FUCK
Been forever, I know. Fuck you too.
Me and Eugenia broke up, all my fault, betrayed her trust, regret everything I did wrong, not over it, still want her back, know she doesn't want anymore to do with me than she has to, and all that fun shit.
Finally gave in to alissa because shes the only person that seems to care about me. I'd drop her in a second if it would help get me back with Eugenia. I never realized how much I need her, how much I ignored her, how much I hurt her. I'm writing this because I can't sleep and games don't take the edge off. So maybe if I tell everyone that I want her back and would do anything, they'll all call me stupid for fucking things up in the first place and I'll feel worse than ever and nothing will get solved, but at least everyone will know whats going through my head.
So yeah... other than wanting my sister back...
Kyle wants to hang out occasionally (hi kyle) but not get involved with my life, seems too pointless an endeavor to me. I can't think about him because I always get hung up on how he liked (likes?) Eugenia and then the rage starts a brewing. I ranted at people about how I think kyle sabbotaged things and while entirely possible I don't actually think he had anything to do with it; it was a convenient scapegoat. (And fuck you and you're I always need rides bullshit, you should know i don't like to go anywhere I can't get to on my own if the need arose. And fuck you for thinking that Al will leave me he always knew that I did horrible things to people. at least i never slept with his girl without his knowing it you backstabber! I'm done with the stupid misguided childish yelling now. but it really did upset me that you said those things kyle, ive done too much to you and people you/we care about to stand myself, let alone you, being around anytime soon. For that a significant portion of me is sad.)
Me and sophie talked for a bit and haven't talked in a while, so much for her attempted CPR on that one...
My life itsn't progressing and i don't give a fuck i'm too obsessed with Eugenia. Or I guess dreams and idealizations of her. It's hard to look back and say "yes it was me that did those things to someone" I can hardly believe myself capable now. I guess thats suppression for you.
I wish there was a sufficient way to say i'm sorry (and not 'sorry take me back', i'm not that naive) for what I did because I am and I know nothing will ever be good enough and things between us have a nil chance of getting better if I keep bringing up the relationship. Which sucks cause if we ever got back together she'd be plauged with memories... FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK. Why can't I fix things
goddamn blood, all over the keyboard/table... won't have time to clean it up dad is over in the morning for a hike, fuck, need to wear longsleves again, sick of people asking questions; cats? that deep? fucking idiots. doesn't even hurt anymore how can pain be so addicting? I dunno when it started I think I dropped my new knife, it was sharp and i haven't gone a day without reminding myself of that yet.
all i do is hurt myself, made my pinky go numb tonight, but not just physically. I always destroy what I care about, am I so affraid someone will take it from me or do I just deplete things that I come in contact with? I doubt I have so much forethought as to people ever being taken from me so that leaves me with option two, I'm either a horrible person or veryvery misguided and I always seem to know where i'm going so I'm just horrible fuck me, I lose. I ALWAYS lose.
FUCK ALL OF YOU. IM ROTTING AWAY AND I CANT SEE YOUR LOVE!
Me and Eugenia broke up, all my fault, betrayed her trust, regret everything I did wrong, not over it, still want her back, know she doesn't want anymore to do with me than she has to, and all that fun shit.
Finally gave in to alissa because shes the only person that seems to care about me. I'd drop her in a second if it would help get me back with Eugenia. I never realized how much I need her, how much I ignored her, how much I hurt her. I'm writing this because I can't sleep and games don't take the edge off. So maybe if I tell everyone that I want her back and would do anything, they'll all call me stupid for fucking things up in the first place and I'll feel worse than ever and nothing will get solved, but at least everyone will know whats going through my head.
So yeah... other than wanting my sister back...
Kyle wants to hang out occasionally (hi kyle) but not get involved with my life, seems too pointless an endeavor to me. I can't think about him because I always get hung up on how he liked (likes?) Eugenia and then the rage starts a brewing. I ranted at people about how I think kyle sabbotaged things and while entirely possible I don't actually think he had anything to do with it; it was a convenient scapegoat. (And fuck you and you're I always need rides bullshit, you should know i don't like to go anywhere I can't get to on my own if the need arose. And fuck you for thinking that Al will leave me he always knew that I did horrible things to people. at least i never slept with his girl without his knowing it you backstabber! I'm done with the stupid misguided childish yelling now. but it really did upset me that you said those things kyle, ive done too much to you and people you/we care about to stand myself, let alone you, being around anytime soon. For that a significant portion of me is sad.)
Me and sophie talked for a bit and haven't talked in a while, so much for her attempted CPR on that one...
My life itsn't progressing and i don't give a fuck i'm too obsessed with Eugenia. Or I guess dreams and idealizations of her. It's hard to look back and say "yes it was me that did those things to someone" I can hardly believe myself capable now. I guess thats suppression for you.
I wish there was a sufficient way to say i'm sorry (and not 'sorry take me back', i'm not that naive) for what I did because I am and I know nothing will ever be good enough and things between us have a nil chance of getting better if I keep bringing up the relationship. Which sucks cause if we ever got back together she'd be plauged with memories... FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK. Why can't I fix things
goddamn blood, all over the keyboard/table... won't have time to clean it up dad is over in the morning for a hike, fuck, need to wear longsleves again, sick of people asking questions; cats? that deep? fucking idiots. doesn't even hurt anymore how can pain be so addicting? I dunno when it started I think I dropped my new knife, it was sharp and i haven't gone a day without reminding myself of that yet.
all i do is hurt myself, made my pinky go numb tonight, but not just physically. I always destroy what I care about, am I so affraid someone will take it from me or do I just deplete things that I come in contact with? I doubt I have so much forethought as to people ever being taken from me so that leaves me with option two, I'm either a horrible person or veryvery misguided and I always seem to know where i'm going so I'm just horrible fuck me, I lose. I ALWAYS lose.
FUCK ALL OF YOU. IM ROTTING AWAY AND I CANT SEE YOUR LOVE!