Entanled Disappointments
If you knew. If you honestly knew how much i hate this. How much i fucking hate the way you... dont know anything about how i feel. I fell depressed, so fully depressed and you managed to make me to make me fall that much deeper. i called you for hours at a time, and nothing came out of it except this mess you threw me into, again. you matter too much, you matter in a way that kills me. i hate your happiness. i hate how advanced you are, how carefree and splendid, how in love and knowing you are. i hate how you'd give up on me. you would, wouldnt you? And me, like a fucking idiot, i'd RELY on you. but you wouldnt be there, just like you weren't today. because you dont understand, because you're blind to this sad face, you're deaf to these whispers, you dont understand what's going on. and if i were to fall, really, if i were to plunge real low, you wouldnt fucking be there to pick me up again. it's perhaps exaggerated, but that's honestly the impression you gave me. you dont know how much it hurts to realize that. you have no fucking clue. because im too complicated for you, thats it. because more important matters are at hand. why is it that i love everything about you and yet so much disappointment arises from what i expect of you?
Yes, i want to disappoint you, i want to be the failure you expect i could be. i want you to hate me and be utterly wrong about me. I want you to give up on anything you ever saw in me. just so you could leave. and then i'd be completely shattered. then i'd lose hope in everything. because of course, you have that power over me. that power i despise. that influence you dont even know you have. and if you did know, you'd be selfishly flattered. If you were to give up on me, i would recover from that loss. i mean you're only like the best friend i've never met who helped me evolve in so many ways. i'd recover. after a couple years. with much difficulty. dont you see you'd make me plunge deeper into darkness than get me out of it by this reasoning? i dont want to believe in your good intentions, nor your sincerity or the idea you're there for me. you're just.... not.
This music plays... it's HIM. mari's favorite band. where the hell did my friendship with mari go? I let it go to waste today because i was phoning you. i could have talked to her for once that she was there, talkative. but i was too slow to answer and not precise. who says i couldnt have saved something there?... what am i going on about? it's not your fault at all.
You're not to blame. But I want to blame you for this pain I've inflicted myself through your words that I take too seriously. It all falls down on me. i wish i could not talk to you for months. but i need you. no matter how much i hate the situations you can put me in, no matter how treacherous it is to not be able to admit to you that you are that ideal guy. you say i haven't found love because i haven't met my ideal guy. do you know how hard it was to keep it in, to not say "yes i have, circumstances are just messed up though, because you're that guy". in a couple days i'll want to hear your voice again. i'll check my phone all the time to see if you didn't leave me a message. i thought this addiction was over with. it is, i'm just particularly... vulnerable (I know, dont you love that word) and right now, i'm not sure what kind of influence you are. you have that power to throw me head first or pull me back on my feet. you did the latter once. but you know what? why am i about to post this, when you know this so fully already. you probably dont know why i rely on you so much. well, here's news. neither do i.
I wonder why i dont tell you all this. because you cant be bothered to listen, i fear. you would have to pay attention and dedicate time you dont want to dedicate. because tomorrow i'll be better and will feel totally different from tonight. in one way i'm hoping you'll understand, you'll read this and somehow, someway... you might thread your way to comprehension. but i cant rely on that. i'm writing this for me. to let it out.
Life can be so beautiful. it is so beautiful. but i change my mind so easily. one song will remind me of the good times, of the fact what we have is amazing. of the magic in the world. like at this precise instant. 'i cant breathe until you're resting here with me'. I'm so glad i'm not at that stage anymore. the truth of the matter is, this whole thing is a mess. our friendshio's a mess, isn't it? how could it not be. Friendships are not meant to be never broken, says jo, but each time they are put in peril, it's a test to see if you can reinforce them. it failed with mari didn't it? I felt we were strong when i left the US. I loved her so much and now what? distance killled us.why could the distance not kill what we have now? you would let me down no problem, I fear. if i were to fall, i'd go down in your esteeem. disappointing you is about as bad as disappointing myself, and i'm a perfectionist who loses all confidence when making mistakes.
'you could save me', you once said. now i see what was behind that statement. i could have, litterally, saved you from a lot of things, had i been there, had we had something else. but someone else did, so that turned out well. I wonder why all the entries on this blog are about you. Am I that desperate?
A smile creeps up my lips. I was mean to you, wasn't I? How to explain. I simply wanted to hurt you. How tragic. Are we always meant to hurt the ones we love? I wanted you hurt, to feel like me, to pay for some of that 8/10 you gave to your current happiness. For you to pay for the fact you couldn't see through me, you couldn't see through my unhappines, my sense of loss and desperation. How immature of me. How can I put all this on ou. How can I want to hurt you, after all you've done for me. You're just being honest, and I'm only disappointed in what i saw in you that was never there. I'm trapped in my own bloody imagination and dreams. I doubt any of this entry makes any sense. But is it truly the point? Maybe not. You were probably worse off than me at one point. So really, I'm just being selfish... the questions stop there.
Maybe you don't need to see this sad face, not hear these whispers. You needn't see the tears that slid down my face after I hung up the phone today. But me... I need to remember.