Their Story
Title: Their Story
Author: clovert
Pairing: yamajima
Rating: PG
Summary: He left, just like that.
A/N: I have so many fics I need to finish but I couldn't stop myself from writing this one (XDD thanks to the new Suju album and their sad songs). I don't like reading sad stories let alone write one, but I did anyway. It's the first time I write in this style too, so it might be kinda messy cus everything's just... implied instead of there. I hope ppl will get the story XDDDD. If anyone wants to throw something at this author, rotten tomatoes accepted, but no rocks though, cus then there would be blood. XDDDDD
~ Ryosuke ~
He left.
Just like that.
The parting message was a text mail saying "ittekimasu ^O^/".
Sometimes I could never understand what's in his mind. Like when he invited me to Papua New Guinea to catch bugs; like when he said he hated the abundance of electric poles in Tokyo.
Like when he said, "I love Yama-chan so much, I'm starting to hate myself."
He has such a childish demeanor, yet his mind is more attentive than anyone I know.
But I'm different. People used to say I'm thickheaded. Maybe that was why I could never keep up. He often left me with way too many questions, yet the next moment he would reassure me that there was nothing I missed. Maybe that was his unique way of being gentle; perhaps even if he explained it, I would never understand.
When he left, we've all been to Kitagawa-san's office to ask for the reason of his sudden departure. Yet the old man just smiled in his grandfatherly way and told us to wait, because he would definitely come back. He knew something that we all didn't and couldn't guess. It was when I realized that Kitagawa-san's mind was even more intricate than Yuto's.
If my pride didn't stop me, I think I would have even went to his house to demand for an answer. But I was scared. Nakajima ba-san and ji-san had always been happy parents, - that was why Yuto had such a cheery aura around him - I was afraid of the possibility of facing their sad and angry faces, asking why I caused their son to change. Or perhaps he already had their permission, because they named him 'Yuto', he was meant to soar.
Maybe I was the only thing tying him down.
And yet, the only thing I will do, is to wait for him here, like the spoilt princess that he groomed me into.
Habit is such a frightening thing.
~ Asaka ~
He said, "Please give me Yamada."
At the time, even as a close friend, it was the first time I've seen him speak like this. The jumpy kid I said I wanted for Christmas present was finally growing up.
He probably doesn't know, even if everyone else said that Yamada relied on me a lot, the truth was, I doted on him more.
Even though I was older by a year, with height advantage of almost a head, Yuto had always been an enigma. He was childish with some odd habits of an old man. He had a joyful personality yet he goes home after school to play with robots all by himself. The stage was his playground, and he had chances to work with dai-senpais like SMAP and TOKIO that other juniors would only dream of. His position at the center of the stage was envied and admired, yet nothing seems to catch his attention for long.
He knew lots of small and random facts, and he was always curious. I always thought Yuto seemed like one of those butterflies that he talked about, fluttering here and there, so beautiful you want to hold it in your hands. But I didn't think anyone had the heart to, because this boy belonged with freedom.
That was why, I was so surprised when he asked me to give him Yamada. I had wondered if he actually knew what he was talking about at the time, but the look in his eyes were even more intense than when he was talking about his favourite food.
When you're a kid, everything seems so simple. It was love or hate, and anything can leave your mouth because it was the true and honest and straightforward feeling of a child. Things like selfishness and inconsideration for others, it all seemed fine because you can be forgiven as a child.
It was the first time he treated me like a rival. He became gentle, he started taking care of people. He gave him the only seat on the train. It was as if he wanted to compete with me even though I was just being brotherly; even though Yamada was technically three months older. Yamada was soft and mellow and unsuspecting of Yuto's efforts, and I watched as they turn into siamese twins.
I left the Jimusho the year they debuted, knowing that there was nothing more I could wait for. If you are chosen, then you are chosen, if you still haven't then your chances are slim. I know that my chance had already passed, and even though the Jimusho would never openly tell you to quit, it was time for me to leave. Go to school, get a good job, live a stable life like my parents wanted me to.
Now that I am a normal person again, those days of dancing on stage seems so far to me. When I see them on TV, it was like they are in another world. And I would sometimes wonder, if the small flower that had been planted during my days there had bloomed yet.
The small flower that butterfly would willingly land on.
