they are flung off and get safely away.
I was glad for the rodeo tonight. It was the first time I have been able to relax since we got to Pine Cove. I have been tense and anxious, wondering what questions will be asked about my life and who is secretly judging me. I am hypersensitive. I automatically infer the most negative connotations from questions or statements. I keep telling myself to relax, that these are good people who are well intentioned, but it is difficult.
Things with an old family friend are strained. I am not sure if it is just on my part, or if it is mutual. In this case I think it is likely mutual. Mark always liked Daniel. He tried to be a positive role model and influence in his life. He often invited us to visit his family in Dallas on our way back to Kansas. Additionally, Mark and his family go to a very strict, very fundamentalist church. Their church is modeled after John McArthur’s church, just like the one that kicked me out. Last summer he strongly encouraged me to try to work things out with Daniel. I feel that at the least he is disappointed in me, and at the worst he thinks I am a terrible sinner, destined for hell, dragging my family down with me. In truth, his opinion is probably somewhere in between those.
This place is just so very Christian. And not only Christian, but family oriented, which means anti-divorce. It’s all about loving Jesus, loving your spouse, and loving your kids - in that order. I am trying hard to make this week about focusing on my kids, and spending time with my parents and sister. It is hard though, with so much Jesus and marriage stuff.
I have already lied to one person. This cute little happy counselor was driving our boat today for water rocketing. She asked me all of these friendly get-to-know-you sorts of questions about my spiritual walk. I told her about my salvation experience, going to a Christian school, working at Pine Cove, teaching at a Christian school, yaddah, yaddah, yaddah.. Then she asked me what my very favorite characteristic of God was. I told her love. It used to be true. I used to feel that God loved me when no one else did. I used to try to model my life after the teaching of Jesus when he said “The greatest commandment is to love the Lord your God with all your mind, soul, and strength; and the second one is like it - love your neighbor as yourself. The law can be summed up into these.” My favorite Bible verse was “But God demonstrated his own love for us in this - while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.” I used to cling to those messages of love. I thought that the rest of the Bible should be viewed through the context of this message. I would get angry at Christians that were judgmental and harsh. It worked out nicely for me for a while. I was surrounded with a comfortable little Christian bubble, where I assumed everyone thought the same way I did. I thought everyone knew that the message of the Bible was love. My disillusionment was slow and painful. It still hurts some. In this place where I once felt so close to God, I now feel a sense of loss. I am relieved to no longer feel confined to the strict rules where I could never measure up, yet I feel sad that I cannot pray and feel that I am never alone. It’s kind of nice to think that the god who created the universe loves you deeply, listens any time you want to talk, and will make good things happen in your life. Then again, it is also nice to feel like you have control over your own life and are free to make your own choices.
Later that day….
I feel like a whiny brat. I keep getting grumpy about everything. I walked out to the parking lot to make a couple of phone calls, and couldn’t find reception anywhere, which was very frustrating. I really don’t like feeling so cut off from the world. My dad just brought in my beach towels that I left hanging over the railing to dry and I was like “Why did you bring in my beach towels? I don’t have any place to hang them in here.” and he was like “They are pretty dry, and they will just get wetter with the dew.” And I was like “Fine. I guess I’ll just throw them on the floor.” But like, my dad keeps trying to be helpful and it just keeps making me grumpy. I feel like he is trying to step in and take over the male role for my family. He keeps doing stuff that he never would have done when Daniel was around. He even spoke for me during the sharing session today without asking me if I wanted to talk or not. I didn’t particularly want to talk, but that’s not the point. That stuff makes me feel like he thinks I can’t handle being the head of my household and that I need a man to do things for me. He keeps making little comments that make me think he is sexist and I never realized it. Like, we took Lydia on the water rocket for the first time today, and afterwards he was like “Lydia, you were really brave for a 6 year old girl!” I know he was just trying to be nice, but it irritated me that he threw in “girl”. Why was that necessary? So I was like “She was brave for any 6 year old, boy or girl! Lots of boys would be scared of that too.”
*sighs and grumbles*
_____________________________________
7-1-08
I prayed today. It was the first time in over a year. I did it because I care about Robin. Tonight after the evening speaker session, Dutch told us to gather in small groups and pray aloud for each other. I was caught off guard and felt rather put on the spot, but then it occurred to me that it wasn’t really a big deal as I knew all the right words to say. As Robin prayed over me, pouring out love and blessings from her heart, I was humbled. When it was my turn to pray for her, it felt slightly awkward at first, but then the words flowed more easily. It was strange, because as I prayed, I felt since of sincerity. It wasn’t that I believed that god was listening and would answer my prayer, it was that the things I was praying for Robin I genuinely want for her. It occurred to me that the purpose of this type of praying out loud is really to be an encouragement to the people around you. I felt like I could do that for Robin, and she was also an encouragement to me. It was an overall pleasant and somewhat surreal experience. I had never really considered any function of prayer outside of direct communication with god, even though I had engaged in this type of prayer of encouragement before. Interesting.
I was glad to have the opportunity to talk with Robin. I have always admired and looked up to her. She is closer to my mom’s age than mine, and has kids between the ages of 13 and 27. I was fairly close with her oldest daughter growing up. I have grown closer to Robin since I have had children of my own, my oldest not much younger than her youngest. I feel an even greater since of camaraderie with her now as she is also fairly recently a single mom. It makes me sad because I know that she and her children are very upset about the divorce. Her situation is very different than mine. Although this is not how I wanted my marriage to end up, I came to a point where I decided that a divorce was best for me and my children, so I left. I tried to make a clean break as much as possible, and have been moving forward with my life since then. I feel like my children are happier and healthier in most ways now.
Robin found out a couple of years ago that her husband had been involved in drugs and numerous affairs over the years of their marriage. They split up, but tried for a couple of years to work things out. Robin worked so hard at forgiveness, and was incredibly patient, giving him time to the changes she felt were essential to make their marriage work. Her husband Raul was broken up about losing his family, and tried to change, but in the end he was unable to break ties with his old life. Their children run the gamut from the older ones being furious with him for treating their mother and family in such a way, to the younger ones being incredibly hurt that he left them. It makes my heart sad that the situation has gone so badly for them. I hope I was able to give her a small bit of encouragement tonight.