The Beginning and the End, or "Knockin' on Heaven's Door"
So, today's been interesting, sorry that i haven't written in a while, in case you actually read this thing. Getting ready for final's has been stressful to say the least, but tonight was pretty fun.
Talking to this girl from one of my classes Friday made me realize something. It's always an odd moment when you realize you've simply observed your own life. Odd things have happened to you, or you've allowed odd things to happen, but you rarely have anything to do with initiating them. Yet, you constantly tell yourself, "Today's the day, i'll grab the bull by the horns, i'll do everything i want." Then you don't, then you wait for a couple more weeks, and hope somethings going to happen, but you don't do anything. Then you realize your whole life's passed you by, and you've neither accomplished anything, nor pushed for anything. You just waited around and hoped whatever was happening around you would end, so you could be alone again.
I realized that aside from being almost socially inept, i'm the worst small-talker ever, so it becomes easier not to try, to hope that you'd come across that one person who sparks your curiousity or is intrigued enough by you to where they'll initiate contact. I mean, i am the type who doesn't like human contact, yet we all yearn for it. Do I fear other people? I know that in being ignorant of them, i can never be betrayed nor hurt, but is it from fear? Because no matter what happens, i can't espace the sadness. A person cannot erase sadness forever. Is every other person alone in their own minds? I suppose it's because they are able to easily forget that they are able to live.
I was a little tipsy writing this...and it's 6 am now, but i'm not all taht tired. Sorry if that was depressing, i'm just trying to work through something, or more importantly, figure out if i need to work through something. I normally type staring at the ceiling...i don't like seeing the words i wrote. it ruins the effect.
Talking to this girl from one of my classes Friday made me realize something. It's always an odd moment when you realize you've simply observed your own life. Odd things have happened to you, or you've allowed odd things to happen, but you rarely have anything to do with initiating them. Yet, you constantly tell yourself, "Today's the day, i'll grab the bull by the horns, i'll do everything i want." Then you don't, then you wait for a couple more weeks, and hope somethings going to happen, but you don't do anything. Then you realize your whole life's passed you by, and you've neither accomplished anything, nor pushed for anything. You just waited around and hoped whatever was happening around you would end, so you could be alone again.
I realized that aside from being almost socially inept, i'm the worst small-talker ever, so it becomes easier not to try, to hope that you'd come across that one person who sparks your curiousity or is intrigued enough by you to where they'll initiate contact. I mean, i am the type who doesn't like human contact, yet we all yearn for it. Do I fear other people? I know that in being ignorant of them, i can never be betrayed nor hurt, but is it from fear? Because no matter what happens, i can't espace the sadness. A person cannot erase sadness forever. Is every other person alone in their own minds? I suppose it's because they are able to easily forget that they are able to live.
I was a little tipsy writing this...and it's 6 am now, but i'm not all taht tired. Sorry if that was depressing, i'm just trying to work through something, or more importantly, figure out if i need to work through something. I normally type staring at the ceiling...i don't like seeing the words i wrote. it ruins the effect.