(no subject)
I bring thee, my OotP 'review'.
Leavesden Studios Suburbs:
Harry: I hate the heat. I hate the world. I hate myself. I want my mommy...*sucks thumb*
Dudley (and his gang) enter
Dudley: Goo goo ga ga, Harry. Agoo goo ga ga!
Harry: Shut up.
Dudley: Agoo-
Harry: I said shut up!
Dudley: GA. GA.
Harry takes out his wand stick
Dudley's gang: LOLZ!!11!!
The skies rumble and jumble and tumble which obviously means doom, doom, DOOM!
Some Tunnel:
Harry: It's so cold...HOLY CRAP DEMENTORS!
Dudley: HOLIER CRAP I CAN SEE DEMENTORS!
Dementor: Porkchops...
At the Dursleys:
Petunia: What have you done to my Duddikins?
Harry: I didn't do anything to him! The Dementors wanted dinner!
Vernon: One more magic-related phenomenon tonight and I will lock you in your room!
Harry: I can't wait to be reentered into the wizarding educational establishment that is my school!"Howler": Harry Potter, your ass is so expelled.
Harry: Dang it.
Harry's Room:
Harry: I hate the heat! I hate the world! I hate myself!
Hedwig: Stop banging on my cage, woman!
Harry picks up his photo of his parents back when they were young and his dad had 20/20 vision
Harry flashbacks
Cue suspenseful door-opening
Harry: Professor Moody and- who the hell are you?
Cue flying montage
Grimmauld Place:
Order of the Phoenix: Harry is going to die, Harry is going to get killed, Harry is going to have his head chopped-Oh, Harry!
Harry: What were you guys talking about?
Mrs. Weasley: It's just about your ultimate demise, nothing you haven't heard of. Now, shoo upstairs, first door on the left.
Kreacher: Poison you, burn your cottage, rape your cattle, Kreacher will.
Harry: Er, you do that.
First Door on the Left:
( cue suspense music) danan...danan...DANANDANAN...
Hermione: HARREY!
Harry: Emma, you've really got to stop jumping on me all the time!
Emma: I'm Hermione, Harry.
Harry: Right. Hey Ron.
Ron:
Harry: No lines again this year?
Ron:
Dinner Table:
OMG Remus' sex hair
Tonks: My ability to change my nose is the best CGI WB can offer. Oinkidy oinkidy quack quack.
Sirius: Harry, Voldemort is back.
Harry: Duh, Sirius.
Sirius: Yes, yes. He has an army but the good news is we have an army to fight his.
Harry: Then I want an army, too!
Molly: Harry, you're too young.
Harry: I am not too young! I wanna, I wanna, I WANNA! *puffs cheeks*
Charlie and the Chocolate factory Ministry of Magic:
Harry and Mr. Weasley get in the Great Glass Elevator and ZOOM! to the-
Department of Mysteries:
Fudge: Here be Harry James Potter-
People in Red and Balck: AWOO!
Fudge: -convicted of the grave crime-
PiRaB: AWOO!
Fudge: -of performing underage magic.
Dumbledore: I am Harry's witness, Bryan.
Everyone blinks
BryanDumbledore : Oh, go fuck yourselves.
Fudge: Someone's been menopausal since the third film...
Harry: Sir, I only did it-
Fudge: -aboochi boochi boo.
Harry: But I-
Fudge: -obdududu!
Harry: Oh, real mature, Minister.
BryanDumbledore: I call Harry's other witness.
The ministry is SHOCKED (because Muggles are supposed to be blind)
Umbridge: Hem, hem! Still, Harry Potter must burn! Everyone who agrees, say I!
PiRaB: Not I!
Fudge: SCREW YOU GUYS, I'M GOING HOME!
Platform 9 3/4:
Moody: Sirius, someone will see you, you bloody friggin Animagus.
Sirius: No, these Muggles are dense, they won't-
Kid: Mummy, look, it's the dog from Harry Potter!
Some Random Room in P9 3/4:
Sirius: Harry, here's a picture of the original OotP.
Harry: Sup, Sirius, you're like totally Dorian Gray. And Nevilles' mum had really fab hair.
Sirius: Yes. And look, your mum and dad alive, too. You know, with every movie you're looking less the carbon-copy of your dad. See in this one, he apparenty has dirty-blonde hair.
Platform 9 3/4 Again:
Voldemort: No one does sexy back like I do, Harry.
Harry: HoCrap.
To Hogwarts:
Harry sees a Thestral for the first time
Harry: I think I just shit myself.
Luna: Don't worry Harry. That happened to me the first time I saw them, too.
Thestral: Neigh!
