FSL Exchange Fic for: jacquelee
Title: Doesn't Mean I Don't Love You
Rating: PG-13
Written For: jacquelee
Written by: virkatjol
"You said I could pick."
John grimaces as he looks around. "Yeah, Yeah I did… But…"
She crosses her arms and glares at him. "I like this one."
"But there aren't any trees or parks or green anything…" John looks around the planet. It's dark gray from all the metal, the skyscrapers seem to be blocking out the sun that he knows circles it. The clouds are dark and he would be surprised if it wasn't like this year round. "It's gloomy, baby. That's not us… not you."
"So, what you really meant was 'pick any planet' as long as it's like Earth?" Her chin juts out and tightens waiting for his answer.
"Not exactly." It wasn't supposed to be an insult but sometimes things just don't translate. "I meant that I wanted you to pick somewhere that would be good to raise little D on."
"I pick Moya for that." She gets it. He wasn't raised on a ship. He had a stable house to go home to, he had loving parents. But she doesn't know anything about that. She knows that she loves her son, more than anything. "I just don't know why you think we have to move to a planet."
It would amuse him, the way she says the word 'planet' like it's a curse word. It may as well mean the same as frell or youth to her. "I want him to have a place to call his home. A place that isn't always on the move. I just want…"
She's waiting. Always waiting on John. It's a little less irksome than it used to be, but not much. "Please, tell me what it is that Commander Crichton desires."
"It's not like that, Aeryn." He moves towards her and lifts her chin to look at his eyes. "You are everything. You and baby D. If you hate it we'll move back. I just want to try staying in one place. Not feeling like I'm running from everyone, everything. I need to have a little bit of stability, even if it's just a little while. I think I'll go even more insane if I have to raise an infant on a ship."
She can tell he's sincere. There's nothing in his reasoning that suggests he’s just doing it to push her limits. To test her. That's all she needed to know. She afraid to live somewhere that doesn't provide escape. Being on a planet is almost like prison to her and he doesn't see it, doesn't understand.
"John…" She lets her arms loose and her hands settle on his hips. Aeryn tries to look away, but he doesn't let go. It's one thing that she's always loved about him. He refuses to let her go. No matter how much pain it involves. "I don't know if I can live on the ground. I just…"
"Hey, baby." He releases her chin and hugs her to his chest. "If you can't… we'll deal with that."
"Deal with it?"
"Yeah, move back to Moya if necessary, or maybe just take a lot of turns out in the old Module."
Aeryn grins against him, thinking about flying the module. "That thing isn't fit for space."
"You keep telling me that but it keeps saving our asses." He's chuckling now.
Her arms wrap around him and her hand slips down and slaps his ass. "Luckily…" She lets that one hang in the air for a minute. "I don't know if that will be enough though. I've never stayed in one place for long. I just don't feel safe that way."
John kisses the top of her head. "Honey, if that's the case we'll leave right away. Right away. I just need you to try it." His mouth finds hers, lips lock without thought and she returns the caress. "For me, for D'Argo? Please?"
*
D'Argo's crying again and John's doing all he can to soothe him. Aeryn's out.
Somewhere.
She's so restless, so concerned that they will be cornered - caught unaware on this planet that she's starting to drive him insane.
"Hey, little D." Lips touch his forehead in a soft kiss and he feels hot. "You sick, bud? Is that what all the fuss is about?"
"Peacekeepers don't get sick."
She's back. Standing in the doorway and stomps over them. She glares at him and he's not sure what he's done now. "Hey, baby. Maybe it's an ear infection or something…"
Aeryn's frustrated at first. Everything is different with this baby. Her son isn't… Isn't what she understands. The anger at John for giving their son weakness is stolen from her when she cups the little boy's head and looks at how uncomfortable he is.
She's pulling him into her arms and hugging him close. "Shhh, D, shush now. Momma's here." Her lips are like ice in contrast to the heat of his fever. "John… What if he can get heat delirium?"
That wasn't something he considered. "Shit, Aeryn, I don't know. What should we do?"
A doctor on this planet isn't trustworthy in her eyes. She can't think of an example of a Peacekeeper ever becoming sick. D'Argo is calming in her arms and nuzzling at her breast. Seeking the comfort of her milk. "Maybe he'll work through it. He seems better."
John sits on the small sofa that they have in their apartment and Aeryn joins him. She hands him the baby so she can adjust her clothes for the feeding. As soon as he's in his father’s arms again he begins to wail, giant tears spilling down his face and fists balled up in protest.
