Episode 26: The Beast that Shouted "I" at the Heart of the World
I apologize again for never writing in this thing, the few fans i've had seemed to have moved on, and i can't blame them :). Life has been ridiculous lately, we're coming to a close on all things plausible and reaching the point in my life where i've come to realize how weak my plans for life are...granted I never really had a plan, just vague ideas and vaguer stances. In all honesty, I hadn't really planned on living quite this long. Don't take this statement in some emo/dark psychotic sense, I simply mean, I hadn't really seen myself turning 21...or really having to plan for life at all. I was never sure if it was just me, but it felt as though my childhood was its own apocolypse. I've still got to face up to quite a few things before the end of the summer, such as losing all health insurance since i turn 21 -- that's not fun in the least, and the ever-looming confrontation with my parents. I'm kind of glad to see it, despite the fact that I've been putting it off for my entire childhood. Children need rebellion, if just to understand themselves and establish limits on their own patience. The fact of the matter is I never rebelled, aside from two or three stupid insignificant moments that were never made public and hence can't really be considered rebelling. The first time I ever raised my voice at my parents was a few weeks ago. Before that, despite their constant bullshit it had never happened. I wasn't really allowed to be angry with them, I had to keep it inside myself. I need them to know that. I need them to know I can never come back home for more than a short period of time because I barely survived it the first time, and it's pretty damn hard to forget those kinds of memories. Of course there were happy times, I just can't remember them...can't remember too many of them from my life in fact--the bad times entirely eclipse them. And I'm not even sure why I bother writing this. I suppose I want to understand myself, maybe so I can move on, maybe so I can grow some hopes and dreams. I know I come off as emotionless at times, I don't mean to be...but I don't really have a way of showing anything else. And so I continue writing, trying to remember something that's I know, that's so close that it burns on the tip of my tongue. I'm not sure what it is, just the ghost of a memory, maybe it's trivial, but it could just as easily be the meaning of life. Well, i've got to talk to a guy about a job tomorrow, and wake up in around 4 and a half hours, so i bid everyone a good evening