Gotta Go, Gotta Leave
Title: Helpless Romantic Gotta Go, Gotta Leave
Author: sugakane_01
Character/Pairing: Aaron Hotchner and Spencer Reid
Rating/Genre: PG-13/Slash
Warning: Slight Spoilers from Jones, Amplifications, and 100. Slight language
Summary: Spencer reaches his breaking point
Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds, or the song referenced in this fic
Gotta Go, Gotta Leave
Couldn't have given you more.
I tried to love you like you loved me.
Maybe for wrong reasons...maybe.
At first it was beautiful.
Everyone has a fairytale.
But then you wake up and see
it's not all it's cracked up to be.
It turned into screaming days and solo nights.
Just wasn't right
I didn't really wanna see you,
was happy when you were leaving yeah...
I liked how it felt when I was by myself.
And that's the way I wanna be,
So please, don't beg and plead,
Just let it be.
Just let it be...
I gotta go. I gotta leave.
So please don't make it hard for me.
I gave enough, I'm tired of love,
I gotta let it go.
~ Gotta Go, Gotta Leave Vivian Green
Done, the past participle of the word do. Done, an adjective meaning completed, finished, through, worn out, exhausted, and used up. Done, an idiom meaning to have done with, to break off relations or connections. At 11:23 on the day after his birthday, as he sat at his desk in the middle of the BAU bullpen and watched his lover leave for a lunch "meeting" with Jaqueline-their third of the week-Spencer realized he was done. He was done being shut out. He was done walking on eggshells. He was done being neglected. He was done being taken for granted. He was done saying I love you and being met with silence. He was done being punished because he was alive and Haley was dead. He was done being Aaron's doormat and he was done with Aaron.
They'd danced around each other for years but the relationship had begun shortly after he was infected with Anthrax. Spencer, finding himself restless and lonely had taken to spending several days a week with Aaron, and Aaron finding himself mourning his divorce and loathe to be alone but unwilling to admit it, had been grateful for the company. Over time the friendship had grown into a relationship and love had blossomed. Then George Foyet had struck, murdering Haley and leaving Aaron more wracked with guilt and pain than he'd ever thought possible.
Since Haley's death Aaron had pushed Spencer away. At first Spencer had been nothing but understanding. He hadn't wanted to intrude in the immediate aftermath of Haley's passing, respectful of Aaron's grief and his need to bond with and be there for Jack. He kept his distance, yet let the man he loved know he was always available to him. Aaron had eventually reached out to him but the dynamic was different. Aaron was colder, distant and sometimes cruel. It hurt, but Spencer did his best to understand, be there for Aaron as much he'd let him and push away his own doubts, fears and insecurities.
The relationship had become increasingly unhappy and Spencer had never felt more alone. The team had been little help; they were all so afraid for and focused on Aaron's pain that they had no energy left to worry about Spencer's. When Spencer had tried to reach out he'd been told in no uncertain terms that he simply had to find a way to deal because Aaron couldn't handle being left on top of everything else he'd been through and he was just grieving and he'd get through it and things would be fine. So Spencer had kept the faith in the relationship and stayed, despite the depression that was stealing his spirit and the constant emotional roller coaster Aaron took him on he'd stayed, telling himself that eventually the stranger with Aaron's face would go away and the man he loved would return.
It had all come to a head two months ago when Aaron, upset that Spencer was attempting to talk to him about what was going on, had thrown Spencer against a wall and nearly strangled him to unconsciousness. Spencer had spent the following week at JJ's fielding both Aaron's and the team's guilt ridden apologies. He had eventually agreed to go back to Aaron, provided he started attending some type of counseling. It was time for Aaron to take responsibility for his own actions and recovery, Spencer had tried to save drowning man and nearly been dragged under himself.
In retrospect, it had been Spencer's suggestion that Aaron might be more comfortable in a support group than with individual therapy (the ability to maintain his anonymity, the option to speak or just listen, the opportunity to see he wasn't alone) that had been the opening act in Spencer Reid's Epiphany. Aaron had gone and while there he'd met her. Jacqueline's fiancé had been murdered by her ex boyfriend and she and Aaron had instantly bonded over their mutual survivor's guilt. All too soon, brief chats after the meetings had turned into quick cups of coffee, cups of coffee into quiet midday phone calls, phone calls into lunch dates. Aaron was smiling again, he was opening up, he was coming back…but Spencer had begun to wonder just who Aaron was coming back to and why it didn't bother Spencer to think the answer might not be him.