"You're cooler, to touch, since your core temperature is lower. When you're holding him it's soothing to him in more than just a maternal way." She's quicker, just tossing her shirt and bra off. John strips D'Argo naked too and as soon as he's pressed against his mom's chest, mouth surrounding her nipple, he's quiet.
She strokes his short hair as he suckles. John's leaning his head on her shoulder, nuzzling and kissing her neck. "Baby, you were pissed about something when you got back."
It's hard for her to explain it to him. He can't seem to get it through his thick skull. Being grounded makes her twitchy. It makes her feel trapped which leads to fear and that turns into anger. "I'm not the kind of girl to live on Earth."
"I'm not asking you to live on Earth." His finger traces the slope of her breast to their son's rose bud mouth and over his cheek. Just the slight contact makes him start to build up a cry again. John jerks his hand away like he's been burn. "God, I can't even touch my son right now."
"I've got him. Don't worry." The noise he expels in reaction must put a look he doesn't like on her face.
It's as if he's insulted her. "I know that you are more than capable of handling things without my help, Aeryn." His head falls back and he takes his arm from behind her and sits up, elbows on his knees and lets his face fall into his hands. "I get it, alright?"
"I don't think you do." She smirks at him. Amused by his human emotional outbursts still.
"I get that you don't want to live here with me. I do. I just… Just like you're used to flying, moving, running all the time -- I'm not. I like solid ground beneath my feet. I like the natural breeze brought on by a non artificial atmosphere. I enjoy the chill and the heat and the way it's out of my control."
She's still giving him that look. The one that says he's a crazy human. It sends him to his feet and across the room.
"Do you want to go back to Moya?" He turns to her, asks her to tell him honestly. "If that's what you want, Aeryn. I'll do it."
He's always a conundrum to her and by now she's positive he'll never change. "Of course I do. But this isn't about what I want at all, John. Living here never was." She pauses for a moment to swap the baby to the other breast. "It was always about what you wanted."
He's distracted for a minute by the sight of her breasts. Her body giving life to their child.
"No. No, Aeryn." He kneels in front of her. "It's not about what I want. It's what I think D'Argo should get to experience."
Her lips twist in amusement. "What? Life on a dangerous planet?"
"Which varies so much from life on a Leviathan living in dangerous space?" He slides his hands on either side of her thighs. "Besides, I've yet to see anything on this planet that makes it unsafe."
"Just because you haven't experienced it doesn't mean that it's not there."
John's quick to counter. "And just because you've experienced it elsewhere doesn't mean it's here."
Both of them go quiet. Sometimes decisions aren't completely mutual and they've been able to move past it until now. The fear is what gets her the most and they both understand that.
"You're scared." John puts it out there. She's about to get mad when he cups her cheek. His eyes never leave hers. "It's okay, Aeryn, baby. I'm scared too."
"It's not the same." She didn't admit it, she'll never admit it. He gives her his quirky smile and she tries not to grin back. "It's not!"
"You don't have to say it." He leans across D'Argo, careful not to touch him, and kisses her. "I'm not going to make you."
How is he impossible to stay angry at? It must be some human thing that was bred out of them. "I'll try a little longer."
"Thanks, sweetheart." He tucks her loose hair behind her ear and kisses her again. "I promise if you can't do this. We'll go back to Moya."
The look in his eyes is what makes her see it. It's not a human trait at all. It has nothing to do with species or breeding. It's just feelings. Emotions.
Love.
He loves her, more than anything and she feels exactly the same. Sometimes he takes her breath from her with how he makes her feel. She looks away, unable to handle all of it. D'Argo has fallen asleep. "I think I should keep holding him. I think I'm absorbing some of his heat."
"I think you should too. At least he's able to sleep like that." It's hard not to touch the small boy. "It will help him fight off whatever it is he's got."
She stares across at their bed and John nods at her. He helps her up and then strips her out of the rest of her clothes. She climbs in and he helps her lay down with Deke still held tightly against her. She's on her back, the baby resting on her - stomach to stomach, when he decides that he may as well climb in with them.
"Let’s all take a nap. Let things settle down." His suggestion is met with a half hum from his already half sleeping wife. He kisses her shoulder but doesn't get too close. The risk of accidentally touching and waking D'Argo is too great.
A few minutes later he feels her fingers on the back of his hand. He flips it palm side up and she flattens her hand over the top, entwining their fingers together and holding tightly.
"You sleeping?" He whispers and she groans a soft acknowledgment. "I love you."
"Love you."
It doesn't matter to him how much they fight. How often the arguments get heated. How stubborn she insists on being. As long as at the end of the day they're still in love. Still in need of one another.
"Stop, thinking, John." She squeezes his hand. "Sleep."
He'll never stop loving her.
