new
hi,
my really long intro,
i'm out as ftm to over half of my friends and am set to start college at uc berkeley totally out. i am going to be living in a lgbtq gender neutral residence hall and my future roommate and everyone involved with the program knows i'm trans. so do the people at the orientation (july 12) because i had to call in advance to explain why i didn't want them to call my name out or give me a name tage.
i was on t for an extremely short time before i had to come back home for the summer as i couldn't afford my apartment, and due to health reasons, had to stop wearing my binder (am currently shopping for a binder that will work for my health needs). this would usually spur massive depression, but i'm taking 3 summer school courses and working as a chef (vegan restaurant) so i'm really too busy have a social life anyway. still, i feel like i can't fully be myself hiding like this--even alone in my room it's hard to act like 'me' with this body.
the only people i really talk to anymore are the people i have come out to as trans, and a few select people who i am still scared to tell but who i love way too much to stop being friends with. many people have stopped talking to me since i came out, but many have stayed around, which i am grateful for. my best friend was confused at first, but since has become the most supportive person i could ever imagine and he is literally with me every step of the way. he has educated himself on queer theory and gender issues, tells me whenever he reads something about trans issues in the news, goes to support groups with me and ally meetings and has stood up for me and others countless times. it's pretty crazy, his parents also know and accept me, so it's kind of like the familial support i never had.
now here's the issue. i love my family insanely much. they have hurt me a lot in the past, and are homophobic and rather conservative (and would probably be transphobic if they knew what it was). they flipped when i came out as gay (which isn't exactly true...i'm more queer/pan, but that's a different issue) and still won't discuss 'gay issues' or anything remotely non-hetero. i have tried to bring up gender issues but they absolutely refuse to discuss it--nevertheless, i have gotten it out there at least to my mother that i hate being called ma'am, woman, lady, girl, etc and don't feel like i am female. when i told her this, she really didn't get it--she told me to talk to my aunt who is kind of a black sheep, and gay, but not trans. so i guess she kind of lumped it all together with my being 'gay'. i am also preparing name-change papers, which my parents are very pissed off about. my name is not overtly male, more androgynous, and i think they are taking it as a sort of insult, even though it is not, and in fact i am keeping my first name, modified slightly, as a middle name as a tribute to them.
one might think that it's obvious that i'm ftm. not so, apparently. my hair is indeed short, i wear all boys clothes, and i pass in pictures often, and within the boundaries of the '15 minute rule' (meaning after 15 minutes people have figured it out) and at clubs/at nighttime. my voice has changed slightly, but is still high, and i have a very, very wide range (i sing, might be part of it). i'm also 'eccentric', or dubbed so everyfreakingwhere by people (a math/engineering major, artistic, a bit odd, like edgar allen poe, rpgs and organic food, etc) so people tend to take the whole looking-like-a-16-year-old-boy thing with a grain of salt. especially in the places i have lived--san francisco, and right now santa monica where everybody and their mother who is serious about yoga is damn near bald.
my point? i want to start my life. i feel like i'm going to miss it, and i see my best friend living what i right now can only dream of and it's pathetic, but i don't want to be a bystander anymore. but i'm so fucking scared. i keep thinking that i can just live in my head, and become engrossed in yoga and math and all sorts of disciplines where the superficial appearance of the body really doesn't 'matter', but it still matters to me. i can't fathom having an obituary that reads '85 year old woman and former engineer/physicist/mathematician dies of ______ and will be deeply missed. She is survived by her adopted children x,y, z and parter ____" or whatever. That to me would be the obituary of a ghost, if that makes any sense. It's like she never existed to begin with.
I hate hearing that I "make such a gorgeous girl" and that I'm internalizing homophobia and need to accept just being a lesbian, or that I have psychological problems, or that "gender doesn't matter, it's who you are". i live in a world where who i am is shaped by how i am reacted to....people are not singular and consistent, independently created entities, but rather we are shaped by our environment just as we shape our environment.
is anybody else in this situation? i want to transition fully but i can't stand breaking people's hearts or ruining their lives. maybe it's not my fault that they have problems where that would happen, but i feel like i have a lot of responsibility and a lot of weight on my shoulders.
Here's me
If anyone wants to talk I would really like to. my sn is adreamofform.
