Angus = my ♥
One of my favorite movies, since the time of its release, has been Angus. This is one of the few teen movies that, in my opinion, unequivocally “got it right.” Part of the reason, I think, has to do with when it came out -- I was just starting middle school, kind of an outcast, and Angus Bethune totally spoke to me. Add a terrific supporting cast -- Kathy Bates and George C. Scott in his last big screen performance -- and you have a recipe for a hit, at least as far as I’m concerned. I can’t believe it still has not been properly released to DVD.
“My mother named me after my father,” Angus tells us in voice over. “A cow’s name.” It didn’t help, he says, that he was a big baby. We get a glimpse of chubby baby Angus stuffing his face with a cookie. Kathy Bates stands over his crib, looking pleased. Angus VO’s that his father died of a heart attack while his mom was in labor with him. Poor kid. That’s a rough start, but, Angus says, “this wasn‘t really my problem.” He thought his family was pretty normal until he started kindergarten.
Angus is at a birthday party, and totally enjoying his cake when this little blonde snot-nosed asshole kid starts in on him. “Angus Bethune is a fat kid,” he says. “He’s so hungry, he eats his boogers!” The rest of the kids point and laugh as Angus VO’s that the blonde snot-nosed asshole kid, Rick Sanford, is his problem. Rick asks if Angus wants to play Pin the Tail on the Donkey and offers Angus up to be the donkey. I had a couple Rick Sanfords in my school. I still remember who you are, assholes. Angus throws a mean right hook and busts Rick right in the face before running off. Go, Angus! He totally deserved it. A little boy looks at Rick, who‘s laying on the ground in pain: “You broke his nose, Angus!” Good.
School. Boys’ room. A little freckle-faced redheaded boy is standing in front of a stall, with about ten or so other little boys huddled around him. The little Weasley is charging five cents to see his cousin’s pubic hair. As you do. Angus VO’s that the little Weasley is Troy Wedburg, and he’s been Angus’s best friend since that day. Rick Sanford grabs the pubes, which are wrapped up in toilet paper or something, from Troy and says that Troy is a liar. Angus steps out of the stall: “Give him his pubic hair back, Rick.” Instead of complying, Rick makes a tired Angus/cow joke, so Angus slugs him in the face. Rightly so. Look, I know that violence isn’t the answer. Doesn’t solve a thing, creates more problems, etc. But since this is a movie and Rick Sanford and Angus Bethune are not real people, I have no problem with Angus popping Rick in the nose every time Rick crosses the line with him, and I will agree with Angus that Rick deserves it every. Single. Time. Angus and Troy run down the hall: “You broke his nose, Angus!”
“I was incredibly quick for a fat kid, and grades came pretty easy to me, but I was sure willing to swap it all for a little physical beauty,” Angus VO’s as we cut to a skating rink. Angus skates by Melissa Lefevre as she is trying to get some Carl kid to let go of her. Seconds later, she succeeds and Carl goes flying across the rink, arms flailing, into the wall. Angus VO’s that that’s the day he fell in love with Melissa: “Melissa Lefevre was that girl that just made you ache, because you know she was put on this earth out of your reach only to make you feel bad.” Angus is too busy ogling Melissa to pay any attention to anything else, and even though Troy tries to warn him, Angus ends up skating right into the wall.
Park. Angus and Troy are sitting at a picnic table. Angus catches a football thrown from somewhere offscreen, and we see it’s Rick. Rick asks if Angus wants to play football as Angus VO’s that Rick only got more popular and better looking each time Angus broke his nose. When Rick says that Angus can be the field, Angus lobs the football right at his face. Rick falls down: “You broke his nose, Angus!” “Worse,” Angus VO’s, “he got Melissa Lefevre.” Melissa is played by that girl from Jurassic Park and is totally adorable, so it’s easy to see why Angus is all about her. Angus has his back turned to Rick and Melissa and asks Shermanator Troy what Melissa is doing. Shermanator Troy responds that she’s making sure Rick’s okay.
Football game. Angus, in his uniform and helmet, asks Shermanator Troy, also in a uniform, what Melissa is doing. Of course, Melissa is trying to see if Rick’s okay, and of course, Melissa is a cheerleader. Rick’s sidelined with some sort of…ankle injury? I don’t know. I also know next to nothing about football, and I’m five by five, keeping it that way, so don’t expect much from me during the football scenes. Sorry. Kinda. Angus speaks my heart’s truth when he says he hates Rick, and then VO’s that Rick had everything: “Looks, smarts, and Melissa. I had Troy. And he had,” “Jock itch,” Shermanator Troy whispers. Okay, first of all, Angus is, in his own words, “a fat kid who’s good at science and fair at football,” but he’s not a bad-looking kid. So he’s decent looking and he’s smart and he’s on the football team, so he has that going for him. And Rick may have Melissa, but looks? Rick Sanford is played by James Van der Beek, better known to television audiences as Dawson Leery, and his forehead takes up half my damn TV screen, and he has stupid hair and a dumb face. I hated Dawson and I hate Rick. Sorry. I’m better now. Anyway, Love Split Love’s “Am I Wrong” plays as the marching band performs their halftime number. More credits. I love this version of “Am I Wrong.” The addition of the marching band is beautiful.
Halftime’s over. The team runs back onto the field and huddles up. Angus VO: “Growing up, you wait for that one moment that’s truly yours, for something to happen that makes you believe maybe once in a while, the good guys can win. I was still waiting.” Rick calls out a play and grabs Angus by the face mask: “Watch my ass.” “I’m watching it right now.” Hee. Angus is a wall, unmovable, and it’s pretty much impossible for a defensive lineman to shake him. Angus pushes guys from the other team off him like flies as Rick throws the ball. A player from the opposite team catches it, but Angus takes off after him and tackles the guy, causing him to fumble. Of course, the ball lands in Rick’s hands and he runs with it, everyone (Shermanator Troy included, but Angus excluded -- he’s still on his back from the tackle) cheering him on. And of course, Rick makes the touchdown. That’s about the extent of my football knowledge right there, y’all. Don’t expect anything more from me.
Angus VO: “I had caused the fumble that won us the game! I was sure that any minute now, they would come running toward me, cheering, ‘Angus! Angus!’” You shouldn’t be surprised that this doesn’t happen, or that everyone rushes Rick instead. I hate the guy, but he did score the touchdown. Angus isn’t happy that Rick has yet another victory under his belt and wishes via VO that he could know how that feels, “just for one moment.”
School. Day. Goo Goo Dolls “Ain’t That Unusual” plays. I’m sure I’m going to say this a lot over the course of the recap, but I absolutely adore this soundtrack. It sums up my middle school CD collection quite nicely. Angus is giving a presentation to his science class: “I’m trying to prove that if you put a small, abnormal element in a large homogenous system, the system will reject the deviation rather than mutate, usually causing an exothermic reaction.” Kinda like high school, huh, Angus? Angus puts a drop of something -- his small, abnormal element, maybe -- in a…I don’t know what this is even called; science was never my best subject, and I’m so far removed from high school…Petri dish? It’s small and round and science-y, is all I know. Mr. Arnold, my high school chemistry teacher, would be disappointed, especially because I actually did well in that class. Hate science, but loved chemistry. Anyway, so Angus has his Petri dish sitting on the overhead projector so the class can see what’s going on. There’s a puff of smoke and a kind of popping noise, so I guess Angus proved his hypothesis true. The bell rings, so nobody cares about science anymore. Angus’s teacher praises his work and everyone packs up their books. Rick just sits there and mean mugs Angus for a minute, because Rick Sanford is a dick. Rick, Melissa, and their friends Mike and Andy file past Angus. Mike and Andy mock Angus as they walk by, because Mike and Andy are also pretty toolish (which is a shame, since Kevin Connolly is so pretty). If Mike looks familiar, it’s because he’s the son from Ghost Dad, which is a pretty awful movie, but I still enjoy it, whatever. The teacher compliments Rick on his touchdown, which, of course. Then she tells Angus that the principal wants to see him.
Principal’s office. It’s one of those that has big windows that looks into the main office. Angus looks nervous and slightly sweaty, and lifts his arm to do a quick sniff before he notices one of the kids outside the office looking at him. He quickly covers by stretching and yawning. Hee. Smooth, Angus. Smooth. The principal comes in and tells Angus that his application to Jefferson has been accepted: “Jefferson is the best magnet school in the district. You’ll have to do a science project. It’s all in the letter.” He gives the aforementioned letter to Angus and tells him what a great opportunity it is. If Angus doesn’t go, though, the principal “won’t have to worry about losing my best JV tackle.” Angus just thanks him and splits.