~ Hikaru ~
I used to wonder why the Jimusho likes to promote their juniors in pairs. If it was purely about fan-service, wouldn't that reason be too perverse? Since most of us at the time were barely teens. That puzzle never got pierced together until one day our smart Inoo-chan pointed to Yuto in the center of the dance formation and said, "isn't that because they wanted to ground us?"
I looked over and thought, the space beside him does look too empty.
What Inoo-chan said was true though, sometimes I would look at the quiet and stable Kota, and thought of myself and what would happen to me without someone like him around.
The arrival of Yuto was like, an air bomb dropped from above. He was a shine without restraint, mischievousness without fear, the little burst of energy that everyone found endearing. Compared to the previous little kid they had standing in Ya-yah-yah, Yuto was more than a simple display. That was probably the reason why none of us or the senpais thought it weird when the Jimusho placed him at the top.
Then it was the 'chestnut' that entered through an audition on our show. Round face, bowl cut, and kind of dull, I always thought my description of him was accurate. He started at the bottom, and struggled with his horrible dancing. But Yama-chan had a drive. He was the type of person who would set his sight on something and just push by sheer force to get there.
So it was no surprise when the Jimusho decided to place them together, at least that was what I thought. It was the story of the prince meeting the pauper.
But I didn't think anyone meant for this 'accident' to happen. Their roles never switched back, and the prince fell hard for the pauper.
When Yuto came crying to me wishing that he had never known Yama-chan, I thought I saw the lonely child who said he wanted an older brother again.
~ Ryutarou ~
Seeing how they act sometimes makes my blood boil. Sadly I could never beat Ryo-chan's super strength, so if I ever said something he doesn't like to hear, the only thing that will be waiting for me is torture.
Funny how they are two years older than me, yet there are times when they act incredibly naive in my perspective. Maybe it's the overdose of dramas, people tend to think it's mature when they leave things unspoken. But I say, to be frank and willing to talk about things is the way to becoming an adult.
I was there when Yuto pursued love like a fearless super hero, disregarding the world; and Ryo-chan would play the clueless child that ate up his poison like candy. I was there when Ryo-chan finally made his resolve to accept, and the two acted like a married young couple. I was still there when the first fright of uncertainty settled in Yuto, and then he started drowning in his own dark world with his drum. Their relationship is like a merry-go-round. Just taking a look at it makes you dizzy.
But I'm not Dai-chan or Keito, I don't have that capacity to worry about their relationship like they do. Even if I were to say something, they probably won't listen to me. The Leo was too proud, and the Taurus was too stubborn, and I'm just the otoutou who wanted everything to go back to when it was still Heisei brothers.
~ Chinen ~
I never thought things would turn out like this. I hated the way everything seem like a popularity contest.
If I had to point out a source, it was NYC Boys. Not that I'm ungrateful for the chance, but it really feels like I'm a guy going out with two girls at once. No one can be definite of the reasons, but when Jump's activities went down to a trickle, and the lack of singles for over a year, it just all pointed to that.
And Yama-chan and I, were casted in the most awkward roles.
The only difference being: I can still smile on stage, put on a show and then run back to Jump with open arms saying I miss them, but Yama-chan can't.
Although I haven't worked with him for as long as many other people in Jump, but I know that his personality doesn't allow him do things half halfheartedly. Yet it hurts to see him barely able to smile during NYC performances, because everyone agrees that Yama-chan's charm was his happy smile whenever he's on stage.
"He can't get over the fact that N isn't Nakajima." Dai-chan once told me.
It kind of surprised me, because I never thought that was the core of the problem. The way Yama-chan acts always made it seem like Yuto was some kind of childish nuisance. I find it amusing even, watching Yuto get agitated whenever I pretended to fight with him over Yama-chan.
I guess what I missed before Hey!Say!7 was the tag on Yama-chan's back that said 'Nakajima Yuto's property'.
But what I don't understand is, if it's something you've wanted and worked so hard for, how can anyone let go like that?
I'm not them, I haven't seen their entire story and I understand that there are so many things in society to consider, but if its your one chance at happiness in the present, I would have taken it and never let go.
~ Daiki ~
He said, "Dai-chan, I'm scared."
He said, "I'm not sure if it's just a phase for him."
He said, "Yuto is mesmerized by everything, but his attention span is so short."
He said, "I don't know if he has the same passion for me as he does for his drum."
Yama-chan has always been an insecure child. He's one of the prettiest people I know, yet constantly worried about the fat on his body and his slow growth in height. He's Jump's best dancer, yet he freaks out when Jump Band was formed and started practicing on his saxophone.
