(no subject)
Title: Profiler, Profiled: The Aftermath
Part 12
Summary: Morgan is struggling after the Buford case. He doesnt react well to finding out Reid and Hotch are a couple.
Warnings: mature content, violence, slash
A/N: Thanks everybody for reviewing and for your kinds words. This is the last chapter, but there will be an epilogue. I dont know when I will get around to writing that since I wont have my laptop until mid august starting wednesday. I might just make it though.
This isnt a story with a happy ending and it´s really not very kind to Morgan. I would just ask that you read the chapter properly before you cuss me out. Thank you.
The song is called Fine again by Seether.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
l
*It seems like every day's the same
and I'm left to discover on my own.
They say it's over and I'm fine again,
Try to stay sober feels like I'm dying here
And I am aware now of how
everything's gonna be fine one day
Too late, I'm in hell*
l
It´s just too much.
Much too much and yet much too little.
Before he knows what he is doing, Morgan has pulled Reid to him, pressing their mouths together hard and desperate.
He simply can't listen to Reid talk anymore, and he can´t listen to himself think anymore. He just needs for this pain to stop -but it seems that no matter what he does, even as he tries to numb it with alcohol and pretty lies, it just grows, eating at his insides like live fire.
He presses his eyes shut, focusing on nothing but the taste of Reid´s lips, the feel of his warm skin underneath his fingertips. It feels incredible and horrifying at the same time in its familiarity, causing him to break out in sweat, his hands trembling as he holds on to Reid´s face tightly.
He has never kissed another man before.
He has never wanted to kiss another man until Reid. Until Reid came along with his gentle eyes and fluttering hands, drawing him in maybe because he was so entirely non threatening, or maybe because he knew he would never act upon his longing.
Never did he plan to actually do something like this, especially not the way he is doing it now, but all this talk of Hotch and Buford and love and pain is pulling the rug out from under his feet, making it impossible to stay calm.
Anger is still coursing through him, sustaining him, but he tries to calm down, to hold on tightly to the idea that he can still fix all this. He can fix himself and he can fix Reid in one go.
Exactly. If he can't stop feeling this way then his best shot at salvation is someone like Reid, pure and good and innocent. Reid wouldn't hurt him. He is the one thing that he is still holding out for, holding on to.
It can work. He just has to forget everything Reid said about Hotch, or much better make Reid forget about Hotch, about all the darkness he came from. Together they can both stand in the light again.
Almost, almost does the pain lurking underneath subside then, almost, until Reid tenses against him, pulling away. Delicate hands come up to push at Morgan's chest and face, rushed words falling from his lips.
"No, Morgan…stop," he looks up at Morgan with nothing less than honest pain in his eyes as he shakes his head, tears in his eyes, "I'm sorry. I can't…I can't be that person for you."
Morgan all but cringes at those words. He didn't think he could hurt any more that he already is. Apparently rejection does the trick though.
More pain, along with open regret reflected in Reid´s large hazel eyes when he sees Morgan's devastation taking form at his words. Long, slender fingers grasp at his shoulders, comforting as well as in need of the same.
Reid bites his lip when Morgan's grip around his arms tightens, both of them barely keeping in control. Shaking his head almost desperately, Morgan leans in again, only to have Reid recoil instantly this time, hands coming up to keep them at a distance.
"I'm sorry," he repeats quietly, voice cracking, "I want to be your friend, I want to help you…But I love Aaron. It´s always going to be Aaron."
He looks up at Morgan almost apologetically, willing him to understand.
Morgan presses his eyes shut tightly as an iron fist closes around his heart, pressing the air out of his lungs. He can´t believe this is happening. Can't believe Reid would push him away like that. Doesn't he realize what that will do to him, how deep he will fall with nothing left to hold on to?
He feels another unwelcome flash of resentment coursing through his veins, eating away at his reason. How can he be standing there, talking about being his friend while at the same time letting him down, turning away from him in every way possible only to go back to a man like Hotch?
"Why?" he finds himself snarling, ignoring the way Reid flinches at this sudden change in tone.
