My grandma died today
So now I turn to LJ to release and I promise it's not going to be pretty. Not pretty at all.
I get really introspective when someone in the family dies. I look at where my was, where my life is, and where my life is going. It sucks. I can't stop thinking about it. I've not really accomplished anything of note in my life. I'm not in the situation I thought I would be in at almost 30. I thought I would be a graduate from the U of MN, with a C-Sci degree, with a wife and kids. Nice house in the 'burbs and living the life I've always wanted. The only thing I've managed to accomplish at this point is to graduate with a degree from a university that no one respects. I busted my ass for that degree and graduated with a 4.0 GPA but it means nothing. I don't know what my future holds for me. No one really does, but I know what I want it to be. I am willing to do everything I can to make it a reality, but it isn't looking too good at this point. I feel like everything I've wanted for a long time is within my grasp but is staying out of my reach. I have always walked a harder, darker path than necessary, whether by choice or not, but now I am losing sight of the light. I have sacrificed my wants and needs for the benefits of others countless times and I always get burned. I bear so many scars on my soul that sometimes the burden is crushing. I've persevered though it all in the hope that a dream would become reality. I feel like I'm chasing the dream and I keep running in to ghosts not knowing what is real and what is not. I'm not too sure right now what to look forward to. I just feel so hollow, unloved, unwanted, and generally shitty. I'll probably feel better tomorrow w and all this will be resolved or I'll go further down the path. I had more typed out but I can't post it. It wouldn't help. I should sign off now and disconnect, well from the Internet. I think I've already disconnected emotionally and I don't like that.
I get really introspective when someone in the family dies. I look at where my was, where my life is, and where my life is going. It sucks. I can't stop thinking about it. I've not really accomplished anything of note in my life. I'm not in the situation I thought I would be in at almost 30. I thought I would be a graduate from the U of MN, with a C-Sci degree, with a wife and kids. Nice house in the 'burbs and living the life I've always wanted. The only thing I've managed to accomplish at this point is to graduate with a degree from a university that no one respects. I busted my ass for that degree and graduated with a 4.0 GPA but it means nothing. I don't know what my future holds for me. No one really does, but I know what I want it to be. I am willing to do everything I can to make it a reality, but it isn't looking too good at this point. I feel like everything I've wanted for a long time is within my grasp but is staying out of my reach. I have always walked a harder, darker path than necessary, whether by choice or not, but now I am losing sight of the light. I have sacrificed my wants and needs for the benefits of others countless times and I always get burned. I bear so many scars on my soul that sometimes the burden is crushing. I've persevered though it all in the hope that a dream would become reality. I feel like I'm chasing the dream and I keep running in to ghosts not knowing what is real and what is not. I'm not too sure right now what to look forward to. I just feel so hollow, unloved, unwanted, and generally shitty. I'll probably feel better tomorrow w and all this will be resolved or I'll go further down the path. I had more typed out but I can't post it. It wouldn't help. I should sign off now and disconnect, well from the Internet. I think I've already disconnected emotionally and I don't like that.