The last pudding, strawberry cakes from five blocks away, last seat on the train... I've seen the other child laugh for him, cry for him, get angry for him, and yet he is insecure of Yuto being able to keep interest.
That's why they say people in love are blind.
I'm probably one of the few people who know the entire story. It was me that Yama-chan consulted in the beginning after all. And it was also me who first told him "don't do it" when he said that he might actually return the other boy's feelings.
As a friend and senpai, it would be wrong for me to direct them into the difficult path even when I know full well from the beginning that it would be full of bumps and thorns. It was hard enough for any Johnny's celebrity to have a girlfriend, let alone your own team member of the same gender.
I had all the right reasons and logic, but when the fifteen year old Yuto stood in front of me and said, "please
give Yama-chan back to me." I couldn't refuse.
It was the look in his eyes, and the way he used 'give Yama-chan back'. That kind of certainty, I thought maybe, he did have enough power to protect the both of them. I never doubted my ability to judge people.
I gave them my blessings.
But things didn't even progressed to the worst before another problem came up. Yuto wavered, in his self-depreciating ways that initial courage was gone. And he ran away, just like that.
Because people in love are blind.
I know he will come back, because this is just another lesson to be learnt.
Love isn't just one person's efforts.
~ Keito ~
I remember Dai-chan complaining, knowing those two is a misfortune.
I never really thought so though.
Being labelled as the best friend of Nakajima Yuto, I am actually proud, because I got to know a side of him that no one else knew. Not even Yama-chan.
Yuto is an interesting person. He's loud and childish and sometimes obnoxious, yet he has the heart of an attentive teenage girl.
Although he's always praising me for being kind and gentle on the magazines, I think the real gentleman is him. Not that many fans know, but when I first arrived in Johnny's, his was Yuto that my father asked to look after me. Yuto was a good senpai, and I respect him for that even now.
People tend to think that music is our most common language, but more often than not, Yuto would talk about Yama-chan. Talking about the funny things that he did. Sulking about it when they were having petty arguments or asking about what to do because he made the other angry. I think I've became his love adviser before I even realized it.
It was kind of cute even, seeing that side of him.
But all of that seemed such a long time ago.
I was the first one to see the signs, in the darkness of the green room, when he covered his face in his hands and said, "they took me off the next show because of my leg injury."
The pretended childish pout when he said "it feels lonely without Yama-chan and Chinen" never quite masked the dimming light in his eyes.
I've never seen a solar eclipse in my life, but seeing him slamming on his drums in a room without light made it seem like one.
All those TV dramas, when the people would cry and whine about dying because of their lost love, I always thought, it's just love, what's so great about it? At this age I don't expect to feel anything remotely near intense, but when he cried in my arms somewhere near the left side of my chest hurt.
"I hate myself," he said, "because there is nothing I can do for him."
He once told me that his name 'Yuto' means 'wealth' and 'soar', so why is it now that his heart is so robbed of confidence and freedom?
When he decided to leave, I was the only one he informed. He said he needed to breathe. He said his parents and Johnny-san understood and gave him permission. I wanted to yell at him and shake him and ask him what makes him think that he didn't need our permission. But the words died in my throat, because he said, "I don't want to show such an ugly self to Yama-chan."
I think I understand his words now, why it hurts so much when you can't do anything for the one you care about.
~ Yuto ~
On my eleventh birthday, the official wish I made in Johnny's was to have an angel like person to join the Jimusho. Two days later, he appeared.
I've never paid much attention to him at first, it was Asaka who asked him to go home with us during the Seishun Amigo filming. He looked up and smiled, eyes curving into arcs on his pale face. Something hit me like a brick, and I had the urge to hug him like when Raiya asked me to fix his toys in that cute expression.
Things didn't need a reason when you're small, and I wanted him to be something of mine like I wanted that rare butterfly from Papua New Guinea.
So I sulked when Hikaru-nii told me that he made Yama-chan cry at the amusement park, and I got angry at Asaka when I found out that he and Yama-chan rode on the Ferris wheel together during Christmas.
I even did something as stupid as telling my close friend to give me someone who wasn't even his. I felt like I was Superman and all I have to do was push forward for the things I want. Things like society, public, or even the world, it didn't concern me. I only wanted to make him happy, because the grateful smile he would give me and the temperature of his hand in mine always made me feel contented.
