manila is scary because it brings back all the bad memories, all the feeling that you thought you...
it's 9am.i dont know why i woke up this early.i was planning to sleep the whole day(ok maybe not the whole day, because my friends and i planned on meeting later after lunch), but i know you get what i mean.sleep is a luxury these days, not the iam-so-busy-i-dont-have-time-to-sleep type but the other type, the one that iam sure all of you have experienced/experiencing, the i-cant-sleep-because-iam-thinking-about-lots-of-things type.
and it sucks you know.iam on vacation, who the hell gets depressed when they are having their vacation?NO ONE!!and waking up at 9am, on a saturday is urrghhhhh! ! !
i drank wine by myself again last night and when it was almost finished, i cant remember how or at what point but i think i drifted off to sleep(with everything on the bed, laptop, chips, mobile, pictures)i was so happy everytime i opened my eyes(to find the blanket, to change from lying on my stomach to lying on my side with my back on the wall(i love the coldness of the wall when its raining!))it was like i won again, i somehow wanted to give the goddess of sleep(if there is one)the finger, BECAUSE I WAS SLEEPING!
and then, i woke up.
at 9oclock in the morning.
so here iam inside my parents' room(you dont have any idea how many times i prayed really hard to time travel and go here just to sit or read books or sleep on a rainy day when i was too exahusted on the ship)this exact scenario was my strength back then, one of the happy memories that i was so delighted to play over and over again to keep me from going insane or breaking down or killing guests.it gives total bliss and peace of mind.
and now that iam here i think its scary.
it's scary because after only 14 days, i figured out yet again that manila can eat you alive.what bothers me alot is because i used to know that!!! that was the exact reason why i wanted to leave 2 years ago, i just somehow forgot about it because i was so busy trying to be sane when i was away, and when youre trying not to loose your mind you think about happy things,moments that can make you smile.you dont think about how you were sad back home, how stagnant your life feels, how lots of people broke your heart, how you need to use drugs or get really pissed drunk to make you happy or give you the luxury that is sleep.
it's not even nostalgia, it is something greater, so great that i think i need to visit a shrink.
manila bring back feelings, old love, disappointments and small pieces of my heart that fell down long time ago.
all of which i thought i already forgot.
this room reminds me of how i would wake up on a rainy day, lock the door and cry.or listen and smell the rain.or read a book to make time pass really fast. or just stare at the ceiling to try and figure out where my life was heading, or just smoke till i was so sick of smoking already, or how i would get my notebook and try to draw something, or write something that makes sense(just like now)
i dont know if i even want to start talking about my room, because that ladies and gentlemen is another story(a very long one!)
my room(which is now painted blue) saw me go through a whole lot, it saw ex-boyfriends come and go, friends sleeping over, it saw beers, gin and whisky.it saw me feeling really afraid when i first heard that i was finally leaving.it saw me packed my things into boxes.it saw me cry and go insane.
AND IT SHOWED ME THOSE EXACT THINGS EVERYTIME IAM IN THERE SINCE I GOT BACK.
it has a built in projector you see.it makes me see everything, makes me feel everything again.
things that just 14days ago i thought i already forgot.hidden beneath lots and lots of layers of memories.i was so wrong.
you see, i thought i was a changed person already, the things that happened to me during the duration of my first contract usually happen to a 60yearold person's life and those was his whole life already, not just a fraction of it, it is the summary of his whole boring life.and i thought it was different for me, because those things, the emotions, the things that happened, the people, the places, everything happened for 8 months, such a short time for grand things to happen.
i didnt have any choice but to cope, to accept and to sadly move on.
i kept my head up high and fought.i thought i succeeded.
but i didnt.
because iam here again.feeling everything again.just like i never left.
iam not sure if i want to leave just to see if these things i realized are true.or i want to leave because i cannot stand manila anymore.or maybe i want to leave to runaway again, keep my fingers crossed that when i go back all the problems will go away.
and i know it wont.
because happiness is a state of mind.
what you set your mind into, your heart and body will follow.
i think that being alone helps alot(alone not in your room in manila), but alone in a different place.you get to face reality, you cant run in your room(you dont have your own room, you just go in the toilet in your cabin to smoke and cry quietly) to mope and cry(because you signed a contract that says you will work for the company for 8 months(even if you feel sad, even if you feel very sick and really tired you dont have any choice but to work!)).that is when you will realize that the only thing you can do is face the problem, try to solve the problem, or you can just give up on the thought that you can conquer and solve the problem, and then you will just give up, move on and shout at the universe "WHAT OTHER BAD THINGS CAN YOU DO?!GIVE THEM ALL NOW!".and you will feel proud, one problem off your list, 1 million more to go.
but here, in manila it is different.we are used to living in comfort.we are used to our own rooms where we can kill ourselves by smoking too much or damage our ears because of the very loud music we are playing so that the parents/brothers wont hear us crying our hearts out,we are used to our friends who call us immediately when we send them sms that we are very lonely.we have parents who feel that we are at the very low point of our lives again, they ask us what we want, they ask us lots of stupid things(just to have a conversation), most importantly they ask us to come with them at this place, while the storm is raging really hard, just to have tea(tea and sympathy?) and chocolate crepe.
suddenly you will feel really weak and vulnerable.
you will realize you are not that strong after all.
whatever.
