Death
All in all it wasn't a bad funeral. I was nervous but no attacks. I spent most of the time rubbing the scars on my arms trying to imagine my family standing in that cold room crying over me and fighting over who gets to take which flower arrangement home. Now that I've been thinking about it I would rather die and have no one find my body. That way no one will be kissing my cold, hard, make-up caked cheeks and there will be no grave site to go visit..
Speaking of visiting graves, I stopped at my grandmothers today. My mother asked me to take some flowers she got from the other dead guys family and put them on her headstone. I haven't been to see my grandmother in so long. But it was comforting to go. I always feel at ease when Im sitting on top of where she is buried. I never talk out loud, I just sit there and think. But today while I was there I pulled up my sleeves, rubbed the scars and just went blank. Maybe that was a good thing, I think to much anyway. Thinking is what usually puts me in the messes Im always in. It was nice being there today, to get away from all of the confusion and sadness I've been dealing with for weeks now. I wish I could have stayed all day, maybe even camped out. But the cramps kicked in. My que to leave.
I dont like mentioning names on here, simply because word spreads to fast. But I miss the person I was seeing. We weren't together long, but it was such an intense relationship. It just blind sided the both of us and even though she broke it off I am somewhat relieved. If we were still together I would be stressing over our future or when it would end. And thats just as bad as what Im dealing with now. She is my best friend,and I miss her so much. I havent seen her in almost a week now and barely speak to her. I am glad she is living her life and having a good time. She deserves that. She is an amazing person, despite what she may think about herself. I just wish I could spend more time with her. I guess to prove to her that I am capable of being 'just friends'. If your reading this, know that I miss you, and love you, and I want you to be happy.
The shit that is running through my head and the things I have done to myself the past few weeks really have nothing to do with her. The break up just set off a bomb. Everything I was holding inside just came out all at once and I think she blames herself. But it's not because of her. Did you hear me? It is not because of you. Don't think you have to avoid me in order to not cause me pain, because your not the source of the pain. If anything you help. The text messages and the few phone calls help put me at ease. Please dont think you have to run away.
Anyway, the cycle continues. The story of my life. I go through a breakup and then all the ex's come back. There are three this time. No names, but three people I talk to everyday. Its all kind of funny. I hardly ever date new people, just keep getting back together with the old ones. I wonder which of the three it will be this time.
Speaking of visiting graves, I stopped at my grandmothers today. My mother asked me to take some flowers she got from the other dead guys family and put them on her headstone. I haven't been to see my grandmother in so long. But it was comforting to go. I always feel at ease when Im sitting on top of where she is buried. I never talk out loud, I just sit there and think. But today while I was there I pulled up my sleeves, rubbed the scars and just went blank. Maybe that was a good thing, I think to much anyway. Thinking is what usually puts me in the messes Im always in. It was nice being there today, to get away from all of the confusion and sadness I've been dealing with for weeks now. I wish I could have stayed all day, maybe even camped out. But the cramps kicked in. My que to leave.
I dont like mentioning names on here, simply because word spreads to fast. But I miss the person I was seeing. We weren't together long, but it was such an intense relationship. It just blind sided the both of us and even though she broke it off I am somewhat relieved. If we were still together I would be stressing over our future or when it would end. And thats just as bad as what Im dealing with now. She is my best friend,and I miss her so much. I havent seen her in almost a week now and barely speak to her. I am glad she is living her life and having a good time. She deserves that. She is an amazing person, despite what she may think about herself. I just wish I could spend more time with her. I guess to prove to her that I am capable of being 'just friends'. If your reading this, know that I miss you, and love you, and I want you to be happy.
The shit that is running through my head and the things I have done to myself the past few weeks really have nothing to do with her. The break up just set off a bomb. Everything I was holding inside just came out all at once and I think she blames herself. But it's not because of her. Did you hear me? It is not because of you. Don't think you have to avoid me in order to not cause me pain, because your not the source of the pain. If anything you help. The text messages and the few phone calls help put me at ease. Please dont think you have to run away.
Anyway, the cycle continues. The story of my life. I go through a breakup and then all the ex's come back. There are three this time. No names, but three people I talk to everyday. Its all kind of funny. I hardly ever date new people, just keep getting back together with the old ones. I wonder which of the three it will be this time.