Dai-chan always complained that I was spoiling Yama-chan too much, and that he's becoming more and more round with the food and more and more lazy because I would do everything for him. Unconditional doting, he called it. But in my mind it was more like, if Yama-chan became round and lazy then no one would want him but me. If I could, I would probably stick a tag behind his back that said 'Nakajima Yuto's property'. Sometimes, my own thoughts would scare even myself.
When he accepted my affections, we went immediately into a honeymoon phase. I kissed him right there on the green room couch, and probably even now he would blush when reminded of it. We stuck together everyday, and when we didn't see each other, we texted like writing essays. I was walking on clouds. Everything seemed like a dream because it was almost too good to be true.
If I said that I had never been jealous of Yama-chan's fame, I don't think anyone would believe me, but it was true. Because he is so wonderful and he is mine. Nothing really mattered as long as he is beside me.
But I freaked out when he started leaving me behind. School Revolution, those drama specials, and NYC, they gave me a real sense of fear that I've never experienced. The question, 'what if I'm not good enough for him' never crossed my mind before. When I turn around in class, my heart feels as empty as the desk behind me. I can see those dark circles under his eyes, the bruises from filming, the headaches from the lack of sleep, as well as that wavering smile. I would smile and let him nap on me. But what can I really, possibly do for him?
Nothing.
I can always say I'll work hard, I'll work harder. But this isn't something that can be solved by just me working harder. Some opportunities doesn't come around twice.
The truth is, I'm not Superman, I don't even have the power to protect the two of us. That perfect box I've built around us without the rest of the world is collapsing. And I drown myself in the sound of the drums because I don't want to hear the sounds of that box breaking.
I only wanted to give him the best things in the world.
I wanted to be brave like those main characters in the movies, to have the courage to just take their lover's hands and run forward. But I am shackled, and he's so far away from me.
I'm so flawed at this moment, I can't do it. I don't even want him to see me like this right now.
With him I put on a front, when I get back home, I want to shut myself up in my room and break everything in my possession. Everyone could see that I have a problem except him. And I don't want him to know, I'm afraid one day I wouldn't be able to stop myself from voicing out those angry and nasty thoughts in my head.
He was the last thing I wanted to hurt.
Ne Yama-chan, I love you so much that I hate myself, because there is nothing I can do for you.
Author: clovert
Pairing: yamajima
Rating: PG
Summary: He left, just like that.
A/N: I have so many fics I need to finish but I couldn't stop myself from writing this one (XDD thanks to the new Suju album and their sad songs). I don't like reading sad stories let alone write one, but I did anyway. It's the first time I write in this style too, so it might be kinda messy cus everything's just... implied instead of there. I hope ppl will get the story XDDDD. If anyone wants to throw something at this author, rotten tomatoes accepted, but no rocks though, cus then there would be blood. XDDDDD
~ Ryosuke ~
He left.
Just like that.
The parting message was a text mail saying "ittekimasu ^O^/".
Sometimes I could never understand what's in his mind. Like when he invited me to Papua New Guinea to catch bugs; like when he said he hated the abundance of electric poles in Tokyo.
Like when he said, "I love Yama-chan so much, I'm starting to hate myself."
He has such a childish demeanor, yet his mind is more attentive than anyone I know.
But I'm different. People used to say I'm thickheaded. Maybe that was why I could never keep up. He often left me with way too many questions, yet the next moment he would reassure me that there was nothing I missed. Maybe that was his unique way of being gentle; perhaps even if he explained it, I would never understand.
When he left, we've all been to Kitagawa-san's office to ask for the reason of his sudden departure. Yet the old man just smiled in his grandfatherly way and told us to wait, because he would definitely come back. He knew something that we all didn't and couldn't guess. It was when I realized that Kitagawa-san's mind was even more intricate than Yuto's.
If my pride didn't stop me, I think I would have even went to his house to demand for an answer. But I was scared. Nakajima ba-san and ji-san had always been happy parents, - that was why Yuto had such a cheery aura around him - I was afraid of the possibility of facing their sad and angry faces, asking why I caused their son to change. Or perhaps he already had their permission, because they named him 'Yuto', he was meant to soar.
Maybe I was the only thing tying him down.
And yet, the only thing I will do, is to wait for him here, like the spoilt princess that he groomed me into.
Habit is such a frightening thing.
~ Asaka ~
He said, "Please give me Yamada."
At the time, even as a close friend, it was the first time I've seen him speak like this. The jumpy kid I said I wanted for Christmas present was finally growing up.