He pulls back, letting his anger push away the agony. It´s disturbing even to him how easily his temper has changed, how he has seen Reid as something akin to an angel just seconds ago when he is now easily the sole target of his rage.
"What does it even matter who you're with?" he bites out hurtfully, "You're obviously not out for love. You're just looking for someone to take control from you, to have their way with you! What the hell do you need Hotch for?"
The words come out of nowhere and he ends up yelling once more by the end of them, suddenly just as angry as he was just five minutes ago. He pushs Reid against the wall again roughly, getting a strange sense of satisfaction out of the way the younger man whimpers in pain, tensing in his grip.
Why should he be the only one hurting?
If Reid wants to be treated like shit, if he thinks that is a desirable option, well then Morgan will bloody well make sure he gets a lesson he´ll never forget. Be it with words or actions.
Without thinking any further he grabs Reid´s hair, pulling at it forcefully until they are facing each other. Reid´s eyes flash with pain and something akin to fear as he claws at his arms, hissing at him to let go. Morgan ignores him.
"You think it's fun being used and abused, helpless to stop him from whatever it is he's doing to you? That what you want?" he snaps, right in Reid´s face, "IS IT!"
Reid cringes as Morgan yells to his face, forcing him to keep eye contact. He looks truly scared now. Good, Morgan thinks grimly, at least he is bringing his point across. It doesn't make him any less furious.
He moves in closer, practically crushing Reid against the wall. With ease, he grabs the bony arm trying to push him off by the wrist, slamming it against the wall next to Reid´s head. Reid's breath hitches, truly panicked now.
"Morgan, no," he gasps, chest heaving frantically as he squirms against the bigger man, "I never…ah, let go, you're hurting me!"
It´s obvious he is telling the truth but Morgan finds he can't just stop. He has to finish this, one way or the other. Reid didn't want a happy ending - now he´s getting all that is left.
"Of course I'm hurting you!" he hisses into the young man's ear, "Why wouldn't I? Because you're telling me not to? Who says you've got a say here?"
With one rash, spontaneous movement he spins them both around, sending Reid toppling to the ground before he can think to catch himself. He´s straddling him, pinning him to the ground before the other can so much as orientate himself.
Reid stares at him out of disbelieving, horrified eyes as he attempts to scoot away, only to have Morgan grab him again and drag him back forcefully.
Pain is the only thing Morgan can seem to perceive at that moment, even as he is aware that it is blocking out rational thought. He gladly lets all the built up rage and suffering he has tried to seal for so long finally flow freely, adrenaline pumping through his veins as he wrestles Reid down with practiced ease, forcing the slighter man to still.
With both of them so close, breathing heavily, the brief notion that he wanted for them to end up this close at some point- though in a whole different way- briefly flashed across his mind. He pushes it away as the image of Carl Buford bleeds into the picture, tuning his stomach.
As it is, he can't even focus on his personal feelings fro Reid at the moment. All he can see is Buford now, feel his hands, burning shame into his skin permanently, his voice viciously hissing into his ear. And Reid not seeing that, just pouring oil into his wounds.
"Who says I care how you feel as long as I get what I want from you?" he growls, gripping the front of Reid's shirt to haul him up as he got in his face again, "Who says I´ll even bat an eyelash at your cries and pleas?"
The fabric beneath his hands rips in two as Reid pushes against him, struggling against his hold, but he doesn't care.
The scenes he is seeing before his eyes are so real in his mind by now, more palpable than they have been in decades, like it all just happened yesterday, like he never moved on at all. Like all his pain and efforts have been for nothing.
All because they had to come along and remind him.
He hauls Reid's lithe frame up again, this time flipping him around, pressing him to the floor face first. Pinning his arms behind his back comes with practiced ease.
If only everything were as easy to fight and defeat.
Reid cries out in pain, his hair falling messily into his face as he writhes in Morgan's grip, unable to move.
Morgan grits his teeth as his throat closes up, his insides burning as they struggle.