Hogwarts:
Dumbledore: Welcome to the new school-
Umbridge: Hem, hem!
Everyone gapes and blinks
Dumbledore: Onoyoujustdiin't.
Umridge: Hello everyone. By the end of this year, I hope to have spanked each and every one of your little bottoms. We'll have such a lovely time! Thank you all!
Dumbledore: ...one day when you least expect it, biyatch...one day...
Common Room:
Seamus: Harry, my mum says you're a big fat liar.
Ron: That is not true. Harry is neither big nor fat. Right Harry?
Harry: Ron, I know it's the first time you spoke and everything but shut up.
Ron:
Harry: And Seamus, your mum is...is...
Harry looks for a profanity permitted under GP
Harry: ...STUPID! Everyone just piss off. I hate the heat, the world, and myself!
DADA classroom:
Umbridge hands out books
Harry: How is this supposed to help us defend ourselves?
Umbridge: You do not need to defend yourselves! Now, say it with me: A, B, C, D-
Ron: We're not gonna use magic?
Umridge: Of course we are! Now take out your wands and write in the air the letter-
Harry: VOLDEMORT IS BRINGING SEXY BACK!
Umbridge: DETENTIONJUSTINTIMBERLAKE!
Umridge's Office:
Harry: This room is found next to the dictionary definition of 'perkie'.
Umbridge: Only real women can wear pink, Harry. Now, for your detention, I want you to write on this piece of paper.
Harry: Fuck The What.
Harry begins to write: I must not tell lies
Harry: FUCKTHEWHAT!
Umbridge: Yes...your pain...it makes me feel young again.
Common Room:
Ron: Honestly, Hermione, you're the most amazing person I've ever known.
Hermione: You and I both know we can go from friends to married. They just like to delay our ship, at least for two more movies.
Harry walks in (dammet)
Hermione: Harry, what happened to your hand?
Harry: You mean this hand?
Hermione: No, the other-
Harry: You mean this?
Hermione: Harry, that's your foot. Give me your hand.
Harry: No! No one understands me! I'm going to my room!
The Forbidden Forest:
Luna: Hello, Harry Potter.
Harry: You're barefoot.
Luna: Shoe Elves ate all my shoes. They expressed great interest in my stilettos, particularly.
Harry: Pity.
Luna: Harry, when a bird and a bee love each other-
Harry: WTFBBQ Luna.
Luna: Oh, wrong monologue? *checks script* Ah, here it be. Harry, you're a wuss. You don't stand a chance with Voldemort. You're like a matchstick against a baseball bat.
Harry: Thanks, I really needed that.
Luna: You're always welcome, Harry Potter.
Hogwarts:
Umbridge basically bitchfits
Common Room:
Hermione: Let's start a rebellion.
Harry: But Hermione, I'm the rebel! I've always been the rebel! It's my thing!
Hermione: Then you'll be our king!
Harry: Okay.
Ron:
Hog's Head:
Frank the Goat: BAAA!
New Kid: Is Voldy really back?
Ron: Of course he is. *rolls eyes* Freshmen...
Harry: You don't know what it's like.
Hermione: Teach us what it's like.
Harry: Okay. But I'm not promising I'm very good...STUPEFY!
The entire DA drop dead
Random Hallway:
Neville: I found the Room of Requirement!
Room of Requirement:
Neville sits on a stool in the corner wearing a Dunce hat
Ginny sports "gurl powah" (minus the bloody connotative pink)
Hermione shows us that no spell is complete without a noseflare
Ron is yet again pillaged and raped
Harry and Cho can't get their handseyes off each other
Harry's first toungekiss in three angles
Umbridge, Inquisatorial Squad and D.A. chase sequence
Harry's Room/Department of Mysteries:
Harry attackssss Mr. Weasley
Dumbledore's Office:
Harry: Professor-
Dumbledore: This is bad, this is very bad...
Harry: Professor-
Weasley kids: This is bad, this is very bad...
Harry: LOOKITME!
Dumbledore and Weasley kids look
Harry: Um, yeah. *blinks* Professor-
Dumbledore: That reminds me, where's Professor Snape? This can't wait, this can't wait!
Snape: I'm here.
Dumbledore: Lock yourselves in a room, tie him down to a chair and..well, you know what to do.
Harry: *whimpers*
Snape's Office:
Snape: The Dark Lord enjoys to play with heads, Harry. Enjoys it a lot.
Harry: So you're going to teach me how to block him out?
Snape: That...and disturb your innermost thoughts. I could unearth skeletons...fetishes.
Harry: NAAAAWWWW!