He probably doesn't know, even if everyone else said that Yamada relied on me a lot, the truth was, I doted on him more.
Even though I was older by a year, with height advantage of almost a head, Yuto had always been an enigma. He was childish with some odd habits of an old man. He had a joyful personality yet he goes home after school to play with robots all by himself. The stage was his playground, and he had chances to work with dai-senpais like SMAP and TOKIO that other juniors would only dream of. His position at the center of the stage was envied and admired, yet nothing seems to catch his attention for long.
He knew lots of small and random facts, and he was always curious. I always thought Yuto seemed like one of those butterflies that he talked about, fluttering here and there, so beautiful you want to hold it in your hands. But I didn't think anyone had the heart to, because this boy belonged with freedom.
That was why, I was so surprised when he asked me to give him Yamada. I had wondered if he actually knew what he was talking about at the time, but the look in his eyes were even more intense than when he was talking about his favourite food.
When you're a kid, everything seems so simple. It was love or hate, and anything can leave your mouth because it was the true and honest and straightforward feeling of a child. Things like selfishness and inconsideration for others, it all seemed fine because you can be forgiven as a child.
It was the first time he treated me like a rival. He became gentle, he started taking care of people. He gave him the only seat on the train. It was as if he wanted to compete with me even though I was just being brotherly; even though Yamada was technically three months older. Yamada was soft and mellow and unsuspecting of Yuto's efforts, and I watched as they turn into siamese twins.
I left the Jimusho the year they debuted, knowing that there was nothing more I could wait for. If you are chosen, then you are chosen, if you still haven't then your chances are slim. I know that my chance had already passed, and even though the Jimusho would never openly tell you to quit, it was time for me to leave. Go to school, get a good job, live a stable life like my parents wanted me to.
Now that I am a normal person again, those days of dancing on stage seems so far to me. When I see them on TV, it was like they are in another world. And I would sometimes wonder, if the small flower that had been planted during my days there had bloomed yet.
The small flower that butterfly would willingly land on.
~ Hikaru ~
I used to wonder why the Jimusho likes to promote their juniors in pairs. If it was purely about fan-service, wouldn't that reason be too perverse? Since most of us at the time were barely teens. That puzzle never got pierced together until one day our smart Inoo-chan pointed to Yuto in the center of the dance formation and said, "isn't that because they wanted to ground us?"
I looked over and thought, the space beside him does look too empty.
What Inoo-chan said was true though, sometimes I would look at the quiet and stable Kota, and thought of myself and what would happen to me without someone like him around.
The arrival of Yuto was like, an air bomb dropped from above. He was a shine without restraint, mischievousness without fear, the little burst of energy that everyone found endearing. Compared to the previous little kid they had standing in Ya-yah-yah, Yuto was more than a simple display. That was probably the reason why none of us or the senpais thought it weird when the Jimusho placed him at the top.
Then it was the 'chestnut' that entered through an audition on our show. Round face, bowl cut, and kind of dull, I always thought my description of him was accurate. He started at the bottom, and struggled with his horrible dancing. But Yama-chan had a drive. He was the type of person who would set his sight on something and just push by sheer force to get there.
So it was no surprise when the Jimusho decided to place them together, at least that was what I thought. It was the story of the prince meeting the pauper.
But I didn't think anyone meant for this 'accident' to happen. Their roles never switched back, and the prince fell hard for the pauper.
When Yuto came crying to me wishing that he had never known Yama-chan, I thought I saw the lonely child who said he wanted an older brother again.
~ Ryutarou ~
Seeing how they act sometimes makes my blood boil. Sadly I could never beat Ryo-chan's super strength, so if I ever said something he doesn't like to hear, the only thing that will be waiting for me is torture.
Funny how they are two years older than me, yet there are times when they act incredibly naive in my perspective. Maybe it's the overdose of dramas, people tend to think it's mature when they leave things unspoken. But I say, to be frank and willing to talk about things is the way to becoming an adult.
I was there when Yuto pursued love like a fearless super hero, disregarding the world; and Ryo-chan would play the clueless child that ate up his poison like candy. I was there when Ryo-chan finally made his resolve to accept, and the two acted like a married young couple. I was still there when the first fright of uncertainty settled in Yuto, and then he started drowning in his own dark world with his drum. Their relationship is like a merry-go-round. Just taking a look at it makes you dizzy.