He was such an idiot for even thinking the past was dead. No, it is still very much alive in every one of his actions and thoughts. He has but to close his eyes to see Buford in front of him, to recall each and every one of their encounters. Every exact wording of every threat and taunt.
"I've got you right here, no one to help…even if they knew, because you didn't say no, you never pushed me away!" he finds he can barely speak, unwelcome tears coming out of nowhere and stealing his voice, "They'll all say it was your own fault. You knew what you were getting into! You have no right to cry foul!"
God, he thought he´d gotten past this. Now he realizes that he couldn't have. He lets out a growl, dangerously close to a sob.
Why, why, why does this have to be his life? Why couldn't he just be happy and whole and at peace with himself the way other people are?
He doesn't realize he has fallen silent, retreated into his own mind until he becomes aware that there is another voice, faint but definitely there, coming through the fog and distracting him from Buford for just long enough.
He blinks through his tears, staring at the person trapped beneath him. Reid looks like he is about to hyperventilate, eyes pressed shut and cheeks wet as choked pleas keep spilling from his lips; he is shaking so badly that Morgan can feel it in his arms and legs.
Morgan freezes, cold dread hitting him as he takes in the younger man´s expression.
What is he doing?
He just got so terribly mad, Reid made him so mad, he needed to show him what it was they were talking about. But looking down at his friend now he realizes he has gone much too far, has made him fear that-
Morgan can't help but gag as the imagery of what comes to his mind just then infiltrates his brain. This isn't only about him, he isn't venting his anger on a lifeless doll here. No, not at all. This was his best friend, his loved-
He shudders violently, frozen in position as he stares down at Reid´s flushed face and torn shirt.
What the hell was he thinking? That this would somehow help Reid see clearer?
He lets go of Reid´s twisted arm like he´s been burned, taking a shuddering breath as he tries to keep from hyperventilating. No, no, no… this isn't him, this can't be happening!
No matter how mad Reid made him, no matter if he is right - he is one of the good guys, he doesn't victimize people. He is the victim. Isn't he?
He barely feels Reid shift underneath him, trying to catch his breath while at the same time making himself as small as possible, cringing from their proximity. He feels wide, haunted eyes zeroing in on his face and instinctively reaches out to touch the other´s shoulder, calming, seeking forgiveness maybe.
Reid shrinks back, wide eyed, and Morgan pulls back quickly and hides his wet face in shame, curling in on himself.
Broken.
All of it.
Everything is in shambles now, the last good aspects of his life shattered by his own hands. What has become of him? How is Reid supposed to ever forgive him for this? How is he supposed to forgive himself?
He opens his mouth, trying to find the words to say he is sorry, but never gets the chance to.
They both flinch when suddenly there is a loud thud and a splintering noise, informing them that the front door has just been kicked down.
Seconds later, Aaron Hotchner is standing in the door frame, his shocked expression quickly morphing into one of undisguised rage as he takes in the situation. Before either of them can move or say anything Hotch has stormed into the room, all but tackling Morgan to the ground to get him off Reid.
His fists are flying into Morgan´s face, leaving him bloody before Hotch has even uttered the first curse at him.
"How dare you touch him!" his boss hisses, beyond himself in his fury as he keeps on hitting him, "Fucking hypocrite! You were his friend, he trusted you!"
Morgan lets the words wash over him, not fighting back even if he still wants nothing more than to hurt Aaron Hotchner for what he is. At the moment though, he is a welcome source of penance for his own sins.
What separates them now? Nothing. They are the same. Both of them are monsters.
He lets his tears mingle with the blood on his face, barely aware that Reid has scrambled to his knees at some point, his voice shrill over Hotch´s yelling.
"Hotch, stop!" Even with his eyes closed to slits, Morgan can see Reid clinging to Hotch´s arm, trying to keep him from delivering any more blows. He is still crying, hands shaking badly, but he doesn't let go, "Aaron! Please, stop!"
It seems like a small eternity before the words even seem to register with Hotch. Finally though, he lets up, eyes clearing from the rage that clouded them.
