Wow
It's been a while. A long time. Here's the update.
I moved out of Blake's apartment and came home to Dothan. I fucked around there for a little while. At the time I was pretty severely depressed... having thoughts of suicide. When I say thoughts of suicide that's exactly what I mean. I didn't all of a sudden think "I want to kill myself." No. I just started having frequent and random thoughts about suicide. Like... "What would it be like to just jerk the wheel and run my car into that ditch?" After these repeated thought patterns had gone on for a little while... I decided it was time to talk to someone... so I discussed it with Selene a little bit.
It's very hard to explain... When I tried to get it across to people I said something along these lines... "It's not that I'm thinking about killing myself, I've just been thinking alot about... the end of life. I'm not going to end my life. In a way, I want my life to end, but I know that I couldn't and don't want to kill myself. I just kind of... have a desire for death lately. I'm... lusting after an exit. I just want to go to sleep. I'm exhausted emotionally, and it's starting to scare me a little. I've never had an urge to give up before, let alone considered suicide. I haven't 'considered killing myself,' but I have 'taken into consideration' the idea of suicide. I've thought about what it is, not about doing it." Again, it's hard to define.
Anywho, I didn't really mentally or verbally acknowledge the presence of these thoughts untill I admitted them to Selene one day. That was the day I moved out of the apartment in Troy. So, I came home... I talked to my mom about what was going on with me, and it startled her to say the least, but she understood where I was coming from and didn't freak out. I hung out in Dothan for a while, trying to get up, trying to come to terms and get my shit together. I didn't put much umph into getting a job, so I didn't get a job. After a few weeks the pressures were building, Scott was growing impatient, and I was only feeling more and more worn down, more and more ready to beat myself up mentally.
Then it happened. Sure, Selene and I had talked about it a few times... and I had warned my mother that I might actually do it... but I didn't think it would really materialize. What am I speaking of? Taking off. I took off. I had forty dollars, some clothes, some pens and books, a pair of shoes, and some cigarettes. I went home, packed those few things, told my mother I was leaving, and got in the car. We drove straight to Austin,Texas. So that's where I am now. No, I'm not homeless. I'm living with Tiffany, Patrick, Hillary, Ted, and Selene in a nice apartment in the suburbs. I am minutes from the city, and minutes from the boonies. I have a great job within walking distance of our house making seven dollars an hour to do next to nothing. I have a bed, I have some weed, I have an income, and most importantly, I have no reason to stress. Things are great.
Well. There's the scoop. Some may think I'm nuts, some may find my actions admirible. The choice is yours. As for me- I'm good. Good for the first time in a long time.
I love you all, and miss you much.
I moved out of Blake's apartment and came home to Dothan. I fucked around there for a little while. At the time I was pretty severely depressed... having thoughts of suicide. When I say thoughts of suicide that's exactly what I mean. I didn't all of a sudden think "I want to kill myself." No. I just started having frequent and random thoughts about suicide. Like... "What would it be like to just jerk the wheel and run my car into that ditch?" After these repeated thought patterns had gone on for a little while... I decided it was time to talk to someone... so I discussed it with Selene a little bit.
It's very hard to explain... When I tried to get it across to people I said something along these lines... "It's not that I'm thinking about killing myself, I've just been thinking alot about... the end of life. I'm not going to end my life. In a way, I want my life to end, but I know that I couldn't and don't want to kill myself. I just kind of... have a desire for death lately. I'm... lusting after an exit. I just want to go to sleep. I'm exhausted emotionally, and it's starting to scare me a little. I've never had an urge to give up before, let alone considered suicide. I haven't 'considered killing myself,' but I have 'taken into consideration' the idea of suicide. I've thought about what it is, not about doing it." Again, it's hard to define.
Anywho, I didn't really mentally or verbally acknowledge the presence of these thoughts untill I admitted them to Selene one day. That was the day I moved out of the apartment in Troy. So, I came home... I talked to my mom about what was going on with me, and it startled her to say the least, but she understood where I was coming from and didn't freak out. I hung out in Dothan for a while, trying to get up, trying to come to terms and get my shit together. I didn't put much umph into getting a job, so I didn't get a job. After a few weeks the pressures were building, Scott was growing impatient, and I was only feeling more and more worn down, more and more ready to beat myself up mentally.
Then it happened. Sure, Selene and I had talked about it a few times... and I had warned my mother that I might actually do it... but I didn't think it would really materialize. What am I speaking of? Taking off. I took off. I had forty dollars, some clothes, some pens and books, a pair of shoes, and some cigarettes. I went home, packed those few things, told my mother I was leaving, and got in the car. We drove straight to Austin,Texas. So that's where I am now. No, I'm not homeless. I'm living with Tiffany, Patrick, Hillary, Ted, and Selene in a nice apartment in the suburbs. I am minutes from the city, and minutes from the boonies. I have a great job within walking distance of our house making seven dollars an hour to do next to nothing. I have a bed, I have some weed, I have an income, and most importantly, I have no reason to stress. Things are great.
Well. There's the scoop. Some may think I'm nuts, some may find my actions admirible. The choice is yours. As for me- I'm good. Good for the first time in a long time.
I love you all, and miss you much.