bleach the green from the pastures
I have become, once again, dependent on pills. Allergy medicine...nondrowsy my ass. I don't know, I feel like I'm going to pass out sooner or later.
So one method of trying to be happy is remembering the times when you were. All I find with that is that I become increasingly attached to the past and I want to go back. Yes, it is impossible, but I can't help but wish. I'm not one to like to be stuck in the past; I won't get anywhere then. So what am I supposed to do now? I feel like I'm going into a hole again and I don't enjoy it.
I hate this whole scene thing, whether it be the local scene or the Hollywood scene. You try your hardest to be real and all you end up doing is being a fake. No matter how hard you try, it's like you can't get past the thought that people may be backstabbing you or talking smack. What if I don't want to care about what other people think? Yeah, as much as I would like to think that I don't, I feel that I do. Maybe it's a part of human nature and that desire to belong and be liked. You can act like you don't care, but when you have friends, you do have it. You won't know what it's like to feel that way. So maybe, when I thought that whole thing was stupid, I was just blind to it and I forgot what it was to feel that way.
And that scene, I don't want to be a part of it. It goes to the point where, when you're a part of it, you belong. And it's like..where did the love for the music go? All I want to do is love music and I'm even finding that hard to do these days. Maybe one of my biggest fears is losing music, and I go through those times where I'm afraid it actually might happen. But you can't lose music, because it's always deep down inside you. But sometimes, it doesn't even feel like it.
It's kind of funny how I'm being what you would call "emo." But the thing is, I wouldn't like to be labeled. I'm just some teenage fuck who needs to find herself again. Maybe it's like your midlife identity crisis, but more of a midteen identity crisis. And I'm just scared of this transition. And I'm so fucking sick of all the things that complicate it. Can I just go on smoothly? I guess not, because some person or some thing will come along and fuck me over. I'd like to give you the middle finger for that.
So one method of trying to be happy is remembering the times when you were. All I find with that is that I become increasingly attached to the past and I want to go back. Yes, it is impossible, but I can't help but wish. I'm not one to like to be stuck in the past; I won't get anywhere then. So what am I supposed to do now? I feel like I'm going into a hole again and I don't enjoy it.
I hate this whole scene thing, whether it be the local scene or the Hollywood scene. You try your hardest to be real and all you end up doing is being a fake. No matter how hard you try, it's like you can't get past the thought that people may be backstabbing you or talking smack. What if I don't want to care about what other people think? Yeah, as much as I would like to think that I don't, I feel that I do. Maybe it's a part of human nature and that desire to belong and be liked. You can act like you don't care, but when you have friends, you do have it. You won't know what it's like to feel that way. So maybe, when I thought that whole thing was stupid, I was just blind to it and I forgot what it was to feel that way.
And that scene, I don't want to be a part of it. It goes to the point where, when you're a part of it, you belong. And it's like..where did the love for the music go? All I want to do is love music and I'm even finding that hard to do these days. Maybe one of my biggest fears is losing music, and I go through those times where I'm afraid it actually might happen. But you can't lose music, because it's always deep down inside you. But sometimes, it doesn't even feel like it.
It's kind of funny how I'm being what you would call "emo." But the thing is, I wouldn't like to be labeled. I'm just some teenage fuck who needs to find herself again. Maybe it's like your midlife identity crisis, but more of a midteen identity crisis. And I'm just scared of this transition. And I'm so fucking sick of all the things that complicate it. Can I just go on smoothly? I guess not, because some person or some thing will come along and fuck me over. I'd like to give you the middle finger for that.