Jumbled Thoughts
Recently I haven't been able to express myself. It's very irritating and made it hard to finish a paper in which I was supposed to express my thoughts about a book.
I try to journal, but my mind locks up and I have nothing to say. That or I just can't remember what I was going to say. My mind is shaken up worse than a martini. So, here it goes; I'm just gonna spew everything I can think of right now... maybe... gah.
There are so many different emotions coursing through me it's hard to just pick one and deal with it.
Anxiety
Apathy
Love
Fear
Insecurity
Depression
Confusion
Passion
They're all spinning and turning in my head so fast and I just throw up my hands and push them all away, just for a little while. There's so much in there and I just don't want to deal with it. All I want is peace, stillness. To be unburdened by their weight and thorny grasps.
It's odd how my mind works: I say things and ask questions that I already know the answers to.
I always try to handle things on my own, probably to prove myself, show that I can be strong, show that I'm not weak or helpless- it's defensive. Truth is, I can't handle things by myself. Whether I like it or not, I am not strong. I am weak. I have no need to prove myself this way.
I'm still such a child.
Every time I fall down there is a hand there to help me get back up, but instead of taking that hand I push it away. Stubborn rebellious child. You'd think after pushing away for so long that I'd catch the hint: take the hand and you won't fall down so much. But, no.
I'm not perfect. If I were perfect then I wouldn't be dealing with this. But everything would be so much more tolerable if I let God into the places I've kept so selfishly dark and shadowed.
Luke 11:36 "Therefore, if your body is full of light, and no part of it dark, it will be completely lighted, as when the light of a lamp shines on you."
Full of light.. and no part dark. Not even the corners will be exempt from feeling the light that God provides. Trying to keep something all to yourself and away from God doesn't usually turn out very well.
It's like if the only thing keeping me out of the welcoming mouth of a crocodile were my hands clamped around its snout.
GOD: "You, uh, want some help there?"
ME, sweating: "Nope. Nope, I'm good"
GOD, eying my grip: "Are you sure?"
ME: "Oh, yeah. I got this."
The sucky part is that it was my choice to try to handle things by myself. I chose to ignore help when it was offered, especially when I knew I needed it. Damned free will. Sometimes it would be easier if we just did as we were told, but then we would never learn anything. sigh.
Well.
I'd say this was rather productive. Maybe I should come on here more often.
Mental purging works a lot better than I thought. Oh well.
Better out than in, I guess. lol