The unit chief turns to gather a shaking Reid into his arms, pulling both of them to a safe distance before he cradles him to his chest, carefully checking his condition. Reid lets himself sink into his lover´s embrace without hesitance, taking what feels like the first real breath in an eternity as he lets Hotch caress his face and press kisses to his hair.
Morgan, after pushing himself up on his elbows, can't help but stare at them in their embrace. His breath catches at the pure fear and pain that he sees reflected in Hotch eyes, combined with the shaking of his entire body showing how upset he is. Morgan seems all but forgotten as he holds Reid close, caressing his face over and over with bloody, unsteady fingers.
"God, I´m so sorry, Spencer.", he whispers, guilt heavy in his voice, "I should have never let you…I didn't think he would…"
Morgan blinks, thinking he has to adjust his vision. Nothing changes though. He doesn't think he has ever seen Hotch this besides himself, except for maybe back when Hankel…
And just like that the last puzzle piece falls into place, and he realizes that what he is seeing is nothing other than love. His heart sinks into the pit of his stomach.
They aren't even the same.
He still doesn't want to believe it even now, not after the lenghty fight he just had about it. But it is plain in his boss´ eyes.
Love.
Reid is clinging to Hotch like his life is depending on it, looking scarily like he did after said case, shaken to the bone.
"He didn't," he whispers, fingers digging into the man´s messed up suit like he is trying to prevent him from moving again, "I´m fine, Aaron. It´s okay."
His gaze briefly flickers over to meet Morgan's, and he thinks he sees understanding somewhere under all the fractured glass gleaming out of Reid´s face. Even now. Or maybe especially now.
What he doesn't see is forgiveness.
The moment is over within two seconds and Reid buries his face in Hotch´s neck like he can't stand to look at Morgan anymore.
That is when he knows he has to get out.
He has to leave. There is nothing left here for him, on any level. Reid was the last part of his life that wasn't broken yet, and yet has managed to destroy even that.
He pushes himself up on shaking legs, head spinning as he walks over to the door. He halts when Hotch makes to get up to stop him, to arrest him maybe, hatred clear in his eyes.
But Reid grasps onto him all the more tightly, shaking his head, "No, don't. He wasn´t going to…please, Aaron."
Hotch wavers as he looks down at the young man in his arms, and the pain is back, clearly distracting him from everything else. Morgan doesn't know why he is even still standing there by the time Hotch looks up again, barely contained as he hisses,
"Get out of my sight, Morgan. I will see to it that you never set foot in the BAU again. And if you ever even come within seeing distance of Spencer again, I will make sure it was the last time."
Morgan doesn't answer, sure that he means every word. He's almost glad for it.
Reid doesn't look up again, doesn't even acknowledge him as he walks past them.
After another moment of trying to find the right words to say but coming up blank, Morgan finally turns around, fleeing from his own apartment.
He doesn't know where he is headed as he walks away into the night, doesn't know if he will be coming back to this place. He knows though that if he does, there won't be anyone waiting for him unless it's the cops waiting to arrest him.
It doesn't matter in the end. He is not going to run, simply because he has nowhere left to run to, not even his own mind. Penance will find him wherever he goes.
l
*I feel the dream in me expire
and there's no one left to blame it on
I hear you label me a liar
'cause I can't seem to get this through
And I'm not scared now
I must assure you you're never gonna get away
Seems everyone's gonna be fine
One day too late, just as well*
l
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*cringes*
I would just like to point out that I dont think every victim of abuse ends up acting like this. It´s just one scenario I made up. Obviously Morgan wont forgive himself for a long time after this, but I think that is reall ywhat shows that he isnt like Buford.
Just so we´re clear he wasnt going to go any furhter, he just kind of had an episode or something, and what he said were repetitions of what Buford said to him. Hotch and Reid had to assume the worst with how it looked of course, but I would say Reid at least realized what was going on by the end, that´s why he told Hoch to let Morgan go. It´s still a very destructive and traumatizing experience though so I didnt see a way to let this end any more happy. Maybe the epilogue will provide some closure.
