rant
ok, so here's the thing. I still live with my parents right? So of course, being a teenager, i have my occasional run ins with them. One paticular thing is the dishes. I hate doing the dishes, and i whinge about it, which i shouldnt. Now, something else about me is that I have these irrationally disproportionate emotional responses. I dont know why, I just always have. I was the kid who would cry if someone looked at me funny. I have spent alot of time and energy into surpressing these irrational emotional responses. My parents reckon it probably contributed to my depression. Now tonight, mum tells me to do the dishes. I have a fairly normal emotional response to this, frustration, a bit of annoyance, that sort of thing. so i pull a face. I squeeze my eyes shut, throw back my head, and really want to make a noise that sounds something like 'mmmmnnnnngg'. however, i dont. as soon as i realise im pulling a face, i remember how im not suppose to whinge, i stop pulling the face, and say in a perfectly reasonable voice 'yeah, okay.' this all happens in about a second. they start complaining about how i make a big deal out of it and it makes it an unpleasant experiance for them to ask me to do a routine task. I get where their coming from, i really do, but i pulled a face. Literally, i pulled a face for half a second, then said, yeah, okay. I complain about the fact that im not allowed to express my emotions, talk talk talk, 'so i should basically supress all my emotions' 'all the negative ones, yes'. Fuck! i cant cope with where the conversation is going, cause im getting angry, and i know if i get angry, ill get in more trouble. so i walk out, and start doing the dishes. Dad FOLLOWS me, and starts making sure i understand, and agree with their point of view. Im sick of hearing about it. i say yes yes yes to whatever he says, and yes, im grumpy. he starts complaining about the fact that im angry. I mean, for crying out loud! I'm not a bad daughter. I dont swear at home, i dont yell at my parents, i dont stay out late, i hardly get drunk, ive NEVER had a boyfriend, but the fact that i dare to allow it to show on my face that im not thrilled about doing housework, I mean come on! so here I am trying to let out some of the disproportionate RAGE that has filled me, that i had to completely clamp down on and not let show at all. i was so angry i was shaking, but i didnt make a sound, i did the dishes, i replied civilly to my parents as they talked in the kitchen, i didnt slam any doors, i didnt break anything, i didnt even stomp. i did everything very quickly, but that wasnt a paticularly negative effect. Now im in my room, and i feel a bit calmer, cause i screamed into my matress, and ive ranted fo a while, but i still feel physically sick, im still typing really hard and i still want to HIT something. However, if i make to much noise, my parents will come in to see whats wrong, and i'll get in trouble for making life difficult for them by being angry. so ill lie here, and try to calm down, and add another great scoop to the bottle of repressed emotions i have inside me. And they tell me its unhealthy to supress my emotions. fuck. no wonder i get depressed.
if you read all that, wow, you really shouldnt have bothered, it ws just a theraputic rant.
EDIT: and i just killed a spider in my bed. i dont know why thats significant, i just feel like it is.
if you read all that, wow, you really shouldnt have bothered, it ws just a theraputic rant.
EDIT: and i just killed a spider in my bed. i dont know why thats significant, i just feel like it is.