So what's going on
I got really, really down. And then I went home, and started riding again, and eating healthily, and just... not working, just chilling at home. Walking my three labs, and watching tv, playing my flute and the piano, and just... adjusting. I was put on anti-depressants, and then went back.
To begin with, things slowly started to get better. I got back into my faith; I was introduced to the CU via 24/7 prayer week, and also how to pray again, and realised the safety net I had there. I went to Eden, and saw people there. I'm still a little uncomfortable, it's still a bit new and raw and scary, but I'm doing better in that department.
And then came this week. I don't know. I recognise the signs of a bad week. I've stressed myself out over applications; I can't motivate myself far enough to email the people I need to. I can't focus on my essays that are due. I'm not sleeping when I need to, and I'm sleeping when I should go to lectures. I'm living in my room. I can't remember the last really social activity I did. I'm hovering on a crying jag. I'm holding onto Fridays, when I ride at the ramshackle stables, and get a good afternoon. I hope it is a good afternoon, that the horse is decent, and rides well, and that it's a good week-end. I need the lift, I need the horses, and I need to be able to communicate without talking.
I find it difficult to describe how I'm feeling, when I'm speaking. I feel guilty, for dumping my problems on the people I'm close to, when they're moving away and dealing with new things. I feel uncomfortable. I know why I'm feeling low today; I was made to rehash some stuff about relationships with a friend, Lizzie. Lizzie doesn't believe me, like most don't believe me, when I say the only male who's ever been interested in me was Raphael. That I've never experienced a guy flirting for the hell of it, never known how to respond if it would happen, and never felt really attractive.
And I've been feeling a lot like people have been moving on. Rob has been distant this past week or so; CU stuff, plus other stuff plus sickness. Katy has been waaay distant this past week, caught up with Malcolm. Alex has seemed distant because I've just not seen her. And Raphael, when I called to check in he was okay, seemed just damn fine. So I guess I'm feeling left behind. But I can't really say this to any of them. I guess I feel like when they do pay me any attention, I'm so completely not-worthy that I'm lucky to get it, and when they don't, well, why should they?
I don't need to be told I'm wonderful, or fantastic or whatever superlative people can dream up. In this mood, I just don't believe it, and it in fact makes me feel even worse because it's something I just can't live up to.
To begin with, things slowly started to get better. I got back into my faith; I was introduced to the CU via 24/7 prayer week, and also how to pray again, and realised the safety net I had there. I went to Eden, and saw people there. I'm still a little uncomfortable, it's still a bit new and raw and scary, but I'm doing better in that department.
And then came this week. I don't know. I recognise the signs of a bad week. I've stressed myself out over applications; I can't motivate myself far enough to email the people I need to. I can't focus on my essays that are due. I'm not sleeping when I need to, and I'm sleeping when I should go to lectures. I'm living in my room. I can't remember the last really social activity I did. I'm hovering on a crying jag. I'm holding onto Fridays, when I ride at the ramshackle stables, and get a good afternoon. I hope it is a good afternoon, that the horse is decent, and rides well, and that it's a good week-end. I need the lift, I need the horses, and I need to be able to communicate without talking.
I find it difficult to describe how I'm feeling, when I'm speaking. I feel guilty, for dumping my problems on the people I'm close to, when they're moving away and dealing with new things. I feel uncomfortable. I know why I'm feeling low today; I was made to rehash some stuff about relationships with a friend, Lizzie. Lizzie doesn't believe me, like most don't believe me, when I say the only male who's ever been interested in me was Raphael. That I've never experienced a guy flirting for the hell of it, never known how to respond if it would happen, and never felt really attractive.
And I've been feeling a lot like people have been moving on. Rob has been distant this past week or so; CU stuff, plus other stuff plus sickness. Katy has been waaay distant this past week, caught up with Malcolm. Alex has seemed distant because I've just not seen her. And Raphael, when I called to check in he was okay, seemed just damn fine. So I guess I'm feeling left behind. But I can't really say this to any of them. I guess I feel like when they do pay me any attention, I'm so completely not-worthy that I'm lucky to get it, and when they don't, well, why should they?
I don't need to be told I'm wonderful, or fantastic or whatever superlative people can dream up. In this mood, I just don't believe it, and it in fact makes me feel even worse because it's something I just can't live up to.