The zero hour
I wish that my journal, my life, my energy weren’t so consumed with all this, especially at a time when so much else is going. It’s funny because if someone had told me back when that I would have all this going on I would have sworn they were just plain stupid to think I could even be a part of such a chaotic and unhealthy situation but here I am nonetheless dead smack in the middle wondering when I spiraled down the rabbit hole.
So I have been trying, trying to somehow get through. To somehow make clear what I know to be true and what I know has to change but as usual my efforts are in vain and my patience thin. I know that people will think I’m just being a bitch but sometimes that’s what a woman has to be. Sometimes you have to put your foot down. This for me is one of those times and if I’m honest with myself I should have stamped out this problem long ago rather than letting things fester trying to be nice and diplomatic.
Still even after all that has been said and the unsaid things that resonate even louder, I wish it didn’t have to be. I wish that things could just flow and that the same dedication I’ve had was shared but it isn’t and if I am again honest with my self I know in my heart that chances are it never will be. God is the only one that can make something good come of all this and incidentally He doesn’t need my help. I have to sit back now in silence and let the mud that will surely be slung fly freely and duck when it gets too close. I have to stop, let go, and let God like I should have done all along.
You know as much as I know I am going to be criticized for this I know that at least for the time being I am making a right and sound decision. Why should anyone else have to suffer and risk falling victim to a generational curse all because you are too apathetic and self absorbed to get real with your self and admit that the odor rising from your shit is foul and not some sort of fucking perfume? I am simply not going to let this shit further alter the course of our lives and I am damn sure not raising my son to be a self-obsessed, womanizing, dead beat trying to live off of me and whoever else will let him. I know men like that and you what, most of them are that way partially due to the fact that somewhere along the way someone demonstrated to them that it was an acceptable way to live and be.
This is going to be really hard, and I am not sure how long it will be necessary but I am going to pray that God will instruct me and that while I am doing what is necessary for me and mine He works the rest out so that such drastic measures aren’t necessary down the road. Hopefully, in I will learn whatever it is that all this strife and all this heartache were supposed to teach me.