[TDS]: In the Sun I; G
Title: In the Sun
Series: In the Sun (Yes, it will most likely have a few parts)
Pairings: Stephen/Paul, Stephen/Evie
Rating: G.
Warnings: None... Well... Angst and heartbreak. I'm on a roll!
Notes: This story is unbeta'd and I can't help it. I want it posted right now and my loves that normally would do it aren't here. I hope it's not glaringly horrid because I kept getting distracted (oooh shiny!). It was inspired by the song In the Sun by Joseph Arthur. I have no one to blame but myself for this story. It's also RPS which I hope is okay, it didn't specifically say on this community's profile that it wasn't allowed... if it is something you don't want, just let me know and I'll remove it. It's the best i could come up with. Much love to sailorptah and silentauror.
Summary: "I know I would apologize if I could see your eyes cause when you showed me myself I became someone else...
“I don’t see why this has to end.” Those were the words of a younger, more foolish me.
“How do you mean?” I remember staring at his beautiful lips-full and trembling.
“I want to have a family but I don’t want to lose you. We don’t have to end this. I’m sure that we could strike some kind of understanding.”
“You don’t get it,” he exclaimed this while pulling at his beautifully long hair. I always nagged at him to cut it. But, as soon as he’d fall asleep, I’d run my fingers through it. Actions so soft and feminine as that I’d only occasionally indulge in while he’s asleep. Plausible deniability, “I want you to myself or not at all. I won’t play these games. I told you that in the beginning. I want a relationship and you’ve been able to do that. Why her? Why now?”
“She’s a nice girl. I could fall in love with her and I could have a family.”
“We are a family. You, Amy and me. You and I are the happy couple and she’s the crazy drunken aunt that we love to death even if she’s sometimes embarrassing.” That statement would have been funny if it weren’t for the situation.
“You can’t give me children.” The point. Plain and simple.
“So this is what it’s about? Because I can’t fucking give birth? We could adopt! Have you thought of that? Do you even love this woman? She’s not going to be happy with ‘I could fall in love with her,’ because, frankly you do or you don’t. And apparently I’ve misjudged your feelings for me for what? Seven years? You’re an asshole. Leave. Now.” Paul’s lips trembled more as tears trailed down his face.
“I’m sorry.” Simple and to the point.
“No you’re not. Now please leave.” Paul’s words were truer than I wanted them to be.
I turned away and knew that before I got home I’d have a very, very angry Amy to contend with.
It’s been years since I’d done much with the group. Amy and Paul actually dated for about eight years and were lucky enough to break amicably. I wished over and over that things had gone differently. I haven’t been happy in this relationship for years.
The first few years-the honeymoon years-I was utterly and totally in love with her. Now? Not so much. Not really at all. We haven’t had sex in a couple years and the strain is starting to show. My family is breaking apart before my very eyes.
The very same family I gave up so much to be with-to have.
I've spent more time wishing that I could be with what I gave up so badly. I could never tell anyone that though. It wouldn’t be right. If nothing else, it would be something I couldn’t say because it’s not manly enough.
Why do I fucking cling to things like that? I know I have done so arbitrarily as well.
I was lucky for Paul and Amy to be willing to talk to me again. We’ve worked so well over the years. Although for a while I wasn’t in the equation. The pain was too fresh for everyone. I broke up our family all those years ago and my family that I’ve got now is falling apart.
I imagine-nowadays-if there is a God, he’s been sitting back and holding his stomach while slapping his knee. I've imagined he’s a big fan of irony.
Since I've essentially felt isolated about the whole situation, I've decided to just write it down in this notebook. Only pre-pubescent girls do this. I've officially arrived in my late thirties as of today. I've never cared that people keep journals. My concern landed in the realm of 'I'm not the kind of man that keeps a diary'.
I sat at my desk and started writing:
May 13, 2000
Dear Paul,
I’m sure that I could write this in a normal journal fashion, but this seems more appropriate. You’re the one that always listened. You and I were so close-even before we started dating. I really hate that I gave all of that up. Of course, no one will ever know about this because that part of my life is over.
But I do regret giving up the most important relationship in my life. I just, I feared so much for that marriage that would allow me to have children. That’s not the only reason though.
I got scared. Why I got scared after being with some one for Seven years, 6 months and two weeks (yes, I remember everything) I can’t explain. Something inside me just freezes up at times and I can’t see the most important thing.
I know some of it has to do with my father and brothers. I wanted so bad the family that I lost. I never had all those milestones with my father. And I know it sounds like a cop out but I wanted to be able to have those, even if it was as a father.
So, even though I could never go into anything with you as you are now, I still imagine that open smile and warm eyes that always seemed to pull everything out of me.
May God’s love be with you… Always.
Another bad birthday on top of all the others.
This is ridiculous,
Me.
It was a small start, but it helped me a little. I didn’t go in to some of my other problems because I wanted to see how the first entry would go. After having done this, I decided to keep doing it.
And, to have some of my birthday cake to wash the rum down with. Oh yes, this birthday was that wonderful. I swore that I’d never let my life get like this. How naive was I to let it get like this? How could my life have been different?
I’ve always found I’m at my most intelligent when wasted out of my mind. Thank goodness all my segments are in the evening or I would have one horrible hang over to contend with.
Disclaimer: The television shows, movies, books, etc. in this story are not owned by me. The people and/or characters are also not owned by me. No money is being made from this venture.
