12.13.08
Last night was an interesting one to say the least.
Zach and Nathan came down to Tucson on Friday night so we'd been hanging out all day.. which was like 12:30 on. Now, I love that the two of them joke with me and poke fun at me because they're comfortable enough to. But sometimes I just need them to stfu and stop being assholes. So the entire day I had to deal with them ganging up on me and by the time I got back from Chris's recital I was fed up as Hell. Nathan didn't even want to go and spent half the recital staring at the ceiling and I always feel like crap when people I bring to events aren't having fun.
I threw a temper tantrum when they wanted to play Gears of War instead of something that we could all play. I slammed my door and then walked out of the front door. The key was in my car door by the time Nathan ran up asking what was wrong. We had a talk about it and basically he said I needed to tell him when I was upset instead of blowing up and not explaining it. Even if I was bitchy about it that's better than just being upset about something and not saying anything. I told him that it was a hard time but that it was no excuse - I need to stop letting my emotions control me and clinging on to worries about the past.
Therefore, I've decided that for the next 30 days I'm going to try to keep my emotions under control. I can still feel them and will, but instead of getting upset at other people and just bottling it up until it explodes or talking shit about them but not to them, I'm going to try to communicate. Talking to Mike Trad later last night, I realized that I probably used my parents as an example for communication which is just... horrible. My mom tried to argue with my Dad but he just got upset so she stopped trying because that made her feel bad. My Dad bottled everything up and never talked to her. It's just a mess. Even though I hate saying things that might hurt people, if they really care about me they'll listen to what I say and not just completely cut off the relationship because they don't like the truth. I have this irrational fear that telling someone something true will push them away.
However, I'd rather be able to be honest with my friends. I want to be able to tell them things that I want to tell them or that might be good for them. I want to be able to cry on their shoulders when I have a bad day rather than just putting it on one of two people.
So thirty days of learning to communicate and controlling how I react to things. I'm hoping that I can do it but I wanted to ask for help with it because it will be ridiculously hard for me to break the pattern but it takes 21 days to form a habit so it's at least a push in the right direction.
Anyway, after I came back into the house we played Rock Band until it was time to go to the Blacklight post-reception party. We stopped by Circle K so Zach could grab cigarettes and ironically enough I didn't have my ID and they wouldn't give them to him without it so we had to leave. On the way out some little bitch kids said something to the effect of "Do you need to call your Mommy for them?" It made me laugh a little bit and want to punch them in the face a little bit.
We decided to walk to the party since it's not too far away. When we got there it wasn't very crowded so we all wandered around and talked. Amazingly enough, I didn't have to be with Nathan the whole time because people TALKED to him!! YAY! If you didn't know, I've had a lot of issues with him coming down here because everyone virtually ignored his existence. So when we could split up and hang out with other people, it was wonderful. I ended up meeting a few new people who were really interesting to talk to and may try to get piano lessons from Nehemiah if I can afford them. Which would be SO AWESOME! We stayed at the party for a few hours and Nathan got some guy's number to call so they could cruise when he came in town again.
One of the things I love so much about hanging out with a bunch of friends and Nathan is that at the end of the night, we end up together. Even if we spend the whole night talking to separate people and doing separate things, when we're done we come together and it feels so nice to have him with me.
When we had the conversation at my car I said that things were only going to get harder and that these problems weren't the half of it. He said yeah. I asked if he thought we would make it and he said that it depended on how willing we are to work for it. At the party right before we left, we were both in the kitchen and he took my face in his hands and smiled. "We're going to be just fine."
[Roomie] Zach, Jasmine, Nathan, Glynis, Zach and I walked home and had to drag Glynis along because she was trashed as all Hell. It was kind of funny except for when she started screaming things really loudly and standing in the middle of the road while cars were coming straight towards her. Oh drunk people. We all have our moments.
Back at the house Nathan and I played a few songs on Rock band and then went over to Treehouse to see what was going on. Everyone had smoked but apparently Kristen had mixed smoking and drinking in a bad way and was sitting on the porch crying and dry heaving. I've been in bad places before so I can somewhat sympathize, but she was out there for hours with Mike rubbing her back and trying to tell her it was okay. He really is a great guy. The fact that he stood out there patiently for as long as he did just making sure she was okay was wonderful.
