Life ATM
Well at least I was happy for awhile.
I thought i was recovering from this hate and sadness, all that lovely negative stuff, but recently I just kind of snapped and fell right back into it. I hate myself, I hate what I’ve been, I don’t see where I’m going. Don’t I have hobbies? What will I do as a career? One thing I know for sure… I’m alone. Always have been, always will be. Too afraid to let go of anyone I get close to, and in the mean time, bringing them down. Making them sad because I don’t want to believe them when they say I’m important. Maybe it’s because I don’t believe in what this person is saying, so I just get more depressed and isolate myself.
I don’t have stuck thoughts but I have a stubborn mind. I can’t be told something and see it. My conscious mind may try and accept it, but then in the back of my mind I know I’m just lying to myself. There are days where I think I don’t look half bad, and I feel good about myself. But those days come once a month, maybe. I can’t force myself to love myself and avoid the constant hatred for being ugly and fat. I didn’t choose to feel this way, so i can’t choose to bring myself out.
What’s a counselor going to say that I don’t know already? While I know the kind of things they say are helpful, surely that suggestion has already crossed my mind? Try thinking of things differently… just look in the mirror and compliment yourself even if you don’t feel you mean it, just set up a time to go for coffee with someone… work out when you feel angry at yourself… of course there are things I can do to help.. but I don’t want it. I know when I was feeling kind of happy in february and though back to november and looked back on old LJ entries and laughed at how pathetic I sounded. “Back then I didn’t want happiness and liked being depressed, but it’s so much better being content and not feeling all of that bad stuff.” That’s what I thought. I know it’s true. But again. I can’t choose my mood like that.
Whatever this is that I’m going through, it’s disrupting my life. At work the other day, my mom came in and started helping out and I was happy not to be alone but she kept telling me I was doing something wrong and I kept falling over my own words and started crying in the back and had to clear my eyes when a customer came. I just could not function. I couldn’t think or speak. I just felt like crying. I still always feel like crying.
I feel like I’ve been an okay friend this past year. I know I usually whine that I haven’t been a help, and I haven’t, but I always listen and reply right away and never think it’s a bother to help. And I’m sincere and all I want to do is stop my friend’s suffering. And in this place I’m at now… I just feel alone. Desolate’s a good word. Like everyone else can see why I shouldn’t be like this and say they understand but it’s so worth it to try and think positive. Well it doesn’t make me feel happy. It just makes me think, “Ah, yeah.. guess I’ll never be happy then since I can’t think like that.”
I’ve been thinking about my past lately, and think I know why I’m so messed up. I’ve always been rejected and ridiculed. Every guy, no exception except my old neighbour, who I’ve liked has hated me in return. I’d be annoying, creepy, and then unwanted. I’ve been rejected harshly every time I confess. I’ve been hated, sworn at, called names, all because I liked someone. I haven’t been bullied by friends, thank god, but I was always the third wheel and called creepy and weird and no one really wanted to be close to me. So then I found someone who I just loved and wanted to be close with and then I was. Still am, I guess. But a voice over my shoulder keeps saying to let go, and now she’s saying she thinks we need to change. Our friendship isn’t healthy. Of course it’s not. But if it’s not distance, what’s supposed to fix it? Holding back? All I’ve ever wanted was an open friendship where we don’t keep secrets. But I guess it backfired and hurt both of us. we bring each other down. I used to picture it as her sinking and me trying to prevent it and then someone else bring her back to the surface. But now I guess when one of us goes down, the other sinks her. Supposedly I’m seeing her counselor with her. I’ll bet her counselor thinks I’m selfish for keeping her like this. I almost expect her to say to me at the end, “Look I know you care for her, but if she’s going to overcome this, you need to support her and give her a positive environment.” Change to me means keeping things in and forcing myself to feel things and say things and move on when I don’t want to. And that might mean being left behind. I can’t expect my friend to stay and keep comforting me and keep her own life at bay. It doesn’t work like that. She’ll move on and she’ll hope for the day I come after her, but she can’t lag behind. Actually, just writing this will hurt her if she sees it. And knowing my attention whore needs and inability to keep anything to myself, I’ll coax her into reading it.
It’s just really hard to think someone cares. I don’t. I might as well just let go. Stop caring. Shut it all off if I can. Be there for comfort but stop being so mad and possessive and worried and just… it’s pathetic. And I still don’t think I’m depressed. I’m not where she’s been. Things are just hard. I have symptoms but not the disease. Things will just work out, albeit slowly. If I can just be peaceful or not affect everyone around me, that’ll be comfort to me
And to quote U Kiss:
People who have to go, just go
Sure being next to them it might happen oh
Being tired right now
It’s just evidence of your love
Everybody knows you tried, everybody knows it’s alright
I thought i was recovering from this hate and sadness, all that lovely negative stuff, but recently I just kind of snapped and fell right back into it. I hate myself, I hate what I’ve been, I don’t see where I’m going. Don’t I have hobbies? What will I do as a career? One thing I know for sure… I’m alone. Always have been, always will be. Too afraid to let go of anyone I get close to, and in the mean time, bringing them down. Making them sad because I don’t want to believe them when they say I’m important. Maybe it’s because I don’t believe in what this person is saying, so I just get more depressed and isolate myself.
