(no subject)
I attended the first full wedding since I was six. It was a strange combination of nervousness and boredom. I met this guy named John (?I'm not sure) and I can't stop thinking about the conversations I held with him. This is not because of anything even relatively romantic (he was almost thirty), but just how I had behaved through the whole thing.
It was the nice introduction. I mentioned how there would be dancing later on -- or maybe he did, I don't remember. Then I asked what music they would be playing and he said old ones, eighties and ninties, making a face all the while. So I mentioned that I like eighties and ninties music, but I did not mention the fact that I do not know a lot about them. I enjoy listening to them but I never bothered myself to find out the names of bands, songs, because it was no jazz.
A couple minutes later, we started talking about US. Then it just popped out casually from my mouth, "It makes me really wonder sometimes how US gets so ahead, what is involved?" He looks at me almost condescendingly, but I let that pass, and he continues to talk in a voice that he might as well have added a pat to my head and would not have made me feel any more kiddish. He continued onto China and blah blah blah until I just bursted out with this semi-speech about China's decline and Rome's decadence and how US is following the same path. I was a rambling maniac, I had no idea what I was saying but I wanted him to shut up about facts about the Chinese history that I was already aware of. This was not the worst part.
Then he said something that I cannot forget. "Yeah, you know when you first said that you were into eighties music, I thought you were just saying it." Which surprised me as well as... Well, it was mildly insulting in a way because he is implying plainly that I would impose random facts on myself to appeal to someone. -- And then, I did that exact same. No, not insult him back, but pretend that I was a huge eighties fan. I went on to mentioning every fact about the eighties that I can rake my brains for. I even told him that Michael Jackson was my secret pleasure -- which is only partly true because I only liked one of his songs and know like... two. I thought I had stopped this habit since... I don't remember when. It was awful. I was so ashamed of myself, but I couldn't stop myself. It was this pride thing, this low self-esteem, I guess I just don't like myself enough.
What's worse? What's worse is that he has my email, which means we might somehow still have some distant weird acquaintance thing going on, which is awful because then I have to cover up for whatever mistakes I had made before. I'm going to have download Michael Jackson songs and... I just hope I never do anything of the sort again.
It was the nice introduction. I mentioned how there would be dancing later on -- or maybe he did, I don't remember. Then I asked what music they would be playing and he said old ones, eighties and ninties, making a face all the while. So I mentioned that I like eighties and ninties music, but I did not mention the fact that I do not know a lot about them. I enjoy listening to them but I never bothered myself to find out the names of bands, songs, because it was no jazz.
A couple minutes later, we started talking about US. Then it just popped out casually from my mouth, "It makes me really wonder sometimes how US gets so ahead, what is involved?" He looks at me almost condescendingly, but I let that pass, and he continues to talk in a voice that he might as well have added a pat to my head and would not have made me feel any more kiddish. He continued onto China and blah blah blah until I just bursted out with this semi-speech about China's decline and Rome's decadence and how US is following the same path. I was a rambling maniac, I had no idea what I was saying but I wanted him to shut up about facts about the Chinese history that I was already aware of. This was not the worst part.
Then he said something that I cannot forget. "Yeah, you know when you first said that you were into eighties music, I thought you were just saying it." Which surprised me as well as... Well, it was mildly insulting in a way because he is implying plainly that I would impose random facts on myself to appeal to someone. -- And then, I did that exact same. No, not insult him back, but pretend that I was a huge eighties fan. I went on to mentioning every fact about the eighties that I can rake my brains for. I even told him that Michael Jackson was my secret pleasure -- which is only partly true because I only liked one of his songs and know like... two. I thought I had stopped this habit since... I don't remember when. It was awful. I was so ashamed of myself, but I couldn't stop myself. It was this pride thing, this low self-esteem, I guess I just don't like myself enough.
What's worse? What's worse is that he has my email, which means we might somehow still have some distant weird acquaintance thing going on, which is awful because then I have to cover up for whatever mistakes I had made before. I'm going to have download Michael Jackson songs and... I just hope I never do anything of the sort again.