I think there's something wrong with me.
I’ve been considering my relationship with food a lot lately. Here are some facts I’m trying to reconcile:
- I generally DISLIKE eating. The process of food and drink in my mouth, swallowing, the belly feeling of having finished a meal.
- I do enjoy the ritual of a meal with family or friends in a restaurant or at home. Drinking alcohol with a balanced, savory meal, and eating dessert.
- After a meal like that, I usually want to have sex.
- I have always had a poor appetite. When I used to babysit my little brother and sister, I would often forget to feed them because the urge to eat never struck me. When I was running a lot in high school, my parents would have to force me to eat at least enough calories to cover the ones I was burning in training. I hated sitting at the table until my food was finished, often missing the bus or social activities because I COULD NOT choke it down.
- I like to prepare meals WITH and FOR others. I love cooking with Jack for Thanksgiving and I relish hosting dinners at my house. I am proud when I cook good, tasty, quality food for my loved ones. But I hate prepping basic lunches for myself, and even for Jack.
- I want to eat well, but too often can simply not be bothered.
- A complex diet with varied food items overwhelms me. I’d be ok eating the same few things pretty much every day if it gave me the fuel I needed to get through the day.
- I often have low energy.
- When I am hungry, I get depressed. If the weakness and sadness get too overwhelming, I loose the ability to prepare myself a meal and usually just try to go to sleep. Or I make ramen.
- I WANT to eat local, organic, fresh, healthy food, but I don’t make grocery shopping a priority and I don’t leave myself enough time to sufficiently prepare said foods, often opting for less-good convenience items.
- I wish there were pills that would satisfy your basic nutrition that I could take with my vitamin so that I didn’t need to eat at all.
- Sometimes, I feel proud of myself if I can refrain from eating.
- I like appetite suppressants like Adderall and RedBull and often use them to postpone a needed meal.
Who can I get to tell me whether I have an eating disorder?? And what can I do to improve?