Happy New Year

[clover_brush]

Title: Happy New Year
Fandom/Original: Original
Pairing(s): None
Rating: PG-13
Warning(s): Suicide and mild language.
Summary: When my body is revealed to her, she would break down. Her aged hand would fly to her painted lips and she would begin to choke on a sob.
NotesThis was actually a second idea that I had for a New Year's one-shot. I had

Comments

[pyrrhic_battles]

Overall I liked this. I liked the idea of it, and the way that you structured it. I'll just nitpick a few things really quickly, I swear.

Deciding it’s nothing of importance, she jumps off the couch and removes himself from blocking my view.

Himself? This is a female cat, no?

...but I’m afraid a reminder like that would have come too late. I’ll be cold by the time it reaches me...

The "would have" seems really out of place here. Perhaps it's just me, but I'd replace it with "will".

Her hand aged hand...

???

She would have demanded the coroner to know my cause of death...

This makes it sound like she's demanding that he know it, not demanding that he share it, which might be what you were going for anyway. You may smite me if that's the case.

She’d protest that I was a happy child, even when my father died at the age of thirty-four when I was only nine, I managed to keep smiling.

This needs some kind of break, somewhere. It's a run-on, and I don't see it as being a stylistic move.

My hand has released the near-empty bottles I was clutching so desperately in my left hand.

Perhaps there's some way you could avoid saying "hand" twice?

Let’s see you sell this place now. It will be mine forever, won’t it?

My personal favorite line (or two). I really like where this part appeared in the story.

Some dived beneath me as though aiding their kind in lifting me from this place. Others hid away beneath the coffee table as if ashamed of what they were doing to me.

Also very awesome. Personification is very nearly always good, but characterizing the pills themselves as murderers or at least "assistants", as you said, was excellent.

I’m “watching” the TV again.

I even really like just the simple addition of quotation marks. Apparently I really liked this whole section. Heheh.

I could hold their hands and be bouncing about in the crowd; staring up at the mystical ball that now holds my life with its descent.

I think that a comma would be more fitting than a semicolon here. I know. I'm rabid.

The whole rest of it I really like. Stirring up hope and then killing it, with the ups and downs of the pills' influence as well... ah, yes, I like this. ^ ^