Grimmauld place:
Christmas Time
Mrs. Weasley showcases her talent of making gayHoliday clothes for her sons
Ron wears his gayestHoliday vest because it turns Hermione on
Harry: I'm angry all the time Sirius. Grr. See?
Sirius: Harry, all grown up.
Harry: Yeah, I have a 5 o'clock shadow coming on, too, see?
Hogwarts:
Harry: Oh Cho...
Cho: Oh Harry...
Harry: Whatever happens, I will be with you! May there be hurricanes, earthquakes, tsunamis!
Hermione: Harry, Hagrid's back.
Harry: See yah Cho.
The Forbidden Forest:
Hagrid: Trio, this be my half-brother, Barney.
Hagrid's Half-brother Barney: *smiles* HI KIDS! I WANT A HUG!
Hermione: Put me down, bitch! Now!
Barney: I LOVE YOU! DO YOU LOVE ME, TOO?
Hermione: *bats eyelashes*
Ron:
Snape's Head:
Lily, Lupin, Sirius and Peter: four reasons to buy the DVD
Harry: My dad...he looks so much like...Percy...
Room of Requirement:
Harry: Good job, everyone! We-
BAM BAM
Everyone: The hell...?
PEBBLESBAM BAM
CRASH!
Everyone: AAAAHHHH!!!
Audience: Again, again!
Random Hogwarts Locations:
Dumbledore explodes
DA suffers and bleeds
Umbridge: I have caught you at last! HEMHEMHEMHEM -*wheeze gag*- HEMHEM!!
Fred: Is it me or did all that triumphant hem-hemming sound like a horse's neigh?
Baby!Thestral: Mummy?
More suffering and bleeding
Hallway:
Cho gives everybody an apologetic stare
Fred: Bitch!
George: Skank!
Ginny: Ho!
Harry: Asian!
Great Hall:
Harry: Is the DA really this many?
Hermione: Harry, we're taking OWLS now.
Harry: We are?
Ron:
Fred and George: HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Harry's Dream:
Voldemort: Say it.
Sirius: NO.
Voldemort: SAY IT.
Sirius: NO.
Voldemort: SAY. IT.
Sirius: I'll let you whip me if I misbehave...
Harry: AAAAHHH!
Common Room:
Harry: I have to rescue Sirius. I can use Umbridge's fireplace because she conveniently powders her nose at this hour.
Hermione: We're with you whatever happens. Right Ron?
Ron:
Harry: But why?
Hermione: How else are we going to get screen time?
Umbridge's Office:
Harry is held down to a chair
Hermione looks positively revolted by all the pink, despite the fact that she paraded in the same color in the past two flicks
Ron and the others are randomly held captive
The cats look cute
Umbridge: Resistance is futile, Harry Potter. Cruci-
Hermione: WAIT!
Umbridge: What?
Hermione: Um, look! Harry's ultimate weapon!
Umbridge: You can't fool me.
Hermione: You're right, it's just a brick wall.
Umbridge: A brick wall? WHERE?!
Forbidden Forest:
Umbridge: Are we there yet?
Hermione: No.
Umbridge: How about now?
Hermione: No.
Umbridge: .......Now?
Hermione: No!
Harry: Hermione, I think we're here.
Hermione: Holy shit, Barney got away.
Clippity Clop Clippity Clop
Enter a hundredten Centaurs
Umbridge: It's Tarzan's mutant children! Avada Kedavra! Avada Kedavra!
Harry: That's probably not the best idea...
PEBBLESBAM BAM
Enter Hagrid's brother
Barney: I WANT A HUG!
Tribe of mutant children of the jungle: DINNER!
Cue hunting music
Hermione: Stop it, he doesn't taste very good!
Umbridge: Avada Kedavra Avada Kedavra!
Barney drops dead
Tomcotj: You have slain the mystic beast. ALL HAIL OUR QUEEN.
Umbridge: NYAAAAHH!!!
Hermione: So, um, what do we do now?
Harry: Wanna run?
Hermione: Seems appropriate, darkness and all.
Harry and Hermione run
Harry: Wait...how in the hell are we supposed to go to London?
Luna and the others appear
Luna: Let's fly!
Thestral: Neigh!
Ministry of Magic:
Not much happens but as it's so expensive, it's worthy of appreciation
DA appreciates
Department of Mysteries:
Pretty door
Prophecy room:
Harry: Sirius?
Prophecy room: -us, us, us, us?
Harry: Sirius?
Prophecy room: -us, us, us, us?
Hermione: Harry, I don't think anyone else is here.
Luna: No duh, Hermione Granger.
Neville: Oooh, pretty ball! It's so shiny! And look, it's got Harry's name on it!
Harry: *snatches* Mine!