I don’t have stuck thoughts but I have a stubborn mind. I can’t be told something and see it. My conscious mind may try and accept it, but then in the back of my mind I know I’m just lying to myself. There are days where I think I don’t look half bad, and I feel good about myself. But those days come once a month, maybe. I can’t force myself to love myself and avoid the constant hatred for being ugly and fat. I didn’t choose to feel this way, so i can’t choose to bring myself out.
What’s a counselor going to say that I don’t know already? While I know the kind of things they say are helpful, surely that suggestion has already crossed my mind? Try thinking of things differently… just look in the mirror and compliment yourself even if you don’t feel you mean it, just set up a time to go for coffee with someone… work out when you feel angry at yourself… of course there are things I can do to help.. but I don’t want it. I know when I was feeling kind of happy in february and though back to november and looked back on old LJ entries and laughed at how pathetic I sounded. “Back then I didn’t want happiness and liked being depressed, but it’s so much better being content and not feeling all of that bad stuff.” That’s what I thought. I know it’s true. But again. I can’t choose my mood like that.
Whatever this is that I’m going through, it’s disrupting my life. At work the other day, my mom came in and started helping out and I was happy not to be alone but she kept telling me I was doing something wrong and I kept falling over my own words and started crying in the back and had to clear my eyes when a customer came. I just could not function. I couldn’t think or speak. I just felt like crying. I still always feel like crying.
I feel like I’ve been an okay friend this past year. I know I usually whine that I haven’t been a help, and I haven’t, but I always listen and reply right away and never think it’s a bother to help. And I’m sincere and all I want to do is stop my friend’s suffering. And in this place I’m at now… I just feel alone. Desolate’s a good word. Like everyone else can see why I shouldn’t be like this and say they understand but it’s so worth it to try and think positive. Well it doesn’t make me feel happy. It just makes me think, “Ah, yeah.. guess I’ll never be happy then since I can’t think like that.”
I’ve been thinking about my past lately, and think I know why I’m so messed up. I’ve always been rejected and ridiculed. Every guy, no exception except my old neighbour, who I’ve liked has hated me in return. I’d be annoying, creepy, and then unwanted. I’ve been rejected harshly every time I confess. I’ve been hated, sworn at, called names, all because I liked someone. I haven’t been bullied by friends, thank god, but I was always the third wheel and called creepy and weird and no one really wanted to be close to me. So then I found someone who I just loved and wanted to be close with and then I was. Still am, I guess. But a voice over my shoulder keeps saying to let go, and now she’s saying she thinks we need to change. Our friendship isn’t healthy. Of course it’s not. But if it’s not distance, what’s supposed to fix it? Holding back? All I’ve ever wanted was an open friendship where we don’t keep secrets. But I guess it backfired and hurt both of us. we bring each other down. I used to picture it as her sinking and me trying to prevent it and then someone else bring her back to the surface. But now I guess when one of us goes down, the other sinks her. Supposedly I’m seeing her counselor with her. I’ll bet her counselor thinks I’m selfish for keeping her like this. I almost expect her to say to me at the end, “Look I know you care for her, but if she’s going to overcome this, you need to support her and give her a positive environment.” Change to me means keeping things in and forcing myself to feel things and say things and move on when I don’t want to. And that might mean being left behind. I can’t expect my friend to stay and keep comforting me and keep her own life at bay. It doesn’t work like that. She’ll move on and she’ll hope for the day I come after her, but she can’t lag behind. Actually, just writing this will hurt her if she sees it. And knowing my attention whore needs and inability to keep anything to myself, I’ll coax her into reading it.
It’s just really hard to think someone cares. I don’t. I might as well just let go. Stop caring. Shut it all off if I can. Be there for comfort but stop being so mad and possessive and worried and just… it’s pathetic. And I still don’t think I’m depressed. I’m not where she’s been. Things are just hard. I have symptoms but not the disease. Things will just work out, albeit slowly. If I can just be peaceful or not affect everyone around me, that’ll be comfort to me
And to quote U Kiss:
People who have to go, just go
Sure being next to them it might happen oh
Being tired right now
It’s just evidence of your love
Everybody knows you tried, everybody knows it’s alright