Angus’s house. Angus is inside, arm wrestling Kathy Bates. Angus VO’s that his mom thinks he’s perfect, “but that’s coming from someone who drives a truck and whose CB handle is Bruiser.” I like her already. Angus tells his mom he got his interview for Jefferson and her arm drops. She is so excited and so pleased for him, and she gets up hugs him and squeals that he got in, even though Angus points out that it’s just an interview. It’s very cute, and Kathy Bates plays the happy, proud mom well.
General Patton sits sleeping in a recliner: “My grandfather. He was as smart as they come -- when he was awake.” Angus puts a record on and reveille (should that be capitalized? Google yielded nothing useful) starts playing, which, of course, wakes up Grandpa Patton.
Dinner table. Angus, his mom, and Grandpa Patton are sitting at the table. Angus’s mom warns Grandpa Patton to go easy on the salt, and he gives her a smirk. Angus’s mom tells Grandpa Patton about Angus’s Jefferson interview and Angus changes the subject by mentioning that Aunt Ruthie RSVPed. Uncle Barry RSVPed, too, and Angus gets kind of pissy, asking if he’s bringing Wednesday and Pugsley (spell check suggests “Parsley.” Heh. I think that would be an entirely different movie altogether) along with. Mom says yes, Uncle Barry is bringing the whole family, and they can stay in Angus’s room. Angus gets to bunk with Grandpa Patton. Angus gets even saltier. Grandpa Patton apparently snores: “big nose hair snores!” Grandpa Patton retorts that Angus grinds his teeth, but Angus points out that they’re at least his own teeth. “These are my teeth!” “I guess. You paid for ‘em.” The acting in this movie is really, really strong, and of course George C. Scott was fantastic, anyway, but the scenes between him and Charlie Talbot are incredible. Those two had amazing chemistry and totally sold every scene. Mom says that April, who appears to be Grandpa Patton’s fiancé, wants to hire a polka band for the wedding. I couldn’t even with a polka band, I just couldn’t. Mom tells Angus how hard it is to throw a wedding together at the last minute, and she doesn’t see why, since April is thirty years younger than Grandpa Patton, they have to get married at all. She suggests that they just live together. Dude, if it makes him happy, let him get married. Grandpa Patton wonders why Mom is talking about him like he’s not there. Angus wonders why she’s talking to him like he’s an adult. Mom wonders who gets married at 72. “I am 71,” Grandpa Patton corrects. Mom thinks it’s not normal, and neither is April. She rants some more before Angus points out that Grandpa Patton has fallen asleep. Getting old sucks.
School. Lunch. Angus and Shermanator Troy are eating outside at a picnic table. Troy has on headphones and is making these super loud, super gross sniffling sounds: “I’m swallowing snot!” Shermanator Troy’s listening to the radio because the first caller into the station when Green Day is played wins tickets to see them. Hey, I wouldn’t mind free tickets to see Green Day. Just sayin’. Shermanator Troy tells Angus that if he goes to Jefferson, he “might as well become a monk…You become a science geek. No way you‘re gonna get babes! Girls don‘t want brains. They want guys who are dangerous, have tattoos, play the guitar! Stick with me; I know these things.” First of all, Shermanator Troy is a scrawny Weasley with way stick-y out-y ears, and also a virgin who can‘t drive, so he is the last person Angus should be getting girl advice from. Second of all, girls like smart guys. I would never date a guy that I thought was stupid. None of my girlfriends would, either. We like our men smart. I would totally date a science geek.
Hallway. A girl is handing out flyers, remind students to vote for their Winter Ball King and Queen. Shermanator Troy suggests that he and Angus check out the dance: “Watch everyone spaz out on the dance floor, looking at all the dildos standing around pretending to wanna be there.” “Troy, we are those dildos.” Shermanator Troy’s mom is making him go to the dance. Shermanator Troy hears Green Day and heads for the pay phone, running straight into Rick and his tools. Mike and Andy insult Angus and Shermanator Troy until Rick tells them to lay off: “Thanks for the tackle, buffoo -- Bethune.” Yeah, Rick can go to hell. Angus shoves Rick just as the principal walks up. The principal tells Angus to save his anger for the football field: “If you want into Jefferson, you have to do better than this. One suspension and you lose your shot! And I will suspend you, Angus.” Angus storms off as the bell rings. Rick picks up a Winter Ball flyer and gets an idea.
Park. Grandpa Patton is sitting at one of those outdoor chess tables with a friend while Angus mopes. Grandpa Patton implores Angus to talk to Melissa, “just once, before I die, okay?” Angus says he can’t, because Melissa is popular and he’s afraid of what everyone will say if he does. “Angus, remember these words, and always live by them. ‘Screw 'em.’ Who cares what anybody thinks?” “I do.” I totally know how Angus feels, because that’s pretty much exactly how I felt the entire time I was in school. Now, “Screw 'em” really is my mantra, but I wish I’d had the courage to embrace it while I was still in high school. Everything could have been different. Grandpa Patton knows how hard it is, and it wasn’t easy for him to ask April out, but he didn’t do it because he was old and senile, as Angus suggests. He did it because he said, “Screw 'em.” He didn’t care what anybody thought. “You can’t remember what anybody thinks, anyway. Your mind is shot.” Angus says that “you don’t talk to Melissa Lefevre when you’re the fat kid who’s good at science.” Grandpa Patton says that Angus isn’t fat, he just comes “from big people” and that he’s normal “for where you’re coming from.” Angus protests that he isn’t normal. Grandpa Patton thinks Angus is at an irritating age. The feeling is mutual.
Pep rally. Shermanator Troy is wondering why Angus isn’t wearing blue, since it’s School Spirit Day or some such bullshit, especially since “they sent out flyers!” “Who reads those things?” Angus asks, which in the real world would be a valid question. This, however, is a movie, so the camera pans out to show us that everyone but Angus is wearing blue. Angus, of course, is wearing red, and the wide shot of him, this little red dot, in a sea of blue totally mimics his science project. Coincidence? Shermanator Troy gets turned on by a girl wearing a recycling bin. It’s time for the announcement of Winter Ball King and Queen. Rick thinks he got the votes he wanted, but it isn’t a guarantee. Class president Rick Sanford announces the Winter Ball theme (courage) and gives a lame little speech about making “it a memory none of us will ever forget.” I join Shermanator Troy in making fake puking noises, because sometimes I’m twelve. The Winter Ball Queen is Melissa, quelle surprise. The class VP announces that the Winter Ball King is…Angus and Shermanator Troy are quietly chanting, “Not Rick, not Rick, not Rick.” “Angus Bethune?” Angus and Shermanator Troy high five, and every single head turns to look at them. Angus is called to join Melissa onstage. Shermanator Troy sneaks out and pulls the fire alarm to rescue his friend from embarrassment. Angus VO’s that he knew it was a joke, “but like my grandfather says, ‘Laugh with 'em, and they can’t laugh at you.’” He tells Shermanator Troy he’s not going to the dance. Shermanator Troy argues that Angus gets “to dance with Melissa Lefevre. I’d sell body parts for a chance like that!” Angus thinks Melissa’s probably vomiting at the thought of dancing with him. Eh, he’s half right. Shermanator Troy points out that Melissa is, in fact, right down the hall. Angus VO’s that as long as he’s known Melissa, he’s never talked to her. He practices saying “hi” under his breath: “Hey, you’re Melissa, right? Duh, of course she’s Melissa!” The whole time, he’s at the water fountain, and he ends up spraying himself all down his front. He freezes, and Melissa walks right on by: “And at that moment, I realized I probably never would.”
Angus is working on his science project in his room and listening to “Rubella” by the Smoking Popes. This soundtrack is amazing. Angus VO’s that he figures Melissa is comparing dancing with Angus at the Winter Ball with going to the dentist. She’ll be there with Rick, so it’s just once dance, in and out and done. “Of course, Melissa hadn’t seen me dance.” Slow dances are pretty easy, though. You pretty much just stay in the same spot and sway in time to the music.
Shermanator Troy’s. He’s explaining to Angus that “when you want something, you have to motivate yourself.” Shermanator Troy has a picture of Melissa in her cheerleading uniform projected on his wall and uses a laser pointer to circle her stomach: “Motivation. Little stomach muscles above the belly button. Tiny blonde hairs on long, athletic thighs.” Shermanator Troy is kind of a creep. His plan is to turn Angus “from a large, pathetic virgin into a large, pathetic virgin with a new look!”