Pretty Ball: Veni sancti Spiritus....Veni Sancti Spiritus...PS: Harry dies
Harry: I wonder what it says?
Person in mask: MWAHAHAHAHA.
Harry: Who dat?
Person in mask: It is I...Lucius Malfoy. And this is Madonna.
MadonnaBellatrix Lestrange: Well, well. If it isn't little baby Potter. Agoochi goochi goo? Agoogoo gaga?
Harry: STFU! *sucks thumb*
Lucius: We shall take your pretty ball now.
Harry: Why didn't you take it before?
Lucius: Something about sea anemones and clownfish. Anyway, get them.
Other Death Eaters appear
DA: 1, 2, 3 - Stupefy!
Ginny: Magenta!
Neville: RIDIKULUS!
Dais room:
Harry: Where are we?
Luna: Ooh, look to your left, the Quidditch pitch!
Harry: Yeah, isn't that-wait, WHAT?
Luna: I think that was from two movies ago. Yeah, look, all of you're chipmunks and everything. They must have used the same green screen.
DA 'ooh' and 'aaah'
Lucius and the Death Easters interrupt the awe
Everyone except Harry get nabbed
Lucius: Give me the ball or your friends die.
Harry: Let's see...give you the ball...have my friends killed...pretty ball...friends killed...
Hermione: Harry, can you hurry it up? This freak is smelling my hair!
Harry: I'm getting on it! Pretty ball...dead friends...pretty ball...dead friends...
Order of Phoenix appear
Harry: You know, it's funny that this damn sequel is named after you when all you've been doing is lie dormant this whole time. You should totally be called "Order of the Hibernating Geese".
Sirius: Why compain, it has "Harry Potter" before the title, don't it?
Harry: Hang on...Where are all my friends?
DA: Down here by the debris Harry. *waves*
Harry: Bloody cowards.
Awesome duelling number ensues
The Nutcracker plays
Dit didididit dit dit dit dit...<--The Nutcracker
Sirius: Pray for mercy from Sirius Bla-
Bellatrix kills Sirius
Harry: ...OMG what?!
Bellatrix kills Sirius
Harry: NAAAAWWWWW!
Minisrty Lobby:
Bellatrix scampers away from raging teenager with rabies
Harry: Diebitchdie! Diebitchdie! DIEBITCHDIE!
Voldemort: You have to mean it, Harry.
Harry: HOSHIT
Bellatrix and Voldemort share a mutual evil laugh
Dumbledore appears
Voldy and Bella: HOSHIT
Bellatrix: See you, my Lord. *floos*
Harry: DUMBLEDORE!
Dumbledore: Yes, yes, we all know who I am. Now, on to the greatest, not to mention most expensive, 30-second battle evah?
Voldemort firebends
Dumbledore waterbends
Voldemort glassbends
Dumbledore dustbends
Harry loses a foot from the falling magical tiles
Audience: AGAIN! AGAIN!
Voldemort goes inside Harry
Dumbledore: No harry! Fight the alien symbiote! The power of Merlin compels you!
Harry: NGANGANGANGAAAA!!!
Voldemort: You are weak! You are frail! You are mine!
Harry: No! I must fight! I must use the force!
Dumbledore: I swear, we do this too many times.
Voldemort: You’re telling me, Yoda.
Harry: Oh wait, I can love, Voldemort! I can love!
Voldemort: …so?
Harry: ...isn't it supposed to drive you away? JK Rowling says so!
Voldemort: *checks script* Ah yes, here it is. You will lose everything…
Fudge and Co. enterFudge: By God-
Assistant: -Merlin.
Fudge: -Merlin, it's He-Who-Has-No-Nose.
Voldemort: Oh hell, not this again.
Voldy EvaporatesDisapparates
Harry: In yo' face, son of a-
Dumbledore: -GP rating.
Harry: -mother.
Harry's room:
Harry: Sirius...he's...dead.
Dumbledore: There, there, Harry.
Harry: I couldn't even do anything. It was all my fault.
Dumbledore: No. It was mine.
Harry: ...eh?
Dumbledore: Just agree with me. It helps with the pain.
Harry: All right. And I now realize something. All I need is friendship and love and pixie dust....By the way Professor...why in the halibut have you been avoiding me?!
Dumbledore: Because you were weak and frail and wussy. *weeps*
Hogwarts grounds:
Hermione: You okay, Harry?
Harry: Yeah. You know, I learned something.
Hermione: Wussat?
Harry: I have a mission. I have to build an arc and carry two of each kind of animal with me. I will name all the girls Jessie and all the boys James. And that's something Voldemort will never be able to do.
Hermione: Hear hear, Harry. Right Ron?
Ron:
END.