unease
I've been doing a good job of ignoring the fact that all my friends graduated from college and have jobs right now. The ones that don't have jobs are all about to leave the country. Tonight it all hit me, and it's made me self-reflect on my current life.
In one week one of my best friends will live very far away from me. I tried to explain my fears and sadness to Bill on the phone. It's hard because I feel like Bill doesn't really get the darker side of my personality. It's not that I have a mean side, but I do feel like my past depression and problems that stemmed from the depression are not exactly light. It's a little heavy, and it weighs on people...I know it's weighed on me for 22 years. Because it's not normal to be depressed it makes people uncomfortable to talk about it. Even the close friends that live in Georgia live far away. I feel like the people who used to check in on me, and knew how to make me feel better are all disappearing. It's like all my stability is crumbling. I feel like the more furious I work at being the person I want to be, the more I seem to be falling back into my old self. I feel scared, and nervous, and sad and I don't know what to do.
In one week one of my best friends will live very far away from me. I tried to explain my fears and sadness to Bill on the phone. It's hard because I feel like Bill doesn't really get the darker side of my personality. It's not that I have a mean side, but I do feel like my past depression and problems that stemmed from the depression are not exactly light. It's a little heavy, and it weighs on people...I know it's weighed on me for 22 years. Because it's not normal to be depressed it makes people uncomfortable to talk about it. Even the close friends that live in Georgia live far away. I feel like the people who used to check in on me, and knew how to make me feel better are all disappearing. It's like all my stability is crumbling. I feel like the more furious I work at being the person I want to be, the more I seem to be falling back into my old self. I feel scared, and nervous, and sad and I don't know what to do.