Grandpa Patton’s room. He’s snoring his big nose hair snores in his recliner as Angus enters, holding a record and sporting the most unfortunate haircut I’ve seen since my mom gave me an at-home perm in middle school. Reveille plays and Grandpa Patton startles: “I was awake, dammit!” My dad does the same thing, and it drives me up a fucking wall. He'll fall asleep in his recliner in front of the TV, and you know he's sleeping because my dad also has big nose hair snores, but the second you change the channel, he's awake and it's, "I was watching that!" You were not. Just go back to sleep and let me watch Project Runway, okay? Angus gives him his pill and explains that he has to go to the Winter Ball because he was voted King as a joke. Grandpa Patton asks if Rick had anything to do with it, and Angus wishes he had broken Rick’s nose. Grandpa Patton correctly points out that Angus “can’t go around beating everybody up just 'cause they don’t like” him. He tells Angus to use his head: “You have a big heart, Angus.” “I have a fat heart, Grandpa.” Angus explains that he can’t dance and Grandpa Patton describes the Irish Swoon. It’s an old family secret that involves cradling a girl in your arms (“Crushing her ribs.”), sweeping her back (“And snap her neck.”), and kissing her (“Yeah, and then she’s traumatized for life and goes on a shooting spree, killing large people.” “Angus, shut up.”). That’s how he scored April.
Grandpa Patton’s car, continuing the conversation and picking up Shermanator Troy. Angus explains that he’ll never get the chance to kiss Melissa because he sweats. Dude, everybody sweats. “I don’t sweat, I rain!” Shermanator Troy, who is Q-Tipping his ears, thinks that’s gross. Thanks for the tip, Shermanator Troy. Angus and I are both surprised that Shermanator Troy thinks something is gross. The kid is gross. Grandpa Patton voices how ridiculous Angus’s new haircut looks. “It was an experiment, damn it!”
Madame Rulenska’s dance studio. Madame Rulenska is Rita Moreno, so at least Angus is getting lessons from somebody good. Angus is…bad. He steps on Madame Rulenska’s scarf and nearly chokes her and steps on her feet. Grandpa Patton: “Screw 'em, Angus, just dance!” Angus finally just follows the cutouts of feet taped to the floor. He’s doing okay until he just falls over.
Tuxedo shop. Angus is being fitted for a suit, but the largest size the shop has in black is too small. Angus wants black. His only option for a suit that fits, though, is this hideous purple monstrosity. “It’s purple,” is Angus’s objection. I can’t find any fault with his logic. “It’s plum,” the salesman corrects. Not making lemonade out of these lemons, buddy. Grandpa Patton thinks it’s classy, because Grandpa Patton is old and out of touch. Shermanator Troy and Angus: “It’s plum.” But it is Angus’s size. Everyone else will be wearing black, and Angus doesn’t want to be different: “I want normal. I want socially acceptable. I want a black tuxedo.” Grandpa Patton argues that it will look great on Angus, “and as for what anybody else thinks, always remember these words, and live by 'em: ‘Screw 'em.’” They bicker some more. Shermanator Troy suggests putting it on a corpse and burying it. Not a bad idea, honestly.
Shermanator Troy’s room. He brings out an inflatable doll, “Wanda,” so Angus can practice dancing with a partner: “My dad used to have her in his waiting room, but she kinda scared all the kids.” Shermanator Troy is videotaping Angus dancing with Wanda: “It’s what jocks do, so they can see where they make mistakes.” I can kind of see where Shermanator Troy is coming from. Angus gives in on the condition that “no one sees the tape? And you don’t tell your mother?” Shermanator Troy tells Angus to look under Wanda’s shirt: “A girl’s bod is a girl’s bod!” Shermanator Troy is going to remain a virgin for a very long time. Angus explains that there’s more to girls than just their bodies, and Shermanator Troy sarcastically asks if Angus likes Melissa for her grades. “She’s beautiful, okay? There’s something about her…I don’t know what it is. I get the worst pain in my stomach whenever I see her.” “You get a boner in your stomach?” Shermanator Troy loans Wanda to Angus for a week’s worth of practice.
Montage set to Green Day’s “J.A.R. (Jason Andrew Relva).” Angus is biking. Angus is lifting weights. Angus is doing sit-ups while Troy ogles the Buns of Steel chick. Angus is working on his science project and looking frustrated. Angus is dancing in a jacket and tie. Angus is playing air guitar with Shermanator Troy. The music fades out as the radio announcer introduces the caller who just won Green Day tickets, Rick Sanford: “I was just walking by a phone booth, and I heard Green Day come on over this guy’s car radio, so I just decided to call!”
School. Hallway. Rick, Mike, and Andy taunt Shermanator Troy as they pass him, talking about how they’re looking forward to seeing Angus make a fool of himself at the dance. Shermanator Troy sticks up for Angus, telling them he’s going to blow them away on the dance floor. Rick is worried, because he can’t dance.
Locker room. Rick tells Angus that Melissa’s complaining about having to dance with Angus before walking away. Angus realizes that Rick stole his shirt and skivvies from his locker. That’s so he could run them up the flagpole. Not the shirt, just the boxers. Angus hides behind a bush and watches, helplessly, as the boxers come loose in the wind and fly right into Melissa’s face as she walks by. “That’s what you call gettin’ a slice of the ol’ dick pie,” Shermanator Troy says.
Shermanator Troy is sought out by Rick and his friends. They want Shermanator Troy to help them prank Angus at the dance. Shermanator Troy resists until Rick’s friends beat him up, and Rick tells Troy, who is crying on the ground, to reconsider.
Park. Grandpa Patton and his friend are playing chess when Angus shows up to remind Grandpa Patton to take his pill. Angus says he’s thinking of breaking Rick’s nose again. Grandpa Patton wants to know “what happens when another quarterback comes along? ‘Cause there’s always gonna be another quarterback.” Angus says that people suck, and he’s tired of it: “That’s why I wanted to go to Jefferson, okay? Because no one will know who I am. And if nobody knows who I am, then I don’t have to be Angus Bethune.” Grandpa Patton says he understands: “You think I don’t know what they’re saying about April and me? She’s too young? I’m too old? Screw ‘em! You don’t see me punching anybody out.” “”Cause you’re a fool, Grandpa! And I’m tired of being one!” “I’m a fool, huh? Well, April doesn’t think so, and I’m getting married tomorrow. And I don’t care what the hell anybody says about it, I need my moment, damn it!”
Angus’s house. He’s working on his science project with no luck. Grandpa Patton, in the hall, tells Mom that she needs to back off, that she’s all over him about the wedding and all over Angus “about this science school crap.” Mom explains that she’s pushing Angus to do so well because the Jefferson interview is such a good opportunity: “It’s a chance for him to excel at something he’s really great at!” It’s also a chance for him to kind of get a do-over. She knows the votes for Winter Ball King are part of a joke, and she doesn’t want her son to be humiliated like that. Grandpa Patton thinks Angus is tougher than Mom gives him credit for. Mom tells Grandpa Patton about all the name-calling and the skivvies-up-the-flagpole thing, “and he gets up and he goes back there every single day, so don’t you tell me I don’t know how strong my son is. I know. And if he wants to go to any Goddamn school where the kids won’t slap their bellies every time he walks by, then he damn well can.” “That was you, kid. Third grade. Look how you turned out.” They hug. You’ll have to excuse me for a minute; I seem to have something in my eye…that scene gets me. Kathy Bates and George C. Scott are wonderful together.
Back in Angus’s room, he pulls Wanda out of the closet and practices his dancing some more. He’s not half bad, honestly. Mom comes in his room and laughs at Angus dancing with a blowup doll because, come on, that shit’s kind of funny. Poor Wanda deflates. “Is this a friend?” Hee! Mom exposits that Angus has his Jefferson interview on the same day as the Winter Ball, but the interview is at 3:00, giving Angus plenty of time to do both. Angus does the exasperated teenager eye roll, until Mom leans close and whispers, “Häagen-Dazs.”
Bleachers at sunset. Shermanator Troy approaches Rick and the Pips and hands him something, then walks away.