At one point [Roomie] Zach and I were talking in the kitchen and I said, "Woah, for a second when you said that I thought you were talking in another language." So he said a few jibberish words. Then Nathan joined in and said jibberish back. After a few exchanges I joined in and we talked for ten minutes in jibberish amongst ourselves. Then Zach and Mari came in and we started talking jibberish to them but they had no clue wtf was going on since Mari was high and Zach was drunk/high and so they just stared at us. It was so ridiculously fun.
It was around 4:30 by the time we finished playing Rock Band and went to sleep.
It's the first time that I've felt this comfortable in Tucson for such a long time. It was a combination between talking to Chris Lopez again, meeting new people, having Nathan there, having my friends interacting with Nathan and Zach and just having a good time rather than worrying about who would drive home or when we would get there or yada yada yada.
It seems like I spent the bulk of the semester worrying about things that I couldn't change and holing myself into a bad place rather than just accepting those things and moving on. Sure, I had a 15-20 hour a week job that prevented me from socializing, I was taking 5 classes some of which demanded a lot of study time, my boyfriend lives 200 miles away, my best friend is in another country and I can't really talk to her, the Brotherhood that I joined added to my stress because I was bitter at everyone and felt judged constantly, some of my closest friends live in Phoenix and I haven't seen since the end of Summer, my house was constantly full of people and I was upset by the lack of privacy, money was in a horrible place, my brother disowned my dad who finally realized that his son wasn't going to be talking to him for a while and then my grandmother was/[is?] on her deathbed at the height of everything. But still. There were a ton of good things that I could have taken advantage of that I never did.
Hopefully next semester I'll learn to deal with everything better and learn to chill out and just enjoy the ride rather than freak out about where everything is going. Most of what I worry about isn't even that important. Everything will work out in the end, one way or another. But the more that I worry the more miserable I become and the more that I push away the people I care about.
I just have to breathe and be more patient. There's always room for me to be better but there's also time to enjoy what I have and just let the chips fall where they may.
So here's to 2008. Hell of a year!
Zach and Nathan came down to Tucson on Friday night so we'd been hanging out all day.. which was like 12:30 on. Now, I love that the two of them joke with me and poke fun at me because they're comfortable enough to. But sometimes I just need them to stfu and stop being assholes. So the entire day I had to deal with them ganging up on me and by the time I got back from Chris's recital I was fed up as Hell. Nathan didn't even want to go and spent half the recital staring at the ceiling and I always feel like crap when people I bring to events aren't having fun.
I threw a temper tantrum when they wanted to play Gears of War instead of something that we could all play. I slammed my door and then walked out of the front door. The key was in my car door by the time Nathan ran up asking what was wrong. We had a talk about it and basically he said I needed to tell him when I was upset instead of blowing up and not explaining it. Even if I was bitchy about it that's better than just being upset about something and not saying anything. I told him that it was a hard time but that it was no excuse - I need to stop letting my emotions control me and clinging on to worries about the past.
Therefore, I've decided that for the next 30 days I'm going to try to keep my emotions under control. I can still feel them and will, but instead of getting upset at other people and just bottling it up until it explodes or talking shit about them but not to them, I'm going to try to communicate. Talking to Mike Trad later last night, I realized that I probably used my parents as an example for communication which is just... horrible. My mom tried to argue with my Dad but he just got upset so she stopped trying because that made her feel bad. My Dad bottled everything up and never talked to her. It's just a mess. Even though I hate saying things that might hurt people, if they really care about me they'll listen to what I say and not just completely cut off the relationship because they don't like the truth. I have this irrational fear that telling someone something true will push them away.
However, I'd rather be able to be honest with my friends. I want to be able to tell them things that I want to tell them or that might be good for them. I want to be able to cry on their shoulders when I have a bad day rather than just putting it on one of two people.
So thirty days of learning to communicate and controlling how I react to things. I'm hoping that I can do it but I wanted to ask for help with it because it will be ridiculously hard for me to break the pattern but it takes 21 days to form a habit so it's at least a push in the right direction.
