(no subject)
I woke up without actually ever having gone to sleep screaming at myself. Screaming over the sound of Less Than Jack blasting in the background. Screaming over the rest of the silence of my tainted house. I was screaming at myself to "stop it." Stop what I don't exactly know. I was thinking. I was thinking things that I have thought before and things I hadn't thought before. I was thinking how it would feel to have the blood and the pain pour out of my wrists or my head. Or how the cold air would feel on my skin as ran away to no where. Or how it would feel to just cuss my mom out, and how it would feel to actually try to have a serious talk with my dad. How it would feel to take my sister and shake her until she stopped turing into this little shit. I was thinking about how hard it was to breath out of my nose because I had been crying too much. How I couldn't even attempt to lay down because I would suffocate, then thinking about doing it anyway. Thinking about how my friends told me to look back on the good times when I got like this, then thinking that it won't do anything but make me long for something more. Cause last night all those times seemed really far away. Then I regretted thinking that, but I thought it again. I thought about how much I hated everyone even myself at that moment. I was screaming to god to give me strength to move on and stop feeling like this. But he never did, which just strengthed my belief that there is no god, and there is no heaven, and that I am in hell now. How can I feel like my life is this bad? I don't get it. I thought that my life would be like this. I never thought that I would be this depressed for such a long time. And look what happened. I mean granted I can be halfway happy sometimes. But it is hard to tell when I am faking it and when I am not faking it, even to myself now. I have no confidence in myself at all. I mean I think I am ugly, I see no beauty. I think I am dumb. And I think I am a horrible friend. But then again I don't. But I have a feeling that is me faking it. I am not going to make this entry friends only becuase I don't care who reads it and who doesn't. I just had to get that all out. So the people that know me will see how messed up I really am. I wanna be happy and I am trying really hard but something always happens to mess it up for me. Maybe break will make things better. I really hope so. Because I am about to go nuts.
I love my friends, I really do. I just hope they have enough strength to help me through this. Cuase I don't think I have control anymore. I need them more than ever right now. I just need to know who my real friends are. And who will really be there for me. Because I am confused about so much right now. So if you consider yourself my friend, or you care about me please tell me in some way or another. I really need it.
<3 Michelle
"Escape From The A-Bomb House"
Dear Mom and Dad,
I’ve been making plans
To leave this house and yes I’m sure
So lock the door, and turn the front porch lights out
After all the endless fights
The who’s been wrong and who’s been right
We just never saw eye to eye
So there’s no need to apologize
Don’t wait up, I’ll be fine
If you could see inside my head
Maybe you could understand
That I’m better off
I’m better off gone
Dear Mom and Dad,
I’ve been making plans
To leave your house and yes I’m sure
That nothing’s wrong, so just be strong on my way out
After all the endless nights
The who’s been wrong and who’s been right
We just never saw eye to eye
So there’s no need to apologize
Don’t wait up, I’ll be fine
If you could see inside my head
Maybe you could understand
That I’m better off gone
I’m better off gone ‘cause we don’t see eye to eye
"That's Why They Call It A Union"
There's a black cloud over this house
That's been around for 3 years now
There's a thunderstorm inside
And it won't go away
That's why they call it a union
That's why they call it a union
So both of you please forgive me tonight
That's why they call it a union
So please forgive me tonight
I remember him turning around
He said, "Son, I'll be leaving now,
I can't be the person that you want me to be
And then she said, "So things aew finally ending now,
I knew you'd be walking out,
You can't be the person that you want me to be."
3 years of all the arguments
3 years of all this silence
Has been enough to last me a lifetime
3 years of all the arguments
3 years of all this pain
That's why they call it a union
That's why they call it a union
So both of you please forgive me tonight
That's why they call it a union
So please forgive me tonight
I can't look at the pictures anymore
Because i know how it's run its course
And i know hoe the story ends
I know it ends
There's a black cloud over this house
That's been around for 3 years now
There's a thunderstorm inside,
And another fight tonight
There's a black cloud over this house
That's been around for 3 years now
There's a thunderstorm tonight
And it won't go away, no it won't go away
"Welcome To The New South"
Welcome home outcasts
Because I know how you have
Felt over the years
The truth is that
Looking at me is like
Looking in the mirror
And I know how it feels
To be the best part
Of a running joke
To all of your friends
And to be on the edge of your bed
With your head buried in your hands
Wishing that everything would end
I know how it feels to be the loneliest
Welcome back outcasts
Because I've told myself
That it would be alright
Probably about a million times
Over every minute of all of my life
I know how it feels
To be so confused
That you're so far out of control
And to be on the edge of your bed
With your head buried in your hands
Wishing that everything would end
I know how it feels to be the loneliest
So you sit and wait for a sign
That the coming days will be alright
And you drink
So you can forget another night
Bruised from the blackouts
And your blood red eyes
Try to start looking
For the brighter side
Wait for a sign
Wait for a sign
Wait for a sign
Welcome home
Everything will be alright
And I know how it feels
To be the best part
Of a running joke all of your life
Welcome home...
Outcasts welcome home
Outcasts welcome home
Outcasts welcome home
Welcome home...