Wedding day! Angus VO’s that his grandfather has always been “the big kid down the hall. It’s funny how you can be so comfortable with someone that you think they’ll always be there. And then one day, you realize they’re not.” Last minute preparations are being made. Mom doesn’t think there’s enough food. We meet April as she asks Angus to help her for a minute. She’s very cute and very nervous. Angus has given her a schedule for Grandpa Patton’s pills. “Oh, I know! Twelve and five.” “One and four.” Yeah, that’s something you should remember. April promises she won’t forget because she’s all got it written down in a little notebook. She sends Angus to tell Grandpa Patton that she’s almost ready.
Grandpa Patton is so excited to get married, and it’s very adorable. He’s like a kid with his enthusiasm. He asks Angus how April looks: “That woman, every time I look at her, I get the worst pain -- right in the middle of my stomach, you know? It‘s a great feeling!” Angus apologizes for his outburst the other day and is glad about the wedding: “You should see her; I think she really loves you a lot. But still, it takes a lot of guts. You got balls, Grandpa. More than me.” Then Grandpa Patton launches into the Superman Argument: “Superman isn’t brave…He’s smart, handsome, decent…but he’s not brave. Now, listen to me. Superman is indestructible, and you can’t be brave if you’re indestructible. It’s people like you and your mother -- people who are different -- they can be crushed and know it, yet they keep going on out there every time.” Angus doesn’t think he’s brave at all -- he is terrified of going to the dance and he knows everyone thinks he’s stupid for trying -- but he’s still kind of optimistic because it’s almost like he kind of has a chance with Melissa: “I’m not crazy. I know she’s not going to be struck blind and ask me to take her home from the dance, or anything. But it’s the only chance I’ll have. And I guess I just want one moment with her. Just one. I just want my moment.” Grandpa Patton’s fallen asleep in his recliner, so Angus starts reveille on the phonograph. Grandpa Patton doesn’t wake up. Grandpa Patton has passed away. Angus goes downstairs, crying, and Mom realizes what’s happened.
Park. Grandpa Patton’s chess buddy is seated at the table, waiting for Grandpa Patton. Angus walks up, and without saying a word, moves the pawn in front of the king forward two pieces. He then lays down the king on the board, and I am crying. Sorry, but it’s such a short scene and it’s so poignant. Shermanator Troy shows up, arm in a cast. He lies that he fell of his bike and the cast is a babe magnet. Lies! Angus says he’ll be back in school the next day, but due to the time of his Jefferson interview, he won’t be going to the dance. Shermanator Troy looks kind of pleased, because he’s sold out his best friend and is feeling pretty bad about it. Shermanator Troy offers to bring over Cindy Crawford’s new butt and thigh workout video, and Angus screams at him that Shermanator Troy doesn’t understand. “I don’t know how it feels? You think you’re the only person on earth who wakes up every morning wishing they were someone else?” Angus tells Shermanator Troy that he wanted to go to the dance, though, and Shermanator Troy rightfully asks, “Then why aren’t you going?” Screw ’em, Angus.
Angus is taking wedding decorations out to the garbage when April shows up. Her watch beeps: time for Grandpa Patton’s pill. Aw, sad. She didn’t remember before and feels guilty. April is just there to drop off a box that Grandpa Patton left at her place. It’s labeled “DO NOT OPEN IF YOU’RE SUPERMAN.” It’s the plum suit. It’s still ugly. April hugs Angus and leaves.
Inside, Angus has tried the tux on for Mom: “I look like Moby Grape.” Mom thinks he looks terrific, and apart from the color of the tuxedo, she’s right. Angus answers a knock on the door -- his interviewer from Jefferson has arrived! He’s late because “traffic was bumper to bumper with every drooling, mouth-breathing bottom feeder from here to Minneapolis going to the football game.” The interview is going to take a couple hours. Mr. Kressler, the interviewer, eyes Angus: “I assume you’re not going anywhere.” “We always dress for dinner.” Nicely played. Mr. Kressler asks to see Angus’s science project. Angus says that he’s the experiment: “I’m hoping to prove that within every normal system, there exists an aberration, something different…The Bethune Theory…when a small abnormal element is forced into a larger, normal system, the element will either be rejected or destroyed…But it doesn’t have to be that way, if…if the element is brave. If the element can hold out long enough and face the torment of the system until the system’s energy is depleted. If the element can look the system in the eye and say, ‘I’m still here, asshole!’ Then the system will have to change, adapt, mutate. And if this happens it‘ll prove my fucking point.” Which is? “There is no normal.” Angus Bethune, you are correct. Angus gets up and starts to leave. Mom asks where he’s going. “To mutate.” God, I fucking love this movie.
Dance. Outside. Shermanator Troy tries to stop Angus from going in, because he knows Rick is up to something. Angus finally says, “Screw ‘em! I want my moment!” and he and Shermanator Troy walk in together. Angus walks up to Rick. His cronies make fun of his tux, and Rick hands Melissa over to Angus with a stupid dick remark about quality vs. quantity. Angus and Melissa are summoned behind the stage, because they’re about to be crowned Winter Ball King and Queen. Angus has brought a corsage for Melissa, which is sweet. Melissa sweats when she gets nervous: “It’s just, everyone will be staring at us.” Angus and I both think Melissa should be used to people staring at her. They’re spotlighted and announced just then. Melissa is smiling beautifully, Angus is cringing. Each is muttering variations of “don’t trip” to themselves under their breath. As they climb the stage, the footage of Angus dancing with Wanda that Shermanator Troy took is projected on a screen in the gymnasium. Everybody’s laughing at Angus. Melissa runs off stage, and Angus takes off after her. Rick tries to leave, too, but is stopped by the Principal. There’s no in and out at student dances, so Rick can’t come back if he leaves. Melissa and Angus get a pass, because they’re Queen and King.
Parking lot. Melissa is crying; Angus apologizes. Melissa thinks Rick is a douche. I concur. Melissa asks if Angus ever gets tired of who he is. Angus and me: “Do you know who you’re talking to?” Melissa admits that she’s bulimic and asks if Angus knows what that is. “I’m a fat kid. Yeah, I know what that is. It’s when you eat too much and you chuck it up so you don’t turn out to look like me. Actually, I even tried it once. But when I stuck my finger down my throat, I was still hungry, and I almost ate my arm.” Melissa’s never told anyone about her bulimia before. She thinks they should go inside. Angus admits he can’t dance. “We’ll survive.” She takes his hand and leads him back into the gym. A spotlight shines over them as “Fade Into You” by Mazzy Star begins to play. Melissa picked a slow song so they wouldn’t have to move so much. She gives him a quick lesson and he starts to relax and enjoy it. I tear up again, because Melissa is so sweet and I’m so happy for Angus. He got his moment.
Song ends. Everyone claps. Rick is pissy because Melissa seems to have enjoyed her dance with Angus. Rick punches Angus in the face and knocks him backwards into the punch table: “Welcome to high school, Angus. Good thing you’re leaving.” Angus picks himself up and yells, “I’m still here, asshole! I‘ll always be here! You push me down and I‘ll get right back up again! And again! And again!” He backs Rick up against a wall, literally: “I could beat you right here, right now, but I don’t wanna be better than you, Rick! I don’t wanna be better than anybody! I want to be who I am -- a fat kid who’s good at science and fair at football. That’s who I am! I can live with it. Why can’t you?” Rick can’t deal because he doesn’t think Angus is normal. “And who is, you?” No, Rick, you’re average. “And so what? To be normal, we all have to be like you? There are four hundred people in this room that are nothing like you! Some of them are fat, some of them are skinny, some of them are tall, some of them are short, some of them have braces, some of them have birthmarks, or scars, or frizzy hair, or ears that stick out, but most of them probably walk through these halls every day never telling anybody the truth about what they really want or need or believe. Because people like you, normal people like you, have them terrified of being who they are. I mean, if you’re normal, what does that make them? So which is it, Rick? Are you normal? Or are you just one of us?” Hear, hear. Rick basically says whatever; Angus is never going to be like him. Angus and me: “Thank God.” Angus walks away to thunderous applause from the student body, because this is a movie and that’s the kind of thing that happens. Melissa grabs Angus for one more dance. It’s a fast song, though, so Angus tries to beg out. Melissa totally channels Grandpa Patton when she says, “Screw ‘em, Angus. Just dance.” Angus puts his crown on Shermanator Troy’s head and the three of them dance together. Melissa asks Angus to walk her home.
Outside Melissa’s house, Angus walks her to the door. Melissa gives Angus a kiss on the cheek before going inside. Dramatic music plays as Angus walks home and gives his final VO. Rick got suspended for the prank he pulled and Angus got accepted into Jefferson but said “screw ‘em” and didn’t go. “I finally knew what it felt like to be on top of the world. I had had my moment. And then I heard my grandfather’s voice saying, ‘Now go have another.’”
