Obligatory "I'm Not Dead and I'm Not Quitting LJ" post And Savanna Does Some Good Ole Ranting
I do these posts every month. LOL, it's sad. I need to be more lj-ish.
SO I'm back to....
hating my friends b/c none of them can relate to me
skipping school b/c nothing is new, interesting or worthwhile. Seriously? I've done all of this shit and what I haven't done is boring and not difficult in anyway. I mean, I hate to be one of those people that thinks that they're so smart and isn't interested in things because it "doesn't challenge them". But...it's sort of true. Except with AP gov. Oh and French and Spanish. But mainly Spanish because my French class is a joke.
not having enough clothes. Seriously? I have buckets full of crap but it's all locked away in bins. I'm rotating clothes. It's very annoying when your friends don't like to wear the same thing twice (God forbid). And I can't find anything! Not to mention my lack of gray. I wore gray almost everyday last year so where the flipper snipper is my gray?
I'm ranting. This is a ranting post where I become a stupid teenage girl again. And I refuse to use big words and try to be "artistic" here! I'm not writing a damn essay; I'm writing in my journal. And if I sound like a snotty fucking brat, it's because I am one. If I sound like a whiny fucking teenager, it's because I am one. I'm sick of everyone expecting me to continuously be high and mighty. I want to whine. I want to be a teenager. My emotions will fluctuate; it doesn't mean I'm having another fucking nervous breakdown.
And I'm just sick of having no one to talk to. Or having to shut myself in my room all day because Quinn is here and won't let me 1) use the living room tv (and I'm certainly not going out there if he is) or 2) use the computer. I'm always fucking shut out. I'm not going to spend time with the one person that I fucking hate! I know that none of my stuff with Quinn probably ever makes sense because I made a rule to only talk about him sparingly. And I'm still sticking to that. Only what is necessary. I hate him and I fucking hate that I'm a prisoner in my own house.
There's nowhere else for me to go. I can't go to my grandmas. God forbid I go to a friend's house. My friends are fucking goody-goodies. They don't do anything. I want to live my life without going "OMG, I MIGHT HURT SOMEONE'S FEELINGS". I just want to do what I want to do without having someone say that it's right or wrong. I want them to trust that I know what I'm doing.
And I really don't want to go to college sometimes. I'd join the peace corps if they didn't expect you to stay for three years. I can't constrain myself like that. One year would be perfection. College just seems like bullshit sometimes. I want to be a writer. I want to travel. I can't stand the thought of four MORE years in school, let alone another three for grad school.
I'm just frustrated.
I don't want to major in chemistry or engineering or any fucking science like my grandpa wants me to. He's the former professor, the genius of the family who went to Yale (when it still meant something and only the upper class went) and became a physician. I'm supposed to stop all of America's jobs in the scientific field from being outsourced to Asia with my intellect alone. I loathe the sciences sometimes. I'm not doing that. And yet I can't tell him no because it's just too hard.
Everyone expects something of me. I just want to be expected to be me. Expected to show up. Maybe the more ambitious you are, the more intelligent, the more over-achieving, the more people expect of you. I've dug myself this whole. I don't want to be anything but a writer. I just want to travel. I want to fall in love. I want to discover, discover, discover. "But writers don't make enough money. Traveling to different countries can be dangerous as a female. And love? Love doesn't exist. There is nothing left to discover in the world." Blah fucking blah. I just don't give a shit about the opinions of others anymore. Maybe I should just join the peacecorp and get it over with.
It's just hard to go against everything that everyone expects of you. I don't want them to tell me that I'm ruining my life if I skip out on college. Is that so much to wish for? I know it is but I still want it.
SO I'm back to....
hating my friends b/c none of them can relate to me
skipping school b/c nothing is new, interesting or worthwhile. Seriously? I've done all of this shit and what I haven't done is boring and not difficult in anyway. I mean, I hate to be one of those people that thinks that they're so smart and isn't interested in things because it "doesn't challenge them". But...it's sort of true. Except with AP gov. Oh and French and Spanish. But mainly Spanish because my French class is a joke.
not having enough clothes. Seriously? I have buckets full of crap but it's all locked away in bins. I'm rotating clothes. It's very annoying when your friends don't like to wear the same thing twice (God forbid). And I can't find anything! Not to mention my lack of gray. I wore gray almost everyday last year so where the flipper snipper is my gray?
I'm ranting. This is a ranting post where I become a stupid teenage girl again. And I refuse to use big words and try to be "artistic" here! I'm not writing a damn essay; I'm writing in my journal. And if I sound like a snotty fucking brat, it's because I am one. If I sound like a whiny fucking teenager, it's because I am one. I'm sick of everyone expecting me to continuously be high and mighty. I want to whine. I want to be a teenager. My emotions will fluctuate; it doesn't mean I'm having another fucking nervous breakdown.
And I'm just sick of having no one to talk to. Or having to shut myself in my room all day because Quinn is here and won't let me 1) use the living room tv (and I'm certainly not going out there if he is) or 2) use the computer. I'm always fucking shut out. I'm not going to spend time with the one person that I fucking hate! I know that none of my stuff with Quinn probably ever makes sense because I made a rule to only talk about him sparingly. And I'm still sticking to that. Only what is necessary. I hate him and I fucking hate that I'm a prisoner in my own house.
There's nowhere else for me to go. I can't go to my grandmas. God forbid I go to a friend's house. My friends are fucking goody-goodies. They don't do anything. I want to live my life without going "OMG, I MIGHT HURT SOMEONE'S FEELINGS". I just want to do what I want to do without having someone say that it's right or wrong. I want them to trust that I know what I'm doing.
And I really don't want to go to college sometimes. I'd join the peace corps if they didn't expect you to stay for three years. I can't constrain myself like that. One year would be perfection. College just seems like bullshit sometimes. I want to be a writer. I want to travel. I can't stand the thought of four MORE years in school, let alone another three for grad school.
I'm just frustrated.
I don't want to major in chemistry or engineering or any fucking science like my grandpa wants me to. He's the former professor, the genius of the family who went to Yale (when it still meant something and only the upper class went) and became a physician. I'm supposed to stop all of America's jobs in the scientific field from being outsourced to Asia with my intellect alone. I loathe the sciences sometimes. I'm not doing that. And yet I can't tell him no because it's just too hard.
Everyone expects something of me. I just want to be expected to be me. Expected to show up. Maybe the more ambitious you are, the more intelligent, the more over-achieving, the more people expect of you. I've dug myself this whole. I don't want to be anything but a writer. I just want to travel. I want to fall in love. I want to discover, discover, discover. "But writers don't make enough money. Traveling to different countries can be dangerous as a female. And love? Love doesn't exist. There is nothing left to discover in the world." Blah fucking blah. I just don't give a shit about the opinions of others anymore. Maybe I should just join the peacecorp and get it over with.
It's just hard to go against everything that everyone expects of you. I don't want them to tell me that I'm ruining my life if I skip out on college. Is that so much to wish for? I know it is but I still want it.