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[x posted]
So, I never actually thought I'd have to write an entry like this.
After eight years in this hellish place, I finally found peace with the friends that I have. I've finally found a comfortable peace inside of myself where everything stopped falling apart. I've finally accepted myself for the person I am, who I've become, and where I'm going. I've finally found an incredible man to to laugh with, to start slow with, to make something special with. I've finally found mental and emotional stability away from all the bullshit. I've finally found the sense of humor I've needed all my life to make fun of my imperfections and to help me realize that I am a human being, that I have flaws, and that these flaws are accepted by the people I love. I've had a lot of people in my life come and go. Some have stayed, and those friends I am truly grateful for.
And now, I'm leaving. I really don't know what to make of it. I thought that I'd have more time to prepare. If I don't leave on Tuesday for school, I'm getting kicked out of my house. It's either go to school on Tuesday, or be homeless. So, really... I have no option right now. I honestly thought that I'd have a bit more time to patch things up with people and prepare myself for life, but no. Maybe it'll be better this way. Who knows. All I know is that I'm getting the fuck out of here.
I've had so many amazing people in my life over the past few years, but... one stands out, in particular, and we all know who he is. Justin, you are my light in the darkest shadows of my life. You are the greatest person I've ever known, my rock in the river, my shoulder to cry on, my best friend... You've changed me more than any person I've ever met and you will always hold a special place in my heart, as a person and as a confidante, and most of all, as my friend. "You've been there through the ups and downs, through the thick and the thin, and whenever I lose myself, you bring it back to me again." You saw me at my best and worst. You helped me become the person that I am today. You shone light on parts of myself that I never even knew existed, and you taught me how to embrace those things. You are the one person I can call in the middle of the night who knows exactly what's wrong before I even open my mouth. You always know what to say and you're never afraid to say it, and I'm grateful for that. We'll be friends forever. "And that's probably because I couldn't get rid of you, anyway." Well, in this case, you're damn right. Your little midget is growing up, eh? You better be at my graduation with your arms wide fucking open, because seeing you smile and being able to wrap my arms around the one person I've trusted and loved completely will be congratulations enough for me.
So, yeah... looks like... I'm leaving on Tuesday. No more hearing the door slam. No more getting called a worthless bitch. No more dealing with these people who pretend to actually give a shit about me. No more tears. No more crying. No more feeling like I don't belong. No more faking smiles, no more hostility, no more of this place that we call "family" and "home". I'm going to miss my mom and my brother terribly, but that's to be expected. No more hearing screams from the other side of the house about how I'm the most worthless, childish piece of shit to roam the planet. No more feeling like the only option out is a swift slice to each wrist. No more pretending I'm less fucked up than I am, because, let's face it... I'm not exactly the sanest person in the world, especially when it comes to living in this place. No more cringing. No more wincing. No more feeling like, hey... I'm going to die tonight, and I don't feel quite so bad about it.
Yes, I'm admitting it fully. My life fucking sucks, and I hate it here. I hate living in this place. I am afraid to come home because of what I hear through the walls. I'm afraid for myself and for my family. I'm paranoid as fuck. I can never sleep. I never feel good enough for anybody.
Whatever. I've got a lot of shit to do and a lot of people to spend time with before I go, so if you want to see me before I leave, call my cell or leave me a message here. I'll be back in about a month or so to visit on a weekend, maybe. Depends on if anyone's willing to drive to New London to pick me up, but we'll see. Maybe I'll spend the next however many months forgetting everything that I left behind here. But, I'll be back eventually, and I'll pick up the pieces.
So, I never actually thought I'd have to write an entry like this.
After eight years in this hellish place, I finally found peace with the friends that I have. I've finally found a comfortable peace inside of myself where everything stopped falling apart. I've finally accepted myself for the person I am, who I've become, and where I'm going. I've finally found an incredible man to to laugh with, to start slow with, to make something special with. I've finally found mental and emotional stability away from all the bullshit. I've finally found the sense of humor I've needed all my life to make fun of my imperfections and to help me realize that I am a human being, that I have flaws, and that these flaws are accepted by the people I love. I've had a lot of people in my life come and go. Some have stayed, and those friends I am truly grateful for.
And now, I'm leaving. I really don't know what to make of it. I thought that I'd have more time to prepare. If I don't leave on Tuesday for school, I'm getting kicked out of my house. It's either go to school on Tuesday, or be homeless. So, really... I have no option right now. I honestly thought that I'd have a bit more time to patch things up with people and prepare myself for life, but no. Maybe it'll be better this way. Who knows. All I know is that I'm getting the fuck out of here.
I've had so many amazing people in my life over the past few years, but... one stands out, in particular, and we all know who he is. Justin, you are my light in the darkest shadows of my life. You are the greatest person I've ever known, my rock in the river, my shoulder to cry on, my best friend... You've changed me more than any person I've ever met and you will always hold a special place in my heart, as a person and as a confidante, and most of all, as my friend. "You've been there through the ups and downs, through the thick and the thin, and whenever I lose myself, you bring it back to me again." You saw me at my best and worst. You helped me become the person that I am today. You shone light on parts of myself that I never even knew existed, and you taught me how to embrace those things. You are the one person I can call in the middle of the night who knows exactly what's wrong before I even open my mouth. You always know what to say and you're never afraid to say it, and I'm grateful for that. We'll be friends forever. "And that's probably because I couldn't get rid of you, anyway." Well, in this case, you're damn right. Your little midget is growing up, eh? You better be at my graduation with your arms wide fucking open, because seeing you smile and being able to wrap my arms around the one person I've trusted and loved completely will be congratulations enough for me.
So, yeah... looks like... I'm leaving on Tuesday. No more hearing the door slam. No more getting called a worthless bitch. No more dealing with these people who pretend to actually give a shit about me. No more tears. No more crying. No more feeling like I don't belong. No more faking smiles, no more hostility, no more of this place that we call "family" and "home". I'm going to miss my mom and my brother terribly, but that's to be expected. No more hearing screams from the other side of the house about how I'm the most worthless, childish piece of shit to roam the planet. No more feeling like the only option out is a swift slice to each wrist. No more pretending I'm less fucked up than I am, because, let's face it... I'm not exactly the sanest person in the world, especially when it comes to living in this place. No more cringing. No more wincing. No more feeling like, hey... I'm going to die tonight, and I don't feel quite so bad about it.
Yes, I'm admitting it fully. My life fucking sucks, and I hate it here. I hate living in this place. I am afraid to come home because of what I hear through the walls. I'm afraid for myself and for my family. I'm paranoid as fuck. I can never sleep. I never feel good enough for anybody.
Whatever. I've got a lot of shit to do and a lot of people to spend time with before I go, so if you want to see me before I leave, call my cell or leave me a message here. I'll be back in about a month or so to visit on a weekend, maybe. Depends on if anyone's willing to drive to New London to pick me up, but we'll see. Maybe I'll spend the next however many months forgetting everything that I left behind here. But, I'll be back eventually, and I'll pick up the pieces.