And that was Angus, y’all. I hope you loved it as much as me. This is the movie that touched my heart when I was young and refuses to let go, and I hope you guys all get your moment.
“My mother named me after my father,” Angus tells us in voice over. “A cow’s name.” It didn’t help, he says, that he was a big baby. We get a glimpse of chubby baby Angus stuffing his face with a cookie. Kathy Bates stands over his crib, looking pleased. Angus VO’s that his father died of a heart attack while his mom was in labor with him. Poor kid. That’s a rough start, but, Angus says, “this wasn‘t really my problem.” He thought his family was pretty normal until he started kindergarten.
Angus is at a birthday party, and totally enjoying his cake when this little blonde snot-nosed asshole kid starts in on him. “Angus Bethune is a fat kid,” he says. “He’s so hungry, he eats his boogers!” The rest of the kids point and laugh as Angus VO’s that the blonde snot-nosed asshole kid, Rick Sanford, is his problem. Rick asks if Angus wants to play Pin the Tail on the Donkey and offers Angus up to be the donkey. I had a couple Rick Sanfords in my school. I still remember who you are, assholes. Angus throws a mean right hook and busts Rick right in the face before running off. Go, Angus! He totally deserved it. A little boy looks at Rick, who‘s laying on the ground in pain: “You broke his nose, Angus!” Good.
School. Boys’ room. A little freckle-faced redheaded boy is standing in front of a stall, with about ten or so other little boys huddled around him. The little Weasley is charging five cents to see his cousin’s pubic hair. As you do. Angus VO’s that the little Weasley is Troy Wedburg, and he’s been Angus’s best friend since that day. Rick Sanford grabs the pubes, which are wrapped up in toilet paper or something, from Troy and says that Troy is a liar. Angus steps out of the stall: “Give him his pubic hair back, Rick.” Instead of complying, Rick makes a tired Angus/cow joke, so Angus slugs him in the face. Rightly so. Look, I know that violence isn’t the answer. Doesn’t solve a thing, creates more problems, etc. But since this is a movie and Rick Sanford and Angus Bethune are not real people, I have no problem with Angus popping Rick in the nose every time Rick crosses the line with him, and I will agree with Angus that Rick deserves it every. Single. Time. Angus and Troy run down the hall: “You broke his nose, Angus!”
“I was incredibly quick for a fat kid, and grades came pretty easy to me, but I was sure willing to swap it all for a little physical beauty,” Angus VO’s as we cut to a skating rink. Angus skates by Melissa Lefevre as she is trying to get some Carl kid to let go of her. Seconds later, she succeeds and Carl goes flying across the rink, arms flailing, into the wall. Angus VO’s that that’s the day he fell in love with Melissa: “Melissa Lefevre was that girl that just made you ache, because you know she was put on this earth out of your reach only to make you feel bad.” Angus is too busy ogling Melissa to pay any attention to anything else, and even though Troy tries to warn him, Angus ends up skating right into the wall.
Park. Angus and Troy are sitting at a picnic table. Angus catches a football thrown from somewhere offscreen, and we see it’s Rick. Rick asks if Angus wants to play football as Angus VO’s that Rick only got more popular and better looking each time Angus broke his nose. When Rick says that Angus can be the field, Angus lobs the football right at his face. Rick falls down: “You broke his nose, Angus!” “Worse,” Angus VO’s, “he got Melissa Lefevre.” Melissa is played by that girl from Jurassic Park and is totally adorable, so it’s easy to see why Angus is all about her. Angus has his back turned to Rick and Melissa and asks Shermanator Troy what Melissa is doing. Shermanator Troy responds that she’s making sure Rick’s okay.
Football game. Angus, in his uniform and helmet, asks Shermanator Troy, also in a uniform, what Melissa is doing. Of course, Melissa is trying to see if Rick’s okay, and of course, Melissa is a cheerleader. Rick’s sidelined with some sort of…ankle injury? I don’t know. I also know next to nothing about football, and I’m five by five, keeping it that way, so don’t expect much from me during the football scenes. Sorry. Kinda. Angus speaks my heart’s truth when he says he hates Rick, and then VO’s that Rick had everything: “Looks, smarts, and Melissa. I had Troy. And he had,” “Jock itch,” Shermanator Troy whispers. Okay, first of all, Angus is, in his own words, “a fat kid who’s good at science and fair at football,” but he’s not a bad-looking kid. So he’s decent looking and he’s smart and he’s on the football team, so he has that going for him. And Rick may have Melissa, but looks? Rick Sanford is played by James Van der Beek, better known to television audiences as Dawson Leery, and his forehead takes up half my damn TV screen, and he has stupid hair and a dumb face. I hated Dawson and I hate Rick. Sorry. I’m better now. Anyway, Love Split Love’s “Am I Wrong” plays as the marching band performs their halftime number. More credits. I love this version of “Am I Wrong.” The addition of the marching band is beautiful.
Halftime’s over. The team runs back onto the field and huddles up. Angus VO: “Growing up, you wait for that one moment that’s truly yours, for something to happen that makes you believe maybe once in a while, the good guys can win. I was still waiting.” Rick calls out a play and grabs Angus by the face mask: “Watch my ass.” “I’m watching it right now.” Hee. Angus is a wall, unmovable, and it’s pretty much impossible for a defensive lineman to shake him. Angus pushes guys from the other team off him like flies as Rick throws the ball. A player from the opposite team catches it, but Angus takes off after him and tackles the guy, causing him to fumble. Of course, the ball lands in Rick’s hands and he runs with it, everyone (Shermanator Troy included, but Angus excluded -- he’s still on his back from the tackle) cheering him on. And of course, Rick makes the touchdown. That’s about the extent of my football knowledge right there, y’all. Don’t expect anything more from me.
Angus VO: “I had caused the fumble that won us the game! I was sure that any minute now, they would come running toward me, cheering, ‘Angus! Angus!’” You shouldn’t be surprised that this doesn’t happen, or that everyone rushes Rick instead. I hate the guy, but he did score the touchdown. Angus isn’t happy that Rick has yet another victory under his belt and wishes via VO that he could know how that feels, “just for one moment.”
School. Day. Goo Goo Dolls “Ain’t That Unusual” plays. I’m sure I’m going to say this a lot over the course of the recap, but I absolutely adore this soundtrack. It sums up my middle school CD collection quite nicely. Angus is giving a presentation to his science class: “I’m trying to prove that if you put a small, abnormal element in a large homogenous system, the system will reject the deviation rather than mutate, usually causing an exothermic reaction.” Kinda like high school, huh, Angus? Angus puts a drop of something -- his small, abnormal element, maybe -- in a…I don’t know what this is even called; science was never my best subject, and I’m so far removed from high school…Petri dish? It’s small and round and science-y, is all I know. Mr. Arnold, my high school chemistry teacher, would be disappointed, especially because I actually did well in that class. Hate science, but loved chemistry. Anyway, so Angus has his Petri dish sitting on the overhead projector so the class can see what’s going on. There’s a puff of smoke and a kind of popping noise, so I guess Angus proved his hypothesis true. The bell rings, so nobody cares about science anymore. Angus’s teacher praises his work and everyone packs up their books. Rick just sits there and mean mugs Angus for a minute, because Rick Sanford is a dick. Rick, Melissa, and their friends Mike and Andy file past Angus. Mike and Andy mock Angus as they walk by, because Mike and Andy are also pretty toolish (which is a shame, since Kevin Connolly is so pretty). If Mike looks familiar, it’s because he’s the son from Ghost Dad, which is a pretty awful movie, but I still enjoy it, whatever. The teacher compliments Rick on his touchdown, which, of course. Then she tells Angus that the principal wants to see him.
Principal’s office. It’s one of those that has big windows that looks into the main office. Angus looks nervous and slightly sweaty, and lifts his arm to do a quick sniff before he notices one of the kids outside the office looking at him. He quickly covers by stretching and yawning. Hee. Smooth, Angus. Smooth. The principal comes in and tells Angus that his application to Jefferson has been accepted: “Jefferson is the best magnet school in the district. You’ll have to do a science project. It’s all in the letter.” He gives the aforementioned letter to Angus and tells him what a great opportunity it is. If Angus doesn’t go, though, the principal “won’t have to worry about losing my best JV tackle.” Angus just thanks him and splits.