Anyway, after I came back into the house we played Rock Band until it was time to go to the Blacklight post-reception party. We stopped by Circle K so Zach could grab cigarettes and ironically enough I didn't have my ID and they wouldn't give them to him without it so we had to leave. On the way out some little bitch kids said something to the effect of "Do you need to call your Mommy for them?" It made me laugh a little bit and want to punch them in the face a little bit.
We decided to walk to the party since it's not too far away. When we got there it wasn't very crowded so we all wandered around and talked. Amazingly enough, I didn't have to be with Nathan the whole time because people TALKED to him!! YAY! If you didn't know, I've had a lot of issues with him coming down here because everyone virtually ignored his existence. So when we could split up and hang out with other people, it was wonderful. I ended up meeting a few new people who were really interesting to talk to and may try to get piano lessons from Nehemiah if I can afford them. Which would be SO AWESOME! We stayed at the party for a few hours and Nathan got some guy's number to call so they could cruise when he came in town again.
One of the things I love so much about hanging out with a bunch of friends and Nathan is that at the end of the night, we end up together. Even if we spend the whole night talking to separate people and doing separate things, when we're done we come together and it feels so nice to have him with me.
When we had the conversation at my car I said that things were only going to get harder and that these problems weren't the half of it. He said yeah. I asked if he thought we would make it and he said that it depended on how willing we are to work for it. At the party right before we left, we were both in the kitchen and he took my face in his hands and smiled. "We're going to be just fine."
[Roomie] Zach, Jasmine, Nathan, Glynis, Zach and I walked home and had to drag Glynis along because she was trashed as all Hell. It was kind of funny except for when she started screaming things really loudly and standing in the middle of the road while cars were coming straight towards her. Oh drunk people. We all have our moments.
Back at the house Nathan and I played a few songs on Rock band and then went over to Treehouse to see what was going on. Everyone had smoked but apparently Kristen had mixed smoking and drinking in a bad way and was sitting on the porch crying and dry heaving. I've been in bad places before so I can somewhat sympathize, but she was out there for hours with Mike rubbing her back and trying to tell her it was okay. He really is a great guy. The fact that he stood out there patiently for as long as he did just making sure she was okay was wonderful.
At one point [Roomie] Zach and I were talking in the kitchen and I said, "Woah, for a second when you said that I thought you were talking in another language." So he said a few jibberish words. Then Nathan joined in and said jibberish back. After a few exchanges I joined in and we talked for ten minutes in jibberish amongst ourselves. Then Zach and Mari came in and we started talking jibberish to them but they had no clue wtf was going on since Mari was high and Zach was drunk/high and so they just stared at us. It was so ridiculously fun.
It was around 4:30 by the time we finished playing Rock Band and went to sleep.
It's the first time that I've felt this comfortable in Tucson for such a long time. It was a combination between talking to Chris Lopez again, meeting new people, having Nathan there, having my friends interacting with Nathan and Zach and just having a good time rather than worrying about who would drive home or when we would get there or yada yada yada.
It seems like I spent the bulk of the semester worrying about things that I couldn't change and holing myself into a bad place rather than just accepting those things and moving on. Sure, I had a 15-20 hour a week job that prevented me from socializing, I was taking 5 classes some of which demanded a lot of study time, my boyfriend lives 200 miles away, my best friend is in another country and I can't really talk to her, the Brotherhood that I joined added to my stress because I was bitter at everyone and felt judged constantly, some of my closest friends live in Phoenix and I haven't seen since the end of Summer, my house was constantly full of people and I was upset by the lack of privacy, money was in a horrible place, my brother disowned my dad who finally realized that his son wasn't going to be talking to him for a while and then my grandmother was/[is?] on her deathbed at the height of everything. But still. There were a ton of good things that I could have taken advantage of that I never did.
Hopefully next semester I'll learn to deal with everything better and learn to chill out and just enjoy the ride rather than freak out about where everything is going. Most of what I worry about isn't even that important. Everything will work out in the end, one way or another. But the more that I worry the more miserable I become and the more that I push away the people I care about.
I just have to breathe and be more patient. There's always room for me to be better but there's also time to enjoy what I have and just let the chips fall where they may.
So here's to 2008. Hell of a year!