Pondering Late at Night
Sometimes I find myself awake early in the morning and nowhere near tired even though I haven't slept in a while. I don't know why I see it as such, but I feel like it is a slight push from some higher power to do something that I didn't do. I then think that such things are nonsensical since I barely believe in a purpose outside of what we decide ourselves so how could there be a master plan. Regardless, I tried to figure out what I was capable of doing at the moment that I wasn't doing. Look where I am now...posting my thoughts again.
Well, I have been working for the past two days in Storrs. I am going to be up here until Sunday night or Monday morning depending on how things work out. Not very exciting over it all, but I need to acquire income in some fashion due to factors ongoing in this day and age. That in itself is very strange to me in what I see as the grand scheme of things for the next few years. I cannot find myself buying much of anything, yet I want to support the economy. To do the latter, I need to spend vast amounts of money. The unadulterated capitalist in me says that I need to garner money, but not spend it so that I can have a lot of money. What to do with that much money? Absolutely nothing unless it can get me more money. That is the terrible thing about American economics right now. People want to have money to buy things, but ultimately don't want to buy anything at all. This in combination with pirating and other types of fraud have caused there to be plenty of income, but very little spending. Maybe this mere message will cause people to possibly go down to a furniture store and just buy a couch. Better yet, buy a car.
What has been on my mind is something that has been recurring over the years. It is the question of whether I am actually happy with the girl (or for the sake of respect, woman) whom I am dating. Now, I can honestly say that I love Deanna and I have been more than content with the past twenty months and three weeks (give or take a day or two). I mean, being together that long means something. However because I cannot truly escape objectifying everything to make sense of it, I need to figure out what being in love means. I want to say that I am in love with Deanna, but how can I be sure. Randall Munroe (creator of xkcd) posted a comic recently (http://xkcd.com/584/) that basically portrays my position. I can say despite how alluring any other woman may be, I would never cheat on her. She is precious to me, and it makes me teary eyed just thinking about hurting her like that. She means a lot to me, but I am not sure if it's greater than I have for anyone else. Is eros greater than philia or storge for example? I'd like to think that true love is greater than camaraderie. A lot of the time, I sort of feel that I may be too young to actually need to know the distinctions here. Then again, there are times when I feel that not knowing this distinction is a great impediment on my growth as a person. Anyways, if I am not in love with her, am I doing her an injustice by trying to extent this relationship as a romantic one rather than be the strong friend who supports her and wants her support too. There are a handful of times where I feel that she and I are doing nothing more than friends would do. Then there are times when I feel that we are a great couple and this may work out until our ends. Point I am getting at is: Is love really all I need?
The other thing I am wondering is if anything I am doing is actually doing anything to further anything I want to get as an end. I have walked over plenty of people and made people do things that would not be in their repertoires without a lot of coaxing from an outside party, namely me. I know this is a legitimate fear that many people go through, but to a different extent. This is making me wonder whether my methodology of being as staunchly objective as possible is really beneficial to me. Am I really doing anything that is productive to the people on the whole? Should I return to making myself a martyr by displaying vices and receiving bad luck or other sorts of punishment. Lead by example right? Not many would suffer those pitfalls if they saw me fall and break my leg. That of course is a metaphor. I don't really want to be a martyr despite feeling like it's my destiny. I want to give back to the world by coming up with a new system of doing things or at least modify and bring a system that has grown outdated or just needs revision/revamping and doing so. Is that even a legitimate goal? Would I feel anywhere near fulfilled if I did it. Why was one of the thoughts that came to mind, although immediately dismissed, "Would people care in general and what would they think of it." I don't want to do any of this for fame. Maybe subconsciously and that's why the thought came up, but with the celerity of the denial of the I feel that I don't care subconsciously.
I guess I am just torn between several different things. At least I posted something. I have been meaning to do more updates on my life. I feel that constant and emotional devoid updates would be meaningless. Not that I display emotions well on the whole. Oh well. Good night folks. Approximately 4am now.
Well, I have been working for the past two days in Storrs. I am going to be up here until Sunday night or Monday morning depending on how things work out. Not very exciting over it all, but I need to acquire income in some fashion due to factors ongoing in this day and age. That in itself is very strange to me in what I see as the grand scheme of things for the next few years. I cannot find myself buying much of anything, yet I want to support the economy. To do the latter, I need to spend vast amounts of money. The unadulterated capitalist in me says that I need to garner money, but not spend it so that I can have a lot of money. What to do with that much money? Absolutely nothing unless it can get me more money. That is the terrible thing about American economics right now. People want to have money to buy things, but ultimately don't want to buy anything at all. This in combination with pirating and other types of fraud have caused there to be plenty of income, but very little spending. Maybe this mere message will cause people to possibly go down to a furniture store and just buy a couch. Better yet, buy a car.
What has been on my mind is something that has been recurring over the years. It is the question of whether I am actually happy with the girl (or for the sake of respect, woman) whom I am dating. Now, I can honestly say that I love Deanna and I have been more than content with the past twenty months and three weeks (give or take a day or two). I mean, being together that long means something. However because I cannot truly escape objectifying everything to make sense of it, I need to figure out what being in love means. I want to say that I am in love with Deanna, but how can I be sure. Randall Munroe (creator of xkcd) posted a comic recently (http://xkcd.com/584/) that basically portrays my position. I can say despite how alluring any other woman may be, I would never cheat on her. She is precious to me, and it makes me teary eyed just thinking about hurting her like that. She means a lot to me, but I am not sure if it's greater than I have for anyone else. Is eros greater than philia or storge for example? I'd like to think that true love is greater than camaraderie. A lot of the time, I sort of feel that I may be too young to actually need to know the distinctions here. Then again, there are times when I feel that not knowing this distinction is a great impediment on my growth as a person. Anyways, if I am not in love with her, am I doing her an injustice by trying to extent this relationship as a romantic one rather than be the strong friend who supports her and wants her support too. There are a handful of times where I feel that she and I are doing nothing more than friends would do. Then there are times when I feel that we are a great couple and this may work out until our ends. Point I am getting at is: Is love really all I need?
The other thing I am wondering is if anything I am doing is actually doing anything to further anything I want to get as an end. I have walked over plenty of people and made people do things that would not be in their repertoires without a lot of coaxing from an outside party, namely me. I know this is a legitimate fear that many people go through, but to a different extent. This is making me wonder whether my methodology of being as staunchly objective as possible is really beneficial to me. Am I really doing anything that is productive to the people on the whole? Should I return to making myself a martyr by displaying vices and receiving bad luck or other sorts of punishment. Lead by example right? Not many would suffer those pitfalls if they saw me fall and break my leg. That of course is a metaphor. I don't really want to be a martyr despite feeling like it's my destiny. I want to give back to the world by coming up with a new system of doing things or at least modify and bring a system that has grown outdated or just needs revision/revamping and doing so. Is that even a legitimate goal? Would I feel anywhere near fulfilled if I did it. Why was one of the thoughts that came to mind, although immediately dismissed, "Would people care in general and what would they think of it." I don't want to do any of this for fame. Maybe subconsciously and that's why the thought came up, but with the celerity of the denial of the I feel that I don't care subconsciously.
I guess I am just torn between several different things. At least I posted something. I have been meaning to do more updates on my life. I feel that constant and emotional devoid updates would be meaningless. Not that I display emotions well on the whole. Oh well. Good night folks. Approximately 4am now.