Angus’s house. Angus is inside, arm wrestling Kathy Bates. Angus VO’s that his mom thinks he’s perfect, “but that’s coming from someone who drives a truck and whose CB handle is Bruiser.” I like her already. Angus tells his mom he got his interview for Jefferson and her arm drops. She is so excited and so pleased for him, and she gets up hugs him and squeals that he got in, even though Angus points out that it’s just an interview. It’s very cute, and Kathy Bates plays the happy, proud mom well.
General Patton sits sleeping in a recliner: “My grandfather. He was as smart as they come -- when he was awake.” Angus puts a record on and reveille (should that be capitalized? Google yielded nothing useful) starts playing, which, of course, wakes up Grandpa Patton.
Dinner table. Angus, his mom, and Grandpa Patton are sitting at the table. Angus’s mom warns Grandpa Patton to go easy on the salt, and he gives her a smirk. Angus’s mom tells Grandpa Patton about Angus’s Jefferson interview and Angus changes the subject by mentioning that Aunt Ruthie RSVPed. Uncle Barry RSVPed, too, and Angus gets kind of pissy, asking if he’s bringing Wednesday and Pugsley (spell check suggests “Parsley.” Heh. I think that would be an entirely different movie altogether) along with. Mom says yes, Uncle Barry is bringing the whole family, and they can stay in Angus’s room. Angus gets to bunk with Grandpa Patton. Angus gets even saltier. Grandpa Patton apparently snores: “big nose hair snores!” Grandpa Patton retorts that Angus grinds his teeth, but Angus points out that they’re at least his own teeth. “These are my teeth!” “I guess. You paid for ‘em.” The acting in this movie is really, really strong, and of course George C. Scott was fantastic, anyway, but the scenes between him and Charlie Talbot are incredible. Those two had amazing chemistry and totally sold every scene. Mom says that April, who appears to be Grandpa Patton’s fiancé, wants to hire a polka band for the wedding. I couldn’t even with a polka band, I just couldn’t. Mom tells Angus how hard it is to throw a wedding together at the last minute, and she doesn’t see why, since April is thirty years younger than Grandpa Patton, they have to get married at all. She suggests that they just live together. Dude, if it makes him happy, let him get married. Grandpa Patton wonders why Mom is talking about him like he’s not there. Angus wonders why she’s talking to him like he’s an adult. Mom wonders who gets married at 72. “I am 71,” Grandpa Patton corrects. Mom thinks it’s not normal, and neither is April. She rants some more before Angus points out that Grandpa Patton has fallen asleep. Getting old sucks.
School. Lunch. Angus and Shermanator Troy are eating outside at a picnic table. Troy has on headphones and is making these super loud, super gross sniffling sounds: “I’m swallowing snot!” Shermanator Troy’s listening to the radio because the first caller into the station when Green Day is played wins tickets to see them. Hey, I wouldn’t mind free tickets to see Green Day. Just sayin’. Shermanator Troy tells Angus that if he goes to Jefferson, he “might as well become a monk…You become a science geek. No way you‘re gonna get babes! Girls don‘t want brains. They want guys who are dangerous, have tattoos, play the guitar! Stick with me; I know these things.” First of all, Shermanator Troy is a scrawny Weasley with way stick-y out-y ears, and also a virgin who can‘t drive, so he is the last person Angus should be getting girl advice from. Second of all, girls like smart guys. I would never date a guy that I thought was stupid. None of my girlfriends would, either. We like our men smart. I would totally date a science geek.
Hallway. A girl is handing out flyers, remind students to vote for their Winter Ball King and Queen. Shermanator Troy suggests that he and Angus check out the dance: “Watch everyone spaz out on the dance floor, looking at all the dildos standing around pretending to wanna be there.” “Troy, we are those dildos.” Shermanator Troy’s mom is making him go to the dance. Shermanator Troy hears Green Day and heads for the pay phone, running straight into Rick and his tools. Mike and Andy insult Angus and Shermanator Troy until Rick tells them to lay off: “Thanks for the tackle, buffoo -- Bethune.” Yeah, Rick can go to hell. Angus shoves Rick just as the principal walks up. The principal tells Angus to save his anger for the football field: “If you want into Jefferson, you have to do better than this. One suspension and you lose your shot! And I will suspend you, Angus.” Angus storms off as the bell rings. Rick picks up a Winter Ball flyer and gets an idea.
Park. Grandpa Patton is sitting at one of those outdoor chess tables with a friend while Angus mopes. Grandpa Patton implores Angus to talk to Melissa, “just once, before I die, okay?” Angus says he can’t, because Melissa is popular and he’s afraid of what everyone will say if he does. “Angus, remember these words, and always live by them. ‘Screw 'em.’ Who cares what anybody thinks?” “I do.” I totally know how Angus feels, because that’s pretty much exactly how I felt the entire time I was in school. Now, “Screw 'em” really is my mantra, but I wish I’d had the courage to embrace it while I was still in high school. Everything could have been different. Grandpa Patton knows how hard it is, and it wasn’t easy for him to ask April out, but he didn’t do it because he was old and senile, as Angus suggests. He did it because he said, “Screw 'em.” He didn’t care what anybody thought. “You can’t remember what anybody thinks, anyway. Your mind is shot.” Angus says that “you don’t talk to Melissa Lefevre when you’re the fat kid who’s good at science.” Grandpa Patton says that Angus isn’t fat, he just comes “from big people” and that he’s normal “for where you’re coming from.” Angus protests that he isn’t normal. Grandpa Patton thinks Angus is at an irritating age. The feeling is mutual.
Pep rally. Shermanator Troy is wondering why Angus isn’t wearing blue, since it’s School Spirit Day or some such bullshit, especially since “they sent out flyers!” “Who reads those things?” Angus asks, which in the real world would be a valid question. This, however, is a movie, so the camera pans out to show us that everyone but Angus is wearing blue. Angus, of course, is wearing red, and the wide shot of him, this little red dot, in a sea of blue totally mimics his science project. Coincidence? Shermanator Troy gets turned on by a girl wearing a recycling bin. It’s time for the announcement of Winter Ball King and Queen. Rick thinks he got the votes he wanted, but it isn’t a guarantee. Class president Rick Sanford announces the Winter Ball theme (courage) and gives a lame little speech about making “it a memory none of us will ever forget.” I join Shermanator Troy in making fake puking noises, because sometimes I’m twelve. The Winter Ball Queen is Melissa, quelle surprise. The class VP announces that the Winter Ball King is…Angus and Shermanator Troy are quietly chanting, “Not Rick, not Rick, not Rick.” “Angus Bethune?” Angus and Shermanator Troy high five, and every single head turns to look at them. Angus is called to join Melissa onstage. Shermanator Troy sneaks out and pulls the fire alarm to rescue his friend from embarrassment. Angus VO’s that he knew it was a joke, “but like my grandfather says, ‘Laugh with 'em, and they can’t laugh at you.’” He tells Shermanator Troy he’s not going to the dance. Shermanator Troy argues that Angus gets “to dance with Melissa Lefevre. I’d sell body parts for a chance like that!” Angus thinks Melissa’s probably vomiting at the thought of dancing with him. Eh, he’s half right. Shermanator Troy points out that Melissa is, in fact, right down the hall. Angus VO’s that as long as he’s known Melissa, he’s never talked to her. He practices saying “hi” under his breath: “Hey, you’re Melissa, right? Duh, of course she’s Melissa!” The whole time, he’s at the water fountain, and he ends up spraying himself all down his front. He freezes, and Melissa walks right on by: “And at that moment, I realized I probably never would.”
Angus is working on his science project in his room and listening to “Rubella” by the Smoking Popes. This soundtrack is amazing. Angus VO’s that he figures Melissa is comparing dancing with Angus at the Winter Ball with going to the dentist. She’ll be there with Rick, so it’s just once dance, in and out and done. “Of course, Melissa hadn’t seen me dance.” Slow dances are pretty easy, though. You pretty much just stay in the same spot and sway in time to the music.
Shermanator Troy’s. He’s explaining to Angus that “when you want something, you have to motivate yourself.” Shermanator Troy has a picture of Melissa in her cheerleading uniform projected on his wall and uses a laser pointer to circle her stomach: “Motivation. Little stomach muscles above the belly button. Tiny blonde hairs on long, athletic thighs.” Shermanator Troy is kind of a creep. His plan is to turn Angus “from a large, pathetic virgin into a large, pathetic virgin with a new look!”