But I'm not Dai-chan or Keito, I don't have that capacity to worry about their relationship like they do. Even if I were to say something, they probably won't listen to me. The Leo was too proud, and the Taurus was too stubborn, and I'm just the otoutou who wanted everything to go back to when it was still Heisei brothers.
~ Chinen ~
I never thought things would turn out like this. I hated the way everything seem like a popularity contest.
If I had to point out a source, it was NYC Boys. Not that I'm ungrateful for the chance, but it really feels like I'm a guy going out with two girls at once. No one can be definite of the reasons, but when Jump's activities went down to a trickle, and the lack of singles for over a year, it just all pointed to that.
And Yama-chan and I, were casted in the most awkward roles.
The only difference being: I can still smile on stage, put on a show and then run back to Jump with open arms saying I miss them, but Yama-chan can't.
Although I haven't worked with him for as long as many other people in Jump, but I know that his personality doesn't allow him do things half halfheartedly. Yet it hurts to see him barely able to smile during NYC performances, because everyone agrees that Yama-chan's charm was his happy smile whenever he's on stage.
"He can't get over the fact that N isn't Nakajima." Dai-chan once told me.
It kind of surprised me, because I never thought that was the core of the problem. The way Yama-chan acts always made it seem like Yuto was some kind of childish nuisance. I find it amusing even, watching Yuto get agitated whenever I pretended to fight with him over Yama-chan.
I guess what I missed before Hey!Say!7 was the tag on Yama-chan's back that said 'Nakajima Yuto's property'.
But what I don't understand is, if it's something you've wanted and worked so hard for, how can anyone let go like that?
I'm not them, I haven't seen their entire story and I understand that there are so many things in society to consider, but if its your one chance at happiness in the present, I would have taken it and never let go.
~ Daiki ~
He said, "Dai-chan, I'm scared."
He said, "I'm not sure if it's just a phase for him."
He said, "Yuto is mesmerized by everything, but his attention span is so short."
He said, "I don't know if he has the same passion for me as he does for his drum."
Yama-chan has always been an insecure child. He's one of the prettiest people I know, yet constantly worried about the fat on his body and his slow growth in height. He's Jump's best dancer, yet he freaks out when Jump Band was formed and started practicing on his saxophone.
The last pudding, strawberry cakes from five blocks away, last seat on the train... I've seen the other child laugh for him, cry for him, get angry for him, and yet he is insecure of Yuto being able to keep interest.
That's why they say people in love are blind.
I'm probably one of the few people who know the entire story. It was me that Yama-chan consulted in the beginning after all. And it was also me who first told him "don't do it" when he said that he might actually return the other boy's feelings.
As a friend and senpai, it would be wrong for me to direct them into the difficult path even when I know full well from the beginning that it would be full of bumps and thorns. It was hard enough for any Johnny's celebrity to have a girlfriend, let alone your own team member of the same gender.
I had all the right reasons and logic, but when the fifteen year old Yuto stood in front of me and said, "please
give Yama-chan back to me." I couldn't refuse.
It was the look in his eyes, and the way he used 'give Yama-chan back'. That kind of certainty, I thought maybe, he did have enough power to protect the both of them. I never doubted my ability to judge people.
I gave them my blessings.
But things didn't even progressed to the worst before another problem came up. Yuto wavered, in his self-depreciating ways that initial courage was gone. And he ran away, just like that.
Because people in love are blind.
I know he will come back, because this is just another lesson to be learnt.
Love isn't just one person's efforts.
~ Keito ~
I remember Dai-chan complaining, knowing those two is a misfortune.
I never really thought so though.
Being labelled as the best friend of Nakajima Yuto, I am actually proud, because I got to know a side of him that no one else knew. Not even Yama-chan.
Yuto is an interesting person. He's loud and childish and sometimes obnoxious, yet he has the heart of an attentive teenage girl.
Although he's always praising me for being kind and gentle on the magazines, I think the real gentleman is him. Not that many fans know, but when I first arrived in Johnny's, his was Yuto that my father asked to look after me. Yuto was a good senpai, and I respect him for that even now.
People tend to think that music is our most common language, but more often than not, Yuto would talk about Yama-chan. Talking about the funny things that he did. Sulking about it when they were having petty arguments or asking about what to do because he made the other angry. I think I've became his love adviser before I even realized it.
It was kind of cute even, seeing that side of him.
But all of that seemed such a long time ago.