Last night had been the second act. Penelope had thrown him a birthday party…that Aaron had refused to attend. Spencer had quietly asked Aaron to attend and found himself surprised that Aaron's refusal didn't sting…in fact he found he'd been relieved to have the evening to himself. He'd enjoyed himself, and spent the majority of the evening talking to Ethan, whose presence Penelope had arranged as a surprise, ignoring the furtive glances of the team and pretending he didn't notice when Rossi stepped out onto the balcony to place a panicked call to Aaron. At the end of the evening he and Ethan had agreed to meet for lunch the next day and Spencer had found himself looking forward to the other man's call, but not looking forward to going home. He'd spent the night on Penelope's couch, changing into his extra set of clothes from the go bag he kept in his car that morning for work.
The final act had taken place a few moments ago when Aaron had announced he was going to lunch-with Jaqueline and without Spencer. Spencer had been surprised that the anger, jealousy, hurt, and betrayal…all the things he'd felt merely a few weeks ago where Jaqueline was concerned were nowhere to found.
Spencer was trying to figure out what exactly it meant that he wasn't bothered that his lover- could he even be called his lover if they hadn't made love in months- was spending all his free time with a woman who bore a striking resemblance to Haley, when his cell phone rang and Ethan's number flashed across the screen. The last puzzle piece locked into place for Spencer when after a brief chat, he rose to get ready for his own lunch date-with Ethan- and realized he was humming. It had hit Spencer then-he was happier going to lunch with Ethan than he was going home to Aaron and that could only mean that Aaron wasn't the only one who'd emotionally checked out of their relationship-he had as well.
Spencer's revelation had come with a resolution: he was moving out immediately. It was past time for him to leave and he doubted that Aaron would care beyond the effect it might have on Jack. Spencer had winced when he thought of Jack; he hoped Aaron would permit him to stay close to the little boy. In any case Spencer knew he couldn't and wouldn't go on as he had been. He didn't know how to make Aaron happy and Aaron didn't seem to care if Spencer were happy. He may be the one moving out, but Aaron had moved on months ago…Spencer was merely catching up. He didn't feel guilty. He couldn't have given it more, he couldn't have fought harder or held on tighter, he'd done the best he could.
As he had stepped through the elevator doors, Spencer had known he was doing the right thing, he needed to leave while there was still something between them besides bitterness and regret. If he left now he and Aaron might be able to salvage their friendship. As he'd settled into the elevator and the doors slid closed, Spencer had been at peace with his decision. He had given enough, he was tired enough, and he was letting go. He was done.
Author: sugakane_01
Character/Pairing: Aaron Hotchner and Spencer Reid
Rating/Genre: PG-13/Slash
Warning: Slight Spoilers from Jones, Amplifications, and 100. Slight language
Summary: Spencer reaches his breaking point
Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds, or the song referenced in this fic
Gotta Go, Gotta Leave
Couldn't have given you more.
I tried to love you like you loved me.
Maybe for wrong reasons...maybe.
At first it was beautiful.
Everyone has a fairytale.
But then you wake up and see
it's not all it's cracked up to be.
It turned into screaming days and solo nights.
Just wasn't right
I didn't really wanna see you,
was happy when you were leaving yeah...
I liked how it felt when I was by myself.
And that's the way I wanna be,
So please, don't beg and plead,
Just let it be.
Just let it be...
I gotta go. I gotta leave.
So please don't make it hard for me.
I gave enough, I'm tired of love,
I gotta let it go.
~ Gotta Go, Gotta Leave Vivian Green
Done, the past participle of the word do. Done, an adjective meaning completed, finished, through, worn out, exhausted, and used up. Done, an idiom meaning to have done with, to break off relations or connections. At 11:23 on the day after his birthday, as he sat at his desk in the middle of the BAU bullpen and watched his lover leave for a lunch "meeting" with Jaqueline-their third of the week-Spencer realized he was done. He was done being shut out. He was done walking on eggshells. He was done being neglected. He was done being taken for granted. He was done saying I love you and being met with silence. He was done being punished because he was alive and Haley was dead. He was done being Aaron's doormat and he was done with Aaron.
They'd danced around each other for years but the relationship had begun shortly after he was infected with Anthrax. Spencer, finding himself restless and lonely had taken to spending several days a week with Aaron, and Aaron finding himself mourning his divorce and loathe to be alone but unwilling to admit it, had been grateful for the company. Over time the friendship had grown into a relationship and love had blossomed. Then George Foyet had struck, murdering Haley and leaving Aaron more wracked with guilt and pain than he'd ever thought possible.