Grandpa Patton’s room. He’s snoring his big nose hair snores in his recliner as Angus enters, holding a record and sporting the most unfortunate haircut I’ve seen since my mom gave me an at-home perm in middle school. Reveille plays and Grandpa Patton startles: “I was awake, dammit!” My dad does the same thing, and it drives me up a fucking wall. He'll fall asleep in his recliner in front of the TV, and you know he's sleeping because my dad also has big nose hair snores, but the second you change the channel, he's awake and it's, "I was watching that!" You were not. Just go back to sleep and let me watch Project Runway, okay? Angus gives him his pill and explains that he has to go to the Winter Ball because he was voted King as a joke. Grandpa Patton asks if Rick had anything to do with it, and Angus wishes he had broken Rick’s nose. Grandpa Patton correctly points out that Angus “can’t go around beating everybody up just 'cause they don’t like” him. He tells Angus to use his head: “You have a big heart, Angus.” “I have a fat heart, Grandpa.” Angus explains that he can’t dance and Grandpa Patton describes the Irish Swoon. It’s an old family secret that involves cradling a girl in your arms (“Crushing her ribs.”), sweeping her back (“And snap her neck.”), and kissing her (“Yeah, and then she’s traumatized for life and goes on a shooting spree, killing large people.” “Angus, shut up.”). That’s how he scored April.
Grandpa Patton’s car, continuing the conversation and picking up Shermanator Troy. Angus explains that he’ll never get the chance to kiss Melissa because he sweats. Dude, everybody sweats. “I don’t sweat, I rain!” Shermanator Troy, who is Q-Tipping his ears, thinks that’s gross. Thanks for the tip, Shermanator Troy. Angus and I are both surprised that Shermanator Troy thinks something is gross. The kid is gross. Grandpa Patton voices how ridiculous Angus’s new haircut looks. “It was an experiment, damn it!”
Madame Rulenska’s dance studio. Madame Rulenska is Rita Moreno, so at least Angus is getting lessons from somebody good. Angus is…bad. He steps on Madame Rulenska’s scarf and nearly chokes her and steps on her feet. Grandpa Patton: “Screw 'em, Angus, just dance!” Angus finally just follows the cutouts of feet taped to the floor. He’s doing okay until he just falls over.
Tuxedo shop. Angus is being fitted for a suit, but the largest size the shop has in black is too small. Angus wants black. His only option for a suit that fits, though, is this hideous purple monstrosity. “It’s purple,” is Angus’s objection. I can’t find any fault with his logic. “It’s plum,” the salesman corrects. Not making lemonade out of these lemons, buddy. Grandpa Patton thinks it’s classy, because Grandpa Patton is old and out of touch. Shermanator Troy and Angus: “It’s plum.” But it is Angus’s size. Everyone else will be wearing black, and Angus doesn’t want to be different: “I want normal. I want socially acceptable. I want a black tuxedo.” Grandpa Patton argues that it will look great on Angus, “and as for what anybody else thinks, always remember these words, and live by 'em: ‘Screw 'em.’” They bicker some more. Shermanator Troy suggests putting it on a corpse and burying it. Not a bad idea, honestly.
Shermanator Troy’s room. He brings out an inflatable doll, “Wanda,” so Angus can practice dancing with a partner: “My dad used to have her in his waiting room, but she kinda scared all the kids.” Shermanator Troy is videotaping Angus dancing with Wanda: “It’s what jocks do, so they can see where they make mistakes.” I can kind of see where Shermanator Troy is coming from. Angus gives in on the condition that “no one sees the tape? And you don’t tell your mother?” Shermanator Troy tells Angus to look under Wanda’s shirt: “A girl’s bod is a girl’s bod!” Shermanator Troy is going to remain a virgin for a very long time. Angus explains that there’s more to girls than just their bodies, and Shermanator Troy sarcastically asks if Angus likes Melissa for her grades. “She’s beautiful, okay? There’s something about her…I don’t know what it is. I get the worst pain in my stomach whenever I see her.” “You get a boner in your stomach?” Shermanator Troy loans Wanda to Angus for a week’s worth of practice.
Montage set to Green Day’s “J.A.R. (Jason Andrew Relva).” Angus is biking. Angus is lifting weights. Angus is doing sit-ups while Troy ogles the Buns of Steel chick. Angus is working on his science project and looking frustrated. Angus is dancing in a jacket and tie. Angus is playing air guitar with Shermanator Troy. The music fades out as the radio announcer introduces the caller who just won Green Day tickets, Rick Sanford: “I was just walking by a phone booth, and I heard Green Day come on over this guy’s car radio, so I just decided to call!”
School. Hallway. Rick, Mike, and Andy taunt Shermanator Troy as they pass him, talking about how they’re looking forward to seeing Angus make a fool of himself at the dance. Shermanator Troy sticks up for Angus, telling them he’s going to blow them away on the dance floor. Rick is worried, because he can’t dance.
Locker room. Rick tells Angus that Melissa’s complaining about having to dance with Angus before walking away. Angus realizes that Rick stole his shirt and skivvies from his locker. That’s so he could run them up the flagpole. Not the shirt, just the boxers. Angus hides behind a bush and watches, helplessly, as the boxers come loose in the wind and fly right into Melissa’s face as she walks by. “That’s what you call gettin’ a slice of the ol’ dick pie,” Shermanator Troy says.
Shermanator Troy is sought out by Rick and his friends. They want Shermanator Troy to help them prank Angus at the dance. Shermanator Troy resists until Rick’s friends beat him up, and Rick tells Troy, who is crying on the ground, to reconsider.
Park. Grandpa Patton and his friend are playing chess when Angus shows up to remind Grandpa Patton to take his pill. Angus says he’s thinking of breaking Rick’s nose again. Grandpa Patton wants to know “what happens when another quarterback comes along? ‘Cause there’s always gonna be another quarterback.” Angus says that people suck, and he’s tired of it: “That’s why I wanted to go to Jefferson, okay? Because no one will know who I am. And if nobody knows who I am, then I don’t have to be Angus Bethune.” Grandpa Patton says he understands: “You think I don’t know what they’re saying about April and me? She’s too young? I’m too old? Screw ‘em! You don’t see me punching anybody out.” “”Cause you’re a fool, Grandpa! And I’m tired of being one!” “I’m a fool, huh? Well, April doesn’t think so, and I’m getting married tomorrow. And I don’t care what the hell anybody says about it, I need my moment, damn it!”
Angus’s house. He’s working on his science project with no luck. Grandpa Patton, in the hall, tells Mom that she needs to back off, that she’s all over him about the wedding and all over Angus “about this science school crap.” Mom explains that she’s pushing Angus to do so well because the Jefferson interview is such a good opportunity: “It’s a chance for him to excel at something he’s really great at!” It’s also a chance for him to kind of get a do-over. She knows the votes for Winter Ball King are part of a joke, and she doesn’t want her son to be humiliated like that. Grandpa Patton thinks Angus is tougher than Mom gives him credit for. Mom tells Grandpa Patton about all the name-calling and the skivvies-up-the-flagpole thing, “and he gets up and he goes back there every single day, so don’t you tell me I don’t know how strong my son is. I know. And if he wants to go to any Goddamn school where the kids won’t slap their bellies every time he walks by, then he damn well can.” “That was you, kid. Third grade. Look how you turned out.” They hug. You’ll have to excuse me for a minute; I seem to have something in my eye…that scene gets me. Kathy Bates and George C. Scott are wonderful together.
Back in Angus’s room, he pulls Wanda out of the closet and practices his dancing some more. He’s not half bad, honestly. Mom comes in his room and laughs at Angus dancing with a blowup doll because, come on, that shit’s kind of funny. Poor Wanda deflates. “Is this a friend?” Hee! Mom exposits that Angus has his Jefferson interview on the same day as the Winter Ball, but the interview is at 3:00, giving Angus plenty of time to do both. Angus does the exasperated teenager eye roll, until Mom leans close and whispers, “Häagen-Dazs.”
Bleachers at sunset. Shermanator Troy approaches Rick and the Pips and hands him something, then walks away.
Wedding day! Angus VO’s that his grandfather has always been “the big kid down the hall. It’s funny how you can be so comfortable with someone that you think they’ll always be there. And then one day, you realize they’re not.” Last minute preparations are being made. Mom doesn’t think there’s enough food. We meet April as she asks Angus to help her for a minute. She’s very cute and very nervous. Angus has given her a schedule for Grandpa Patton’s pills. “Oh, I know! Twelve and five.” “One and four.” Yeah, that’s something you should remember. April promises she won’t forget because she’s all got it written down in a little notebook. She sends Angus to tell Grandpa Patton that she’s almost ready.