Series: In the Sun (Yes, it will most likely have a few parts)
Pairings: Stephen/Paul, Stephen/Evie
Rating: G.
Warnings: None... Well... Angst and heartbreak. I'm on a roll!
Notes: This story is unbeta'd and I can't help it. I want it posted right now and my loves that normally would do it aren't here. I hope it's not glaringly horrid because I kept getting distracted (oooh shiny!). It was inspired by the song In the Sun by Joseph Arthur. I have no one to blame but myself for this story. It's also RPS which I hope is okay, it didn't specifically say on this community's profile that it wasn't allowed... if it is something you don't want, just let me know and I'll remove it. It's the best i could come up with. Much love to sailorptah and silentauror.
Summary: "I know I would apologize if I could see your eyes cause when you showed me myself I became someone else...
“I don’t see why this has to end.” Those were the words of a younger, more foolish me.
“How do you mean?” I remember staring at his beautiful lips-full and trembling.
“I want to have a family but I don’t want to lose you. We don’t have to end this. I’m sure that we could strike some kind of understanding.”
“You don’t get it,” he exclaimed this while pulling at his beautifully long hair. I always nagged at him to cut it. But, as soon as he’d fall asleep, I’d run my fingers through it. Actions so soft and feminine as that I’d only occasionally indulge in while he’s asleep. Plausible deniability, “I want you to myself or not at all. I won’t play these games. I told you that in the beginning. I want a relationship and you’ve been able to do that. Why her? Why now?”
“She’s a nice girl. I could fall in love with her and I could have a family.”
“We are a family. You, Amy and me. You and I are the happy couple and she’s the crazy drunken aunt that we love to death even if she’s sometimes embarrassing.” That statement would have been funny if it weren’t for the situation.
“You can’t give me children.” The point. Plain and simple.
“So this is what it’s about? Because I can’t fucking give birth? We could adopt! Have you thought of that? Do you even love this woman? She’s not going to be happy with ‘I could fall in love with her,’ because, frankly you do or you don’t. And apparently I’ve misjudged your feelings for me for what? Seven years? You’re an asshole. Leave. Now.” Paul’s lips trembled more as tears trailed down his face.
“I’m sorry.” Simple and to the point.
“No you’re not. Now please leave.” Paul’s words were truer than I wanted them to be.
I turned away and knew that before I got home I’d have a very, very angry Amy to contend with.
It’s been years since I’d done much with the group. Amy and Paul actually dated for about eight years and were lucky enough to break amicably. I wished over and over that things had gone differently. I haven’t been happy in this relationship for years.
The first few years-the honeymoon years-I was utterly and totally in love with her. Now? Not so much. Not really at all. We haven’t had sex in a couple years and the strain is starting to show. My family is breaking apart before my very eyes.
The very same family I gave up so much to be with-to have.
I've spent more time wishing that I could be with what I gave up so badly. I could never tell anyone that though. It wouldn’t be right. If nothing else, it would be something I couldn’t say because it’s not manly enough.
Why do I fucking cling to things like that? I know I have done so arbitrarily as well.
I was lucky for Paul and Amy to be willing to talk to me again. We’ve worked so well over the years. Although for a while I wasn’t in the equation. The pain was too fresh for everyone. I broke up our family all those years ago and my family that I’ve got now is falling apart.
I imagine-nowadays-if there is a God, he’s been sitting back and holding his stomach while slapping his knee. I've imagined he’s a big fan of irony.
Since I've essentially felt isolated about the whole situation, I've decided to just write it down in this notebook. Only pre-pubescent girls do this. I've officially arrived in my late thirties as of today. I've never cared that people keep journals. My concern landed in the realm of 'I'm not the kind of man that keeps a diary'.
I sat at my desk and started writing:
May 13, 2000
Dear Paul,
I’m sure that I could write this in a normal journal fashion, but this seems more appropriate. You’re the one that always listened. You and I were so close-even before we started dating. I really hate that I gave all of that up. Of course, no one will ever know about this because that part of my life is over.
But I do regret giving up the most important relationship in my life. I just, I feared so much for that marriage that would allow me to have children. That’s not the only reason though.
I got scared. Why I got scared after being with some one for Seven years, 6 months and two weeks (yes, I remember everything) I can’t explain. Something inside me just freezes up at times and I can’t see the most important thing.
I know some of it has to do with my father and brothers. I wanted so bad the family that I lost. I never had all those milestones with my father. And I know it sounds like a cop out but I wanted to be able to have those, even if it was as a father.
So, even though I could never go into anything with you as you are now, I still imagine that open smile and warm eyes that always seemed to pull everything out of me.
May God’s love be with you… Always.
Another bad birthday on top of all the others.
This is ridiculous,
Me.
It was a small start, but it helped me a little. I didn’t go in to some of my other problems because I wanted to see how the first entry would go. After having done this, I decided to keep doing it.
And, to have some of my birthday cake to wash the rum down with. Oh yes, this birthday was that wonderful. I swore that I’d never let my life get like this. How naive was I to let it get like this? How could my life have been different?
I’ve always found I’m at my most intelligent when wasted out of my mind. Thank goodness all my segments are in the evening or I would have one horrible hang over to contend with.
Disclaimer: The television shows, movies, books, etc. in this story are not owned by me. The people and/or characters are also not owned by me. No money is being made from this venture.