Since Haley's death Aaron had pushed Spencer away. At first Spencer had been nothing but understanding. He hadn't wanted to intrude in the immediate aftermath of Haley's passing, respectful of Aaron's grief and his need to bond with and be there for Jack. He kept his distance, yet let the man he loved know he was always available to him. Aaron had eventually reached out to him but the dynamic was different. Aaron was colder, distant and sometimes cruel. It hurt, but Spencer did his best to understand, be there for Aaron as much he'd let him and push away his own doubts, fears and insecurities.
The relationship had become increasingly unhappy and Spencer had never felt more alone. The team had been little help; they were all so afraid for and focused on Aaron's pain that they had no energy left to worry about Spencer's. When Spencer had tried to reach out he'd been told in no uncertain terms that he simply had to find a way to deal because Aaron couldn't handle being left on top of everything else he'd been through and he was just grieving and he'd get through it and things would be fine. So Spencer had kept the faith in the relationship and stayed, despite the depression that was stealing his spirit and the constant emotional roller coaster Aaron took him on he'd stayed, telling himself that eventually the stranger with Aaron's face would go away and the man he loved would return.
It had all come to a head two months ago when Aaron, upset that Spencer was attempting to talk to him about what was going on, had thrown Spencer against a wall and nearly strangled him to unconsciousness. Spencer had spent the following week at JJ's fielding both Aaron's and the team's guilt ridden apologies. He had eventually agreed to go back to Aaron, provided he started attending some type of counseling. It was time for Aaron to take responsibility for his own actions and recovery, Spencer had tried to save drowning man and nearly been dragged under himself.
In retrospect, it had been Spencer's suggestion that Aaron might be more comfortable in a support group than with individual therapy (the ability to maintain his anonymity, the option to speak or just listen, the opportunity to see he wasn't alone) that had been the opening act in Spencer Reid's Epiphany. Aaron had gone and while there he'd met her. Jacqueline's fiancé had been murdered by her ex boyfriend and she and Aaron had instantly bonded over their mutual survivor's guilt. All too soon, brief chats after the meetings had turned into quick cups of coffee, cups of coffee into quiet midday phone calls, phone calls into lunch dates. Aaron was smiling again, he was opening up, he was coming back…but Spencer had begun to wonder just who Aaron was coming back to and why it didn't bother Spencer to think the answer might not be him.
Last night had been the second act. Penelope had thrown him a birthday party…that Aaron had refused to attend. Spencer had quietly asked Aaron to attend and found himself surprised that Aaron's refusal didn't sting…in fact he found he'd been relieved to have the evening to himself. He'd enjoyed himself, and spent the majority of the evening talking to Ethan, whose presence Penelope had arranged as a surprise, ignoring the furtive glances of the team and pretending he didn't notice when Rossi stepped out onto the balcony to place a panicked call to Aaron. At the end of the evening he and Ethan had agreed to meet for lunch the next day and Spencer had found himself looking forward to the other man's call, but not looking forward to going home. He'd spent the night on Penelope's couch, changing into his extra set of clothes from the go bag he kept in his car that morning for work.
The final act had taken place a few moments ago when Aaron had announced he was going to lunch-with Jaqueline and without Spencer. Spencer had been surprised that the anger, jealousy, hurt, and betrayal…all the things he'd felt merely a few weeks ago where Jaqueline was concerned were nowhere to found.
Spencer was trying to figure out what exactly it meant that he wasn't bothered that his lover- could he even be called his lover if they hadn't made love in months- was spending all his free time with a woman who bore a striking resemblance to Haley, when his cell phone rang and Ethan's number flashed across the screen. The last puzzle piece locked into place for Spencer when after a brief chat, he rose to get ready for his own lunch date-with Ethan- and realized he was humming. It had hit Spencer then-he was happier going to lunch with Ethan than he was going home to Aaron and that could only mean that Aaron wasn't the only one who'd emotionally checked out of their relationship-he had as well.
Spencer's revelation had come with a resolution: he was moving out immediately. It was past time for him to leave and he doubted that Aaron would care beyond the effect it might have on Jack. Spencer had winced when he thought of Jack; he hoped Aaron would permit him to stay close to the little boy. In any case Spencer knew he couldn't and wouldn't go on as he had been. He didn't know how to make Aaron happy and Aaron didn't seem to care if Spencer were happy. He may be the one moving out, but Aaron had moved on months ago…Spencer was merely catching up. He didn't feel guilty. He couldn't have given it more, he couldn't have fought harder or held on tighter, he'd done the best he could.
As he had stepped through the elevator doors, Spencer had known he was doing the right thing, he needed to leave while there was still something between them besides bitterness and regret. If he left now he and Aaron might be able to salvage their friendship. As he'd settled into the elevator and the doors slid closed, Spencer had been at peace with his decision. He had given enough, he was tired enough, and he was letting go. He was done.