(no subject)
just seconds ago, i found myself laughing with people on the food network. i was not laughing at them, i was laughing with them and at their silly joke attempts. "im never going to eat another hamburger in my life"... i laughed. not so much a laugh as a chuckle but i was nodding in a fashion that would be reassuring to the person that they had indeed made me happy inside - that their joke was a true one. the first thing i thought when i realized what i was doing is that i have to write this is my LJ because it is traumatic. the next thing as i was walking to the computer - i think i should kill myself but i dont want to. it was more of a quetion... "should i kill myself?". it was confusing. i was scared, then i sat down and things got a bit better. i think ive realized that this stuff happens and maybe it is best that i dont put this out in the open. maybe i will just make it a private entry. just then though, pirates busted into the house and hit update journal. as im doing this im thinking... i dont think pirates are cool anymore but that is the kind of stuff you talk about on the internets... and this, this is real life.