Thanks for reading everybody.
Part 12
Summary: Morgan is struggling after the Buford case. He doesnt react well to finding out Reid and Hotch are a couple.
Warnings: mature content, violence, slash
A/N: Thanks everybody for reviewing and for your kinds words. This is the last chapter, but there will be an epilogue. I dont know when I will get around to writing that since I wont have my laptop until mid august starting wednesday. I might just make it though.
This isnt a story with a happy ending and it´s really not very kind to Morgan. I would just ask that you read the chapter properly before you cuss me out. Thank you.
The song is called Fine again by Seether.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
l
*It seems like every day's the same
and I'm left to discover on my own.
They say it's over and I'm fine again,
Try to stay sober feels like I'm dying here
And I am aware now of how
everything's gonna be fine one day
Too late, I'm in hell*
l
It´s just too much.
Much too much and yet much too little.
Before he knows what he is doing, Morgan has pulled Reid to him, pressing their mouths together hard and desperate.
He simply can't listen to Reid talk anymore, and he can´t listen to himself think anymore. He just needs for this pain to stop -but it seems that no matter what he does, even as he tries to numb it with alcohol and pretty lies, it just grows, eating at his insides like live fire.
He presses his eyes shut, focusing on nothing but the taste of Reid´s lips, the feel of his warm skin underneath his fingertips. It feels incredible and horrifying at the same time in its familiarity, causing him to break out in sweat, his hands trembling as he holds on to Reid´s face tightly.
He has never kissed another man before.
He has never wanted to kiss another man until Reid. Until Reid came along with his gentle eyes and fluttering hands, drawing him in maybe because he was so entirely non threatening, or maybe because he knew he would never act upon his longing.
Never did he plan to actually do something like this, especially not the way he is doing it now, but all this talk of Hotch and Buford and love and pain is pulling the rug out from under his feet, making it impossible to stay calm.
Anger is still coursing through him, sustaining him, but he tries to calm down, to hold on tightly to the idea that he can still fix all this. He can fix himself and he can fix Reid in one go.
Exactly. If he can't stop feeling this way then his best shot at salvation is someone like Reid, pure and good and innocent. Reid wouldn't hurt him. He is the one thing that he is still holding out for, holding on to.
It can work. He just has to forget everything Reid said about Hotch, or much better make Reid forget about Hotch, about all the darkness he came from. Together they can both stand in the light again.
Almost, almost does the pain lurking underneath subside then, almost, until Reid tenses against him, pulling away. Delicate hands come up to push at Morgan's chest and face, rushed words falling from his lips.
"No, Morgan…stop," he looks up at Morgan with nothing less than honest pain in his eyes as he shakes his head, tears in his eyes, "I'm sorry. I can't…I can't be that person for you."
Morgan all but cringes at those words. He didn't think he could hurt any more that he already is. Apparently rejection does the trick though.
More pain, along with open regret reflected in Reid´s large hazel eyes when he sees Morgan's devastation taking form at his words. Long, slender fingers grasp at his shoulders, comforting as well as in need of the same.
Reid bites his lip when Morgan's grip around his arms tightens, both of them barely keeping in control. Shaking his head almost desperately, Morgan leans in again, only to have Reid recoil instantly this time, hands coming up to keep them at a distance.
"I'm sorry," he repeats quietly, voice cracking, "I want to be your friend, I want to help you…But I love Aaron. It´s always going to be Aaron."
He looks up at Morgan almost apologetically, willing him to understand.
Morgan presses his eyes shut tightly as an iron fist closes around his heart, pressing the air out of his lungs. He can´t believe this is happening. Can't believe Reid would push him away like that. Doesn't he realize what that will do to him, how deep he will fall with nothing left to hold on to?
He feels another unwelcome flash of resentment coursing through his veins, eating away at his reason. How can he be standing there, talking about being his friend while at the same time letting him down, turning away from him in every way possible only to go back to a man like Hotch?
"Why?" he finds himself snarling, ignoring the way Reid flinches at this sudden change in tone.