i guess what iam really trying to say is, IAM SO TIRED OF DRINKING AND GETTING DRUNK EVERYNIGHT!
please give me something to do.
p.s.
nick hornby's "a long way down" helps a little bit.
p.p.s.
lets get drunk again tonight!
and it sucks you know.iam on vacation, who the hell gets depressed when they are having their vacation?NO ONE!!and waking up at 9am, on a saturday is urrghhhhh! ! !
i drank wine by myself again last night and when it was almost finished, i cant remember how or at what point but i think i drifted off to sleep(with everything on the bed, laptop, chips, mobile, pictures)i was so happy everytime i opened my eyes(to find the blanket, to change from lying on my stomach to lying on my side with my back on the wall(i love the coldness of the wall when its raining!))it was like i won again, i somehow wanted to give the goddess of sleep(if there is one)the finger, BECAUSE I WAS SLEEPING!
and then, i woke up.
at 9oclock in the morning.
so here iam inside my parents' room(you dont have any idea how many times i prayed really hard to time travel and go here just to sit or read books or sleep on a rainy day when i was too exahusted on the ship)this exact scenario was my strength back then, one of the happy memories that i was so delighted to play over and over again to keep me from going insane or breaking down or killing guests.it gives total bliss and peace of mind.
and now that iam here i think its scary.
it's scary because after only 14 days, i figured out yet again that manila can eat you alive.what bothers me alot is because i used to know that!!! that was the exact reason why i wanted to leave 2 years ago, i just somehow forgot about it because i was so busy trying to be sane when i was away, and when youre trying not to loose your mind you think about happy things,moments that can make you smile.you dont think about how you were sad back home, how stagnant your life feels, how lots of people broke your heart, how you need to use drugs or get really pissed drunk to make you happy or give you the luxury that is sleep.
it's not even nostalgia, it is something greater, so great that i think i need to visit a shrink.
manila bring back feelings, old love, disappointments and small pieces of my heart that fell down long time ago.
all of which i thought i already forgot.
this room reminds me of how i would wake up on a rainy day, lock the door and cry.or listen and smell the rain.or read a book to make time pass really fast. or just stare at the ceiling to try and figure out where my life was heading, or just smoke till i was so sick of smoking already, or how i would get my notebook and try to draw something, or write something that makes sense(just like now)
i dont know if i even want to start talking about my room, because that ladies and gentlemen is another story(a very long one!)
my room(which is now painted blue) saw me go through a whole lot, it saw ex-boyfriends come and go, friends sleeping over, it saw beers, gin and whisky.it saw me feeling really afraid when i first heard that i was finally leaving.it saw me packed my things into boxes.it saw me cry and go insane.
AND IT SHOWED ME THOSE EXACT THINGS EVERYTIME IAM IN THERE SINCE I GOT BACK.
it has a built in projector you see.it makes me see everything, makes me feel everything again.
things that just 14days ago i thought i already forgot.hidden beneath lots and lots of layers of memories.i was so wrong.
you see, i thought i was a changed person already, the things that happened to me during the duration of my first contract usually happen to a 60yearold person's life and those was his whole life already, not just a fraction of it, it is the summary of his whole boring life.and i thought it was different for me, because those things, the emotions, the things that happened, the people, the places, everything happened for 8 months, such a short time for grand things to happen.
i didnt have any choice but to cope, to accept and to sadly move on.
i kept my head up high and fought.i thought i succeeded.
but i didnt.
because iam here again.feeling everything again.just like i never left.
iam not sure if i want to leave just to see if these things i realized are true.or i want to leave because i cannot stand manila anymore.or maybe i want to leave to runaway again, keep my fingers crossed that when i go back all the problems will go away.
and i know it wont.
because happiness is a state of mind.
what you set your mind into, your heart and body will follow.
i think that being alone helps alot(alone not in your room in manila), but alone in a different place.you get to face reality, you cant run in your room(you dont have your own room, you just go in the toilet in your cabin to smoke and cry quietly) to mope and cry(because you signed a contract that says you will work for the company for 8 months(even if you feel sad, even if you feel very sick and really tired you dont have any choice but to work!)).that is when you will realize that the only thing you can do is face the problem, try to solve the problem, or you can just give up on the thought that you can conquer and solve the problem, and then you will just give up, move on and shout at the universe "WHAT OTHER BAD THINGS CAN YOU DO?!GIVE THEM ALL NOW!".and you will feel proud, one problem off your list, 1 million more to go.
but here, in manila it is different.we are used to living in comfort.we are used to our own rooms where we can kill ourselves by smoking too much or damage our ears because of the very loud music we are playing so that the parents/brothers wont hear us crying our hearts out,we are used to our friends who call us immediately when we send them sms that we are very lonely.we have parents who feel that we are at the very low point of our lives again, they ask us what we want, they ask us lots of stupid things(just to have a conversation), most importantly they ask us to come with them at this place, while the storm is raging really hard, just to have tea(tea and sympathy?) and chocolate crepe.
suddenly you will feel really weak and vulnerable.
you will realize you are not that strong after all.
whatever.
i guess what iam really trying to say is, IAM SO TIRED OF DRINKING AND GETTING DRUNK EVERYNIGHT!
please give me something to do.
p.s.
nick hornby's "a long way down" helps a little bit.
p.p.s.
lets get drunk again tonight!