I'm in Love...I'm in Love...I'm in Love with a Strict Machine...
It's practically Summer outside today.
Today is one of those days that have become rare for me, unfortunately--it's a day where I feel good. No, not good. Peaceful. Think of a lake without ripples, an ocean with perfect, blue green hue, untouched by the wind. Yeah. That's me.
I usually try to keep from the mushy stuff, but this morning I found myself contemplating love. It happened because I'd been thinking about how, since I decided to marry Robert, I've had to answer alot of the same questions. Plenty of people I care about have pretty much quizzed me out of fear for me. Naomi was the latest, but I've also had to answer to my mother, my father, and a couple roomates.
Am I sure I want to get married? Am I sure that Robert is the only man I'll ever want, that I'll never want another man? Iraq may change him to someone different. What if he changes too much for me? Am I sure that I'm not just marrying him because he's the first decent guy I've gotten to know?
All those questions irritate me. And this morning, I was wondering why that was. I panicked for a moment. Did they irriate me because I feared that eventually, trying to answer that would scare me into realizing that they were right all along? Was I annoyed because I was seeing a seed of truth in it all?
The answer: half of that is correct. I do have a bad habit of listening to the people I care about to the point of making stupid decisions based on their dogma, on their relationship commandments. I also have thought on these questions to the point where I get tired of focusing on them, because all they do is worry me and scare me. I can't predict my future. I only know what I feel now, and what that might imply. So what else can I do but live in the moment now and try to pay attention along the way?
And then the last question...the one about falling in love with Robert simply because he's the first good man I've known...Lord, how many times I've thought on that question, and variations of it.
I've come to this conclusion: all of our loves--our true loves--are a result of he or she being the first at something, the first to figure out something that should have been to evident to the others. This ability to see what others don't sparks something inside, and results in a feeling so strong, so unbelievable, that your mind automatically recognizes it as something that has lain dormant until the correct time--love.
We fall in love because our significant others are first to believe and realize important truths about us. Robert was the first to realize that little things mean more to me than grandiose gestures of romance. He was the first to realize that my insecurities were going to take time to disappear, and that I didn't think I was ugly or annoying on purpose. I couldn't help it, and I needed him to aid me in shaking it.
So I guess...yes...I did fall in love with Robert because he was the first good man to cross my path. It was what I needed to stir love within me. I needed my definition of "good" to be met, and Robert was the first man smart enough to figure out what that definition was.
And...really quick, because I have to go...to those of you who feel that you've been in love 3, 4, 90 times before...you haven't. You may have really liked the person, you may have lusted...but you did not love. Trust me on that. Love doesn't feel like the person before this one and the person before them. It feels like no one ever before. It's totally new, and when you feel TRUE love, your mind will recognize it---to fit the cliche--you'll just know, and you'll see what I mean.
I'm not being full of myself. I'm using common sense. How do people know they're in love? Because it's different. So there you go.
This all comes full circle to the fact that I realized that Robert is my one. To all who wonder if I'm sure, I've never been more sure of anything in my life. And the very thought makes life so much better than it was a few days ago.
Looks like it's practically Summer inside, too.
I love you all.
ME