He pulls back, letting his anger push away the agony. It´s disturbing even to him how easily his temper has changed, how he has seen Reid as something akin to an angel just seconds ago when he is now easily the sole target of his rage.
"What does it even matter who you're with?" he bites out hurtfully, "You're obviously not out for love. You're just looking for someone to take control from you, to have their way with you! What the hell do you need Hotch for?"
The words come out of nowhere and he ends up yelling once more by the end of them, suddenly just as angry as he was just five minutes ago. He pushs Reid against the wall again roughly, getting a strange sense of satisfaction out of the way the younger man whimpers in pain, tensing in his grip.
Why should he be the only one hurting?
If Reid wants to be treated like shit, if he thinks that is a desirable option, well then Morgan will bloody well make sure he gets a lesson he´ll never forget. Be it with words or actions.
Without thinking any further he grabs Reid´s hair, pulling at it forcefully until they are facing each other. Reid´s eyes flash with pain and something akin to fear as he claws at his arms, hissing at him to let go. Morgan ignores him.
"You think it's fun being used and abused, helpless to stop him from whatever it is he's doing to you? That what you want?" he snaps, right in Reid´s face, "IS IT!"
Reid cringes as Morgan yells to his face, forcing him to keep eye contact. He looks truly scared now. Good, Morgan thinks grimly, at least he is bringing his point across. It doesn't make him any less furious.
He moves in closer, practically crushing Reid against the wall. With ease, he grabs the bony arm trying to push him off by the wrist, slamming it against the wall next to Reid´s head. Reid's breath hitches, truly panicked now.
"Morgan, no," he gasps, chest heaving frantically as he squirms against the bigger man, "I never…ah, let go, you're hurting me!"
It´s obvious he is telling the truth but Morgan finds he can't just stop. He has to finish this, one way or the other. Reid didn't want a happy ending - now he´s getting all that is left.
"Of course I'm hurting you!" he hisses into the young man's ear, "Why wouldn't I? Because you're telling me not to? Who says you've got a say here?"
With one rash, spontaneous movement he spins them both around, sending Reid toppling to the ground before he can think to catch himself. He´s straddling him, pinning him to the ground before the other can so much as orientate himself.
Reid stares at him out of disbelieving, horrified eyes as he attempts to scoot away, only to have Morgan grab him again and drag him back forcefully.
Pain is the only thing Morgan can seem to perceive at that moment, even as he is aware that it is blocking out rational thought. He gladly lets all the built up rage and suffering he has tried to seal for so long finally flow freely, adrenaline pumping through his veins as he wrestles Reid down with practiced ease, forcing the slighter man to still.
With both of them so close, breathing heavily, the brief notion that he wanted for them to end up this close at some point- though in a whole different way- briefly flashed across his mind. He pushes it away as the image of Carl Buford bleeds into the picture, tuning his stomach.
As it is, he can't even focus on his personal feelings fro Reid at the moment. All he can see is Buford now, feel his hands, burning shame into his skin permanently, his voice viciously hissing into his ear. And Reid not seeing that, just pouring oil into his wounds.
"Who says I care how you feel as long as I get what I want from you?" he growls, gripping the front of Reid's shirt to haul him up as he got in his face again, "Who says I´ll even bat an eyelash at your cries and pleas?"
The fabric beneath his hands rips in two as Reid pushes against him, struggling against his hold, but he doesn't care.
The scenes he is seeing before his eyes are so real in his mind by now, more palpable than they have been in decades, like it all just happened yesterday, like he never moved on at all. Like all his pain and efforts have been for nothing.
All because they had to come along and remind him.
He hauls Reid's lithe frame up again, this time flipping him around, pressing him to the floor face first. Pinning his arms behind his back comes with practiced ease.
If only everything were as easy to fight and defeat.
Reid cries out in pain, his hair falling messily into his face as he writhes in Morgan's grip, unable to move.
Morgan grits his teeth as his throat closes up, his insides burning as they struggle.