He's pretty sure she'll love him forever, too. But it's nice of her to remind him.
The End
Rating: PG-13
Written For: jacquelee
Written by: virkatjol
"You said I could pick."
John grimaces as he looks around. "Yeah, Yeah I did… But…"
She crosses her arms and glares at him. "I like this one."
"But there aren't any trees or parks or green anything…" John looks around the planet. It's dark gray from all the metal, the skyscrapers seem to be blocking out the sun that he knows circles it. The clouds are dark and he would be surprised if it wasn't like this year round. "It's gloomy, baby. That's not us… not you."
"So, what you really meant was 'pick any planet' as long as it's like Earth?" Her chin juts out and tightens waiting for his answer.
"Not exactly." It wasn't supposed to be an insult but sometimes things just don't translate. "I meant that I wanted you to pick somewhere that would be good to raise little D on."
"I pick Moya for that." She gets it. He wasn't raised on a ship. He had a stable house to go home to, he had loving parents. But she doesn't know anything about that. She knows that she loves her son, more than anything. "I just don't know why you think we have to move to a planet."
It would amuse him, the way she says the word 'planet' like it's a curse word. It may as well mean the same as frell or youth to her. "I want him to have a place to call his home. A place that isn't always on the move. I just want…"
She's waiting. Always waiting on John. It's a little less irksome than it used to be, but not much. "Please, tell me what it is that Commander Crichton desires."
"It's not like that, Aeryn." He moves towards her and lifts her chin to look at his eyes. "You are everything. You and baby D. If you hate it we'll move back. I just want to try staying in one place. Not feeling like I'm running from everyone, everything. I need to have a little bit of stability, even if it's just a little while. I think I'll go even more insane if I have to raise an infant on a ship."
She can tell he's sincere. There's nothing in his reasoning that suggests he’s just doing it to push her limits. To test her. That's all she needed to know. She afraid to live somewhere that doesn't provide escape. Being on a planet is almost like prison to her and he doesn't see it, doesn't understand.
"John…" She lets her arms loose and her hands settle on his hips. Aeryn tries to look away, but he doesn't let go. It's one thing that she's always loved about him. He refuses to let her go. No matter how much pain it involves. "I don't know if I can live on the ground. I just…"
"Hey, baby." He releases her chin and hugs her to his chest. "If you can't… we'll deal with that."
"Deal with it?"
"Yeah, move back to Moya if necessary, or maybe just take a lot of turns out in the old Module."
Aeryn grins against him, thinking about flying the module. "That thing isn't fit for space."
"You keep telling me that but it keeps saving our asses." He's chuckling now.
Her arms wrap around him and her hand slips down and slaps his ass. "Luckily…" She lets that one hang in the air for a minute. "I don't know if that will be enough though. I've never stayed in one place for long. I just don't feel safe that way."
John kisses the top of her head. "Honey, if that's the case we'll leave right away. Right away. I just need you to try it." His mouth finds hers, lips lock without thought and she returns the caress. "For me, for D'Argo? Please?"
*
D'Argo's crying again and John's doing all he can to soothe him. Aeryn's out.
Somewhere.
She's so restless, so concerned that they will be cornered - caught unaware on this planet that she's starting to drive him insane.
"Hey, little D." Lips touch his forehead in a soft kiss and he feels hot. "You sick, bud? Is that what all the fuss is about?"
"Peacekeepers don't get sick."
She's back. Standing in the doorway and stomps over them. She glares at him and he's not sure what he's done now. "Hey, baby. Maybe it's an ear infection or something…"
Aeryn's frustrated at first. Everything is different with this baby. Her son isn't… Isn't what she understands. The anger at John for giving their son weakness is stolen from her when she cups the little boy's head and looks at how uncomfortable he is.
She's pulling him into her arms and hugging him close. "Shhh, D, shush now. Momma's here." Her lips are like ice in contrast to the heat of his fever. "John… What if he can get heat delirium?"
That wasn't something he considered. "Shit, Aeryn, I don't know. What should we do?"
A doctor on this planet isn't trustworthy in her eyes. She can't think of an example of a Peacekeeper ever becoming sick. D'Argo is calming in her arms and nuzzling at her breast. Seeking the comfort of her milk. "Maybe he'll work through it. He seems better."
John sits on the small sofa that they have in their apartment and Aeryn joins him. She hands him the baby so she can adjust her clothes for the feeding. As soon as he's in his father’s arms again he begins to wail, giant tears spilling down his face and fists balled up in protest.
"You're cooler, to touch, since your core temperature is lower. When you're holding him it's soothing to him in more than just a maternal way." She's quicker, just tossing her shirt and bra off. John strips D'Argo naked too and as soon as he's pressed against his mom's chest, mouth surrounding her nipple, he's quiet.
