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Feb 23, 2007 04:26

it feels like its been a while.
maybe it has?
maybe it hasnt?
where am i at in life?
i just got out of a few days spent kind of platauing with God
satan was definately trying to pull me away in those times.
it was a rough battle.
but God won
he always does.
i just didnt feel motivated.
i read, but i didnt hear.
i have several options ahead of me.
im really feeling a tug on my heart to be an SLA next year.
that would require me to be totally unselfish, sacrificing my apartment, living with my friends, quietness, time.
a small part of me wants to be selfish
but another part of me really really feels like i would learn so much from it.
im not sure
if youre a praying person, pray about that for me, okay?
life is death to self.
"Everything has already been decided. It was known long ago what each person would do. So theres no use arguing with God about your destiny." ecc 6:10
what else?
im learning how tender my heart is.
especially after this past year.
bike trip
new orleans
james
florida
i feel like this year flew by to the point where i didnt even get a chance to breathe or reflect
yet at the same time, sometimes i think i did enough of the reflecting.
i don tthink its a bad thing to reflect a lot.
i think we learn the most when we look back.
one of the major themes of this year was to "remember"
remember where God has taken me
remember what depths God has gone through leading the way
remember how God has provided
remember all of that and to look confidently into the future knowing that thats the same God i still serve and will always be.
i wish i could sit down and write my whole life out.
things ive learned
people ive met
challenges that have been overcome.
yet at the same time, i dont think i could ever accurately find the words to even begin.
in other news, im going to tennessee this weekend for a 3 day family vaca.
by family i mean brian, amber, and kate.
im looking forward to scotty time
and just being away and not worrying about school or studying.
ive made it my goal to try new things- new experiances- while im down there.
dare to go out of my comfort zone.
i cant believe where ive been in the past month
kentucky
ironton
kent
and now tennessee
whens life going to slow down?
not that its a bad thing. not at all.
i hear its just going to get that much faster.
Gods doing major work in my life and in the lives of those around me.
i wish i could convey just what God is doing in the heart of my own dad.
its going to be soon guys...really soon.
my daddy will know and love jesus.
i know it and believe it in my heart and i see the path unfolding every single day in the smallest of things
i had a nice long God talk with the one and only Billy Dixon the other day.
and im not going to lie, it felt really good to connect with him on that level again.
im so proud of that boy.
he will always be a special person to me.
always.
what else
i spoke in chapel twice in the past month
once at his stories- i gave my whole testimony
then infront of the whole school at big chapel
and let me tell you
vulnerability leads to healing
to be able to get up there and share where your hearts at, not only admitting it to yourself, but to everyone else, thats where the true healing takes place.
there is purpose in my pain- i saw it even more after chapel when people would come up to me and share stories about their losses and brokenness.
im blessed to be used.
blessed in my brokeness.
im not going to sit here and say that its all been an easy path
because it sure as heck hasnt
its still hard.
i honestly have a hard time seeing dead people on tv or in movies- the scene of seeing james in his casket flashes before my eyes and i mentally have to talk myself out of thinking about it
or i have moments where it seems as if it hit me for the first time.
or the moments where i miss him so deeply that i cant move
or what could have been being at the same school
or memories
or differant sinereos that go through my head as to what he was thinking the moments up until he was gone
okay stop laura.
im so very thankful for matt henry and andy otten though who know where im at, and allow me to just speak freely yet at the same time know the joy that ive found.
through thick and thin, theyve allowed me to sink my heart into theirs and vise versa.
and ambers been amazing too- letting me talk so freely about james- WANTING to know about him and his passion and life.
im going to change the subject.
sorry.
the time is now 4:24 am and i shouldnt even try to sleep.
2 hours would be more damage than not going to sleep at all.
im excited for the rest of my life to play out
but still even more excited for what God is teaching me here in the now
in this moment
alright well i guess i could pack some more for tomorrow
im sorry i wrote a book
its not like anyone reads this anyways
i hope that if you do read this, that you are doing well.
:)
laura
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