He was such an idiot for even thinking the past was dead. No, it is still very much alive in every one of his actions and thoughts. He has but to close his eyes to see Buford in front of him, to recall each and every one of their encounters. Every exact wording of every threat and taunt.
"I've got you right here, no one to help…even if they knew, because you didn't say no, you never pushed me away!" he finds he can barely speak, unwelcome tears coming out of nowhere and stealing his voice, "They'll all say it was your own fault. You knew what you were getting into! You have no right to cry foul!"
God, he thought he´d gotten past this. Now he realizes that he couldn't have. He lets out a growl, dangerously close to a sob.
Why, why, why does this have to be his life? Why couldn't he just be happy and whole and at peace with himself the way other people are?
He doesn't realize he has fallen silent, retreated into his own mind until he becomes aware that there is another voice, faint but definitely there, coming through the fog and distracting him from Buford for just long enough.
He blinks through his tears, staring at the person trapped beneath him. Reid looks like he is about to hyperventilate, eyes pressed shut and cheeks wet as choked pleas keep spilling from his lips; he is shaking so badly that Morgan can feel it in his arms and legs.
Morgan freezes, cold dread hitting him as he takes in the younger man´s expression.
What is he doing?
He just got so terribly mad, Reid made him so mad, he needed to show him what it was they were talking about. But looking down at his friend now he realizes he has gone much too far, has made him fear that-
Morgan can't help but gag as the imagery of what comes to his mind just then infiltrates his brain. This isn't only about him, he isn't venting his anger on a lifeless doll here. No, not at all. This was his best friend, his loved-
He shudders violently, frozen in position as he stares down at Reid´s flushed face and torn shirt.
What the hell was he thinking? That this would somehow help Reid see clearer?
He lets go of Reid´s twisted arm like he´s been burned, taking a shuddering breath as he tries to keep from hyperventilating. No, no, no… this isn't him, this can't be happening!
No matter how mad Reid made him, no matter if he is right - he is one of the good guys, he doesn't victimize people. He is the victim. Isn't he?
He barely feels Reid shift underneath him, trying to catch his breath while at the same time making himself as small as possible, cringing from their proximity. He feels wide, haunted eyes zeroing in on his face and instinctively reaches out to touch the other´s shoulder, calming, seeking forgiveness maybe.
Reid shrinks back, wide eyed, and Morgan pulls back quickly and hides his wet face in shame, curling in on himself.
Broken.
All of it.
Everything is in shambles now, the last good aspects of his life shattered by his own hands. What has become of him? How is Reid supposed to ever forgive him for this? How is he supposed to forgive himself?
He opens his mouth, trying to find the words to say he is sorry, but never gets the chance to.
They both flinch when suddenly there is a loud thud and a splintering noise, informing them that the front door has just been kicked down.
Seconds later, Aaron Hotchner is standing in the door frame, his shocked expression quickly morphing into one of undisguised rage as he takes in the situation. Before either of them can move or say anything Hotch has stormed into the room, all but tackling Morgan to the ground to get him off Reid.
His fists are flying into Morgan´s face, leaving him bloody before Hotch has even uttered the first curse at him.
"How dare you touch him!" his boss hisses, beyond himself in his fury as he keeps on hitting him, "Fucking hypocrite! You were his friend, he trusted you!"
Morgan lets the words wash over him, not fighting back even if he still wants nothing more than to hurt Aaron Hotchner for what he is. At the moment though, he is a welcome source of penance for his own sins.
What separates them now? Nothing. They are the same. Both of them are monsters.
He lets his tears mingle with the blood on his face, barely aware that Reid has scrambled to his knees at some point, his voice shrill over Hotch´s yelling.
"Hotch, stop!" Even with his eyes closed to slits, Morgan can see Reid clinging to Hotch´s arm, trying to keep him from delivering any more blows. He is still crying, hands shaking badly, but he doesn't let go, "Aaron! Please, stop!"
It seems like a small eternity before the words even seem to register with Hotch. Finally though, he lets up, eyes clearing from the rage that clouded them.