Grandpa Patton is so excited to get married, and it’s very adorable. He’s like a kid with his enthusiasm. He asks Angus how April looks: “That woman, every time I look at her, I get the worst pain -- right in the middle of my stomach, you know? It‘s a great feeling!” Angus apologizes for his outburst the other day and is glad about the wedding: “You should see her; I think she really loves you a lot. But still, it takes a lot of guts. You got balls, Grandpa. More than me.” Then Grandpa Patton launches into the Superman Argument: “Superman isn’t brave…He’s smart, handsome, decent…but he’s not brave. Now, listen to me. Superman is indestructible, and you can’t be brave if you’re indestructible. It’s people like you and your mother -- people who are different -- they can be crushed and know it, yet they keep going on out there every time.” Angus doesn’t think he’s brave at all -- he is terrified of going to the dance and he knows everyone thinks he’s stupid for trying -- but he’s still kind of optimistic because it’s almost like he kind of has a chance with Melissa: “I’m not crazy. I know she’s not going to be struck blind and ask me to take her home from the dance, or anything. But it’s the only chance I’ll have. And I guess I just want one moment with her. Just one. I just want my moment.” Grandpa Patton’s fallen asleep in his recliner, so Angus starts reveille on the phonograph. Grandpa Patton doesn’t wake up. Grandpa Patton has passed away. Angus goes downstairs, crying, and Mom realizes what’s happened.
Park. Grandpa Patton’s chess buddy is seated at the table, waiting for Grandpa Patton. Angus walks up, and without saying a word, moves the pawn in front of the king forward two pieces. He then lays down the king on the board, and I am crying. Sorry, but it’s such a short scene and it’s so poignant. Shermanator Troy shows up, arm in a cast. He lies that he fell of his bike and the cast is a babe magnet. Lies! Angus says he’ll be back in school the next day, but due to the time of his Jefferson interview, he won’t be going to the dance. Shermanator Troy looks kind of pleased, because he’s sold out his best friend and is feeling pretty bad about it. Shermanator Troy offers to bring over Cindy Crawford’s new butt and thigh workout video, and Angus screams at him that Shermanator Troy doesn’t understand. “I don’t know how it feels? You think you’re the only person on earth who wakes up every morning wishing they were someone else?” Angus tells Shermanator Troy that he wanted to go to the dance, though, and Shermanator Troy rightfully asks, “Then why aren’t you going?” Screw ’em, Angus.
Angus is taking wedding decorations out to the garbage when April shows up. Her watch beeps: time for Grandpa Patton’s pill. Aw, sad. She didn’t remember before and feels guilty. April is just there to drop off a box that Grandpa Patton left at her place. It’s labeled “DO NOT OPEN IF YOU’RE SUPERMAN.” It’s the plum suit. It’s still ugly. April hugs Angus and leaves.
Inside, Angus has tried the tux on for Mom: “I look like Moby Grape.” Mom thinks he looks terrific, and apart from the color of the tuxedo, she’s right. Angus answers a knock on the door -- his interviewer from Jefferson has arrived! He’s late because “traffic was bumper to bumper with every drooling, mouth-breathing bottom feeder from here to Minneapolis going to the football game.” The interview is going to take a couple hours. Mr. Kressler, the interviewer, eyes Angus: “I assume you’re not going anywhere.” “We always dress for dinner.” Nicely played. Mr. Kressler asks to see Angus’s science project. Angus says that he’s the experiment: “I’m hoping to prove that within every normal system, there exists an aberration, something different…The Bethune Theory…when a small abnormal element is forced into a larger, normal system, the element will either be rejected or destroyed…But it doesn’t have to be that way, if…if the element is brave. If the element can hold out long enough and face the torment of the system until the system’s energy is depleted. If the element can look the system in the eye and say, ‘I’m still here, asshole!’ Then the system will have to change, adapt, mutate. And if this happens it‘ll prove my fucking point.” Which is? “There is no normal.” Angus Bethune, you are correct. Angus gets up and starts to leave. Mom asks where he’s going. “To mutate.” God, I fucking love this movie.
Dance. Outside. Shermanator Troy tries to stop Angus from going in, because he knows Rick is up to something. Angus finally says, “Screw ‘em! I want my moment!” and he and Shermanator Troy walk in together. Angus walks up to Rick. His cronies make fun of his tux, and Rick hands Melissa over to Angus with a stupid dick remark about quality vs. quantity. Angus and Melissa are summoned behind the stage, because they’re about to be crowned Winter Ball King and Queen. Angus has brought a corsage for Melissa, which is sweet. Melissa sweats when she gets nervous: “It’s just, everyone will be staring at us.” Angus and I both think Melissa should be used to people staring at her. They’re spotlighted and announced just then. Melissa is smiling beautifully, Angus is cringing. Each is muttering variations of “don’t trip” to themselves under their breath. As they climb the stage, the footage of Angus dancing with Wanda that Shermanator Troy took is projected on a screen in the gymnasium. Everybody’s laughing at Angus. Melissa runs off stage, and Angus takes off after her. Rick tries to leave, too, but is stopped by the Principal. There’s no in and out at student dances, so Rick can’t come back if he leaves. Melissa and Angus get a pass, because they’re Queen and King.
Parking lot. Melissa is crying; Angus apologizes. Melissa thinks Rick is a douche. I concur. Melissa asks if Angus ever gets tired of who he is. Angus and me: “Do you know who you’re talking to?” Melissa admits that she’s bulimic and asks if Angus knows what that is. “I’m a fat kid. Yeah, I know what that is. It’s when you eat too much and you chuck it up so you don’t turn out to look like me. Actually, I even tried it once. But when I stuck my finger down my throat, I was still hungry, and I almost ate my arm.” Melissa’s never told anyone about her bulimia before. She thinks they should go inside. Angus admits he can’t dance. “We’ll survive.” She takes his hand and leads him back into the gym. A spotlight shines over them as “Fade Into You” by Mazzy Star begins to play. Melissa picked a slow song so they wouldn’t have to move so much. She gives him a quick lesson and he starts to relax and enjoy it. I tear up again, because Melissa is so sweet and I’m so happy for Angus. He got his moment.
Song ends. Everyone claps. Rick is pissy because Melissa seems to have enjoyed her dance with Angus. Rick punches Angus in the face and knocks him backwards into the punch table: “Welcome to high school, Angus. Good thing you’re leaving.” Angus picks himself up and yells, “I’m still here, asshole! I‘ll always be here! You push me down and I‘ll get right back up again! And again! And again!” He backs Rick up against a wall, literally: “I could beat you right here, right now, but I don’t wanna be better than you, Rick! I don’t wanna be better than anybody! I want to be who I am -- a fat kid who’s good at science and fair at football. That’s who I am! I can live with it. Why can’t you?” Rick can’t deal because he doesn’t think Angus is normal. “And who is, you?” No, Rick, you’re average. “And so what? To be normal, we all have to be like you? There are four hundred people in this room that are nothing like you! Some of them are fat, some of them are skinny, some of them are tall, some of them are short, some of them have braces, some of them have birthmarks, or scars, or frizzy hair, or ears that stick out, but most of them probably walk through these halls every day never telling anybody the truth about what they really want or need or believe. Because people like you, normal people like you, have them terrified of being who they are. I mean, if you’re normal, what does that make them? So which is it, Rick? Are you normal? Or are you just one of us?” Hear, hear. Rick basically says whatever; Angus is never going to be like him. Angus and me: “Thank God.” Angus walks away to thunderous applause from the student body, because this is a movie and that’s the kind of thing that happens. Melissa grabs Angus for one more dance. It’s a fast song, though, so Angus tries to beg out. Melissa totally channels Grandpa Patton when she says, “Screw ‘em, Angus. Just dance.” Angus puts his crown on Shermanator Troy’s head and the three of them dance together. Melissa asks Angus to walk her home.
Outside Melissa’s house, Angus walks her to the door. Melissa gives Angus a kiss on the cheek before going inside. Dramatic music plays as Angus walks home and gives his final VO. Rick got suspended for the prank he pulled and Angus got accepted into Jefferson but said “screw ‘em” and didn’t go. “I finally knew what it felt like to be on top of the world. I had had my moment. And then I heard my grandfather’s voice saying, ‘Now go have another.’”
And that was Angus, y’all. I hope you loved it as much as me. This is the movie that touched my heart when I was young and refuses to let go, and I hope you guys all get your moment.