(no subject)
ive made a very big mistake and it seems to be causing many more problems than i at first anticipated. im sure there has to be a good outcome around here somewhere but i havent found it yet. every day gets worse and doesnt make much sense. it actually probably does though. i just refuse to see what is in black and white there in front of me. i always get like this and eventually things turn around for the better one way or the other. this is all that is keeping me from giving up at once. there are other things i need to be doing but i do not want to do them because they seem pointless. minutes ago, i ate a party pizza and drank some crush. earlier i ate abcs and 123s. why they do not make them with meatballs anymore, i do not know. i dont really enjoy the meatballs but the sauce was different and much much better than the cheese sause of the kind without meatballs. i also drank crush with that. i went outside into the rain and found a dead bird which is sitting in the kitchen. it may have the possibility of waking up so i am keeping it dry. i really need to go somewhere. but there is nowhere to go. im very tired of just sitting here. if i do go though, what if i find out it is the wrong place? when i go what will i do if i find there is another place i need to be at? i do not have the ability to make this something i can do any time i wish. i have one shot and i have to make it count but it is very paralyzing so, in place of making a decision, i do nothing at all and hope things will fall into place themselves. that is what i always do. i have never set anything into motion myself. it always seems to work out though. not always for the best but for good. i think i may have been pushing my luck for far too long though. i seriously think i am screwed. i found two 2L fantas at walmart and was amazed. i bought them yet this does not improve my life situation like i thought it would. the 2L version of fanta seems to be an almost lost memory of its small bottled self. it does not seem to perform as well. i can not make much of a difference in taste from it and crush.
i prefer the fanta bottle so i would always buy it but im disappointed. something that would seem like it could bring so much joy to my life is actually the thing that is making it worse. if i never decided to go for it in the first place i would be here, happier. i would dream of it and finding it, yeah, but i went in blindly. it seemed so good from the first little bit. small amounts at a time. when the chance popped up and i seemed to be FINALLY getting what id been looking for, i went right for it without even the idea it could turn out bad. without and idea that it would plague my days and haunt my dreams. of course, there are things i love in it. it still does taste good but... its just not what i thought it would be. the puzzle pieces seemed to go so well together but me and fanta just dont seem to be right. something is off. im sure its on my part because other people are perfectly fine with the beverage. i dont know. im just stuck with fanta in my refrigerator right now. maybe it will grow on me and some type of middle ground can be formed. im still hopeful really. it just seems like it wont work. livewire is still somewhere out there. i thought it was gone but ive heard it isnt. livewire is somewhere...out there...still. will it happen in the summer? i guess i will have to wait. maybe fanta isnt so different from livewire. im just imagining it wrong or not giving it enough of a chance. in any case, i will have to go through with this. i sure do hope things get better. days seem to be getting faster and the nights are dead still because there is nothing to do. time seems to be in a loop where nothing ever really happens and im always back to where i started months ago - years ago now.
i prefer the fanta bottle so i would always buy it but im disappointed. something that would seem like it could bring so much joy to my life is actually the thing that is making it worse. if i never decided to go for it in the first place i would be here, happier. i would dream of it and finding it, yeah, but i went in blindly. it seemed so good from the first little bit. small amounts at a time. when the chance popped up and i seemed to be FINALLY getting what id been looking for, i went right for it without even the idea it could turn out bad. without and idea that it would plague my days and haunt my dreams. of course, there are things i love in it. it still does taste good but... its just not what i thought it would be. the puzzle pieces seemed to go so well together but me and fanta just dont seem to be right. something is off. im sure its on my part because other people are perfectly fine with the beverage. i dont know. im just stuck with fanta in my refrigerator right now. maybe it will grow on me and some type of middle ground can be formed. im still hopeful really. it just seems like it wont work. livewire is still somewhere out there. i thought it was gone but ive heard it isnt. livewire is somewhere...out there...still. will it happen in the summer? i guess i will have to wait. maybe fanta isnt so different from livewire. im just imagining it wrong or not giving it enough of a chance. in any case, i will have to go through with this. i sure do hope things get better. days seem to be getting faster and the nights are dead still because there is nothing to do. time seems to be in a loop where nothing ever really happens and im always back to where i started months ago - years ago now.