--quinn conor
my really long intro,
i'm out as ftm to over half of my friends and am set to start college at uc berkeley totally out. i am going to be living in a lgbtq gender neutral residence hall and my future roommate and everyone involved with the program knows i'm trans. so do the people at the orientation (july 12) because i had to call in advance to explain why i didn't want them to call my name out or give me a name tage.
i was on t for an extremely short time before i had to come back home for the summer as i couldn't afford my apartment, and due to health reasons, had to stop wearing my binder (am currently shopping for a binder that will work for my health needs). this would usually spur massive depression, but i'm taking 3 summer school courses and working as a chef (vegan restaurant) so i'm really too busy have a social life anyway. still, i feel like i can't fully be myself hiding like this--even alone in my room it's hard to act like 'me' with this body.
the only people i really talk to anymore are the people i have come out to as trans, and a few select people who i am still scared to tell but who i love way too much to stop being friends with. many people have stopped talking to me since i came out, but many have stayed around, which i am grateful for. my best friend was confused at first, but since has become the most supportive person i could ever imagine and he is literally with me every step of the way. he has educated himself on queer theory and gender issues, tells me whenever he reads something about trans issues in the news, goes to support groups with me and ally meetings and has stood up for me and others countless times. it's pretty crazy, his parents also know and accept me, so it's kind of like the familial support i never had.
now here's the issue. i love my family insanely much. they have hurt me a lot in the past, and are homophobic and rather conservative (and would probably be transphobic if they knew what it was). they flipped when i came out as gay (which isn't exactly true...i'm more queer/pan, but that's a different issue) and still won't discuss 'gay issues' or anything remotely non-hetero. i have tried to bring up gender issues but they absolutely refuse to discuss it--nevertheless, i have gotten it out there at least to my mother that i hate being called ma'am, woman, lady, girl, etc and don't feel like i am female. when i told her this, she really didn't get it--she told me to talk to my aunt who is kind of a black sheep, and gay, but not trans. so i guess she kind of lumped it all together with my being 'gay'. i am also preparing name-change papers, which my parents are very pissed off about. my name is not overtly male, more androgynous, and i think they are taking it as a sort of insult, even though it is not, and in fact i am keeping my first name, modified slightly, as a middle name as a tribute to them.
one might think that it's obvious that i'm ftm. not so, apparently. my hair is indeed short, i wear all boys clothes, and i pass in pictures often, and within the boundaries of the '15 minute rule' (meaning after 15 minutes people have figured it out) and at clubs/at nighttime. my voice has changed slightly, but is still high, and i have a very, very wide range (i sing, might be part of it). i'm also 'eccentric', or dubbed so everyfreakingwhere by people (a math/engineering major, artistic, a bit odd, like edgar allen poe, rpgs and organic food, etc) so people tend to take the whole looking-like-a-16-year-old-boy thing with a grain of salt. especially in the places i have lived--san francisco, and right now santa monica where everybody and their mother who is serious about yoga is damn near bald.
my point? i want to start my life. i feel like i'm going to miss it, and i see my best friend living what i right now can only dream of and it's pathetic, but i don't want to be a bystander anymore. but i'm so fucking scared. i keep thinking that i can just live in my head, and become engrossed in yoga and math and all sorts of disciplines where the superficial appearance of the body really doesn't 'matter', but it still matters to me. i can't fathom having an obituary that reads '85 year old woman and former engineer/physicist/mathematician dies of ______ and will be deeply missed. She is survived by her adopted children x,y, z and parter ____" or whatever. That to me would be the obituary of a ghost, if that makes any sense. It's like she never existed to begin with.
I hate hearing that I "make such a gorgeous girl" and that I'm internalizing homophobia and need to accept just being a lesbian, or that I have psychological problems, or that "gender doesn't matter, it's who you are". i live in a world where who i am is shaped by how i am reacted to....people are not singular and consistent, independently created entities, but rather we are shaped by our environment just as we shape our environment.
is anybody else in this situation? i want to transition fully but i can't stand breaking people's hearts or ruining their lives. maybe it's not my fault that they have problems where that would happen, but i feel like i have a lot of responsibility and a lot of weight on my shoulders.
Here's me
If anyone wants to talk I would really like to. my sn is adreamofform.
--quinn conor