Dear Alcohol
Dear Alcohol,
First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a HUGE fan of yours, As my
friend, you always seem to be there when needed.
The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game and you're even
around at the holidays (hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when
we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings).
However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want
to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your
influence has led to some unwise consequences:
1. Phone Calls/Text Messages: While I agree with you that communication
is important. I question the suggestion that conversation after 2 a.m.
can have much substance or necessity. Why would you make me call my
ex's? Especially when I know, for a fact, they DO NOT want to hear from
me during the day, let alone all hours of the night.
2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal. But why do you suggest
that I eat a taco with chili sauce along with a big Italian meatball
and some stale chips (washed down with wine & topped off with a Kit Kat
AFTER a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I'm an eclectic eater
but, I think you went too far this time.
3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do
more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer this issue
home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the
black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are
beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to
get the front door key into the lock.
4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop! This is getting
ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's
debauchery may be in order. But, the 3 p.m. hangover immobility is
completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that if the proper
precautions are taken (water, vitamin B , bread products, aspirin) prior
to going to sleep/passing out (face down on the kitchen floor with a bag
of cheetos or wherever). The hangover should be minimal and in no way
interfere with my daily activities.
Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now and would
like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of
great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed
companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my
pockets.
In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review
my grievances above and address them immediately. I will look for an
answer no later than Friday 3 p.m.(pre happy hour) on your possible
solutions. And hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.
Thank you,
Your Biggest Fan
P. S.
Please take a moment or two and note the following items below that I
think may be of some interest to you.
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. British Constitution
3. Passive-Aggressive Disorder
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN
DRUNK:
1. Thanks but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more beer for me.
3. Sorry but you're not really my type.
4. Good evening, officer. Would you like a soft taco?
5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.
What are all you fabulous people's plans for tonight?!
I am on the fence. My friend Amy is having a New Year's party again this year. I had SO MUCH FUN at the one she threw last year. But this year? Yeah. I am kind of not feeling it. I would almost rather just get a really good night's sleep. Me=old.