She strokes his short hair as he suckles. John's leaning his head on her shoulder, nuzzling and kissing her neck. "Baby, you were pissed about something when you got back."
It's hard for her to explain it to him. He can't seem to get it through his thick skull. Being grounded makes her twitchy. It makes her feel trapped which leads to fear and that turns into anger. "I'm not the kind of girl to live on Earth."
"I'm not asking you to live on Earth." His finger traces the slope of her breast to their son's rose bud mouth and over his cheek. Just the slight contact makes him start to build up a cry again. John jerks his hand away like he's been burn. "God, I can't even touch my son right now."
"I've got him. Don't worry." The noise he expels in reaction must put a look he doesn't like on her face.
It's as if he's insulted her. "I know that you are more than capable of handling things without my help, Aeryn." His head falls back and he takes his arm from behind her and sits up, elbows on his knees and lets his face fall into his hands. "I get it, alright?"
"I don't think you do." She smirks at him. Amused by his human emotional outbursts still.
"I get that you don't want to live here with me. I do. I just… Just like you're used to flying, moving, running all the time -- I'm not. I like solid ground beneath my feet. I like the natural breeze brought on by a non artificial atmosphere. I enjoy the chill and the heat and the way it's out of my control."
She's still giving him that look. The one that says he's a crazy human. It sends him to his feet and across the room.
"Do you want to go back to Moya?" He turns to her, asks her to tell him honestly. "If that's what you want, Aeryn. I'll do it."
He's always a conundrum to her and by now she's positive he'll never change. "Of course I do. But this isn't about what I want at all, John. Living here never was." She pauses for a moment to swap the baby to the other breast. "It was always about what you wanted."
He's distracted for a minute by the sight of her breasts. Her body giving life to their child.
"No. No, Aeryn." He kneels in front of her. "It's not about what I want. It's what I think D'Argo should get to experience."
Her lips twist in amusement. "What? Life on a dangerous planet?"
"Which varies so much from life on a Leviathan living in dangerous space?" He slides his hands on either side of her thighs. "Besides, I've yet to see anything on this planet that makes it unsafe."
"Just because you haven't experienced it doesn't mean that it's not there."
John's quick to counter. "And just because you've experienced it elsewhere doesn't mean it's here."
Both of them go quiet. Sometimes decisions aren't completely mutual and they've been able to move past it until now. The fear is what gets her the most and they both understand that.
"You're scared." John puts it out there. She's about to get mad when he cups her cheek. His eyes never leave hers. "It's okay, Aeryn, baby. I'm scared too."
"It's not the same." She didn't admit it, she'll never admit it. He gives her his quirky smile and she tries not to grin back. "It's not!"
"You don't have to say it." He leans across D'Argo, careful not to touch him, and kisses her. "I'm not going to make you."
How is he impossible to stay angry at? It must be some human thing that was bred out of them. "I'll try a little longer."
"Thanks, sweetheart." He tucks her loose hair behind her ear and kisses her again. "I promise if you can't do this. We'll go back to Moya."
The look in his eyes is what makes her see it. It's not a human trait at all. It has nothing to do with species or breeding. It's just feelings. Emotions.
Love.
He loves her, more than anything and she feels exactly the same. Sometimes he takes her breath from her with how he makes her feel. She looks away, unable to handle all of it. D'Argo has fallen asleep. "I think I should keep holding him. I think I'm absorbing some of his heat."
"I think you should too. At least he's able to sleep like that." It's hard not to touch the small boy. "It will help him fight off whatever it is he's got."
She stares across at their bed and John nods at her. He helps her up and then strips her out of the rest of her clothes. She climbs in and he helps her lay down with Deke still held tightly against her. She's on her back, the baby resting on her - stomach to stomach, when he decides that he may as well climb in with them.
"Let’s all take a nap. Let things settle down." His suggestion is met with a half hum from his already half sleeping wife. He kisses her shoulder but doesn't get too close. The risk of accidentally touching and waking D'Argo is too great.
A few minutes later he feels her fingers on the back of his hand. He flips it palm side up and she flattens her hand over the top, entwining their fingers together and holding tightly.
"You sleeping?" He whispers and she groans a soft acknowledgment. "I love you."
"Love you."
It doesn't matter to him how much they fight. How often the arguments get heated. How stubborn she insists on being. As long as at the end of the day they're still in love. Still in need of one another.
"Stop, thinking, John." She squeezes his hand. "Sleep."
He'll never stop loving her.
He's pretty sure she'll love him forever, too. But it's nice of her to remind him.
The End