The unit chief turns to gather a shaking Reid into his arms, pulling both of them to a safe distance before he cradles him to his chest, carefully checking his condition. Reid lets himself sink into his lover´s embrace without hesitance, taking what feels like the first real breath in an eternity as he lets Hotch caress his face and press kisses to his hair.
Morgan, after pushing himself up on his elbows, can't help but stare at them in their embrace. His breath catches at the pure fear and pain that he sees reflected in Hotch eyes, combined with the shaking of his entire body showing how upset he is. Morgan seems all but forgotten as he holds Reid close, caressing his face over and over with bloody, unsteady fingers.
"God, I´m so sorry, Spencer.", he whispers, guilt heavy in his voice, "I should have never let you…I didn't think he would…"
Morgan blinks, thinking he has to adjust his vision. Nothing changes though. He doesn't think he has ever seen Hotch this besides himself, except for maybe back when Hankel…
And just like that the last puzzle piece falls into place, and he realizes that what he is seeing is nothing other than love. His heart sinks into the pit of his stomach.
They aren't even the same.
He still doesn't want to believe it even now, not after the lenghty fight he just had about it. But it is plain in his boss´ eyes.
Love.
Reid is clinging to Hotch like his life is depending on it, looking scarily like he did after said case, shaken to the bone.
"He didn't," he whispers, fingers digging into the man´s messed up suit like he is trying to prevent him from moving again, "I´m fine, Aaron. It´s okay."
His gaze briefly flickers over to meet Morgan's, and he thinks he sees understanding somewhere under all the fractured glass gleaming out of Reid´s face. Even now. Or maybe especially now.
What he doesn't see is forgiveness.
The moment is over within two seconds and Reid buries his face in Hotch´s neck like he can't stand to look at Morgan anymore.
That is when he knows he has to get out.
He has to leave. There is nothing left here for him, on any level. Reid was the last part of his life that wasn't broken yet, and yet has managed to destroy even that.
He pushes himself up on shaking legs, head spinning as he walks over to the door. He halts when Hotch makes to get up to stop him, to arrest him maybe, hatred clear in his eyes.
But Reid grasps onto him all the more tightly, shaking his head, "No, don't. He wasn´t going to…please, Aaron."
Hotch wavers as he looks down at the young man in his arms, and the pain is back, clearly distracting him from everything else. Morgan doesn't know why he is even still standing there by the time Hotch looks up again, barely contained as he hisses,
"Get out of my sight, Morgan. I will see to it that you never set foot in the BAU again. And if you ever even come within seeing distance of Spencer again, I will make sure it was the last time."
Morgan doesn't answer, sure that he means every word. He's almost glad for it.
Reid doesn't look up again, doesn't even acknowledge him as he walks past them.
After another moment of trying to find the right words to say but coming up blank, Morgan finally turns around, fleeing from his own apartment.
He doesn't know where he is headed as he walks away into the night, doesn't know if he will be coming back to this place. He knows though that if he does, there won't be anyone waiting for him unless it's the cops waiting to arrest him.
It doesn't matter in the end. He is not going to run, simply because he has nowhere left to run to, not even his own mind. Penance will find him wherever he goes.
l
*I feel the dream in me expire
and there's no one left to blame it on
I hear you label me a liar
'cause I can't seem to get this through
And I'm not scared now
I must assure you you're never gonna get away
Seems everyone's gonna be fine
One day too late, just as well*
l
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*cringes*
I would just like to point out that I dont think every victim of abuse ends up acting like this. It´s just one scenario I made up. Obviously Morgan wont forgive himself for a long time after this, but I think that is reall ywhat shows that he isnt like Buford.
Just so we´re clear he wasnt going to go any furhter, he just kind of had an episode or something, and what he said were repetitions of what Buford said to him. Hotch and Reid had to assume the worst with how it looked of course, but I would say Reid at least realized what was going on by the end, that´s why he told Hoch to let Morgan go. It´s still a very destructive and traumatizing experience though so I didnt see a way to let this end any more happy. Maybe the epilogue will provide some closure.
Thanks for reading everybody.