this sucks
i'm on summer vacation, and i don't have anything to do. i almost never get to go online and do things like update my journal, check my email, or go check out gaia. i can't stand it.
i have been thinking a lot lately about whether my boyfriend and i are too serious too fast. we have only been dating about 6 months and are already planning our wedding and honeymoon. maybe it's just me, but i think this is a bit much. it just makes it that much harder to wait, like when you know Christmas is the next morning so it is 10 times harder to sleep on Christmas Eve than any other night, and seems about 10 times as long as most nights.
Also, he gets more physical as time goes on, and even though he used to agree with me that sex should wait until marriage, he got me to compromise that a lot, stopping just short of sex. and he was starting to reason that since we know we will get married, we are basically married now. so it gets really hard to say no to him, even though i know i don't want to have sex.
so i called him 2 nights ago and told him we needed to slow down a bit and not be so serious so fast. he is afraid that what i really mean is that i want to break up. it isn't, honestly. I love him SOOOOOOOOO much and i never want to break up with him. i WANT to marry him...i just don't want things to go the way they have been. i shouldn't have to feel guilty about things i do in this relationship. i should be able to be happy and feel that the relationship is good for every part of my life. it's not good if it takes me away from God and causes me to do things i don't want to do. i know it's not his fault...i just let things get too out of hand. i should have worked to keep up my principles and not give in.
so i want to start over, but i am so depressed and scared now that he will want to break up with me because HE is also scared...i don't want to lose him, and i hate that i hurt him with all of this.
i really wanted to cut last night, because i was so angry at myself, and sad with my decision, and confused about what to do next, but i didn't because i know(mostly thanks to him) that that achieves nothing, and also that would make him more sad, and i DON'T want to do that.
one of the counselors at the job he's working at(and i wanted to) may have to leave, so i may be getting a call(i'm an alternate for the job). i would love to go, but i don't know if i can. after all the time my boss here waited for my answer about whether or not i would be here this summer, i can't just leave. that isn't fair to her. but at the same time, i would love to go...i don't know what to do, and i am just hoping it works itself out so that i don't have to decide.
it's just like everything with doug now. neither of us knows how to act, because we've been so close for so long...it's frustrating. i still want to be close, to be the same way as we were before...but it seems hard, somehow. we're both hurting from this, and it seems wierd to me to just talk normally with him, like i should be talking about us and whether everything is ok. because he doesn't seem ok, and i know i'm not. i'm upset, and i want to be with him so badly and i woke up this morning crying because things are different now, even though we're still dating. i love him so much...i just want everything to be normal again.
well, i guess that's about it. i'm gonna take off now. thanks for reading if you did. bye for now.
i have been thinking a lot lately about whether my boyfriend and i are too serious too fast. we have only been dating about 6 months and are already planning our wedding and honeymoon. maybe it's just me, but i think this is a bit much. it just makes it that much harder to wait, like when you know Christmas is the next morning so it is 10 times harder to sleep on Christmas Eve than any other night, and seems about 10 times as long as most nights.
Also, he gets more physical as time goes on, and even though he used to agree with me that sex should wait until marriage, he got me to compromise that a lot, stopping just short of sex. and he was starting to reason that since we know we will get married, we are basically married now. so it gets really hard to say no to him, even though i know i don't want to have sex.
so i called him 2 nights ago and told him we needed to slow down a bit and not be so serious so fast. he is afraid that what i really mean is that i want to break up. it isn't, honestly. I love him SOOOOOOOOO much and i never want to break up with him. i WANT to marry him...i just don't want things to go the way they have been. i shouldn't have to feel guilty about things i do in this relationship. i should be able to be happy and feel that the relationship is good for every part of my life. it's not good if it takes me away from God and causes me to do things i don't want to do. i know it's not his fault...i just let things get too out of hand. i should have worked to keep up my principles and not give in.
so i want to start over, but i am so depressed and scared now that he will want to break up with me because HE is also scared...i don't want to lose him, and i hate that i hurt him with all of this.
i really wanted to cut last night, because i was so angry at myself, and sad with my decision, and confused about what to do next, but i didn't because i know(mostly thanks to him) that that achieves nothing, and also that would make him more sad, and i DON'T want to do that.
one of the counselors at the job he's working at(and i wanted to) may have to leave, so i may be getting a call(i'm an alternate for the job). i would love to go, but i don't know if i can. after all the time my boss here waited for my answer about whether or not i would be here this summer, i can't just leave. that isn't fair to her. but at the same time, i would love to go...i don't know what to do, and i am just hoping it works itself out so that i don't have to decide.
it's just like everything with doug now. neither of us knows how to act, because we've been so close for so long...it's frustrating. i still want to be close, to be the same way as we were before...but it seems hard, somehow. we're both hurting from this, and it seems wierd to me to just talk normally with him, like i should be talking about us and whether everything is ok. because he doesn't seem ok, and i know i'm not. i'm upset, and i want to be with him so badly and i woke up this morning crying because things are different now, even though we're still dating. i love him so much...i just want everything to be normal again.
well, i guess that's about it. i'm gonna take off now. thanks for reading if you did. bye for now.