I was the first one to see the signs, in the darkness of the green room, when he covered his face in his hands and said, "they took me off the next show because of my leg injury."
The pretended childish pout when he said "it feels lonely without Yama-chan and Chinen" never quite masked the dimming light in his eyes.
I've never seen a solar eclipse in my life, but seeing him slamming on his drums in a room without light made it seem like one.
All those TV dramas, when the people would cry and whine about dying because of their lost love, I always thought, it's just love, what's so great about it? At this age I don't expect to feel anything remotely near intense, but when he cried in my arms somewhere near the left side of my chest hurt.
"I hate myself," he said, "because there is nothing I can do for him."
He once told me that his name 'Yuto' means 'wealth' and 'soar', so why is it now that his heart is so robbed of confidence and freedom?
When he decided to leave, I was the only one he informed. He said he needed to breathe. He said his parents and Johnny-san understood and gave him permission. I wanted to yell at him and shake him and ask him what makes him think that he didn't need our permission. But the words died in my throat, because he said, "I don't want to show such an ugly self to Yama-chan."
I think I understand his words now, why it hurts so much when you can't do anything for the one you care about.
~ Yuto ~
On my eleventh birthday, the official wish I made in Johnny's was to have an angel like person to join the Jimusho. Two days later, he appeared.
I've never paid much attention to him at first, it was Asaka who asked him to go home with us during the Seishun Amigo filming. He looked up and smiled, eyes curving into arcs on his pale face. Something hit me like a brick, and I had the urge to hug him like when Raiya asked me to fix his toys in that cute expression.
Things didn't need a reason when you're small, and I wanted him to be something of mine like I wanted that rare butterfly from Papua New Guinea.
So I sulked when Hikaru-nii told me that he made Yama-chan cry at the amusement park, and I got angry at Asaka when I found out that he and Yama-chan rode on the Ferris wheel together during Christmas.
I even did something as stupid as telling my close friend to give me someone who wasn't even his. I felt like I was Superman and all I have to do was push forward for the things I want. Things like society, public, or even the world, it didn't concern me. I only wanted to make him happy, because the grateful smile he would give me and the temperature of his hand in mine always made me feel contented.
Dai-chan always complained that I was spoiling Yama-chan too much, and that he's becoming more and more round with the food and more and more lazy because I would do everything for him. Unconditional doting, he called it. But in my mind it was more like, if Yama-chan became round and lazy then no one would want him but me. If I could, I would probably stick a tag behind his back that said 'Nakajima Yuto's property'. Sometimes, my own thoughts would scare even myself.
When he accepted my affections, we went immediately into a honeymoon phase. I kissed him right there on the green room couch, and probably even now he would blush when reminded of it. We stuck together everyday, and when we didn't see each other, we texted like writing essays. I was walking on clouds. Everything seemed like a dream because it was almost too good to be true.
If I said that I had never been jealous of Yama-chan's fame, I don't think anyone would believe me, but it was true. Because he is so wonderful and he is mine. Nothing really mattered as long as he is beside me.
But I freaked out when he started leaving me behind. School Revolution, those drama specials, and NYC, they gave me a real sense of fear that I've never experienced. The question, 'what if I'm not good enough for him' never crossed my mind before. When I turn around in class, my heart feels as empty as the desk behind me. I can see those dark circles under his eyes, the bruises from filming, the headaches from the lack of sleep, as well as that wavering smile. I would smile and let him nap on me. But what can I really, possibly do for him?
Nothing.
I can always say I'll work hard, I'll work harder. But this isn't something that can be solved by just me working harder. Some opportunities doesn't come around twice.
The truth is, I'm not Superman, I don't even have the power to protect the two of us. That perfect box I've built around us without the rest of the world is collapsing. And I drown myself in the sound of the drums because I don't want to hear the sounds of that box breaking.
I only wanted to give him the best things in the world.
I wanted to be brave like those main characters in the movies, to have the courage to just take their lover's hands and run forward. But I am shackled, and he's so far away from me.
I'm so flawed at this moment, I can't do it. I don't even want him to see me like this right now.
With him I put on a front, when I get back home, I want to shut myself up in my room and break everything in my possession. Everyone could see that I have a problem except him. And I don't want him to know, I'm afraid one day I wouldn't be able to stop myself from voicing out those angry and nasty thoughts in my head.
He was the last thing I wanted to hurt.
Ne Yama-chan, I love you so much that I hate myself, because there is nothing I can do for you.